Splash.
Jiwook looked in the mirror and threw a few handful of cold water on his face. It was 4 am and sleep wasn't gonna visit him tonight. No wonder, when he slept dead through the whole day.
"Damn it stings."
He looked at his insanely swollen eyes and puffy under bags, even his cheeks seemed baggy, one would think he got hit the hell out of him and not just cried. Yeah, definitely not something so foolish.
"Damn so embarrassing."
Forget crying, he wailed like a little kid, his nose running worse than on a baby, and what was he blabbering about?! He couldn't even utter a word normally. And to finish it all, he run and wiped that misery from his face on Joohoon's shirt.
"Oh My God kill me instead!"
How he was gonna face him later - was now the question of "be or not to be" in Jiwook's life. He crouched down, covering his head with his arms as well, as if trying to hide his shame.
- Can I just disappear in a hole or something?!
Of course no hole was ready to appear and help him right then.
Sigh.
His thoughts trailed off, returning to Joohee and Joohoon's words. He rested his head on his arms, though it was very late, it was clearer than ever.
"The reason Joohoon was like this, why he stepped on others' pride, crashed it even and watched as they struggle and fall to ruin, everything he went through... is it really what keeps him alive?"
Jiwook bit his lip, one hand grabbed roughly a mop of hair.
Tch.
He knew. Deep inside he knew from their first meeting, that Joohoon wouldn't need him for anything good.
"He knew what I desperately wished for and he gave it to me only as a way to break my world for later. My brother - Siwoon - if he shattered him, he'd destroy me as well. Haha of course, that's how is supposed to be!"
Though his eyes were empty dry, stinging tears were about to fall. He clenched the fabric of his shirt, where his heart beat heavily.
The sight of young Joohoon protecting his sister and his mother throwing the glass at them, him covered in blood silently looking at his mother and her, screaming her lungs out. His mind played that scene over and over again.
"He's different. Different from me."
He clenched his shirt so tight and pulled it for a few times, then he started to hit his heart with strong and heavy blows.
Joohoon was living for his sister and Jiwook strangled his brother with his own hands.
"He even blamed himself for what happened, and I... I always blamed my brother."
Siwoon's last words rang in his head and he finally understood its weight.
"... You drove your own brother, to kill himself, and you think you're innocent?
Accept all the dirty things you did ... you should atone for everything you've done..."
Gasp.
Jiwook continued to hit his heart, like something burning was slashing him from inside.
His eyes closed from that phantom pain, yet he saw Joohoon's mother right in front of him. Her hands in blood, but it wasn't her own, eyes popped out from shock, her month twisted in a wicked smile, horror and madness on her face.
- Hey.
Her voice sounded like broken glass making holes in his ears.
- You're just like me.
Gasp.
He fell on his knees, his body bend, no more strength in it, he was feeling nauseous.
Then it rang.
"Do you hate your mother?"
The question he wanted to ask Joohoon, popped now clear in his mind.
The dreadful voice replied.
- No, hate is not what I feel. It's far more thrilling...hahaha I want to kill her. Kill with my own hands. Kill and laugh at her strangled neck and blooded eyes. Kill. You. I'll kill YOU!
Jiwook chirred to the toilet and vomited everything he had inside. Though after two attempts there wasn't anything more to spill, he continuously tried to repeat it, his muscles contorting by itself.
He was disgusted!
Disgusted with himself.
"Hate! You! Kill you! Kill! Killed your brother! Hate! Atone for everything! Accept! ACCEPT!"
Words and voices mixed up together in a whirlwind of burning and poisoned whips striking deeply his flesh right to his heart.
It was bursting out with pain ready to explode.
Gasp.
Joohoon's mother's scream cut through his ears and veins, and squeezed his heart like a chain. He would scream as well, but he couldn't.
Gasp.
His neck... felt like it was strangled.
A hand was chocking him fiercely.
Gasp.
He scratched and dug his nails in that hand but it wouldn't budge.
His pupils dilated as air was squeezed out of him.
- Jiwook!
Joohoon run to him, he was shocked for second as he saw what Jiwook was trying to do.
Jiwook's one hand pressed hard on his neck, strangling him and the other ripping the skin on it to free himself from its hold. It sent chills down his spine. It took a few tries till he succeeded to grab his both hands and keep it clasped together with one hand, with the other holding his head from the back.
Even then, Jiwook seemed to not breathe yet.
He frowned, not knowing what to do.
"His breakdowns are getting worse."
It was worrisome.
Joohoon was familiar with those patterns, but even so, two of it in a row was alarming dangerous and the extent of the current one was more than just severe. And he knew that the cause of it must had to do with their talks about him and his past.
"He can't see me."
Jiwook convulsed under the elder's hold, still gasping for air mutedly, as if purposely trying to suppress the sounds that would come out.
- Jiwook! JIWOOK!
Joohoon's voice broke in anxiety.
- Wake up! JIWOOK!
It quivered in distress and sounded so wrong, foreign even to his own ears. His shouted name rang haphazardly in echoes around the younger, almost physically touching him.
Jiwook flinched as the strangely distraught-like voice stroke him like lightening.
- J-Joo...hoon.
Jiwook could barely murmur the other's name finally aware of his surroundings.
"I'm still in bathroom?! Wasn't it...just a nightmare?"
His eyes slid to his hands, which were cuffed by Joohoon's left one, questions rising on his face.
His one hand was scratched to blood, the other's nails in blood as well, his neck felt bruised and stung too.
Cause the memories of what just happened with him were vivid clear in his mind, he understood.
It wasn't a nightmare anymore.
It was real.
He was chocking his last breath and the one strangling him was no one other than himself.
"Ha! My head... it's all messed up."
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Joohoon glanced one more time at the Jiwook sleeping next to him, an obnoxious feeling taking over him.
He didn't feel so insecure since his mother's death and it made him weak and nauseous inside. He hated that feeling. To not be able to do anything. Not knowing what to do.
Helplessly watch.
Jiwook regained his self-control literally seconds after he shouted, the younger's face got instantly composed, his breathing back to normal; his eyes lingered a moment on his hands but it turned back to Joohoon slowly, a rather calm expression on his face.
Actually it confused him far more than Jiwook's distressed state. That cold rationality and unnatural calmness he showed, was awfully unsettling.
It was so ... wrong somehow.
Yet it felt familiar.
Joohoon's thoughts were cut but a notification on his phone. Taejoon was there.
He quietly left the room, smoothing the sound of his steps as much as possible.
- Joohoon!
He signed for Taejoon to follow him in silence and brought him to Jiwook.
Taejoon, though shocked at first when he spotted the strange wounds, proceeded to treat it immediately. Something clicked in his mind sizing the possibilities of injuring himself like that and it made his face furrow. When he was done, they both exited the room, Taejoon couldn't hold in anymore.
- Goddess, Joohoon, that's what you need help with? He needs to be seen by an expert. There's nothing I can do to help. I heard it from Joohee, but to think it was to that degree. It's bad Joohoon. You should-
- I know it dammit. I saw it with my own eyes. It got worse this time.
Joohoon was with his back to Taejoon, so the other couldn't see his expression, but even without that, he sensed Joohoon's tension.
- Sigh. They're similar. You think that too, don't you?
Joohoon clenched his jaw, an unpleasing sound of grinding teeth was heard from him.
- Yes and no. He's hundred times more selfish than her and I actually like that.
He wasn't one, but he liked simple, honest and straightforward people, the complete opposite of his mother. Or someone like Jiwook. Even if the younger wanted to hide something he couldn't really. Not from him. It showed everything on his face or through his words and moves. Joohoon could always read him as an open book, catching him right away if he lied. In effect he loved to play that game with him – guess what he's hiding, tease him by shoving the truths, he was desperately covering, right in his face.
It seemed he enjoyed it too much.
- Joohoon... he's unstable. If those wounds were done by him, it's very dangerous. You know how that could end-
BUMP!
Joohoon threw a heated blow on the next thing to him that unfortunately was a wooden closet and though the wood looked very heavy, it cracked as the loud crash shook the entire house.
- It won't happen. I'll take care of that.
Opposite to the loud crash, his voice sounded very quiet, but so menacing, that Taejoon felt his limbs numb, sweat dropping from his temple.
At the same time, in the other room, Jiwook gripped his blanket, his fists trembling from the intensity, his lips as well, as he was biting almost ferociously in it, not caring at all at the stinging pain. Drops of blood rolled down his chin and then the neck, yet his teeth was further piercing hard the swollen flesh.
"Why... Joohoon?
... cause I'm like her?!"