- ... and here Hoon-oppa was sulking cause of grandma's punishment. Look, see his thorn clothes?, chuckled Joohee – actually he run after a kid till their home to "teach" them a few things haha, but didn't expect a Rottweiler there. He was lucky enough to escape with just his pants thorn haha.
Jiwook laughed greedily along side Joohee, his eyes practically glowing at the cute and hilarious sights of the younger Joohoon.
- He was blabbering how unfair it was, how the kid bullied Taejoon-oppa and he just wanted to make them apologize.
A soft smile danced on Jiwook's face.
"Who knew Joohoon was the righteous type." Giggles.
- Taejoon?
- Oh it's his childhood friend. Here.
Joohee pointed another photo where Joohoon's hand locked a delicate-looking boy in a friendly way, his smile wide and bright, full of a child's serenity, so lively and sincere, that it filled Jiwook's heart with warmth when he looked at it. Joohoon's smile was such an overwhelming and unordinary sight, that Jiwook barely surpassed a gasp, while his heart skipped a beat.
Marvelous.
He wondered where the sun-like bright boy with those honest, upright eyes was gone, that not even a shadow of him remained in Joohoon. After a few moments he noticed that it disappeared earlier than he expected, as fewer and fewer photos had Joohoon in it and even then, he looked sometimes angry, grumpy or gloomy, but on most of it a cold dark expression was plastered on his face. Even darker than on the present Joohoon. Jiwook felt his heart squeezing, his finger brushed over the young Joohoon's face as if trying to reach to him.
Joohee watched him quietly, then after a moment she let out a small sigh.
- That winter mother died.
Jiwook held his breath, he moved his look on Joohee, worry and sadness slowly filling his eyes.
- It was an overdose of pills. After father's death, she was struggling to support us and make ends meet overworking herself. Though I was very young then, I remember she was an warm and kind person, strong enough to endure all hardships with a smile. But in the end it broke her. Maybe Oppa was the one who could feel her sufferings the most. He was a child himself but he stuck with the idea that he's the man of the family and had to help mum. Yeah, help... – Joohee sighed heavily while hugging herself; it wasn't easy to recollect all those dark days from the past – she had severe depression. During her outbursts, which became more frequent, she'd throw and break things, often injuring herself. Brother stood close to her taking hits instead and trying hard to calm her down. He never cried. He wouldn't even let a sound. That day..., Joohee closed her eyes, her hands trembling in cold sweat – I foolishly came out of the room... I wanted to stop my mother, yeah how dumb I was... she didn't see me, perhaps... I would have been hit by a glass but brother protected me taking the hit instead. There was so much blood that I thought Oppa would die then, Joohee's voice trembled, a tear slid down her face unnoticed – I was scarred, but when I looked at mother, she was just horrified. Her distorted terrified expression and her tearing scream... I could never forget. I think she realized what she did and her guilt ..., Joohee struggled to finish her words - cough- mother went in her room and she never came out anymore.
Jiwook felt chills down his spine, his fingers numb, his lungs so heavy that breathing was too painful. He felt eerie. He never saw their mother, he couldn't know how she looked back then, but, even so, his mind played the scene Joohee just described, so clear and vivid like he witnessed it himself.
It was so...
familiar.
He covered his face with one hand, his whole body trembling, his lungs refused to take in air and he could just let small broken gasps, chocking.
- Jiwook-oppa? Are you alright?
Joohee felt something was wrong and called him over again, anxiety filling her. She was about to shout for Joohoon to come, but he was already there, at his back.
Sensing the younger's distress, without thinking, he hugged him right away, covering his trembling body with his arms.
Jiwook clang to him, gripping tightly his shirt, gasping for air, and yet couldn't take a breath – he held onto Joohoon as if he was his lifeline.
- Jiwook breathe. It's okay. You're safe.
Joohoon's quiet smoothing voice barely reached Jiwook, though with his tight embrace and hand caressing the younger's back, Jiwook started to relax a bit and finally could breathe again. Joohoon hushed him softly further with same words, placing kisses now and then on his blueish head. Jiwook, crouched into a ball, was enveloped with the elder's warmth, a steady and calming heartbeat poured in his ears and melted away his trembling.
Joohoon encountered already the younger's adhesive habit of leaning in to listen to his heartbeat; it seemed he did that unconsciously to seek comfort and assurance. The elder held him on his lap and continued to gently stroke Jiwook's hair.
When the younger's breathing became steady and it looked like he fell asleep, after some time, Joohoon lifted his eyes to his sister. He wasn't even surprised when he saw her making photos and literally sparkling with delight. Joohee had the luck to be in the first row to witness the whole endearing scene in front of her and of course she had to immortalize that exceptional moment.
- Joohee.
His voice, though still soft, contained firmness that demanded her full attention and seriousness. She straitened her back and returned her brother's look.
- I know. I'm sorry.
- What happened.
- Er We looked through your photos. When he noticed your gloomy face on it, he was hesitating to ask, but I could see he wanted to know. So... I told him a bit about-...
She trailed off. It was clear what she meant.
- Sigh.
- I'm sorry oraboni.
- Joohee... You never talked about this with anyone. You just met him today. Why do you trust him so m-
- It's you.
- Huh?
- Because of you. The way you look at him... He's someone important to you, I could see that. I thought he should know.
Joohoon felt uncomfortable, as if the said words itched him right where it stung. It seemed it was the truth, though he never noticed.
"Was it that obvious?"
Even his young sister understood that at first glance, Taejoon maybe too. Whom he wanted to fool?!
Sigh.
This was getting serious already.
Joohoon scratched roughly his hair in defeat.
He was done for good.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
It was already late evening when Jiwook woke up, though he felt a little tired, he had a good nap. His mind was still throbbing thinking about Joohee's story; what happened to Joohoon – he'd never think the elder had to go through all that as a child.
Somehow it bothered him.
Maybe even more.
His heart squeezed in pain. Though it was different from anything painful he felt till then.
It was bitter.
Jiwook found Joohoon in the yard, one leg bend, his left hand resting on it held a can of beer. His empty eyes fixed on sight in front of the house. Though there was nothing special about it : an endless string of old houses edged with discolored gates and the opaque twilight sky, which had just as faded colors, nor blue, nor orange, nor gray. It was a mix of it all, making the view plain and dispirited.
Even so, Joohoon's eyes sunk blankly over it, unbothered, as if he wasn't watching it in the first place.
Jiwook stand in the doorway for a moment more, taking in the sight of a lost-in-thoughts Joohoon, that looked strangely lonely to him.
Step.
- Do you have one more?
Joohoon slowly turned his head, his empty gaze now lingering on Jiwook for a few seconds, as if he didn't get what the younger asked.
However as Jiwook sat down near him, the elder took a can from a bag hidden behind his back, opened it and gave to Jiwook. The other looked dumfounded at the opened can for a second but took it anyway muttering a small thanks back, his ears just a tiny bit red.
They drank quietly for a while, neither of them attempting to break the silence that actually didn't feel awkward at all, rather pleasing.
While Jiwook tried to look interested in the sight in front of him, Joohoon's stare was downright pinned on the younger, making Jiwook painfully aware of it.
His heart skipped a beat just from one stare.
Just when he wanted to point it out and ask what was that about, Joohoon spoke first, his voice unusual faded, mellow even.
- Are you okay?
!!
Jiwook couldn't hide the impact that simple question had on him, his widen eyes, his light blushing cheeks and his slightly opened month betraying him away.
He blinked in confusion.
"It can't be that he's worried right?!"
Even if he doubted that, he couldn't help not feeling happy about it.
He remembered Joohoon's tight embrace and warm voice before he passed out and a ticklish excitement fluttered in his stomach.
- I'm okay... Thank you.
... and you?
The two words conveyed much more than just a mere polite question.
"How have you been all this time? Was it hard? Does it hurt?..."
Joohoon didn't expect that either, but he got what Jiwook really asked about, being visibly taken aback. He lagged for a few moments, Jiwook's words dissipating in the evening's chilly and cozy at the same time air.
Jiwook thought he shouldn't peer in the other's past even if he craved to know everything about Joohoon.
- I'm sorry.
He hurriedly added.
Joohoon dropped a small chuckle, his gaze softened.
- Do you wanna know?
- !! Y-yeah!
The answer came immediately as if he barely could hold it back, his eyes sparkled uncontrollably at the given chance. He caught himself right in time before he'd come closer to the elder and blushed realizing how excited he was, that the other would open to him a little.
Another chuckle.
- Excited, aren't you?
Cough. Jiwook cleared his voice, denying that would be meaningless.
Joohoon's smile deepened, his head dropped back leaning on the wood bar behind him.
He closed his eyes and wondered what exactly from his messy past should he tell, and how.
Following Joohoon's a bit tensed expression, pondering over what to say, Jiwook wanted to ease it somehow and asked him first.
- Was it... hard?
The elder looked back at him, his stare unwillingly heavy.
"Foxy Han, right on point, aren't you?"
He took another sip of beer, hoping for the alcohol to magically help his month loose. It was his 4d can. Of course it wouldn't work.
- Hmm ... maybe, I'm not sure. It wasn't easy from the beginning.
Jiwook's expression darkened. He didn't know what answer he expected, but Joohoon's words, though it sounded casual, carried a crushing weight.
- Do you hate-, Jiwook stopped himself biting his lip heavily.
What was he about to ask?! Hate what, whom?! Why did he need to know that?! He squeezed his fists so hard, that nails were digging his skin.
- Ha! Hate? Yeah you could say that.
Something dangerous stirred in Joohoon's eyes. He continued, his voice getting colder and colder.
- I hated that damned house, those shitty neighbors that mocked us in the face, those f*king thugs that enjoyed to trample us for some goddam bucks... hm yeah those rich assholes that looked at us like we weren't humans but bugs instead. I hated father for leaving mother alone, hated myself for being so weak and useless...
Joohoon's eyes glittered ferociously like he was about to kill someone and his stretched smile, that would send cold chills and frighten even a mad dog, was literally paralyzing anyone in his proximity. He dug his fingers with one hand on half of his face, as if he wanted to tear off his skin himself and crushed the can with the other hand so easily like it was a paper. Jiwook was frozen, but not from fright, shock and anxiety yes, though the most of it was pain, each word was piercing heavily his heart making him unable to breath. He couldn't believe his eyes and ears, as the strong and unyielding Joohoon he always knew, was now chocking with irrepressible rage before him, every fiber of his body was screaming pain, grief and helplessness, and that sight was cutting Jiwook alive.
Hard? hate? those simple words couldn't even begin to describe his pain.
- ha this cursed world, it's rotten to the core. Even breathing it's making me wanna puke and what? Hate? No, hate is for children to play with, and what I feel, is far more heinous. Killing those shitheads wouldn't be enough, not even their strangled necks and blooded eyes would be satisfying... Yeah I guess if it wasn't for Joohee I'd long since rot in cells or maybe I'd be teared in pieces by the family of those I'd have killed. Ah I'd love to see their twisted faces-
!!
His eyes met Jiwook's face.
Sigh.
Joohoon made a deep sigh, trying to gather his thoughts together, he really lost himself there and that shocked him a bit. He never thought he could spit out his darkest thoughts like that without even him noticing. His face regained the lost composure, his eyes recovering the faded warmth, a bare small smile lined on his lips. His whole body relaxed and the menacing air around him dispersed.
- Why are you crying?
There, opposite to him, Jiwook was swallowing dry his cries, muffling it with all his strength, huge drops of tears rolling down at worrisome speed, making not just his eyes red and puffy, but his nose, cheeks and month too, as he was trying to roughly wipe it with his sleeve and made it even worse. His whole face was a mess of tears, snot and redness that one would wonder how he was still able to breathe through all that.
Chuckle.
- Han Jiwook. I can never guess what's inside that pretty head of yours.
Hearing Joohoon now softened tone, the younger burst now loud in tears, letting out everything he held till then.
- Waah J-j-joo-hoon... H-hyun-g *sob, h-hyu-ng, y-you...*sob p-plea-ase ... d-don't ...*sniff, -ot in ce-ells!!
- Haha are you actually worried about that?! You fool.
Joohoon couldn't keep his smile from widening, his eyes disappearing in two thin lines.
- Sob, I-I'm s-sor-ry ...*sniff h-hyung, I d-don't *sniff know w-what to s-say.
Jiwook cried further even more inspired, as if the fact that he didn't know what to say to Joohoon, to lessen his pain at least a little bit, made him even more miserable.
Sigh.
- What should I do with you... come here.
It looked like Jiwook was waiting for those words, cause he immediately rushed to the other throwing himself over him and trying to lock him in a tight hug.
- S-sorry...sorry...sorry.
Jiwook repeated the word over and over again, he himself not sure for what he was sorry for, but he felt he should say it. His cries didn't cease yet for another half an hour or maybe longer.
- Mmhmm.
Joohoon quietly mumbled in agreement now and then, his right hand brushing the younger's hair and his nape, his chin resting leisurely on the top of the other's head. He felt his shirt wet from Jiwook's tears and snot, but surprisingly it didn't bother him.
He smiled instead.
Yeah.
He felt just a tiny bit ... better.