I had a weird dream last night.
I dreamt that I was staying somewhere I shouldn't have and this man found out and blackmailed me. Either I did everything he commanded or he threatened to kill me.
I woke up during the process of realizing I had no option to escape.
The night before, I dreamt that my brother was pregnant. Clearly my dreams are trying to communicate with me, I don't exactly know what it's saying, but I don't believe in coincidences so it's something.
I told Carlos about my dream, and he responded, "That kind of dream. Scary"
I feel an hint of connection with him because we were on the phone for almost three hours last night. No wonder why I had a crazy dream.
I am working on crucifying that connection though, because we go way back to hooking up at one point and that did not go well.
He is a good conversationalist, so I enjoy talking to him. We had a very vulnerable conversation.
~
What I learnt from this experience is that when you have a good time with someone, give it time before seeking another good moment, because it won't be the same.
The following day Carlos called me, I was having a bad day, some self inflicted pains, others sorrows of the day. I tried to shake it off but my mood fluctuated with everything. Five minutes I was good, the next five I am annoyed by everyone and everything.
I thought about canceling my meeting with my church group because I was out of my element, but I decided to show up even though I could foresee zoning out every other minute.
I watched some comedy specials during the day, then I spoke to my dad and I had some laugh which changed my atmosphere for the better.
The mistake I made after that was to return Carlos's call, knowing very well that he is not the person I should talk to when my mood is not right.
Since I have known Carlos, every time we interact there has been a bad vibe. The reason why we don't argue all the time, is because sometimes I am not in a bad mood.
Anyway I shared one of the jokes from the comedy I was watching earlier and why the joke resonated with me to three people including Carlos and they all dissected it.
With Carlos being the first, I spaced out of the conversation.
"I was watching this comedy and the lady said, she was online dating this guy and she found out he was a serial killer which was a deal breaker for her. Her main concern was that at some point in the relationship he is going to feel like he wants to kill her and she wants to know that he will be able to resist the urge. I can definitely relate, because I have felt that way about people."
"Who have you felt that way about?"
"Many people"
"What do you think will happen when you kill someone?"
"I am not thinking about that because obviously I wasn't going to do it!"
"But what do you think would happen?"
"I wasn't going to do it, I know what would happen. It's just an expression to say an encounter with someone ended badly. Gosh, It was a joke. You ruin everything."
I didn't necessarily mean everything, but many things. I should really not talk when I am pissed off.
What pushed me over the hedge to end the conversation was when he told me he would talk to me later because I seemed to be busy.
I was briefly going through my emails while he was watching television.
I get it, sometimes we want that undivided attention. That's the sole reason why I would initiate a conversation.
If he had said, "I am feeling a bit under appreciated because I called to talk and you seem preoccupied". I would've had a better reaction, instead of responding, "Okay".
I hate when people try to seek attention by saying or doing crazy stuff, because that does not motivate me to give my attention.
~
I had a similar experience with Bettany. She loves to seek attention, is very inquisitive and craves being in the middle of everything.
One day I heard her talking to her family, "Am going to cut my hair".
She has lush black long hair that gives her family life and she realizes, so when the conversation gets boring, she drops the line, "Am going to cut my hair", in for all of them to shower her with attention.
"No, don't do it"
"If you do it am going to be upset"
The more they told her no, the more she talked about it.
A few days later she came to me with the same vibe.
"Am going to cut my hair off" She giggled
"When?"
Giggling stopped.
She never mentioned it to me again.
Am sure she thought about not telling me her business, because I don't react to her how her family does. I think she is lazy and inconsiderate and there is nothing about that worth praising.
Not that she doesn't have good traits, like when she loaned me money to do some very important things and never nagged me about it, or when she cooks even though rarely, but since I have been around her I have seen more bad than good.
I also can't help but wonder if the good is real, because there is so much fake energy in this house. Mrs. Shannet who is still a sweet heart, fake, Bettany, fake, Mr. Chase, fake.
Am I fake? Because technically, if I see it in someone maybe it's in me.
I get that strangers shouldn't know what's going with you, but I have heard and seem so much facade, I hope by the time I am ready to leave, I don't carry it with me.
~
I finished writing my second draft for instructor Harris from a week ago, but am not sure if I want to hand it off.
I had a goal of publishing my book by December, ever since Instructor Harris convinced me it could be something with some more work.
Yet, it would bother me to hear him say that fifty more times. I am not sure my confidence would be the same.
On the contrary, I won't know if I don't get feedback, so whatever he says, am betting on myself.
"Good morning Promise, How are you doing today?"
"Depends on why you ask!"
"So, I shouldn't check on my future millionaire student?"
"When you put it like that, am doing real good."
Talk about someone who knows how to gas me up. It's funny how close we've become over the years. I talk to him like we are the same age, and he doesn't reprimand me.
He doesn't demand this "control and respect" that the call me "Mrs/Mr" type of professors demand and this makes me respect him even more.
I handed him the pages rolled all the way and taped with sixty six pieces of tapes on all pages.
"Did you not want me to read this?" He burst out through his rolling laughter.
"Of course not. On the bright side though, at least I gave it to you and I am not skipping class this week"
He wasn't impressed.
"I need you to send me the word document that you worked on, in case when I cut through these pages the words are no longer readable. Today."
One thing about instructor Harris, there is no misunderstanding about when he is serious or not. He makes it very clear and now is one of those moments when I know I need to get on with what he requested.
I didn't bring my laptop to school today because it is huge and heavy and I anticipate being in school all day. So, luckily I upload all my work to my email after I finished working on them. I can forward that to his email.
The problem with that was, the file said it was unsupported when I downloaded it. I sent it anyway because I was annoyed, and maybe it's just the library computer.
The closer the holiday gets the more these professors reveal the secret assignments of the semester, so I figured I would stay back with some classmates for project discussions.
Thirty minutes in my phone started ringing.
"Sigh Harris Sir" Siri informed.
It's the first time I am hearing the name being announced and it is quite hilarious when I remember that I named it like that because I am always sighing when the phone rings, and I thought just in case he hears it, the Sir part would lighten the mood.
"Hello, instructor"
"Promise Josephine Willis! I am not playing with you"
"Okay, when I get home I will send the correct version because I don't have my laptop with me."
"What? That's not what I called about"
"So, why are you calling my entire government name?"
" I just received a call from an independent studio who saw your draft and thought it had some potential"
I was not amused.
" What do you mean? How did they see it? You said it needed more work"
"Calm down, I was just messing with you, the same way you were by sending me unsupported files."
He was enjoying this too much.
I started crying. I wanted it to be true but I wasn't ready and I am mad at instructor Harris for doing me like that.
After I gathered myself, I went back to my study group and we rapped things up. I got home sent him the document and picked a letter up from the post office that I received from Ronnie.