I sit in the chair across from detective Cole, in shock. I just stare at the picture that is laid before me. He hands me a box of tissues.
I clean the tears off of my face and throw the tissues in the trash can. I continue staring at the picture laid before me. The air catches in my throat again, making me feel like I swallowed razors. I can feel the butterflies forming in my stomach. The knots starting to form. Not knowing when I should speak, so I just stare at the picture that shouldn't exist.
"Are you sure you guys didn't just miss it the first time? I mean, who else could have killed her? If it wasn't Karma, then how did Lucy's bloodied up jacket get in her closet? And why do you think I would know?" I had so many questions. Each one making me angrier than the last.
"We didn't miss it. There would be no way that we missed it. This stuff was laid right where her body was found, as if someone was paying respects with them. We don't know who laid them there, but that's what we're trying to find out. That's why were asking you." He leaned back in his chair, arms folded. I feel uneasy. Accused. Uncomfortable.
We both sat there in silence for what felt like an eternity. I tried to avoid eye contact, while he tried to make eye contact with me. "I'm just having a hard time understanding how I would know anything about it when Lucy was three states away." I paused, trying to figure out what to say next. "So, what do you want from me?"
"I want to go over that summer with you again, if you don't mind." I know he didn't care if I minded or not. I had to comply.
I thought this over. I rolled over every scenario in my head of what happened after Lucy left to be with her mom. "What more could you know? I was only with Lucy at the very beginning of summer. Then she went to stay with her mom for a few months. She's done that since her parents divorced when we were freshmen in high school."
"Just tell me everything." He seemed cold, distant. Almost as if he was trying to separate himself from a hard situation, like I always do. Any time I feel uncomfortable, or feel like I'm at risk of feeling my feelings then I separate myself and act like a robot. Was he doing this too? And if so, why would he feel the need?
"That could take a while..." I paused, took a deep breath, "before we get into this, can I talk to my parents first? I don't want them worried." He allowed me to leave for a few moments. I walk out to the lobby where my parents are sitting. I tell them what's going on, and ask them to bring me a change of clothes and some toiletries. I had a feeling I would be here for a while. My mom tries to insist that they should stay, and they should be in there with me. I shake my head and refuse. I didn't want to drag them into this. This is something I needed to do alone this time. They leave me in the lobby, and I take a few minutes before asking the lady to buzz me through the door again. I walk back to the interrogation room as slowly as I can. I try to gather my thoughts, my feelings, and memories of Lucy. All the things I've tried to lose over the past two years.
I walk back into the room, not sitting down. I pace around my side of the room, biting my nails. Nervous habit. I stop, turn, and look at the detective that has been watching me for what seemed like an hour. I felt ready. I didn't feel like the shell of a girl I did two years ago. I was confident.
"Alright." I take my seat. I mirror his posture by leaning towards him, folding my hands on the table, and placed my feet firmly on the ground. Something I learned in law school. If you aren't guilty, then you wouldn't feel the need to create space between you and your accuser. If you are guilty, then you lean way from your interrogator, and you close your arms and body inward to protect yourself. You want to shield your body while also creating as much distance as you can. I continued, "You want to know everything?" He nodded at me. "Well, you might want to get some comfier furniture in here because this is going to take a while." He leans back in his chair, and I mirror his body language. People feel more at ease when you mirror them.
"Alright then. I'll be back in a little while with something better." He walks out of the room.
I stand and pace the room. If he says he wants to know everything, then he will know everything. Everything about me, Sam, Ashley, and more importantly, he'll know everything about Lucy Marshal. Then I pause, maybe I just tell him everything about me. I shouldn't drag Ash and Sam under the bus with me. That was the difference between us and Lucy. If she went down, she would bring all of us down with her.
He enters the room with three other officers carrying in a couch, a recliner, and two small desks. They take the folding chairs and the white table out of the large room. I felt like I was in a home making show. I sit on the couch while detective Cole takes the recliner.
"If you say you want to know everything, then the summer of 2015 isn't good enough." He nods at me, gesturing for me to continue. "You need to know who Lucy is, or rather, what she is. You need to understand how she got to be in this position. Then, and only then, will you maybe learn how and why she was killed. You may even learn who actually killed her in the process."
He looks at me hard, like I am a criminal sitting comfortably in my living room. Almost as if he already knew who killed her, he just wants to rule out involvement. I raise my eyebrows as if to say, "are you sure you have the time for this?" He nods at me.
"Okay. Let's get started then." I sit up on the couch, ready to pour out all of my secrets to the one person I should never tell them to. He pulls the recliner up and leans the back down like we were in a therapy session. I put my feet up on the couch beside my body. I put my head in my hand, and I got as comfortable as detective Cole looked. Maybe he would feel more comfortable if I mirrored his supposed relaxed body language.
"Okay." He said.
"And if you find what I have to say incriminating in any way..." I paused, thinking over everything that I know now, "You can arrest me when we're done."