That was the sign: it was time for the testing. This was as good a time as any: Dawn could use some time alone, and getting the test off my mind would help me, too.
I turned to Dawn and asked. "Would you be okay alone?"
Dawn nodded and added, "If there's a situation where I happen to need some assistance, I'll just push the call button, and Catherine will come for me."
"Yes, I have that arranged for you already." Dr Jones added which helped me with my small anxiety about leaving her alone without aid.
So I nodded, waved goodbye to Dawn and followed Dr Jones out of the room.
Outside with the door firmly shut, I turned to face her and asked, "So, how come you've taken charge of this chore?"
"Did Michael say it's a chore?" — I nodded. — "To me, it's a break and a chit-chat moment with you. That's far from a chore and the reason I took over this position."
We walked somewhere so I asked her where we were going.
"Somewhere where we can talk in peace," was all she said, so that still left me in the dark.
We ended up inside a resting area that happened to be empty. "It's a place where I come to rest and clear my mind a bit. Everyone has a personal corner, but mine just happened to be this room. There is a rumour people have seen ghosts here, so no one comes inside."
She casually dropped into a comfy sofa, leaving me with no chair to sit on. "Find a place yourself, plus a chair. There are lots in here, just hidden so that it doesn't look like a chair. Not something I intended, but after cleaning this place of extra chairs, I found them in their places."
After a few minutes of searching, I found a fold-up chair shoved into a corner. When I pulled it out, Dr Jones laughed out loud.
Having no idea what's the funny part, I looked at her in question and she answered. "That was the only chair I shoved into a corner. It was the only one without its spot but I didn't expect you to find that."
I looked at the chair with a different view. "Maybe because it's like me," I answered, my voice sounding a bit sad to my ears. The chair without a space of its own reminds me of my situation. I was here for Dawn, but I'm not a nurse or someone in training to become a nurse or a doctor. I've just joined this hospital for Dawn, which I of course do not regret but there are some times when I can't help but feel like an interloper.
Dr Jones looked at me with a sad face, definitely feeling sorry for me. "Well, shouldn't you begin the testing?" I asked, trying to change the atmosphere.
She shook her head and said, "I know you know all the things I'll be testing you. I don't have to test you to know that. Hearing you talk with Catherine was enough for me to know your level of knowledge. I'll tell your uncle about my evaluation and you can just pretend to study for it for a while. Today I wanted you to come because of your talk with Dawn."
"Before you say anything, I have to tell you something. It didn't end in the way I'd told you. I talked with her a bit during our small outing. She made me a compromise: she'll tell someone other than me for now and try to tell me in the future."
"That's a good start; things may get better during the stay here. Dawn may give in to the pain and tell you. Usually, when my patients move into the hospice, they're in a lot of pain and tell their caretakers because they can't stand it."
"Then I'll have to wait until then?"
"You've got more time, and you two are friends and even dating now! I think you've got some potential for it to work quicker."
"Or dawn may get sick much more quickly than anyone would have thought." I retorted sarcastically.
Dr Jones faced me with a horrified expression and said, "Please don't say things like that! Every word has power, did you forget that!"
"Oh." I understood the reason behind her freak-out. That would lead to more work for her and less time for me. "I take that back. Wait, can I do that?"
"Who knows? But I think it's safer to say that just in case."
I started to worry, hoping that thoughtless comment didn't worsen Dawn's state.
We talked mostly about the basics I need to know while taking care of Dawn at the hospice. She was decently shocked that I knew a lot of the things she talked to me about, as I finished her sentences quite often.
"That's enough for now, I think. I'll tell you some more when we meet again next time. Is there anything you especially want to know?"
I could only think of one thing: "How do I move on?"
Dr Jones looked confused. She didn't seem to understand what I was talking about, so I guess I needed to specify it a bit.
"After she… Dies. How do I move on? When can I be fine?"
Dr Jones looked at me with what looked like sadness. "Lucas…"
"Luke." I blurted out. "Call me Luke."
Dr Jones looked at me a bit strangely but she nodded. "Alright, Luke… I can't give you advice on this. That's something you'll have to go through and I've never gone through it to give you advice or share any experiences."
My face must have said disappointment. Dr Jones said, "I'm sorry this is all I can tell you. Maybe you could ask Catherine? She's been through it a bit. Her grandmother on her father's side and grandfather on her mother's side have all been victims of different cancers. But her evaluation may be a bit different since she had expected their deaths and they weren't as close as you are now."
At that, I almost broke down. My grandparents had all been victims of cancers and certain diseases, and they may have had a better ending if it had been found much more quickly. That was how I first dreamt of becoming a doctor. I didn't want anyone else to feel that same guilt as I did.
"I don't know if I can stand it this time," I whispered, speaking out my real feelings for what felt like ages. "It took me years to get better from my parents…"
"Does Dawn know this?"
I shook my head and said, "No one knows. Except for my family, that is. By the time I met Dawn, I had recovered mostly so that I wouldn't randomly break down."
"But Dawn…"
"It's a bit different with her; it doesn't change that it's difficult for me. I sometimes have nightmares of that moment and I feel like Dawn's departure would intensify my nightmares to their worst state again."
I raised my head and faced Dr Jones. I whispered, "I don't know if I'll be able to stand it. I know I couldn't before and I don't think I'm ready for this. I know this is going to be too much."
"Weren't you aware of it when Dawn first asked you?" — I nodded my yes. — "Then why are you so freaked out now? Shouldn't you have expected what you'd go through? This is just the beginning, Lucas, and you'll get hurt more. If you weren't ready for this, you shouldn't have said yes to her in the first place."
My face must have portrayed most of the shock I was under since Dr Jones's voice softened a little. "I know this is hard for you, especially with that background of yours. But you have to know while you go through the emotional pain, Dawn's going through that and physical pain. The pain will worsen and Dawn knows that, too, just like you do. When you return to her side, think this through: Can you stand your pain while seeing Dawn suffer from both? If the answer is a no, then tell your uncle that Dawn needs someone else by her side."
We made our way back in silence. I tried to understand what I was thinking and find out if I can or not.
I ended up entering Dawn's room with no clear answers and a very confused mind.