I had spent the night wondering why Fabian had decided to dump his huge secret on me.I couldn't sleep a wink.My heart crushed for him and I knew that his was crushing too if it hadn't already.He didn't deserve to live with that burden but hey!Bad things happen to good people all the time.
So much for a fair world.
I had a terrible headache,either from too much alcohol consumption from the previous night,the lack of sleep or the drug withdrawals.I had just taken an opiod before I went to bed but it looked like the pills were not working well anymore.I was becoming tolerant and that was scary. My whole body was aching again and I cursed the day I started using drugs.At that moment,it was the biggest regret of my life.
The alarm next to my bed went off as I was buried in my train of thought.Six o'clock and I had a job to get to.I regretted that too,taking up that job at the winery.I had to keep doing it though,I wasn't going to give Carlos any bonus points over me.There,I viewed him as competition yet I wasn't supposed to.I couldn't help it.Carlos was likeable,workaholic and he had this aura around him that made everything look so calm,easy and enjoyable.He was nice to talk to.He was handsome.Too handsome to not be noticed and I bet he turned heads wherever he went.He was his father's son.I couldn't compete with that but it was nice to try.
"I swear if I think of that guy one more time..."I trailed off in my head. I rose out of bed and walked to the dressing table to stare at myself for a while.I looked sleepy,eyes were swollen,I was drained of energy.I hated the person that I was staring at in the mirror.I tried to grab the glass on the dressing table but I was shaking.That made me tears escape from my eyes.What had I done to myself?I was ruining myself with those drugs but I didn't know how to stop.
A knock at my door.That had to be my nanny.She was definitely about to scold me for quite the show I had put up the previous night."Come in,the door's unlocked,"I said. "Hey,I brought you coffee.Figured you'll need it after yesterday,"came a masculine voice.Carlos. I turned to look at him and he was dressed in black and white.He was staring at me."Your bathrobe,"he stated and I realized that I hadn't tied up my bathroom."Sorry,I thought it was my nanny.No one else comes here nowadays,"I explained as I tied it up.
"How are you feeling?I take it the date didn't go well,"he spoke as he moved closer to me still gazing into my eyes.I would die from that gaze. "I can't talk about it.Yeah,it was awful,"I said. "Was it a date?"He inquired further.I shook my head."We can't have that even if I wanted to.It sucks,"I said. "Sorry,"he said. "Don't be.I'm a big girl,I can handle it,"I said that and he raised an eyebrow. "I know,I know.I'm quite messed up,my emotions are all over the place.Dude I don't even remember the last time I was actually happy,"I said and tears rolled down my eyes.Carlos held my hand in a bid to comfort me."You're shaking,"he said. I nodded."It's the drugs.I'm having withdrawals,"I said. "Why do you do this to yourself?"He asked. "To cope with my emotions I guess,"I said. "You should not do that.Allow yourself to feel every emotional.Don't put your emotions off.It may becoming overwhelming someday and you won't be able to hold them back,"he said. "Trust me,if I allowed myself to feel every emotion,I would have burned this house to the ground,"I said. "Then let it burn.Just don't burn with it,"he said. "Please seek help.I don't want you to end up in a rehab.It's not too late Eva,"he said. "You care a lot about me and that's scary,"I said. "Good things are scary,"I added. "That kiss yesterday,is it a good thing?"He asked.
"Please Carl,I don't want to talk about it,"I said. "There you go again.Putting things off then getting high to forget them?That's crazy Eva!"I noticed the change of tone in his voice. "Please,don't do this.We'll have that conversation when we need to.I just want to sleep right now.I haven't slept at all,"I said to him in my most manipulative tone to get him to stop talking about our kiss.
"Can I skip work today?"I asked him. "I hate being your boss,"he said and hugged me so tightly.
"Trust me I hate it more,"I whispered.I meant that.
"Get some sleep,"he said as he broke off from the hug.I needed to sleep but I didn't know how to make myself fall asleep.
I called my nanny who I knew was mad at me."What is it this time?"She asked at the other end of the line. . "I can't fall asleep.I hardly slept at night,"I said.She hang up and showed up minutes later in my room.
"You know I won't be here to take care of you,clean up your mess and keep your secrets forever kiddo,"she said as she shut the door behind her. "I know,"I said as I threw my hands around her. "Uh-oh!You haven't even brushed your teeth,look at your hair,"she said and quickly pushed me away,with lots of love of course.
"What happened with Fabian?"She asked.I dreaded that question.I wanted to tell her the truth because I had never kept anything from her. "Where do I start?"I thought out loud. . "Faby killed his mother,"I blurted out. "Literally or metaphorically?"She asked,not buying what I had just told her. "Literally,"I said."It was an accident,"I added,not that it made it sound any better.
"Holy shit.That's deep,"she said and I nodded. "That does not make him a murderer does it?"I asked. "Define murderer,"she said. "Right,"I said and fell back in my bed.
***
I got my so much needed seven hours of sleep.The headache was gone and I felt so much better.I took a shower,dressed up and looked for my nanny in the garden.
"Where are you off to?"She asked. "Tell me I look nice without telling me I look nice!"I almost screamed in excitement."Confession time,"I said sounding sad. "Oh!You are doing it?"She asked.I nodded. "Xavi is going to hate me,"I said. "He won't.It's dad,Eva.Don't call him Xavi,"she reminded me."Right,"I agreed,with a forced smile. "I want to start therapy.Can you help me find a doctor to help with that?I don't want to end up in rehab,"I said.
"That's the best thing I've heard you say today.I'm so proud of you right now,"she said and hugged me."Lets get you a therapist,"she whispered. "I'm out,"I said and broke away from that tight hug. I was on my way to tell my dad that I was into drugs.I didn't know how that was going to go but I didn't really care, so,congrats Carlos!More bonus points for being the perfect child.
"Hey,is my dad free?"I asked his secretary once I got to the winery. "Yeah,but he's got a meeting in ten,"she said.I smiled to mean thank you and proceeded to his office knowing that I was about to ruin his mood for the meeting. "Hey,"he said to me as soon as he saw me. "Hey,I hope I'm not interrupting,"I said and noticed just how fast my heart was beating.I was scared!
I invited myself to across his desk. "Of course not,"he said and rose from his seat and joined me on the other side.He sat on the desk to make the conversation less formal."I wanted to talk to you,"I said.
"Thought we were gonna start with an apology for coming home late last night...drunk,"he said. "I was getting there,"I said defensively.Apologizing for that wasn't even in my plans. "I'm sorry I ducked in,"he said.God!Last time I checked,parents never apologized.What was up with Xavi?He had been doing lots of that lately. "It's okay.I'm sorry,I'm sorry I made you worry,"I said. "Don't do that to me again,"he said with a smile and I nodded.
"I don't know how to be a father to you,"he said. "Teenager,you know,"he added. "There's no formula of being a father.I know I'm a teen but adult sounds better,"I said. He was silent for a while,as if he something was wrong with him.
"Are you okay,dad?"I asked.He didn't respond but the blood coming out of his nose sure did. "You are bleeding,are you okay?"I asked again. "Dad,please say something,"I was getting scared. "Get Carlos,"he said as he tried to pinch his nose. He looked like he was in some kind of pain.I could tell from his facial expressions.Only if he could talk to me.
"Get Carlos,please,"he insisted and I nodded.I called Carlos right away. "Dad is not okay.He needs you in his office right now,"I said as soon as he picked up. "Dad,you are bleeding again.You need a doctor,"Carlos said as soon as he went through the door.
"Again?What do you mean again?"I asked. "Son,I need you to step in for me in the meeting.It's about to start,"dad changed the topic. "Are you kidding me?You need a doctor and all you are thinking about is the meeting?"Carlos was pissed. "It's important to me that you are there,please,"Xavi pleaded.
"Fine,I'll go as soon as the doctor gets here,"Carlos assured him.Those two were speaking some kind of language that I wasn't comprehending.People needed doctors for nose bleeds? Carlos called the family's personal doctor and I figured it wasn't just nose bleeds.It was something big.The bleeding was just a symptom.
"He's sending an ambulance,"Carlos said and I felt the atmosphere just become so tense. "Can someone explain what's going on?"I spoke up. "Dad,you should tell her.She deserves to know,"Carlos said. "Tell me what?"The were scaring me.My heart was racing.
There was a pronounced silence as I waited on someone,anyone to say something to allay my anxiety."Someone say something or this silence is going to kill me,"I said desperately.
"Baby girl,I was diagnosed with Polycythemia two years ago,"Xavi spoke up,finally!
"What on earth is polycythemia?"I asked. "Come here,give me a hug,"Carlos pulled me in for a tight embrace.We had been hugging a lot lately.
"It's a blood cancer,"he dropped the bomb shell and I felt the earth cave in beneath me.