I felt like several arrows had been aimed at my chest,all managing to puncture my ribcage.I didn't have the strength to pull them out yet I had to.How was I supposed to deal with so many emotions at the same time?I hadn't even had time to process all the recent events in my life.
"Is it okay that I'm so mad that he kept this from me?"I asked Carlos who was seated next to me at the waiting lounge in the hospital. "Whatever you are feeling,don't block it off,"he said. "I hate having to feel things.I really hate it!It's during times like this that I could use a cigar or two,"I said.He was silent,just listening to all my venting.
"I was actually about to tell him my biggest secret and just get it off my chest.Turns out he had a secret of his own.When do they end?The secrets?And you know what everyone uses as an excuse?They are trying to protect me!Like hell I need protecting!"I went on and on. "I'm sorry.I just feel what I feel,"I said after a while.I was just bothering him with all my venting and ranting.
"Don't ever apologize for how you feel,"he said to me and I fell back in my seat,arms across my chest. "When did you learn about him?Dad?"I changed the subject. "When I was seventeen,"he said. "I was so mad at my mum for not letting me meet my father.All those years?He missed out on my childhood and that stung,"he said. "I was an angry child growing up.I had a step father but he was a fucking nightmare,"he opened up. "Wow,I can't believe I'm having a heart to heart conversation with you,"he added and we laughed.
"Me neither.It's good,right?"I spoke and he turned to look into my eyes with his gaze that always made my heart drop."It is good.I like it,"he said and I nodded.
"Got any secrets of your own Gomez?"I asked him. "I mean,everyone has a secret and you already know mine,"I added. "Trust me,you don't wanna know.I've lived a dangerous life.I'm not proud of it,"he said. "You'll know some day,"he said and it sounded more like a promise.Suddenly,the doctor walked towards us.
"How is dad?"I asked him almost immediately. "He'll be fine but he should spend the night here.His treatment isn't working.We need to switch it up a little bit,"he said."What does that mean?"Carlos asked,the terror in his voice so evident. "We are starting him on stronger drugs and a phlebotomy every two weeks.The prognosis is not so good at the moment,"he explained. "He's going to be fine,right?"I asked.
"He's a fighter.He's asking for you by the way,"the doctor said to me.Carlos gave me a go ahead look.I nodded and headed to the private wing where dad was. "Hey,"he said to me as I walked into the ward. "Hey,"I said."You are not allowed to me be sad,"he said. "I can't help it,"I said as I sat next to him on the bed. "I'm scared,"I said to him."That makes the two of us,"he said. We hugged for a while and I let myself feel all the pain that there was to feel. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you.I was scared of seeing you crush like this,"Xavi whispered. "Trust me,everyone has secrets,"I seemed to have made peace with that fact. "Get better,okay?I still need my dad,"I said and smiled amidst the tears. "I'm seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow,"I found myself saying.I didn't even know if it was the right time to tell him what was going on with me.I felt like it was right to tell him at that moment. "Psychiatrist?Why?"He asked. "I have a drug problem dad,"I finally got it off my chest.He broke off from our embrace. "My baby girl has a drug problem?"He asked and I nodded.He was silent for a whole five minutes as if trying to figure out whether I was lying or telling the truth.
"Dad,please say something,"I begged him because the silence was killing me. "How long have you been using?"He asked. "Three years.On and off,"I said and he shook his head in disbelief. "All this time and I didn't even notice?Who sells to you?"He asked.
"Seriously?You just found out I have a drug problem and the first question you ask is who sells to me?How about why did you start using drugs?"I said to him.
"You know what dad?You should have noticed that I was into drugs.If you'd have looked at me even for one minute you could have seen it.I'm sorry I'm not the perfect daughter,"I said and left his ward.I didn't care what he felt or what he thought.No more secrets.I felt so free.