I woke up with Dawn still sleeping in my arms. The clock read 6:30. I sighed, knowing I'll get tired in the afternoon without a small nap.
I looked down at Dawn, seeing her peacefully asleep and smiling lightly. For her sake, I hoped her dream was peaceful without any worries. My dreams reflected pretty much how I felt. I was seeing my worst nightmares on repeat as if someone put that event on a loop and I couldn't break it. My dreams used to be my refuge in the past but now, it seems like I lost that, too.
Dawn woke up soon and asked, "Did you sleep well?"
"It seems like I've lost my hideout."
Dawn looked at me worriedly and I realised what I said: I wasn't thinking it through. "Do you want to talk about it?"
I shook my head and said, "It's something I'll have to carry for the rest of my life. I won't let you carry any of that weight."
"Is it because of me?"
So persistent. I don't like this, plus her stubbornness and her uncanny ability to guess unexpected things correctly.
I was about to tell her it was nothing, but she beat me. "Don't tell me it's nothing. I can already tell it has to do with me, so don't even think of lying, too."
"Then why ask?" I asked her, this time thinking it through a bit and genuinely curious. "You already got the answer, so what's the point?"
"Making sure and wanting to know why." She simply answered and wiggled inside my arms.
"Do you need to sit up?"
"No, not that. I need to go to the bathroom and Catherine will come soon to help me."
Huh? I wasn't aware of this. "She didn't tell me that."
"Cat wants you to get some air so things like "last night" won't happen," Dawn told me, giving me a knowing look.
"Did she…"
"Tell me about what happened last night when you ran out. Of course. I was the one that asked her to check on you. We got close while you were away with Dr Jones last evening. She told me about what may have been the reason so I asked Dr Jones to come and see me before you leave."
"And here I am." Dr Jones answered, entering the room. I slipped out of Dawn's bed and helped her sit up, unable to meet eyes with her.
Dr Jones brought out a foldable chair and sat down on it across from Dawn. "So, you want to know what I asked Lucas that made him cry?"
"More like sobbing," Catherine said while entering the room.
Dawn rolled her eyes at Catherine and faced Dr Jones to answer her. "Yes. After I clean myself up a bit."
Catherine supported her and they moved to the bathroom, leaving Dr Jones and me in awkward silence.
Dr Jones faced me and said, "Catherine told me about what happened last night."
"Yeah, Dawn told me it was her idea."
"You crying was no one's idea. I had no plans of making you cry your eyes out. Your eyes are a bit bloated, by the way. When Catherine told me that, I was shocked only because of that. Why did you cry in the first place?"
"How much time does Dawn have?"
"Two years at most. Why?"
"I never thought that I'd lose someone in less than five years in that way. Even if I break up with people, I would never lose them permanently. Dawn's different: I never anticipated breaking up with her, but now I have to lose her at a time I'm not ready for. I want to stay by her side so I can see her as much as I can, but at the same time, I don't want to see her suffer. That's why I'm so torn and I cried because I won't be able to see this face in such a short time."
"So, your answer?"
"I'm going to stay by her side. Even if that means I'll be crying every day. Even if that means I'll be regretting it every minute during my stay in the hospice. Even if I feel tempted to find a way to euthanize myself after she leaves."
Dr Jones smiled tenderly and said, "I like your determination, Luke, I do. But I don't want you to do this at the expense of your mental health. So let's do it this way: you can be Dawn's carer at Downy, but you have to keep in touch with Catherine. This is only for your sake and because I feel that pain you feel as well. You need to share with Catherine about how you truly feel, so you'd better get close to her during your stay here."
"So you're keeping tabs on me via Catherine?"
"That may be putting it a bit too bluntly… But yes." Dr Jones seemed to realise something and said, "Why is the bathroom so quiet?"
That horrified me. "Don't tell me Dawn heard all that!"
The door opened and Catherine exited, looking a bit too uncomfortable. "Lucas, you need to come in here. Now."
I nodded and nervously walked in, preparing myself for the worst.
Dawn was sitting on the toilet seat with the cover on and her clothes on. She looked cleaner than I last saw her, so she must have cleaned herself up. However, Dawn refused to look at me and Catherine shut the doors, so I didn't know what to expect now.
"You alright?"
"No." That almost freaked me out. "The correct question isn't that one. Are you alright?"
"I told you I'm fine multiple times, Dawn."
She looked me in the eyes and there were tears in them, preparing for take-off. I kneeled in front of her and said, "I told you this is something I have to carry for the rest of my life."
"You didn't tell me." At that she had to stop, her tears falling and eating up the rest of her sentence.
"You didn't need to know all of the details. If I told you you'll go saying it's our fault."
"Isn't it?" Dawn asked. "If I hadn't asked you to be my caretaker, you wouldn't have suffered the pain of seeing my face and me in pain."
"Dawn, did you hear all of what I said?" She nodded, to my surprise. "Then don't you remember me saying I would also be hurt if I don't see you for the time I can now?"
She bit her lips at that, probably remembering that, and said, "But seeing me will hurt you."
"But not seeing you also will. So I'm going to embrace the pain I have to carry to see you and help you all I can."
This time, I managed to convince her to see things from my point of view. I hugged her and asked if she had finished cleaning up. Dawn nodded yes, so I carried her in my arms to her bed while she shed a few more tears.
They were still in her room and Catherine seemed to have left to get our breakfast. I sat her down on the bed and took the brown bag on her tray.
"So, Dawn, do I still need to answer your questions or has our talk answered that for you?"
"There is something I don't understand. Why did you ask Lucas about that in the first place?"
Dr Jones somewhat smiled at that question. "Well, Luke began that talk himself, so I don't think it was my fault. Also, seeing you gone is an inevitable part regardless of his position with you, that he also knew. I had only asked because he told me it would be difficult for him to see your face because of the reminder that you'll be gone."
Dawn turned to face me and we locked eyes, me in the middle of chewing the sandwich. I averted my eyes soon and stared down at my sandwich, hearing Dawn sigh. "Lucas, I have a question for you as well. Why did you say yes to my request for you to be my caregiver? If you knew you'd get hurt, then you could have refused. There were so many moments when you could."
"Dawn, I already told you about this: Not seeing you is more difficult than seeing you in pain. I chose this because my need to see you is stronger than my need not to see you in pain. I want to see you for the time I have, no matter how much pain I'll be undertaking afterwards. It's — as I've told you — something I have to carry on."
I lifted my eyes and looked into Dawn's eyes, smiling as warmly as I could. "You wanted me, don't forget that. You could have requested any person or even a professional, but you wanted me to stay as your carer by your side. How could I say no to that? Or how could I say no, when I know you'd be uncomfortable with the person you might be with? Wouldn't you have chosen the same if I presented you with that question?"
"You said yes because you're selfless. People who claim they know you know this is a fact. If I were you, I would have asked you to give me time to think it through and then choose my answer, not answer straight away as you did."
It's a different point of view, I suppose. Maybe it's her being precautious, but I know she'll also say yes just like I did within that week, or perhaps even by the next week.
"What doesn't change is the fact that we'll both say yes, even though you already know it'll hurt to see me just like it is for me now."
"I'll say yes, that's true, but not when I'm in the state you're in. If being close hurts me to a certain extent, I would be able to tell you that I can't do it anymore. That's our difference."
Shock. That was the first emotion I felt from hearing that. Complete shock.
"I am willing to stay by your side, but not if that leads to the downfall of my well-being. I don't want to be by your side sacrificing myself. People tell you you're selfless because you're willing to put yourself behind for someone else, in this case, me."
I had never considered myself a selfless person. I've put myself before others for things I wanted to do, but I have to say those times weren't often.
"Being selfless is not a bad thing. It's being able to be kind to others and help people with a benevolent spirit, but not always the best, just like all other personalities." Dr Jones added, sounding the wisest I've heard her.
That had me thinking deeply about my past choices. It was easy to realise that I was being kind and many times gave up things for the convenience of others. It isn't a good habit, I can tell that with ease now.
"Well, Dawn, I have to get going with Catherine to check on my other patients. If you have any questions, Catherine can give you my number, or you could simply ask Luke. See you at your next check-up."
They left then and we stared into our eyes, me for once not feeling like bursting into tears.