Dawn knew something was wrong with me. I wasn't surprised that she knew it, but her face screamed worry at me. I guess I looked pretty much the same as I felt. Dawn seemed to be looking for the right words to begin, so I decided to start the talk myself.
"Do I look that bad?"
Dawn blushed at my comment and seemed to fumble for words. "No…"
I raised an eyebrow at that and Dawn giggled, changing her answer to a maybe. I smiled at that laugh and almost frowned at the thought that it won't be long before I won't be able to hear it. I stopped my train of thought there, trying my best not to think about that after the talk with Dr Jones.
"Was it because of the test?" Dawn asked, definitely looking concerned about me.
I just smiled and shook my head. "She told me she won't be giving the questions because she already knows I know enough. She just told me to pretend so I won't blow the cover."
"Then why do you look so… Shattered?"
That word hit me in the face: I wasn't aware I looked that bad. That word sucked me back into the emotions I felt in that room.
Before my emotions could burst or anything else happen, my phone pinged. The screen notified me of a message from Dr Jones. 'I'll see you each week at the same time in the same room. Come on time for the chat or tell me if something comes up. If my schedule intervenes, I'll send you a message or have Catherine go and tell you. I hope you provide me with an answer when we meet next week.'
That sent me back into the sense of sadness and Dawn placed down whatever was in her hand. She turned to face me and lifted my face by the chin.
I tried to resist, knowing my face is close to breaking down and I knew I might start to cry if I saw her face. I obeyed her anyway, knowing Dawn's stubbornness.
I ended up locking eyes with her and I was close to bursting into tears.
We kept staring into our eyes and for some reason not blinking as well. I looked away then, my eyes stinging from pain, and I was fairly sure I would cry if I stared any bit longer.
"Are you… Crying?' Dawn asked and I shook my head, wondering what she meant.
Suddenly my sight was becoming fuzzy. Wondering what was going on, I rubbed my eyes and found that, indeed, I was crying. More tears were getting ready for take-off and I was close to crying out loud.
Trying to keep my voice steady, I turned around from Dawn and said, "I'm going out for some air."
I walked away from her but before I could reach the door, Dawn grabbed my sleeve and said, "It's cold outside. Can't you just stay in here?"
Not trusting my voice, I bit my lips and shook my head, removing my sleeve from her grip. I pulled my jacket off the coat rack and opened the door, hurrying out of the room.
I took off, knowing Dawn couldn't follow me out because of her legs. I was soon outside and plopped down on the bench. Holding my head in my hands, I took deep breaths, attempting to calm myself down so I could return to Dawn's side.
I didn't know how much time passed, but I had calmed down a bit now. So I raised my head and leaned back on the bench, resting my head and closing my eyes.
I was still controlling my breath to stop myself from bursting into tears. Dawn's face was still plastering in my eyes and closing my eyes just made it look clearer. But I kept them closed, training my eyes to see her face and not cry.
I was getting the hang of it, so I opened them and lifted my head, thinking about Dr Jones' question again.
"Lucas? Is that you?"
Catherine came running to me and saw my eyes red under the streetlamp. She hugged me tight and said, "You're going to be okay. You're going to be fine."
I swallowed back the tears and said to her, "Yeah, I know."
We stayed in that position for a long time but her phone suddenly rang. The caller was Dr Jones, telling her to return to her post for the night shift.
We entered the hospital together and parted ways, returning to our positions.
Dawn was still sitting, but deeply asleep. On her iPad, 'Wednesday' was playing so she must have been watching that.
I cleaned the table and lowered her pillows so I could help her lie down a bit easier. I carefully laid her down and heard her mumbling in her sleep. "I'm sorry…" was all I heard, but I felt she was saying that to me. I decided to sleep with her and held her in my arms. I lightly kissed the top of her head and whispered, "It's not your fault, Dawn. I just have to be better at this."
The clock read 11:30.