I cannot believe I sent a kiss emoji to Wam last night when we texted. What was I thinking? I shook my head as I stepped off the elevator and down the hall to Kedron's hospital room. I knocked and announced myself, "good morning K. How'd ya..."
I trailed off because Dr. Adams was in the room by the kiosk the nurses usually use. "Dr. Adams," I said and gave a short nod.
"Ms. Knutson," she managed to keep her voice even, but scowled. Kedron couldn't see her nor I, and didn't seem to sense the tension. She walked from the computer to Kedron's bedside and told him, "I'll stop back later to let you know of the arrangements." Kedron smiled a response as Dr. Kelly Adams in her white coat, high heels, and perfect chignon walked out the door with her chin in the air and her shoulders back.
I'd have liked nothing more in that moment than to punch her. Luckily for all concerned, I'm not a violent person, because she was about on my last nerve. I couldn't help but think of the episode on "Little House On The Prairie," when Laura Ingalls punches Nellie Olson and says, "don't stick your nose up in the air at me Nellie Olson!" If only I could knock Dr. Adams down a few pegs like Laura did to Nellie.
I cleared my throat to prevent from laughing at the memory and having to explain to Kedron. "So, I was asking how you slept?"
Kedron's eyes met mine, "okay I guess. How was your night?"
I smiled at the effort he was putting in to talk to me. "It was okay thank you. So what arrangements are you making?"
Kedron sighed, "you heard that huh? Of course you did...Dr. Adams is working on getting me into a local, long term rehabilitation program. Hopefully by the end of this week, I can blow this pop stand," he said with a straight face.
I laughed at the joke even though the delivery was miserable. "What does this mean for the surgery they recommended?"
"I don't need the surgery. That's what rehabilitation is for," he claimed nonchalantly.
Nurse Yin walked in, "oh, good morning Kynlee. Sorry it took me longer than expected Kedron," she said in a sincere voice.
I had to try to get my point across before I could drop this. Kedron's life could depend on it...literally. "When you were unconscious, they said your cervical spine was too unstable not to do fusion surgery or replace the atlas and axis with artificial ones. They discussed using a 3-D printer. Sounded cool," I smiled to try to soften the blow.
"This is precisely why I don't want anyone knowing my business, and why I kicked you out this week. My life, my quality of life is at stake here, not yours! So stop trying to make this your choice. I told you to leave me and go live your life," he proclaimed.
I was a little taken aback, but I've never shied away from Kedron before, and I'm not about to start now. "So how are you going to prevent further damage to your spinal cord and brain stem? Please Kedron, do the surgery," I begged but doubted it would help. A girl had to try right?
Kedron sighed then made a growling sound in his throat as he closed his eyes. His breath rate was accelerated, but I wasn't sure if he was frustrated, angry, or some other emotion I couldn't name. I remained silent and just watched as Kedron tried to calm his breathing and continued to lay on the hospital bed, the head of the bed in semi Fowler's position, with his eyes closed and teeth clenched.
I stroked his dark brown hair from his forehead with my fingers and rested my palm against his cheek as I decided what if anything to say. My fear won out as I pleaded with Kedron quietly, "I'm sorry if I seem pushy Kedron. It is your decision. I just love you so much and cannot imagine my world without you in it."
Kedron's eyes opened and he met my tearful gaze. When he realized how emotional I was, his facial features softened, "I'm sorry too. I'm just so frustrated with this whole situation. I don't want to live like this Kynlee. I'm sorry..." His voice faded as tears began to run from his eyes, down his cheeks, and dropped from his chin to his hospital gown. Gritting his teeth again, he said in a shaky, airy tone, "I can't even wipe the damn tears from my face." The tears turned into body shaking sobs. A low keening sound with occasional small gasps of air, was all that I could hear in the stark white hospital room.
It about tore my heart out to see my big, strong, brother in a state of emotional meltdown.
I was unsure how to help him. Maybe he was right and I wasn't equipped to deal with his condition? One thing was for sure though, I would not leave him to deal with this alone as long as I was alive. I would be there to support him in whatever way he needed.
Silent tears ran down my face as I stroked Kedron's hair, wiped his face with a facial tissue, and sat with him as he cried. He was no doubt contemplating his uncertain future. Making decisions is hard with all the facts, but with so many unknowns, it was that much harder. We were twins, kindred souls, and I could only imagine how hard this situation had to be for my hardworking, normally independent brother.
"No matter what happens K, you do not have to go through this alone. You are free to make your own decisions, but know that whatever you decide affects those who love you too." I cleared my suddenly dry throat, wiped my cheeks, and decided a walk might do me good, and allow Kedron time to compose himself. "I'm going to grab a coffee, but I'll be back. Anything I can bring you?"
"I haven't had a stick of gum in over two weeks. Could you please see if they have sugar free gum? Might freshen my mouth a bit," he said. Kedron loved to chew gum while he worked, so it probably was odd going so long without.
I smiled, nodded, and answered, "I'll see what I can do." I kissed his cheek before saying, "I'll be back shortly," and headed out the door. All I could do was hope Wam was right and the counseling at the rehabilitation center was an integral part of the program.
The walk and coffee allowed me to calm myself and regain control over my emotions. I was supposed to try to exude positive vibes only in his room, so.. that's what I'd do! I could be Miss happy-go-lucky, even if I had to fake it. For now, I needed to reach out to Wam and make sure it was safe for Kedron to forgo surgery for placement in rehab. I sent a text and would await his reply.
Kynlee: Hope your day is going well. When I arrived at the hospital today, Dr. Adams and Kedron were discussing placement in a rehabilitation facility instead of surgery. Is this safe?
After a quick walk around the hospital to the cafeteria, I was in a better frame of mind. My emotions back in control, I returned to Kedron's room with a large, black coffee for me, and a value pack or sugar free mint gum for Kedron. Seeing the pack of gum earned me a smile. The rest of the morning was uneventful, but I didn't push Kedron about his decisions anymore either. When the news came on at noon, I took my leave for the day and returned to the cabin with a newspaper in hand. I was looking for possible job leads to apply for as soon as Kedron was transferred.
Life may never be the same, but together we could make a new normal. The question is, where does that leave me with Wam? It felt like there were so many questions and so little time to make life altering decisions.