Nathan
Kurt Cobain once said, "The sun is gone, but I have the light." I didn't understand the meaning of this quote when I first read it. I've always seen the world cloudy, in black and white. Nothing sparked my interest. Except for music it always speaks to me when nothing else does, my therapist as I say. It is my escape it's been there when no one else has. Nothing has cut through the noise. Expect when she speaks to me, it's like the best acoustic song I've ever heard. I'm always hanging on every word. Her humming to songs on the radio, singing along with my strumming guitar, any word that falls from her lips create the perfect song. Each memory we have has its very own track on our infinite playlist. She gives my life light in the darkness.
Before I got to know Kathryn she was just going to be another girl on my list of conquests. This list seemed to keep growing at a rapid speed since high school. It became all I cared about. The idea of spending my life with one woman or even more than one night wasn't something I thought about or even wanted. All of my friends are the same way, not looking for love. I couldn't even tell you what I thought love was. Sure, I had thrown the word around in high school but never meant it. I despised seeing the gushy couples post on social media or the ones all over each other in public or at parties. It was not for me. I didn't believe there was a woman alive who would ever live up to the saint my mom Karen is. Growing up watching how much they loved each other than seeing them split as I turned into an adult changed how I saw love and relationships. Watching my mom walk away from a love she had for so many years showed me nothing is permanent. Even though they went their separate ways my dad Tuck still quotes her smart witted self all the time. Maybe her love faded but his hasn't. I had always thought I wanted what my parents had but it didn't last a lifetime as they vowed to each other. A relationship wasn't for me neither was marriage. Something has changed in me since Kathryn. She doesn't know the dark parts of me not like I wish she did. But still, she has changed the way I see my future. It's with her!
Kathryn is built from a mold made just for her. She speaks her mind, she is graceful, kind, intelligent, witty and so beautiful. I didn't realize how unique she was until I was in too deep. Sure other women have these same qualities but they aren't her. God sure knew what he was doing when she crossed paths with me. He knew I needed someone like her! She constantly challenges me, always has the upper hand, makes me want to be the man that would do everything he possibly could for her. Most importantly she has shown me how being in love with someone feels. I wanted to move mountains and give her the stars. She had to be created just for me, I know it with all my soul. When she touches me, when I'm in her presence, with her eyes on me with that look I've grown to love so much, I feel complete. She makes me a better man. She has transformed me in a way I didn't think possible. I know who I am, how I've treated girls, and how they see me. I didn't see any women as anything other than an object, or lesser than my but never an equal. With Kathryn, I don't have the same effect on her... She doesn't fall at my feet or beg me for my attention. Yet I can't help but give it to her. She draws me to her no matter how hard I try to fight it. She has conquered so many of my demons and so much of my darkness in less than a year. I can't imagine what a whole lifetime would be like... I can't help but wonder what it would look like... Would we last? Does she feel like I do? Will I ever truly know?
Her touch pulling me from my thoughts. Her sweet lips on mine, delicate hands laced in mine down by our sides. How could these feelings be wrong? Her tongue slowly caressing mine. I've missed the smell of her and her house combined warm vanilla and honey. She is constant, never changing. Getting tied up in her only takes a second and I forget who I am or what day it is. The need for her is so strong. Her hands release mine only to move into my hair. Tugging gently at the base of my neck I lift her up, her legs instinctively curling around my waist. My vision is no longer cloudy or black and white with her I see in full color, everything makes sense, so bright and I feel so alive... Outside of my constant overthinking and need to analyze every part of who we are or what we are. I want her now every part of her. She will always be the woman I want more than anything else. She pulls back from me breaking our kisses and says "Nathan, why are we like this? Why are things between us so easy but everything else so hard? Why won't you tell Alex? Really just tell me straight! I feel like if I know I can understand." I brush my nose against hers and say "I'll carry you to the bedroom and we can talk. I'll explain everything." I say already walking towards her room. I put her down on the bed and she cuts the bedside light on, illuminating her beautiful face. She turns back to me, I sit on the bed beside her laying my head on her lap. "Kat, he told me to stay away from you a few years ago. Which at the time pissed me off because he doesn't own you. Once we touched that first time I knew why I should have. And I tried to stay away, I really did. I didn't realize that knowing you the way I do would change everything. Our relationship with each other is wild, unpredictable it never slows down. I didn't want to lose that by telling him... I've weighed the options over and over again. He's my best friend and he knew if I had half a chance I might end up hurting you. Not to sound cocky but my track record isn't great with women, I don't date anymore not since high school. I didn't want you to see or know that side of me. I've told girls I cared for them or loved them when I didn't. I hurt them because I could." Her hand meets my face stopping me, I look up to meet her warm chocolate eyes. She says "I know who you are with me and that's what I care about. The past and who we were doesn't matter. Those are explanations you do not owe me. Not now, not ever." How is she so beyond my expectations every single time? She understands me better than any of my friends or family. "Nathan I can tell you exactly who you are because I see you even when you think I don't. Because you are just like me. Your passion for acoustic music is where it first started, how you always smell so insanely good like mahogany, you are intense all the time even when you are being playful. Don't let the past ever discourage you. This could be real." I interrupt her sitting up facing her and I say "No babe this will be real! Someday it will be you and me." stroking the pad of my thumb over her bottom lip. Her lips are on mine in an instant our tongues in tune to the same familiar dance. My hands in her hair smelling faintly like cigarette smoke from the bar but there is still a hint of honey. Pulling my shirt over my head her hands go to my chest. I need more of her touching me. It's been too long. Laying her back I pull off her jeans and then her shirt, she removes her bra and panties as I take off my pants and boxers our eyes never leaving each other. I lay down on top of her the head of my cock brushing against her warm entrance already so wet for me. I grab my length running it back and forth along her. She squirms under me pulling my face to hers. She whispers "I want you please don't make me wait!" as soon as the words leave her lips I release myself letting it slide slowly inside of her. I lean my forehead against hers moving in and out slowly. Her dark lashes fluttering a little more with each motion. Kathryn's legs wrap around my waist pulling me in closer and pushing my cock deeper. A soft sigh escapes her lips tilting her head back. I kiss and suck her exposed neck. She moves her hips in tune with mine. Our climax only climbing as I slow down the pace. Wanting this to last to feel her pulse against me. I can feel her heart racing along with my own. Leaning my forehead down to hers taking in the moment like this when we are one. Her hands-on my neck she says breathlessly "Nathan don't let anyone come between us." I continue to keep our slow pace even though her talking to me is turning me on even more. " I won't baby." I say I'm so close to the edge. She lets out a sigh then says "Don't make me have to be without you..." I can't wait I thrust deeper into her over and over still at our same slow speed. "Nathan please, please." Her begging pulls me over the edge and she comes over with me. Her breathing matching mine heavy and jagged.
After a few moments of silence, I finally say "So tell me why you love music so much? I've noticed you have albums in your living room and a huge playlist on your phone." I can see her smiling in the glowing light. "I have never been asked that before but I've loved music since I was young. My grandmother would sing hymns to me before bed. The older I got the more music spoke to me. It helped me see my way through some really rough times. I feel like songs can express what I can't seem to say. It makes me feel like there is something bigger than me and my little world. You can experience other's lives through music and books. You are the only one who gets music as I do. You have brought so much good into my life. It's hard to see you the way you describe yourself." She snuggles closer to my chest. I understand completely what she means. I respond " Yeah music has meant a lot to me too over the years. But I didn't think it meant anything until I started understanding what the lyrics meant." For me, over everything about her, my favorite part of her would be her mind and how she sees the world and most importantly me. I love this woman more than anything. She has given me something I didn't know I was missing a purpose. Her breathing has become heavy she is asleep against my chest. Pushing my lips up against her forehead. I close my eyes and drift off to sleep with her in my arms.