"Dear Promise,
I mentioned to you not to tell Camalia I am coming to Florida then I stopped taking your calls. I am not ignoring you, however, I prefer to communicate by letter because I don't want to send the wrong message to my in laws in the case that they over hear our conversation. I want to talk to Camalia in person when I come there so it is best if this is kept between us. By the way, I didn't mention my siblings because."
Why didn't he finish his sentence I wondered. I am not even surprised about anything he says anymore, but I will say, it's rather interesting how he keeps telling me these different scenarios as if he is living in regret.
One minute he is a father, the next he is a husband. All happening within a few months. They must have cropped his scene from the Fast and Furious nine. Or maybe they will include it in the finale next year.
Christmas is a few weeks away, so I honestly thought the letter was redundant, but this could get a lot more interesting with time, so maybe not so much.
~
Last year Christmas I wanted to be with my family and I did everything to be with them, but nothing worked.
I packed my luggage, I told everyone I was coming , while I was waiting for the cash to purchase the ticket.
I prayed about the traveling and I felt God in it, but the outcome said otherwise.
A few days before the date I intended to travel I was on the phone with an Airline representative trying to find a seat.
Then I was calling my dad trying to arrange transportation.
When I found a seat, I lost the transportation. When I got a different transportation, I lost the seat. I was on the phone for over two hours, and I came off without a seat.
Needless to say I did not enjoy my holiday, I was sad and depressed the entire time.
Fast forwarding to now, I still haven't figured out why my hopes had to be crushed, but I know I did everything I could so it must be something.
Since I saw Ronnie's letter all I have been thinking about is, I am not going to allow this man to ruin my Christmas.
~
On the note of ruin, today is Mrs. Shannet's birthday and even though I am still learning how to be better at birthdays, am not going to spoil it for her.
*Phone ringing*
"Morning Mrs. Shannet"
"Morning"
"Happy birthday"
"Thank you!"
"You okay?"
"Yes. How you doing?"
"Am doing alright"
"Okay, later"
My type of conversation. Eighteen seconds long.
Well, I do enjoy having longer conversations, but I really like when things can be kept simple and short.
This woman deserves a medal, and I am not just saying that because she allowed me to stay with her for a few months, but she has a great heart.
I still think she has some toxic traits but don't we all.
~
Being in my last semester and still not clear on what I should do with myself is probably the second most depressing part of being in college, with the first being, being in college.
I tried different things and nothing seems to be connecting the dot. I enjoy writing and leading, but that just leaves me with writing about leadership and nothing about that excites me.
No one thinks am going to make it by writing anyway, because my work needs way more improvement than I am frankly admitting, so I am not even sure if that is to be considered.
To top this frustration off, if every thing wasn't already enough, I am not a citizen of the US so to remain legal, my options seem pretty limited.
I know, be positive, I am not limited, it will all work out.
All of which I know, but it all feels unattainable.
I thought about calling Carlos to talk about my problems, but I realize, I am always telling him my issues and he rarely tells me anything.
Wonder what it's like for Ronnie being in a country where he isn't a citizen. Oh, the company requested him so they are going to sort out that aspect of things.
Sigh!
I know the grass isn't greener on the other side, but sometimes I wonder why does everything have to be twice as hard for me. I try to show up and be present, and use my time wisely and be generous and discerning and considerate, yet the people who are lazy or wasteful seems to be getting their desires.
I am content and focused and I really don't know if that's making a difference.
I would like to believe it is though.
~
Being a Christian is the easiest way to be a hypocrite. This is so, because if I am not keeping myself to the same standard as I am keeping others, that's the true hypocrisy.
Unfortunately, it's easier said than done mainly because effortlessly I can see how everyone else violates me, but I often have to put on that microscope to see how I am violating me.
I can admit that I have been apart of the problem in many scenarios. Am I proud? of course not, but being honest with myself is the first part of growth.
As you grow, people who aren't on the same level as you seldom find you attractive.
The words they use to describe you range from miss Goody two shoes to childish.
I work on myself daily, and I still have a lot of work to do. I fully embrace that. What I refuse to embrace is when people try to come at me for the growth that I am striving towards just because they think it's unnecessary.
Last night to this morning, Sam and I had a clash of personality,
Rewinding a few weeks before, when we just started communicating, I told him that I am a Christian and in a separate conversation I also told him to not send anything inappropriate to my phone.
Interestingly enough, while having a conversation he sent me a video with two naked people comically displaying sexual acts.
At the time, I did not know what the video entails, because I didn't watch it until a few days later.
Five seconds into the video, I paused and deleted. I was furious.
I tried sleeping it off, but I couldn't so I called.
I didn't get an answer so I left a message.
"Sam, do not send anything inappropriate to my phone. Whether that's pictures, videos. messages or voice notes. I hope you can respect this."
A few minutes later as I was about to put my phone down I saw some missed calls.
I returned the call, we spoke about the video, he told me he found it funny that's why he sent it. I said he should have kept it to himself and he hanged the phone up on me.
I wasn't offended or anything, I really had the best sleep ever, because I knew I stood up for myself and that was all that mattered.
It wasn't over though.
I woke up to two text messages and three phone calls from him.
"I didn't watch the entire video until now, but sorry, I wasn't thinking it's that deep for you to say I can't send you anything like that as if you are a child or something, but I feel you though"
"The main reason why I sent you the video that night is because you asked me why I was laughing and I sent you the video because I thought you would also find it funny. I am disappointed in the way you took it"
This was clearly not an apology. I thought about ignoring him which would eventually lead to us not speaking again, but I sent a gracefully true response to help him to see that not everything is about him.
"Yea, obviously I am not a child but in our initial conversation I did mention to you that I am a Christian. For me this means, I am not entangling into anything sexual, whether comedic or not. Unless it's with my partner which you are not. Apparently you did not take that serious. This is my spiritual belief, and if that is disappointing to you, I couldn't care less."
I didn't mean to hurt his feelings and quite frankly I understand two reasons why he wouldn't think this is a big deal. One- we have history and those memories were before I became a Christian, so not Christlike at all. Two-He doesn't know my story.
At first I felt attacked, because I wasn't arguing, nor was I being rude, yet, he came at me like that.
After letting that out, however, I could understand that he just doesn't get it.
I was apart of the initial problem, and I am extremely grateful that God brought him back into my life for me to create a different narrative and to see that all I am going through is not in vain.
This also showed me, that I need to be a lot more intentional towards myself, so I am back to working on me.