I take a step towards my baby brother and sister and Raya tucks herself against Tora's side, hugging him tightly. Tora hugs her back, eyes flitting from me, to Dad and back again, completely ignoring Kade. Raya is crying softly, so Tora asks the question that I know they're both wanting to ask.
"Is it true? Dad isn't your Dad too?"
I've never heard my little brother sound so vulnerable and I hate that they found out this way because of my temper. I should've realized that it was around the time that they got out of school and I should've waited or taken this conversation to another room.
I'm sorry for the way they found out but I'm not sorry they know. They deserve the truth, I'll never lie to them. Getting down to their level I reach out to them and pull them close, hugging them with everything I have in me. "Yes, it's true." After speaking that sentence my entire body shudders and a tear slips out but I stop any more from coming, I need to be strong for these two in my arms.
"It's true but I will never love you guys any less. No matter what you are my little brother and sister. No matter what I love you both. This doesn't change anything for me okay?" They nod their heads in unison and I drop kisses wherever I can on their faces buried in my chest.
Raya looks up at me, eyes red and puffy, nose running. "Mommy isn't your Mom either?" She asks me forlornly.
That's when it all clicks into place as well. My parents being nervous when they found out Mom was pregnant. The shock. Mom falling sick. Mom was never pregnant before she had the twins, she never gave birth to me. She was never supposed to be able to have kids of her own.
"No hun, Mom isn't my real Mom either." I tell her and watch as she breaks down again. I pet her head, run my hands through her hair, hold both of them close. "Blood related or not I love you both so much. You'll never stop being my brother and sister. Never." I close my eyes and enjoy feeling them so close.
All too soon my siblings pull away, staring at me like they'll never see me again. Then, to my surprise, Tora turns to Dad with a menacing look in his eyes. Well, as menacing as he can to be a 9 year old boy. "You sold Runey?" He asks angrily.
Dad blanches and I'm sure my expression mirrors his. I didn't know they heard all of that. Hell, I'd hoped they didn't ever know that, but again, I won't lie to them. I won't try to make it seem like he doesn't know what he's talking about. But it wouldn't be right of me to let hate and anger fester between the twins with Dad.
"Tora," I call out to him. For the longest while he ignores me, staring at Dad who looks like he wishes he could turn back time. So I call him again, "Tora."
This time he looks at me and in his eyes I see the need to protect. Me and Raya. I tear up all over again. Tora has grown in many more ways than one and did a great job of hiding it from us. Looking at him now I see that deep down, in his soul, he is much older than 9 years old. He has a fighting spirit. "I know what you heard and I know you are angry, but don't hold it against Dad -", his cheeks flare out like he's about to say something so I rush through what I'm trying to say.
"Yes what he did was wrong hun, but in the end he did it so he could take care of you, Raya and Mom. He did it so you guys could grow up the way you deserve and so Mom has a fighting chance. Don't hold it against him. For me, please."
The look of defiance fades from his eyes and he looks at Dad again. He doesn't say anything to him but I can feel him trying to come to terms with what's happening. Raya on the other hand grabs on to me like a little money and refuses to let go.
"No! You can't leave me! You can't! You might be our sister but you're the only Mom I've ever known, you can't leave. Who's going to cook for us and tickle us and play with us? Who's gonna be super grumpy in the morning or pretend to be mad at us when we wake them up or go through their things. Who's bed am I gonna jump in when I get scared of thunderstorms or have a bad dream? Who's gonna give us all the attention and care that you did? You can't go, I won't let anyone take you!"
By the time Raya stops so she can breathe through her cries I'm sobbing. I know I've always sort of felt like their Mom, but I didn't think they'd feel the same way. After all, we're not THAT far apart in age. But I've been their only female caregiver. I stepped up beyond the role of older sibling. I dropped everything for them to become what they needed. A Motherly figure.
I work hard to stop the flow of tears and murmur words of comfort to my siblings. I tell them of how much I love them and how I'll see them soon. I tell them that I'll make sure to come and visit as often as I can. I tell them that soon, Mom will be all better and they'll build the relationship with Mom that they've always deserved. Through it all I could feel Kade's gaze on me but I refuse to acknowledge him. Several times I seen Tora look over and him and size him up, but he decided to take after my lead and pretend Kade doesn't exist.
Soon, I tell the kids I have to go. My emotions are all over the place, nerves raw, brain hectic. Of course I'm met with a little resistance but I swear to them that I'll be back soon. "As a matter of fact, I'll come back tomorrow morning to make you guys breakfast before school, alright?" I try to compromise, ignoring Kade's glare.
"Yay!" Squeals Raya, running around in little circles.
"Thank God." Tora mutters. "I'll never survive if I would've been left to Raya's cooking."
As I hold back a snort of laughter Raya stops what she's doing and punches Tora in the arm. "I can cook!" She screeches at him.
"You cannot."
"Can too!"
"Nope."
I just sit back and watch as they go through their familiar banter with a smile on my face. I shake my head, they'll be like this for the rest of their lives. I can feel it now that Tora will never let Raya live down burning a whole box of waffles. I snicker.
Raya turns her glare on me and puts her hands on her hips. "What are you laughing at?" She asks, trying to put up her bossy and in charge act.
I hold up my hands and put up a mock innocent face. "I have no idea what you're talking about. I didn't say anything."
Raya points at me and waggles her finger. "You-"
"You can't cook." Tora takes the heat off of me, laughing.
Tora takes off running as Raya charges after him and I wince as I hear things falling around the house. "There they go. Destroying things" I think with a laugh. I turn slightly and see my Dad watching me and close off my features, putting up that blank facade.
He offers me a small, guilt leaden smile. When he opens up his mouth to speak I hold my hand up and say. "We'll talk another time. Preferably when the kids are at school. I have to go." Before I turn, my Dad nods.
As I walk towards the door I feel Kade at my back, silently following. Eyes drilling holes into the back of my head.