Dear myself,
"Are you listening? Are you with me?" Ron exclaimed trying to figure out what I was up to.
"Yeah!" I lazily replied.
"So, mind if you retell what I was talking about?" She said then she rolled her eyes.
"Whatever," I smirked. "And here's the thing. You met your elementary friend slash crush in a coffee shop that it turns out the other day that your crush was a successful engineer who will handle your project proposal in your company. You are thrilled by that sudden encounter and then you began narrating all of your elementary memories, epic moments, how smart he was and everything. Really? Is that only a simple crush or beyond what you know?"
"Very good, my friend. You strike all the details. Idol! Let me revise your notion, it was just crushed, admiration. Nothing more, nothing less," she gave me two thumbs up.
"Really? How sure are you?" I insisted because, in the back of my mind, it was the other way around. She, then, pinched my right cheek.
"What's for?" I frowned.
"Hello, girl! Those are just elementary days and everything was different from today."
"You think so?" I responded.
If only you knew, I once kept on denying before. My childhood years were quite remarkable. I was once like Ron experience but the only difference I knew him since day one.
"I got to go. I want to rest. This day was quite exhausting," I said.
"Okay, I'll stay here for a while," she responded and I bid my good night as I leave the roof deck and went to our unit.
I immediately prepared myself from bed. I stared at the ceiling as I tried to sleep. My thought back to one aspect. That when I was a kid, I was very innocent. No worries. No frustrations. No mixed emotions. No pretensions. None at all. Chill feelings.
I was a kid that what matters the most was to play, watch anime and foreign dramas. Though in the anime and dramas, sometimes it portrays what they so-called LOVE. At first, I didn't even understand why the characters look so bad when they felt unloved. I didn't know the feeling of being heartbroken. I didn't grasp the idea of love.
I was a kid who doesn't understand why friendship is important. My friends always tell me, "if you don't want to give me, we're not friends." What they can give were only matters. I was very childish at the same time, selfish.
I was a kid, an innocent one.
Days, weeks and months had passed, everything went well. It was very stressful yet enjoyable.
Those years passes by, things changed. Things that I don't understand became clear to me and things that you won't even expect to happen will come to pass in an expected time.
I woke in my deep sleep that we can't control everything and I can't go back in time.
In a way, as Sha Nacino, a trusted global speaker, once said in her email that was address to me "sometimes we can be like a deer. We keep on searching for the next big thing that would make us feel happy and loved. We keep on chasing things outside of ourselves. Once we get what we're chasing for, we can be happy momentarily. Then we start the chase again. Our thirst is insatiable."
I was like that, I admit it. I admit that I was once chasing the unseen and unreachable things. I was once hoping, rewinding and replaying in my mind the happy memories I formerly experience.
For once, dear myself, I suffered a lot. I felt betrayed.
I felt nothing. I felt like an empty can.
I felt worthless. I even whimpered countless times and acted nothing after that.
But I came to realize that not everybody understands someone's worth. Not everybody will stay, few only.
My special friend hurt me. My special friend didn't treasure our friendship. He ruined our friendship. We ruined our friendship. We wrecked our memories. I may sound pathetic and overacting girl but I don't care about what others would think.
I didn't regret that I went beyond our friendship, that I felt a unique pact with my special friend. It just that what I regret the most is that he wasted, we destroyed all our happy memories.
Falling in love and getting hurt is not my choice. It is an unexpected feeling. It is a feeling that made senses numb. It just happened. But accepting that it all happens can ease the pain. Forgiving and forgetting does not mean that I condone errors or allow others to take the motive of me. It just means that I choose to let go of resentment or burden buried in my heart. When we determine to forgive, we are choosing not to let negative experiences make us bitter and we can able to move forward.
After all, WE are not meant to each other. We need to go in separate ways facing our own lives. As I said, being a kid was the best memories I ever experienced to reminisce but what happens was what had happened.
Just a glimpse of the past reminds me of everything even if it is past and without past, I am not who and what I am right now.
I know it was hard. It was painful. It was like a sword that hits through the veins. No one can help me but only by myself. That's the fact. Because everyone is occupied with their own lives, and so should be me as well.
I need to try and give my best to the people who mean the whole world to me because what I want is to run behind dreams and not fantasies.
Lastly, I wish for myself is HAPPINESS. The thing that will last forever is happiness.
I hope this journal will remind me that I will not do the same mistake again.
Farewell,
Ms A