Alex
Atticus once said, "She conquered her demons and wore her scars like wings."
I've known Kathryn since she was fifteen and I've loved her ever since. She is three years younger than me. When I was eighteen I thought age was more than a number. That it accounted for so much like maturity, understanding, and compatibility. That wasn't the case with her she was fierce and everything I wasn't. I've watched her transform from being the girl I loved to the woman I admire. Still fierce rivaled with her grace, talent, and will to always be herself. Kathryn has a pull on everyone she meets she can't be tamed or convinced into anything. She is who she is and I love that still to this day. I don't understand how no matter what Kathryn goes through she is always the same person, it never changes her outlook. She use to reach into the deepest parts of me and see the light, pulling it out. Conquering my demons. We are so different but I thought we were perfect that we fit like the missing piece to each other.
When we broke up I spiraled out of control. The drinking, partying, hell even my behavior changed. I didn't know how to be without her or how to be myself until she forced me to be. She doesn't see me like she used to. I can tell just by how she is around me. Always cautious waiting for me to explode. Like I did the first time I saw her after our break up. That night still haunts my memories. My friends knew better than to invite her but they did anyways to the biggest party of the year their graduation party. Some of the guys are the same age as Kathryn so we were celebrating. Her big brown eyes were the last thing I expected to see that night. I ended up drunk beyond my own control after she arrived. I couldn't take seeing her and not being able to touch her. She's never cared much for drinking. Even though she barely spoke two words to me all night. Staring at me in my drunken stupor. My head throbbing, I had lost my footing. All I see is Kats face hovering over me, trying to help me up off the concrete. The look in her eyes is the only thing that was registering. She was ashamed of me and it caused me to become enraged. I blew up called her a whore just for being there. It's not my finest hour but she didn't leave she stayed despite me showing my ass. I was so bad off she took me home that night. I cussed her and called her everything my drunk mind could think of. Yet she said nothing but "I'm sorry Alex I'm trying to help you. I couldn't stand it if something happened to you and I was there to witness it." It filled me with rage and I shouted back at her "Why the hell do you care? You don't want to be with me but here you are taking care of me even though I have dogged you all night." She pulled in my driveway and put the car in park. I went to grab the handle and she grabbed my arm. It stopped me cold reminding me of what we had and how much I still loved her. She said " Alex no matter what I will always love you that won't change no matter what happens or how much we grow apart. I loved you for so long and so much I can't remember why we didn't work. Until..." This statement hurt me and I can't even explain why I turned back to her and said "Until what? Until I act like my usual redneck drunken ass? Well you know what this is me. And you have a funny way of showing that you still love me. We would still be together if they were the case." I opened the door and got out. Making my way up the steps I reach out to unlock the door. I look back and she sitting with her head on the wheel. Before I say anything else, I open the door and go inside. Being in the car with her sobered me up! Leaning my head against the door just waiting to hear her car back up. Once she's gone out the driveway I hear footsteps coming into the kitchen. It's my mom with a concerned look on her face, I give her a smile and go to walk past her she says "You know you can't run from it forever. Y'all used to be a force together. Stop being stubborn." Just nodded I went straight to my room collapsing on my bed. She's right we were a force to reckon with now we are figuring each other apart.
We have moved on since then trying to be friends. Maybe I can win my way back into her heart if I can just get myself together. I know she's changed and grown into a woman and is no longer that teenage girl. But to me she will always be my first and brightest love.
I see now that I've stepped back all my friends would have taken my place gladly. Even my best friend, I see how he looks at her. The way her eyes shine when they are in a heated argument over music. They would be a perfect match I can admit it to myself even if I act like I don't notice to them. Hail would never do that anyways he is the one friend I can count on! He is too damn loyal. I respect that and his restraint. Hail wouldn't be able to handle her she has a smart mouth and she damn sure doesn't listen. He has plenty of experience with hooking up with women but not dating them. He never stays around one long enough or he ends up hurting them just because he can. He's cocky like that. The higher body count the better. But what he doesn't know is she would tear him apart. They wouldn't be compatible. She's not a timid teenager anymore she is a woman who doesn't take anything from anyone. She wouldn't put up with his bullshit like she stopped putting up with mine. He knows that if he stepped over the line with Kat I would lose my shit.
Shaking my head to clear myself from these ridiculous thoughts. Its 10:30 am on a Sunday I've been waiting for him at his house for over forty minutes. I see him pulling into the driveway. I tried calling him ten times with no answer since I got back from the blow out game last night. He parks and gets out of the truck. I meet him "Damn Hail!! Where have you been? We celebrated the teams win last night tried calling!" he gives me a side glance what is his deal? He says "I was busy last night plus my phone was dead man." then goes to walk inside. I'm not letting this go he's been blowing us off and not showing up when he says he's going to. His phone has been cut off during these times. It's not normal for Hail to miss anything with the boys. He's taller and bigger than me but still, I reach out grabbing his shoulder. "Damn, what is up with you? You know that you can tell me." he let out a dramatic sigh and says "Look I've been seeing someone! Y'all do know that I don't have to tell y'all everything. Why the hell are you here anyway?" I shoot back "We were supposed to play golf today jackass! Who are you seeing? Do I know her?" shaking his head he replies "Yeah its Sarah!" this blows my mind I didn't see that coming.. "Damn Hail! Does Tallon know?" he's dead serious "No he doesn't know and you aren't going to tell him." putting my hands up in surrender he's testy today! "Alright I won't say anything. I also wanted to tell you that I'm going to see Kathryn. I need to talk to her and we need to work this out. I still love her and I just need her to know." Nathan looks disappointed when he says "Alex I am not trying to be an ass but let her go! She told you that she just wanted to be friends that she didn't see a future anymore. Don't hurt yourself any more than you have to." I know he's right but I can't let it go. "Maybe you are right... But before I let it go I just want to be sure. Ima go over there now. Sarah was pulling in when I came by earlier." walking away opening the door to my truck. "I'll see you tonight right? Poker, pizza, and beer that's right up your alley." he huffs waving my off "Yeah I guess so." he walks inside and get in my truck then I pull off. Something isn't right with him he's not telling me the whole story.
When I get to Kathryn's, Sarah is gone. The front door is open so I can see her inside sitting on the couch reading through the glass door. She gets up meeting me at the door her smile warm as always. "Hey! Is something wrong?" I say "No, everything is fine! Can I come in? We need to talk." her face falls I just threw her off. "Um yeah come on in." I walk past her into the house sitting in the recliner as she returns to her favorite spot on the suede couch."Okay, so what's up Alex?" Her eyes meeting mine I get straight to the point. "Look I know we he been broken up for a long time hell it's almost been five years. But I just need to know if there is a chance we could work it out? Cause damn Kat I'm still in with love you. I've stopped drinking like I had been and I've been trying like hell to find myself again. All of this has to mean something! If you don't want to work it out it's fine we can still be friends I just need to know." she looks down at her hands then back up at me and says "Alex do you think after all this time that we could still be the same people? Don't you remember the huge fight we got into at Millhouse? Or the time we were both drunk and slept together in the back seat of my car? We have tried to work it out before but we couldn't seem to get it right" Shit, I didn't think past this part I was hoping for a different outcome. She's never going to forgive me for the things I've done. I should just count my losses and let it go! "I remember all of that. I also remember when we were together before everything fell apart. Kathryn you are my greatest love and will always be. I can't see you and think otherwise you will always be it for me." she nods her head her expression changes she was expecting that."We have some great memories together that's true. Maybe we can try again let's just see what happens." My eyes meet hers she's going to give me another chance I didn't see that coming."Yeah, sure! Did you know Sarah and Nathan are a thing he told me this morning? I figured you knew she is your best friend." I don't know why I'm telling her maybe to keep them apart if that ever was an option but she shakes her head "No I didn't know that. She just left." the look on her face is what I imagine mine looked like to Nathan. She continues "Nathan deserves to be happy regardless of who he is seeing." I laugh "Yeah I know I just didn't see him and Sarah together. He's been differently lately, and he hasn't really been coming around. I'm thinking whatever it is... It's not healthy he's not the type to want a real relationship." she agrees then says "Let him be! I'm going to shower I'm going shopping with my sisters in an hour. Since Christmas is less than two months away." I smile and stand up she follows me to the door hugging me bye. I say "I guess that us being friends isn't that bad." She gives me her best smile she's trying to find her words I can tell by her expression. "It's not bad. I just need some to grow and we have changed so much since I was 17. Yes, we had a great relationship but if it was meant to last it would have. You have changed as well as I have." Just nodding my head if I respond it will make things worse. Heading down the steps I finally get into my truck and pull out the driveway headed home. I know she wasn't trying to hurt me by what she said. It doesn't mean that I'm not pissed about it. I've been seriously working on my anger to not let it get the best of me. But between Nathan's shitty attitude this morning and her brushing the whole thing aside like it was nothing just got to me. I did a lot of changing when I was with Kathryn to be what I thought she needed without her asking me to I don't know how to be just me without her three years of being together everyday digs into your being you cent shake something like that over night. I guess I need to try to move on but with who? And how? All the girls that come around are way younger than me. If she changed her mind in the mean time then no harm done.