The alarm clock goes off with a loud buzzing noise that echoes through my skull, but it doesn't startle me. I was already awake hours before it was, and I watched and waited for it to sound. When whatever it was that woke me up woke me, my brain cluttered with thoughts that kept me restless, and I couldn't go back to sleep. Eventually, I gave up in trying to rest and instead waited for morning to come.
"Nixion!" my stepdad yelled from in the hallway. "Get your ass up and turn off that alarm!"
I didn't answer him, but I did make myself sit up and turn off the alarm. The quiet I created was equal to the silence that I hear when my mind asked me questions. Why did you kiss him? How far were you going to go? What are you going to do now? I didn't know the answers, and I didn't know what to do.
Outside, I could hear a car pulling out of the driveway and I knew that my stepdad had left for work. Now I'm alone with her, I thought as I dragged myself into the kitchen. My mother would probably sleep until noon, though, so I didn't know why she bothered me so much. Was it because I was waiting for her to change? No…. I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't depend on her.
I dragged myself into the kitchen to pour a bowl of cereal when I was stopped at the fridge door. Tacked to it by serval metal magnets was a small calendar, and written on today's date was "Job Interview @ 10: 00 am". Frozen in place, I tried to figure out what I was seeing. My step-dad already had a job that he liked, one that he could slack off on, but was it even possible that my mother was trying to get a job?
Quickly, I looked over at the clock on the stove and realized that if my mother didn't wake up now, she wouldn't be ready in time. I didn't know why I was so determined, but serval seconds later I was opening her bedroom door. It had been years since I had been inside, and it was exactly how I remember it last- musky and in a gigantic mess.
I walked over to the bed where a lump of blankets were rising and falling slowly. "Jessica," I said while shaking the bed with my body weight. "Jessica, wake up."
Then, there was a groan and a small movement that I could only guess was a sleepy attempt to get away from me. I quickly got irritated. "Wake the fuck up," I said a little louder and shook the bed more violently. "Do you know what day it is? At least set a goddamn alarm."
The lump groaned again, but this time two hands reach out and pulled down the covers until my mother's face was visible. "Nixion…?" she asked me, her voice breaking as she spoke. In her defense, she probably thought she was dreaming.
"Yes, Jessica," I said, rolling my eyes. "Do you know you have a fucking job interview? Better yet, do you know what time it is?!"
"What?" she asked, sitting up to look at her alarm clock. She groaned as she looked at the time, and then she looked back up me. "Can you-"
"Just go take a shower!" I order, and she quickly got out of bed, and pushed herself past me. Sighing, I listen to the sound of her rushing to the bathroom, and the water turning on. My mother was hopeless by herself, and part of me wanted to let her drown by herself. I wanted her to feel what she did to me, but the other part of me wanted her to change.
Hesitantly, I went over to her closet and picked out some of her nicer clothes, hoping that they matched somewhat. It would be a miracle if she could actually pull this job interview off, even if I did help her, but I couldn't help the questions that kept spinning through my mind. Why now? Why do you want this job?
Minutes later the shower went off, and my mother hurried back into her room with a towel around herself. I could tell that she was shocked to still find me there, or maybe she had thought that I wasn't really there to begin with, and for a moment she just stared at me. "Change," I order, and gave her the clothes before I turned to face the wall.
My mother dressed quickly and soon she told me it was safe to turn around. I waited patiently as she stood at her mirror and carefully did her hair and makeup, but said nothing. There wasn't a reason why I had to talk to her, and just being in the same room was horrifying enough. "Are you finished?" I asked when she finally put down her hair brush.
She nodded and then turned to face me, a small smile on her lips. I could tell that she was proud that she had cleaned up, and some part of me was proud too. Whenever she usually went out, she never bothered to take a shower, much less brush her hair or wear decent clothes. But there wasn't much I could say- it wasn't like I didn't do the same. "Do I look okay?" she asked me.
I shrugged and walked past her to get to the door. "Hell if I know. Let's go," I told her, and I lead her outside to the car.
The car was very old and unused. My step dad had refused to drive anything made by Toyoda when my mother married him, so it had sat in the driveway for years without anyone getting near it. From inside the house, I brought out a portable tank of gas that we kept for emergencies and hoped that that was all the car need. I didn't know anything about cars or how to get them running.
While I filled the car up with gas, my mother watched me carefully, and I knew she doubted that the car would start too. "Why don't we just walk there? It won't take that long, and we have enough time," she offered, and I rolled my eyes.
"Yeah, and you can show up to your interview in sweat and running makeup," I answered sarcastically. "Just stop watching me and get in the fucking car."
Hesitantly, she did what I asked and slowly made her way into the passenger's seat. I knew what I said probably offended her, and I knew that I treated her like trash, but I couldn't make myself feel sorry. Even now, I was still bitter.
When the tank was empty, I threw it off to the side and quickly got into the car. The car keys shook in my hands and it took a few tries to slide the right one into the ignition. I was nervous that it would work, but it had to work; I needed it to work.
After I got the key in, I quickly cranked the ignition, and the car rattled but didn't start. As it went silent again, I could see my mother bite her lip out of the corner of my eye. She had given up, but I hadn't. I cranked the ignition again, and again the car just rattled. But right before I cut it off, the engine came to life.
Instantly, I grinned out of spite, and mumbled to myself, "What did I tell you?" Now, all I had to do was drive the car to town without it blowing up. However I backed out of the driveway careful and into the street without a problem.
After a few moments of driving, I realized how bad of idea it was to be in a car alone with my mother. She didn't say anything at first, but I could tell that she want to. I quickly tried to find a radio station to fill in the silence, but I quickly gave up when I could find nothing but static. Great, another thing I'll have to fix.
"…Thank you," my mother finally said. "For some reason, you know a lot more about this than do. I probably wouldn't have even gotten up in time if you didn't wake me."
I shrugged and kept my eyes on the road. "I do have a job, unlike you. This isn't the first time I've had to do this."
"You have a job?" she asked, completely surprised. I didn't respond knowing that the silence was enough of an answer, and she laughed out of nervousness. "I didn't even know you could drive."
"There's a lot of things you know about me," I tried to say without sounding angry, but I failed. But isn't better that you don't know?
"I want to," she said quietly. "If you would just give a chance to-"
"I've given you enough chances, and every time you don't even try. Don't you get it?" I interrupted. "I don't need you anymore."
As soon as the words left my mouth, I again regretted what I said. My mother was silent, but when she allowed herself to breathe I could her sniffle. Goddamn it, why did I have to be such an ass? Maybe I had the right to say that, but this was proof enough that she was trying.
"I work at a fast-food restaurant," I said, trying to keep my voice level, and calm. "The two girls I work with are lesbians and they boss me around, but it's fun because it keeps me alert. I've been driving since I was fourteen, and I got my licenses one the first try when I turned sixteen. I'm seventeen now, and I'm failing all of my classes at school because I don't bother to show up. That's all there is."
For a while my mother didn't say anything, but when I looked over at her, she gave me a sad smile in return. "Seventeen…" she said mostly to herself. "You grew up faster than I thought you would."
At that moment I had brought the car into the parking lot of the place of her interview. When I parked the car though, we both sat in silence looking at the front door of the building. I could tell my mother was nervous, and it took all my will power to mutter the words, "Good luck."
My mother smiled and nodded at me before she opened the door and stepped out of the car. "Thank you," she said before closing it, "for everything."
The car door slam shut and my mother walked into the building without looking back. Instantly, I let out a nervous breathe and ran my fingers through my hair, trying to calm myself. At least it's over with, I told myself, and backed the car out of the parking lot. I had never wanted to go to school more in my entire life.