When Wam walked out the front door, I felt like a part of me had left. It was like all the emotions I'd felt the last couple days had come to a head. I broke down into tears and curled up on the couch in the fetal position. I wasn't this woman. This needy woman that needed a man to feel whole. I'm an independent, hard working, strong woman that doesn't need anyone. If spending time with Wam was going to make me weak, then maybe I needed to back off. I could not afford to be weak.
I'm not sure how long I laid there on the couch, but when I looked up, I saw Sammy sitting in front of me, watching me. She said, "rooowww," and rubbed against my hand that was hanging over the edge of the couch. I laid there and stroked Sammy's fur and scratched under her chin before I finally got up and went into the bathroom to get dressed. I think I could easily become as attached to Sammy as I am to Wam. The thought made me smile.
Once I was dressed and had all my belongings packed up, I wrote a short note and left it on the kitchen counter:
'Wam, thank you for having me. I enjoyed our time together and look forward to seeing you on Friday.
Sincerely,
Lee
P.S. I gave Sammy some treats before I left.'
The drive back to Rochester felt like it took forever. Using the speakerphone function on my phone, I called Mark the Social Worker from the hospital to ask about Kedron. Mark said, "I'm sorry Kynlee, but your brother has forbid us from talking to anyone about his care. Now that he is conscious and able to make his own decisions, we have to follow his wishes."
"So where does that leave me Mark? I'm his only relative, only support person. Yet, he kicked me out yesterday. I don't remember verbatim, but he said something along the lines of not being my responsibility and he wants me to go live my life and let him die. Does that sound like a sane thing to say?"
Mark sighed into the phone before clearing his throat. "I honestly do not think we can prove Kedron unfit, and it would only cause a larger rift between the two of you. I haven't held this position very long, but I've seen many seriously ill or injured individuals push their lives ones away. It seems they think they are sparing you from the pain and frustration of having to help them."
"How can they think that," I exclaimed. "Pushing me away only hurts me more. We're twins Mark. We have a strong connection, and I'm not going away." I took a couple deep breaths before questioning, "so then what is the best course of action I can take to make him accept my help and stop pushing me away?"
"That is the million dollar question Ms. Knutson. Im afraid the answer is different for every individual. My best advice is that if you can, continue to visit him as much as possible. That being said, when he pushes you away, give him space until the next visit." I could hear movement on the other end of the line and then a squeak, probably from a chair before Mark spoke again, "you're brother is probably scared about the future, frustrated, and feeling a lack of control. Ordering healthcare
professionals not to speak of him and kicking you out, likely gives him some semblance of control over his situation. Kedron cannot control his body anymore, so he will take the control where he can get it. It's a very common reaction to these types of situations."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better Mark?" I ask with a bit of snark in my voice.
Mark actually laughs in response. "I doubt it'll make you feel better, but at least you know it's not abnormal and you are not alone."
I ran my hand over my hair, now back in my usual ponytail. "So I should continue to visit and let him kick me out?"
"That is my best advice, but the decision is yours Ms. Knutson," he says matter of factly.
"Please Mark, call me Kynlee. Thank you for listening and your advice. Maybe I'll see you later when I stop in. Goodbye Mark."
"Oh, Kynlee?" He says in a rush.
"Yes?"
"The grant money should be in your account tomorrow. Please let me know if there are issues," Mark offered.
"Thanks again Mark. If I don't see you, have a good day." I pushed the red 'end call' button and took a deep breath. My finances were running out, so the grant was a relief. Until I was told I qualified for the grant, I was unsure how I would survive. I didn't like that the money came from Wam, but if I had my way, I'd find a way to pay him back.
As I pulled into my usual parking spot at the hospital, no other than Dr. Kelly Adams was getting in her car. Upon seeing me parking Wam's car, she shut her door and walked in my direction. I had just enough time to take a deep breath while grabbing my purse and keys before she started in.
"Ms. Knutson..." I heard the click, click, click of her high heels as I stood there waiting for her to spew her anger at me. Or maybe it was jealousy? "I thought we talked about you parking here in the VIP area?"
I did my best to put a smile on my face as I listened before replying, "yes mam, we did."
"I am a physician in the top hospital in the nation. The least you can do is afford me the courtesy of using my proper title," Dr. Kelly Adams sneered at me. She wasn't even attempting to hide her authentic feelings today.
"Sorry. Of course Dr. Adams," I answered. "After we spoke, I spoke to Wam who said I should park here since I have the sticker to allow it. He says it's safer for me and his car."
I saw a muscle tick in Dr. Adam's' jaw at my answer. This woman clearly did not like me. It's almost too bad I hadn't done something worthy of her venom and disgust. In fact, I've tried to be nothing but respectful. "Well I asked you not to park here since it's reserved for VIP's. You are definitely not a VIP," she laughed.
I gritted my teeth and forced myself to take two calming breaths before I said something I'd regret. The woman, not the physician, was definitely trying to get a response from me. Unfortunately for her, she is nothing compared to the way Kedron used to goad me. "I'm simply following instructions from a board member, Dr. Adams. So if you have an issue with it, please take it up with Dr. Teton. Good day Dr. Adams," I said with a tight smile and walked into the hospital.
In the elevator I pushed the button for the correct floor. Immediately upon the closing of the doors, I drew in a huge breath of air like I hadn't had air in minutes. What the hell was I going to do about this woman? She was not only Kedron's doctor, but seemed very interested in Wam and did not like me hanging around him.
By the time I reached the ICU, my breathing was back to normal, but my heart rate was still accelerated, wondering how Kedron would respond to my arrival. I knocked, put a big smile on my face, and entered Kedron's room like I belonged there. Nearing the bed, I greeted him, "good morning K."
Kedron's eyes snapped over to my face and he scowled. "Kynlee, what are you doing here," he sneered.
"I came to see my twin brother that I love more than anything else in the world," I exclaimed with all the positivity I could muster.
"I love you too, but I thought I told you to stay away?"
"I did..yesterday," I say with a smile. "Come on Kedron. You're my brother. Do you really think I could stay away for long?" Kedron's scowl began to soften, but remained serious. "So what's on the agenda for today?"
"Well, I was discussing rehabilitation facilities with Dr. Adams this morning. She figures I'll be there two to three months. Then I either have to have long term placement or have round the clock care."
"I'm staying with a friend right now, but we can certainly get an apartment again once you're ready. You don't need to look at long term placement," I offered.
"Kynlee..." Kedron sighed before continuing, "you don't seem to understand what my life is going to look like after this. You can't take care of me by yourself. You don't know how. Besides, you have your own life to live. I'd never ask you to give up your life for your cripple of a brother. No, absolutely not!" Kedron looked away from me, but I could see his teeth clenched and a muscle near his temple was moving.
"Kedron, you're my twin brother. It's always been us against the world. This is no different," I tried to cajole him into accepting my help.
He turned his head back to glare into my eyes as he answered, "but it is different. Taking care of me will be harder than taking care of a child. With the nursing shortage, there is no guarantee there will be nurses to help if I go home. I cannot ask you to be a full time back up." Kedron took a few breaths before his eyes became wet and he looked like he was fighting to hold back emotions, "I want you to live your life and be happy. I refuse to have you tied down with me. My life may be over, but you still have a full life left to live."
Sadness overwhelmed me as Kedron talked about how he now thought of himself as a burden and he didn't want to tie me down. Finally I asked quietly, "so do I not get a vote in this situation? We are family Kedron. Family sticks together. Remember Ohana?"
"Lilo and Stitch are characters on a show Kynlee," he scoffed.
"Ohana means no one gets left behind. You and I K, are twins. We stay together and we support each other. How about you do your inpatient therapy and we will continue to discuss it?"
"Okay, but I don't want to talk about it again soon. Let's focus on therapy for now. Deal," Kedron asked.
"Deal," I agreed. I stayed a couple more hours and then I headed home to unpack some more and come up with a plan for the next few months. If Kedron was moving to a rehabilitation facility, then I should consider getting a job and saving money to get us our own place. Accessible housing was likely not going to be cheap.