Dawn's eyes were in the perfect shade for staring at. It reminded me of a clear sky and a large body of water at the same time. It was easy to get lost in as if she was hypnotising me.
Focusing on something other than herself prevented me from tearing up and making things sad again. I was glad I could but I didn't trust myself to hold it longer.
"Want me to give you Dr Jones's number?" I asked, so I could avert her eyes with the excuse of searching through my contacts.
"Yeah, that'd be good." So I nodded and scrolled down my contacts to find hers.
I gave her my phone with Dr Jones's number on it and she copied it onto her phone, creating a new contact.
"You do have Catherine's number, right? I mean, you'll be needing that soon." Dawn asked me, turning my thoughts back to the conversation we had before.
"I have that, yeah. Although soon, I'm not sure of that." Speaking moderately, I smiled a little.
"Well, that may be what you think. But I think you should get closer to her so she'll know how to speak."
"I think when Dr Jones asked me to keep in touch with her, it meant for me to call her, not text," I remarked, since people may be able to hide their true feelings. This is part of the reason why most counsels are done on a call or in person. The main reason is of course to build a strong relationship that will lead the recipient to tell things easily to the counsellor as well.
"I'm sure she wants you to get close to her as well since that'll make it easier to tell her your true feelings."
At that, I looked up into Dawn's face and her eyes softened. "I just want you to be able to live after I go."
"Isn't it a bit too soon to talk about that?" I asked, smiling.
"If Dr Jones didn't mention this, yes. But she did, so it's never early to talk about this. I don't want you living like a corpse and I feel like it would happen."
I nodded without thinking much and ate my sandwich. It wasn't a bad one, really, just a tiny bit salty.
I looked up when I had finished my sandwich and saw Dawn's face. Her face…
She was in complete shock. Her eyes were huge but I had no idea why she looked like that. I thought back on her words and my careless nod and realised what was the baseline of her shock.
"Dawn… That's not what I meant." I said, trying not to worry too much about everything. It made it sound like I would live like a corpse after she left.
"But… you… nodded. Doesn't that mean yes?"
"I wasn't thinking when I nodded then. It doesn't mean anything, I swear. Trust me, please?"
It was hard to convince, especially when she had already seen me suffer at the thought of her leaving. I should have thought before I nodded like that, I know.
It was a mistake I remembered never to repeat because, for the first — and last — time, I was on the receiving end of her silent treatment.
I had never been the recipient of Dawn's silent treatment, although I've seen others go through it. She only does this when the comment or whatever hurts her feelings in a way that will take a long time to cure. But Dawn is also kind: she lets go of it once, to give him/her a second chance before being like that. However, there were some moments when the comment hurt her so much that either the silent treatment started without warning or she cut ties.
I was balancing on the edge of her line, so this reception was an inevitable part that would have appeared sooner or later. I knew my comment was not enough information, just a mound of words telling her I'm not guilty. It was ineffective in terms of convincing her.
I wanted to let her know what I was truly trying to say, but I knew it would sound lame and that she doesn't wish to be disturbed until she was ready. If I spoke to her now, I felt like she would hate me more.
Catherine entered the room soon to collect Dawn's tray. She handed her a lollipop and asked, "Why did you ask me to do that?"
Dawn just kept quiet. I couldn't see her face because I was looking away out the window.
Catherine seemed to notice something was going on between the two of us, so she asked, "Did you two fight or something?"
Dawn spoke, "No." to my greatest surprise and kept her mouth shut.
We were like that until Friday.
I felt awkward and Dawn refused to say a word to me.
I met up with Dr Jones for the "test" and she asked the same question Catherine had.
"We didn't fight. I just made a stupid mistake, that's all," was what I had said. It was true, although she didn't seem to believe me.
On Friday, Dawn's chemo sessions restarted with the changed combinations. Dawn looked a bit nervous but when she came back into her room with the drugs received, she seemed much calmer.
My uncle pulled me aside and spoke to me. "She may experience some pain or discomfort, as you already know. I told her to tell you if she feels that, and you can call me, Dr Jones or Catherine. None of us is on the late shift tonight, unfortunately. If you call us late, no one would answer, so just try to calm her down and help her a bit and call us first thing in the morning."
I nodded yes in understanding but I couldn't help but doubt if she'd tell me.
But turns out, it did. Or to be exact, she was forced to.