He looks so happy. Why does he look so happy? Nix is standing there in the middle of all these girls. They laugh and smile and flirt with him, and he does it back. I feel trapped, I can't tell him. It may be nothing, and I could be just jealous. Maybe I'm just imagining it.
"Why are you staring at him?" Arian asks, and I'm forced out of my thoughts. Was I staring? I thought I was just glancing. Slumping against the wall, I sigh. I'm going crazy. "Are you okay?"
"Fine," I mutter, tearing my eyes away from him. I can't watch anymore. Two weeks of… whatever we have between us, and I'm already like this. It's stupid. He should be able to talk to whomever he wants to, so why am I acting like this?
"Can we go to class?" I ask Arian, and he nods, unsure, but this will be good for me. He never shows up for class anymore, not after they started to attack him. Out of sight, and out of mind. Hopefully.
But I was wrong. The teacher's talking but I don't hear a word they're saying. I can't focus or think straight at all. I don't know why it's bothering me. He's trustworthy, and I know he wouldn't cheat, and we spend our weekends together, in total bliss. I've never been so happy… and so bothered.
My phone vibrates and I jump, surprised from the feeling. No one ever texts me during school, but maybe… maybe it's Nix? I take my phone out as soon as the teacher turns away, and check my messages. There is a message, but it's not from Nix, it's from Lucien. "Are you free on Saturday?"
I can feel my heart race as I read the words. Lucien never texts me- not unless it's important. Am I free on Saturday? Usually, I'm with Nix but… "I'm free," I text back, "and I have a ride."
In what feels like only seconds later, he texts back. "See you then," it reads, and I'm on the edge. I try to calm down- he may just want to see me.
But what if that's not all? A dull headache starts to grow as I try to think of all the possibilities, and I grow reckless. I just want this class to end; I need to find Nix.
When the bell finally rings, I race out of desk and into the hallway, ignoring Arian's pleads to wait for him. In my head, my plan was easy and simple: walk through the hallway, find Nix. But now, as I face a strong current of students, it's much more complicated. I move back until I'm against the wall and wait for an opening, but my brain isn't working right. All I see is me moving in that crowd, and everyone touching me. My breath hitches at the thought, and I can't move.
So I wait. I wait for the noise to go down, and for the people to go away. Then, hugging my books to my chest, I wait for my body to calm down.
As time moves, the crowd thins, and I can move again, just not towards them. I walk with the wall hugged to my side, and I watch out for others coming near me. It works, and soon I spot a circle of girls that I assume to be Nix. Removing myself from the wall, I walk towards them.
The girls don't even notice me when I approach, not that I necessarily want them to. They're fixated on him in the middle of them as he smiles and gives them his attention. Even I, for a moment as I watch, am captivated. It's weird how I never really noticed the brightness of his eyes or the smooth color to his skin; how his clothes hug the muscles in his arms and the curve of his jaw. I have to tear my mind of him to focus- I wasn't here to drool over him.
"Nix," I call out to him through the crowd, but he doesn't hear me. Or, if he does, he's not answering. I call out again, and the girls look back at me, annoyed, but still no response. "Nixion!"
It works this time as the crowd goes silent, and I can see Nix making his way me. The waters part, and suddenly he's in front of me, and I can't breathe. He looks irritated. "What is it?"
I want to talk to him alone, without all of these people listening in. Even if I have to skip class, I want him to myself, but I doubt that he would come with me, so I get to the point. "Can you drive me somewhere on Saturday?"
"Saturday?" he repeats, confused. "Where do you need to go?"
I glace over to the girls and bite my lip, not wanting to talk about it in front of them. Nix sees where I looking and understands. "We can talk about it later. I'll come to your house after school," he says, not really asking, but I don't mind. I miss him. "I'm skipping class with Rylee and the rest of them. Do you want to come?"
"Yes," I answer, without hesitating. It's not alone, but it's as close as I'm going to get.
"Cool," Nix smiles, and my heart stops, but it's not long before he starts walking and I have to catch up. The girls behind us mutter frustrated comments about him leaving, and I feel satisfied. I smiled then, and reach my hand over to his. His skin touches mine, but it's one thing that I can handle; it's something I can-
He shakes off my hand. "Sorry, not here," he mutters apologetically, and I understand. He's not ready people to know yet, that's all, but it's hard to ignore the creeping thought that he's ashamed of me.
It was hard to get him into my house. My mother wasn't the happiest person to him yet again on a school night, but when he promised to leave before dinner, she let him inside. He sat in my room next to me on my bed and said nothing. It was awkward and quiet, but I didn't know how to fix it. I didn't know what he wanted.
"On Saturday," he spoke suddenly, not looking at me, "is it to meet up with someone?"
The tone of his voice surprises me. He seems worried. "Yes, why?" I ask.
"Do you have to go?" He looks at me now with an expression I can't exactly read, and I suddenly feel defensive.
"Why does it matter? Lucien's my friend," I answer a little too strongly. "I visit him every year."
"Because I don't know who that is," he answers and wrings his hands.
I don't understand this at all. Why is he acting like this? "But I do," I say calmer this time. "It's important, please. You can go with me, and you can meet him."
Nix sighs and leans back on my bed. "How do I ever know you're mine?" he mutters, mostly to himself.
"What?" I'm not sure that heard him right. Why would he say something like that?
When I look at him, his expression is pained, and I know he wants to say something, but he's not sure if he should. I lay down beside him as close as I can without touching, hoping to comfort him, but he only looks more pained. "I want to touch you," he says, his voice barely a whisper.
"You can," I answer. "Sometimes we-"
"Not like that," he answers, smiling sadly. "I want to make you mine, physically."
My face heats up instantly, and I don't know what to say. I can't do what he's asking, what he wants. It's impossible for me, and I'm scared.
"I won't do anything you don't want, it's just hard sometimes," he adds, reassuring me, causing me to breathe out a faint sigh of relief. "But don't you ever feel that way?"
"I haven't really thought about it…" I answer honestly. Why would I? Thinking about something like that is hard in itself. But Nix looks pained by my answer.
"Not even once?" he says, and I start to answer, but he moves quickly. The weight shifts on the bed as he moves on top of me. He doesn't touch me, but instead hovers over me. His face is so close to mine that I'm frozen and I can't breathe. I'm certain that none of him is touching me, but even without contact, I can almost feel him touching me. It's not sickening and I don't feel bad at all. I just feel… dizzy.
He watches my face carefully, waiting for my answer, but I can't respond. His lips are so close to mine that I can feel him breathing. My heart beats fast and my own breathing is suddenly too loud. I can't think or move, my head is in a cloud, and suddenly I notice it; I notice that I'm kissing him.
My hands are gripped behind his neck as I kiss him, almost desperately, and he kisses back. I don't know what I doing and I can't feel anything other than wanting him. We gasp for breath as our movements become rough, and I suddenly notice his hands gripping my waist and his body grinding against mine.
It's only when his hand gets under my shirt that the sickening feeling returns, and I quickly remove my mouth from him, and he stops, panting above me. "I'm sorry…" I whisper, but he just smiles.
"Even if this is all I get, it's fine," he says and my eyes brim with tears. I'm happy he's okay with this, but I want to give him everything.