He was able to move, to take his lips away from mine and sit up in his seat, but that was an ability that I didn't have. At best I could only sit there, frozen in place by my own shock and waiting for the feeling to come. But it didn't come.
My stomach turned, but I wasn't nauseous. My heart was racing, but I wasn't scared. My skin burned, but it didn't hurt. No memories came back to me, and I was left with was why. Why did he kiss me? And why didn't I react?
By this time, Nix had already been driving again for a while. He didn't say anything while he drove, and I didn't either. What do you say after that? For one, Nix was a man, and I was also untouchable. When the car finally stopped, Nix had parked us in the driveway to a house that was old and uncared for. It was a one-story house with broken shutters and vandalized walls. The house had a small lawn too, but the grass was dead where there was any- the rest was just dirt. Other than the car that we drove in, there was only one more car, but I would have been surprised if it actually worked.
"Come on," Nix said to me as he got out of the car. Hesitantly, I followed after him and into the house. The inside was better than the outside- there was still old, cheap furniture but it was cleaner. Nix lead me down the hallway and into a room that I assumed to be his. The room was small with a little amount of furniture but a lot of clothes on the floor. "Sorry, I don't clean often," Nix explained, and I just nodded and sat on his unmade bed.
"Why didn't you just tell me?" Nix asked after a moment of my silence.
I sighed, not wanting to talk about this again. If I talked about it, I would remember more, and I would feel more. "I told you, it's none of your business," I said quietly.
"How is not?" Nix answered, his expression pained. "Do you think that you can just talk to me, hang out with me, invite me over and expect me not to care? You let me touch you but I can't know why everyone else can't?"
"I don't know why," I snapped back at him. "I don't know why I don't react to you, and I don't know why I'm so afraid of everyone else. If I knew, I wouldn't be like this. I would finally be normal..."
Silently, Nix sat down beside me and thought while running his hands through his hair. It was so unusual to see him confused and at a loss. Whenever I was with Nix, he was so sure of himself as if he were invisible. But now, he looked as if someone had changed everything he was used to, and it was my fault.
Then Nix spoke up again, "Maybe if you just talked about it you-"
"I have talked about it!" I interrupted, feeling my emotions take over and my eyes start to tear up. I didn't want to cry, not in front of Nix, but there was only a second before my sight began to get blurry. "I've told doctors, I've told police officers, I've told therapists, I've told my parents, and I've even told news reporters. But no matter how many times I talk about it, it doesn't get better. I get asked to tell it over and over and over again just so people can understand, but you know what? You can't understand! No one ever…" I try to continue but my throat feels tight, and my face is now soaked with tears.
"Kace, it's not your fault that-" Nix started to say, but I cut him off again.
"It is my fault," I cried, my voice coming out in sobs now. "I let him in; it's my fault…"
Suddenly, the weight of the bed shifted as Nix moved closer to me, wrapping his arms around me. At first, I was shocked and tensed when he touched me, but soon I relax knowing that it was okay that he could touch me. "I think you're normal," Nix said to me as my tears made wet spots on his shirt. "If this is who you are, then I don't need to understand, and you don't have to tell me, because there's nothing wrong with you."
I expected to cry more, and harder, but instead my tears slowed until I almost stopped crying all together. "You're lying," I said quietly after I calmed down.
"I'm not," he answered back, and slowly he brought up my chin with his fingers and brought his lips to mine. It was a weird feeling, and at first I didn't respond to his kiss, and I didn't reject him. But when he pulled away with a questioning expression, I leaned back up to kiss him again.
This time, his kiss was longer and more desperate. I wanted to stop and to comfort him just like he did for me, but when we separated for air he quickly kissed me again, this time pushing me back against the bed. My head spun as his body weight relaxed on mine, and I kissed him back as his kisses began to get deeper.
It had been so long since I had been touched that I began to get desperate as well, and laced my hands through Nix's hair as I kissed him back. Our breaths started to get heavier, and my body shivered as his tongue pressed against my lips and willed them to open. But suddenly, I felt Nix's hands start to craw underneath my shirt, and as his fingers hit my skin, the nauseous feeling came and I began to feel scared.
"Nix, stop," I asked him, pushing my mouth away from his, but he just moved his lips down to kiss at my neck, and I started to feel scared. "Please Nix, stop it," I tried again and tried to push him off of me, but I was too weak.
His kisses got deeper into my neck, and his finger slid higher up into my shirt as I started to cry again. I didn't want this to be how it was before, I didn't want this to get any farther; I just wanted it to stop. "Nix!" I begged again but he wouldn't listen. Then, as he lifted up his head out of the corner of my neck, I stuck my hand against his face. The sound of the slap was loud and almost echoed in my ears as a section of his face turned red. "Please, stop!"
There was moment then when Nix didn't do anything and neither did I. All I could do was look up at his face and at his pained expression. I worried then that I had offended him, that maybe by rejecting him I hurt him. "Why?" he asked me.
"Because… I don't know how I feel, and I don't even know how you feel," I lied. "I mean, what if I let you? Then what happens? I don't want this to be just a thing that happened that we both try to forget."
Nix thought it over carefully, and then slowly moved his body off of mine. I thought that he would then walk away, but instead he just moved beside of me, and leaned over to kiss my forehead. His gentleness hurt right after I had to lie to him, but this was better. It was true that I wanted to be sure of his feelings first, but it would hurt him if I told him what his touch was doing to me.
"I understand," he said after bring me closer to him. "I'll just have to prove it to you then."