I sit on my sofa for a very long time, a thousand thoughts racing in my head. Finally,
I force myself to stand up and I walk to my bedroom, strip naked and after that I get
into the shower. After the long hot shower, I change into a comfortable nightdress
and I fall asleep.
I jolt awake in the middle of the night from a terrible nightmare. My forehead wet
with beads of salty sweat. I exhale in relief as I note that it was just a dream. My
empty stomach growls angrily in hunger and I walk to the kitchen to grab something
to eat. There is nothing to eat except the meal that Cameroon cooked. I hungrily dig
in and I after eating, I head to my study to work since I have no more sleep left.
I walk into the study room, turn on the lights and I settle behind my wooden desk,
turn on my desk lamp and I get down to working. I have a lot of work to do though
most of it are assignments from the students. I have three sets of assignments. Two
sets are soft copies sent by email and one set is hard copy so I decide to start with
the hard copies. I pen down every wrong, highlight every loophole and give a suitable
mark. My eyes start getting gritty from all the reading that I am doing. The best way
to tackle this is to drink some coffee. It will keep me awake for a certain period in
time. I heard downstairs to the kitchen and brew myself a hot cup of Ethiopian coffee.
I make my way back to the study but as I walk past Cameroon's room, my heart
breaks. The temptation to open the door and check on him, overwhelms me and I
push open the door only to be kicked by the reality of my actions, straight in the
teeth. The room is empty and the sheets are undone.
I get into the room and goose bumps creep up my skin as I feel the emptiness.
Feelings of regret crowd my mind and heart. I further inspect the room till I come
across some papers on the side table of the headboard. They look like small notes
but upon further inspection, I realize that they are letters. I can't really read the
content because of my eyesight, so I take them to my study.
I settle down behind the wooden desk, put on my spectacles and I take a mental bite
of the words penned down on the paper in blue ink, some are written in black ink,
in a rather beautiful handwriting that looks almost similar to mine. The first paper
reads:
A letter to mother.
Dear mother.
I write this letter in expression of need, desire and yearning. A yearning to
see your face, to hear you speak, to feel your love and have you in my life.
Mama, I want to know the reasons why you left. I want to know why you
don't communicate and why you don't come and see me or at least spend
some quality time with you...
when I read the letter, something inside of me snaps.
Something indescribable. Something I thought I had definitely thought I had taken
out of my life and destroyed- guilt.
I stand from my chair as the memories of what transpired choke me. Tears cloud my
eyes. I know that if I stay any further like this, these feelings are going to destroy me,
the victim in all this madness. So I decide to go jogging.
I put on my tracksuit, pin my hair with the numerous pins, put on my tennis shoes,
plug my headphones and I embark on a jog. The first two runs are what become the
total build up to my sprint, but the faster I run, the more I feel a sharp jab on my
abdomen. I slow down my pace but still the jabs continue so I briefly sit down at the
side of the road, taking a breather.
I stand up after some time and heard back to the house, the pain still lingering
around. I get home, take some pain killers and I lay down before I prepare for another
working day.
I pull through the day, perfectly well though with an element of laziness. I get home
later than usual and I collapse into bed soon after supper, only to wake up at 5:00
am when the alarm rings, disturbing the peaceful silence in the house.
I rush to the bathroom to relieve my pressured bladder and after that, I put on my
tracksuit, plug my headphones and get on the road where the cool morning air with
an element of moisture is still and fresh.
Usually after a good stress-free festive holiday, I am always overweight and strangely
this time, I have a pot belly. A small one though but its something that I never develop
no matter how fat I get. So the reason for this vigorous exercise is to get rid of this
pot belly.
First round, second round and I fail to complete the third round around the block as
the sharp jab has returned and this time, the pain has even doubled, it feels like
something is going to rip out of my abdomen. I sit down at the side of the road as I
try to catch my breath at the same time, trying to let the pain subdue. The cold
morning air hits painfully in my throat causing irritation so I put a hand on my nose
to prevent too much air from entering.
I sit on the side of the road for a period of time until at last, I stand up and slowly
make my way to my house. When I get to the house, I eat something and take some
pain killers and head to my bedroom. This becomes one hell of a struggle as the pain
seems to intensify with every step that I take as I ascend up the staircase.
Waking up to the pain after the brief nap, awakens a gazillion questions in my head
but the first alarm that gets me out of my nightdress, into the shower, eventually
into a loose red dress and pumps- is the thought of cancer. Most probably Cervical
Cancer. I drive to the hospital in the company of songs from Jill Scott's Album called
'The Moments, The Minutes, The Hours.'
Luckily my doctor is not busy. Well, she is not really my doctor but Vimbai's little
sister and I am used to her so she will speed up whatever check-up I have to go
through and I will rush straight to work as soon as I finish.
"So, what do you think it is?" I question her after undergoing through a million
procedures.
"Well, for now I am not sure. Judging from the stiff abdominal walls, it might be
anything ranging from fibroids to pregnancy. I am yet to access your blood results.
If I don't find anything, then you would have to come back for a scan. But I would
advise you to also suspend the exercise for some time so that we can observe whether
the pains come as a result of exercise or not." She says as she smiles reassuringly.
"I really hope it's not cancer. I mean, all the money I would have to pump out with
operations and Chemotherapy." I say, my voice filled with absolute fear.
"Just pray so." She says.
...for two days, I impatiently wait for the results, watching my cell phone closely
and forever keeping it in my hands.
"Are you expecting another job soon?" Chiedza asks. Her eyes wide open in emphasis.
"No. why do you ask?" I say, my mind still buried in the sand of thoughts in my head.
"The cell phone. The way you carry it these days. It's as if you are expecting
something important. Did you participate in any competition that promised results
anytime soon?" Vimbai asks.
"No, nothing like that." I respond and back to my thoughts, my mind returns.
"Then what's the push factor?" Chiedza questions. My cell phone rings and I quickly
answer it.
"Let's hope you have good news. I have not been able to sleep for the past two days"
I say to the person on the other end of the line.
"I think, I have more than good news for you. Are you ready for the mind blowing
news?" Vimbiso questions in high pitched voice. An almost childish tone lacing her
voice.
"Just spill it out already." I say to her in an impatient voice. Curiosity is clawing at
me, as if I am expecting something amazing. Psssh! luckily she has confirmed that I
don't have cancer.
"You are pregnant. This is the fourth month into the pregnancy. The beginning of the
second trimester. So congratulations!" Vimbiso says.
"I am what?" I question in total shock. I can't be pregnant. Worse off, I don't
remember indulging during and after the festive season.
"Yeah, you are pregnant. Your blood was very high in Human Chorionic
Gonadotrophins hormones. A clear sign of pregnancy. So congratulations! And oh
yeah, you would have to suspend your exercises. They might compromise the health
of the baby. This one seems to be a very sensitive pregnancy, so you have to be extra
careful with your diet and your emotions. Your mental state is also incorporated. No
stressing around unnecessarily or you might lose the baby and in severe cases, you
might lose your life. Stay safe and congratulations!" she says and after that she hangs
up.
I am still holding the cell phone to my ear even though the phone call has been long
disconnected….pregnancy…pregnancy at 35! Worse off I can't trace the father of the
baby as of yet, until the baby is born and that's when I can be sure. One thing that
I am happy about is the fact that I am not barren from the abortion but on the other
hand, what if the baby is crippled from the abortion that I did the last time?! Just
that thought triggers a severe headache.
I stand up from the three sitter sofa, that I have been sitting on and I head to my
desk to get some painkillers. At the back of my head, I can hear Chiedza and Vimbai
calling my name but their voices are very distant and barely audible to even catch
my attention.
What will my parents say about the baby? How will my relatives perceive me for
having two fatherless children?!..... Just those thoughts worsen my headache and
the headache knocks me off my feet. The next thing I know, I have blacked out.
...…I open my eyes slowly and the light blinds them, causing me to wince in pain
but I force them open. There is something extremely cold on my fore head.
"How are you feeling?" Vimbai's voice questions. Her tone is low and filled with
absolute concern.
"Ahh! My head!" I say as I hold my head in my hands, trying to stop the pounding
headache that I have.
"Yah, you hit your head hard on the floor when you fainted." Chiedza says.
"How long have I been out?" I question as I try to sit up, still holding the cold thing
to my head. Its most probably ice, judging from its texture and the cool moisture that
it makes on my skin.
"It's only an hour." Vimbai says.
"I need to get home and rest." I say as I search for my shoes. It seems like they
removed my shoes, unbuttoned my blouse and slightly unzipped my skirt. I fix all
these things and prepare to get home.
"You are in absolutely no state to drive yourself home. Come on, I will drive you."
Vimbai says. Of cause I want to protest but I am in absolutely no state to protest and
put my ego first. I am even involuntarily shaking from all the shock of the news that
I received from Vimbiso.
Vimbai drives me home, gets me into my nightdress, cooks, I eat, she gives me some
pain killers and after that she leaves. I am left all by myself back to the thoughts in
my head. The thoughts that I have tried so hard to block…..on one side, I am happy
but on the other hand, I am greatly disappointed in myself. As I think about all this,
my hand constantly strays to my abdomen.
Well, now that I am pregnant, there is nothing that I can do. I just have to piece
together my life and focus on this pregnancy because one thing for sure, I can't
terminate another life just because of my reckless mistakes. It's very unfair and
sinful...