Oh my gosh.. Wam told me Kedron likely won't be able to hold his head up without surgery unless he wears the halo brace constantly. Then he tells me Kedron has the right to refuse the surgery. He could die!
How do I get through to Kedron? Oh my gosh...
The tears start to run down my face. I set my phone on the bed, and must have fallen asleep.
I woke up on Friday morning before the sun was up and couldn't get back to sleep. I took advantage and I started some laundry, took a shower, and enjoyed a cup of coffee out on the sun porch of the cabin. Sunrises this time of year are so beautiful but chilly. If only my mood matched the gorgeous sky. My mood is akin to cloudy skies and thunderstorms. Of course as we near Halloween in Minnesota, it could be rain, ice, or snow. One never knows what Mother Nature will throw at us.
As it neared 6am, I switched the laundry to the dryer and sent a text to Wam.
Kynlee: I'm sorry I didn't answer you last night. I fell asleep after I read your message.
Dr. Wam Teton: Are you okay?
Kynlee: Honestly, I'm not sure. I'm heading to the hospital now. I'll see you tonight?
Dr. Wam Teton: I'm planning to be there by 6 or 7. The earlier the better. If you want me to talk to Kedron, I will, but I'll leave it up to you.
Kynlee: We can talk tonight. Have a good day Wam.
Dr. Wam Teton: You too beautiful.
The fact Wam was coming tonight and he called me beautiful again, made me smile. I guess I needed to figure out what I was going to make for supper. With Wam here, I should cook, not just grab whatever. I guess I'll search recipes when I'm visiting Kedron. I jumped in the car and drove to the hospital. I didn't have to continue driving his car, but a compact car was much easier to park than a full size pickup in a parking garage, so I used the car. I guess I also thought of the truck as Kedron's.
I parked in the VIP section because that's where Wam told me to park, but I couldn't help but look around to make sure Dr. Adams was nowhere to be seen. I hurried out of my car and into the hospital, en route to Kedron's room. When I arrived, Nurse Thomas was just receiving report from Nurse Yin. I waved as I walked in and sat next to Kedron. His eyes were closed but opened abruptly when Yin laughed at something Thomas had said.
I stood so Kedron could see me. "Hi Kedron," I greeted with a weak smile, "how'd you sleep?"
"Not worth shit," he replied.
Great, he was in a wonderful mood this morning. I sat down and waited to talk until Nurse Yin left, but Kedron beat me to it. "What are you doing here so early?"
"I woke before the sun came up so figured I'd come visit before things got busy. Is that okay?" I asked nervously. With the mood he was in, this could go either way. I felt my eyes start to sting and looked up at the ceiling to prevent the tears from falling. Happy thoughts only ...
"Dr. Adams hasn't even been here yet. Visiting hours don't start until what? 8 or 9? So technically you shouldn't be here until then right?" He asked in a monotone voice.
I was unsure how to answer. Did I admit I wanted to be here for rounds? Or did I just act like there is no place I'd rather be? Why did this have to be so hard? "Is that want you want K, for me to come later?"
"I just know Dr. Adams mentioned she wanted me to get more sleep, but that's hard to do when you beat the sun almost every morning," Kedron said with a bit of an attitude.
"I'm sorry. I just want to be here for you," I say in a quiet voice.
"I appreciate it Kynlee, but you need to live your life too. You should be out working, dating, and having fun. Just because my life is over doesn't mean yours is," he answered.
"Kedron, please don't say that. Your life is far from over," I scolded.
"Easy for you to say. I need a catheter to pee. I defecate in a damn diaper. Hell, I haven't even had morning wood since I got here. I'm guessing that means any chance at a normal sex life is gone. So excuse me if I don't jump for joy at the prospect of continuing to live like this," he exclaimed. With each sentence he became louder and angrier, and I wasn't sure what to say or do to make it better. I just sat there digesting everything he said until finally I couldn't sit there any longer.
"I'm going to grab a coffee," I said in a shaky voice. "Is there anything I can get for you?"
"Yeah," he said and paused. I waited to hear what it was he wanted, as I stood by the bedside. Yesterday it was gum, so who knows today. As I watched, Kedron gritted his teeth and finally said, "you can bring me back a new body. Preferably one that can walk."
"If it was possible Kedron, I would," I answered and left the room. As soon as I reached the hallway, the tears started running down my cheeks. I put my hand over my mouth to stifle the sobs that were threatening to come from my throat. I began to walk and found myself in the chapel, resting on a kneeler with my hands folded on the pew in front of me.
I began to pray for strength, wisdom, and some kind of miracle to help Kedron get through this experience. Oh how I wish Mom and Dad were still alive. I could certainly use some guidance and support. I love Kedron, but why did he have to be so mean at times?
I heard the chapel door open and close and in walked a woman. I didn't look up, but knew it was a woman because I could smell her perfume. It smelled familiar but I couldn't quite place it. Finally I looked up and saw Jane, my mom's old friend. She saw me and gave a weak smile. "Hello Kynlee. Fancy meeting you here," she said with a shaky voice.
I sat back on the pew and continued to meet her gaze. "Jane, are you okay? Is something wrong with your dad?"
Jane shook her head and her eyes began to shine as she answered, "no, my dad is in rehabilitation now. I'm here because we received news last night that Marve has lung cancer. Initially it was diagnosed as pneumonia, they put him in the hospital for treatment, but with further testing, they diagnosed it as advanced carcinoma. His outlook isn't good."
I stood, closed the distance between us, and wrapped my arms around Jane. She melted into the embrace and hugged me back. "I'm so sorry Jane. Care to pray with me? Or I can leave if you'd prefer?"
"No Kynlee, don't leave on my account. The chapel is big enough for both of us," she said with a small smile.
I released Jane and returned to my pew. Jane followed me in and we both kneeled down, side by side, on the kneeler I was using prior to her entrance. "I'll pray for Marve as well."
"Thank you Kynlee, that means a lot to me," Jane said with her head down. I grabbed her hand, and together we kneeled and prayed to God for wisdom, strength, and patience. I also asked for a little bit of persuasive power.
By the time I regained my composure, bought a large coffee, and returned to Kedron's room, visiting hours had officially started. Kedron seemed like he had also calmed down. Sadly, I was unsure what to say that wouldn't set him off like this morning. Suddenly Kedron said, "my insurance was approved and I'm set to be transferred to the rehabilitation facility tonight. I'm blowing this pop stand Kynlee. Isn't that great?" Kedron asked excitedly.
"Tonight? What about the surgery K?" I ask quietly before I could stop myself.
"We discussed this Kynlee. I don't feel the benefits outweigh the risks, and it would delay my transfer. So I've decided not to do the surgery for now."
"How can you make that choice? The surgery will give you a chance of not always needing the halo brace. Surgery may give you the ability to hold your head up and move some, compared to the fixed position in the halo. How can we not do the surgery?" I asked in a higher pitched voice than I'd usually use. How could he do this?
"We? It's not a 'we' Kynlee. It's my decision and this is what I'm doing. If I change my mind, I have a certain amount of time to get the surgery. Time will tell, but for now, I just want out of the hospital and out of this damn bed!"
I heard his frustration at the situation, but he sure wasn't hearing mine. I just want what's best for him. Unfortunately, Kedron and I seem to have different ideas of what's best.
I got the facility information from Nurse Thomas after Kedron okayed it, and I left for the day. In the car, I looked up a recipe for fry bread tacos, one of Wam's favorites, and made a stop for groceries. Once home, I set my alarm for four thirty and laid down for a nap. The stress of the day plum wore me out!
I was hoping a nap and then cooking supper would refresh me and make me more lively for Wam's visit. Within minutes of laying down, I was asleep.