The battle raged all around me. I fired another stunning spell over my shoulder as I ducked and dodged, trying to avoid the passing bodies and the falling debris. Another hex skimmed past my face, making me flinch as the bright colours flashed across my vision. I turned around, looking for Harry and Ron. Where were they? They had just been beside me. I stumbled around, looking for them. Tripping, falling. All around me, were the sounds of screams. A flash of green and a body fell to the floor, unmoving. Where was Harry? Where was Ron? Another scream. More green light. Another unmoving figure falling to the ground. We were losing. I had to keep fighting. I had to find Harry. I had to find Ron.
I saw a flash of red hair ahead of me and I started towards it, trying to follow, when suddenly I was caught around the waist and pinned against the wall, my hands held above my head. I pushed against the hard wall of chest pressing into me, trying to get it to to move. I needed to find Ron. The hands on my body seemed to multiply, holding my wrists, skimming over my legs, squeezing my waist, holding my chin firmly in place. I started to fight, to thrash, to hit, to scratch, but the figure holding me, was too strong, immovable. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a figure, a death eater approaching, their silver mask glinting from under the hood of their robes. My panic increased. This was it. I was going to die. I screamed out again, begging for help.
Suddenly the death eater, started laughing, a cold high laugh, that made my blood turn cold and my body still. I knew that laugh. The figure walked forward and suddenly they were right in front of me, it was their hands that held onto my wrists, them pinning me to the wall. Grey eyes peered down at me from behind the mask, glinting with pleasure. They bent forward, moving their head beside mine until their voice whispered in my ear.
Why would I help you, Granger? I despise you.'
A wand bit into my neck and the figure pulled away, laughing. The wand raised, their lips parted and with a flash of light, I started to scream.
No!' I cried out, my head jerking up from my pillow. Panting, my eyes adjusted to the dark. It was a nightmare. Just a nightmare.
I sat up and buried my head in my hands. Pushing my sweat soaked hair back from my face, I looked around the room. Everyone was still asleep. All due to the silencing charm I had been placing around my bed for the last week and a half. Most nights were the same. I was still having nightmares about the battle, only now they were interspersed with a new nightmare. I slipped out of bed and headed to the common room, knowing that I wouldn't get back to sleep.
Harry was worried about me. I could see it on his face every time he looked at me. I would have liked to have said that his worry was unjustified, but I wasn't sure that it was. I knew that I was looking pale, the bags under my eyes were larger than my school trunk. I was tired and I was irritable. When Ron had asked for my help with his homework, I had yelled at him and told him to get his girlfriend to help him instead. Then there was Cormac. Seeing him around the school was like picking at an open wound. Every time I saw him, I felt my breath quicken and the ice flood through my veins. Sometimes I felt like I couldn't move, frozen solid and other times, I found myself running in the other direction fighting to catch my breath.
Ginny knew that something was wrong. Ron didn't. He was too preoccupied with Lavender. When I saw her sit on his lap or wrap her arms around his neck or kiss him, I couldn't find it in me to care anymore. Harry tried to be supportive. He tried to be with me whenever he could, but I knew it was affecting his relationship with Ginny. She knew that he was keeping something from him, and I heard them bickering about it more than once. Not to mention I had become the literal definition of a third wheel. Ginny clearly wanted to spend alone time with Harry, but he always found a way to include me, much to her frustration.
Things were still tense between them by the time the quidditch season started and I was feeling guilty. I knew that I would need to tell Ginny the truth soon. I owed them both that much. The first match was between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. Matches were held on a Saturday, so of course that meant that I couldn't go.
I waited in the common room for my friends to appear, all wearing their bright red quidditch robes. I cheered along with everyone else when the rest of the team appeared in the common room all the while trying to ignore the feeling that had reappeared in my stomach. A feeling that I knew I had no right to be feeling. It was my own fault that I would be missing the game due to my detention, yet I couldn't shake off the jealous feeling that I was once again missing out.
At breakfast Harry and Ginny were perfectly calm as usual, if a little quieter than usual, but Ron had retreated into his past habits of going deathly quiet and eating nothing, which was always a sign with Ron that he wasn't feeling himself. Ron always got a bad case of nerves before playing quidditch and I guessed that not playing in over a year hadn't really done much to improve his confidence.
Breakfast was a quiet affair, with Ron sitting in stony silence, looking as though he was trying not to vomit and Harry and Ginny sitting with concentrated looks on their faces, I imagined trying to run through their strategy one more time. The only time any of us spoke was when people came over to wish the other three luck in the game, at which point Harry and Ginny would give a quick thanks and Ron would turn even more of a strange green colour.
When Harry finally stood up, that was the signal that it was time to go. I watched enviously as everyone else followed the team to the door, trying to get to the quidditch stands as early as possible in order to get the best seats. I couldn't help but feel jealous as I watched their excitement as they filed out of the hall. I turned to Harry to try and offer my good luck wishes, but he was immediately swarmed by a crowd of fans.
'Good luck, Harry,' I called over the crowds, trying to make my voice heard.
'Thanks, Hermione. See you later,' he shouted in reply before he was swept up in the crowds. The others didn't even turn around to say bye to me, just following Harry out of the hall. I stood there until the great hall was completely empty, waiting for a long moment in the silence before I gathered together my belongings and made my way up to the library for yet another detention.
As I walked through the empty corridors, I was struck by how quiet it was. Apart from my feet, the only other noises were the occasional shouts and cheers coming from the crowds making their way to the quidditch stands. I wasn't a particularly huge quidditch fan but being alone inside a deserted castle when everyone else was out having fun did nothing to improve my mood.
I entered the deserted library to find that Malfoy wasn't there yet. Things had been strained between us ever since that day in the corridor. Every day we sat beside each other in potions, saying absolutely nothing and acting like the other one didn't even exist. Our last two detentions had been exactly the same. It suited me just fine. I had nothing to say to him anyway and I was sure that after our last conversation, he would have nothing to say to me either.
He was ten minutes late when he finally sauntered in and I had been steadily nursing my anger for each of those ten minutes.
'Nice of you to show up,' I muttered sarcastically, my feelings perfectly clear.
He didn't even bother to respond, although I knew that he'd heard me from the dark look that he shot in my direction. I smirked with a feeling of satisfaction. Glad that I'd managed to provoke a reaction after over a week of blank nothingness.
From that moment I found that I couldn't help myself. I snapped in reply to any question he asked. I criticised him if he made even the slightest mistake. I sighed loudly when he took too long to do something. And he took it all without a word. The longer he stayed silent the more I was determined to get a rise out of him. I wanted him to argue back. I wanted him to fight with me. I wanted to vent out all the frustration and anger that I had been feeling on someone without feeling guilty about it afterwards and Malfoy was the perfect person for doing that with. Yet he wasn't taking the bait.
When a loud cheer from the quidditch stands broke the silence, I watched as Malfoy's eyes lifted up the window nearby and he let out a frustrated sigh.
'Problem?' I asked. Although I knew exactly why he was annoyed. He loved quidditch and yet he had to spend the match stuck in the library with me. Out of the two of us, he had more reason to be annoyed than I did.
'Yes, actually,' he replied finally turning around to face me. I congratulated myself that his blank mask had been replaced with a dark glower. 'It's the first quidditch match of the season and instead of being out there eyeing up the competition, I'm stuck in here with you when you're being even more of a complete bitch than usual.'
'I beg your pardon!' I exclaimed, the adrenaline coursing through my veins as I fired up for the argument. 'How do you expect me to be? It's hardly my ideal situation either being stuck here all day with you. And I am not a bitch,' I added for good measure.
He simply shrugged. 'Maybe I'll just add it to a list of all your attributes. It's a short list,' he sneered. 'Bitch. And a coward.'
I felt my eyebrows rise at the accusation. 'In what way am I coward?'
'Seriously?' he scoffed. 'You're just going to let McLaggen get away with what he did? For nearly raping you, all because you're too what? Afraid? Scared it will tarnish that fucking golden halo everyone thinks you have.'
I flinched at his words but forced myself to push it away quickly. 'Why the hell do you care?' I folded my arms across my chest in an effort to provide some level of protection. 'I mean, I brought it all on myself after all? I deserved what happened to me, right?'
He visibly winced at my words, as if he was ashamed of them, but I was too angry to care.
'I don't care,' he said simply, recovering his emotionless mask. 'I just think it's ironic that the girl who fights for justice for everyone else, won't lift a finger to do it for herself. How will you feel if he does it to someone else and you could have stopped it but didn't? Can you take that on your conscience?
I stepped back away from him, stung at his words. I hadn't even given it a thought that it could happen to someone else. I hadn't even considered it. To my shame I had only been thinking about myself. I had been selfish. Not that I wanted him to know that he was right. So instead of admitting it, I turned defensive. 'You don't know what you're talking about.'
'Oh, I think I do. Because maybe the reason you're not telling anyone what happened, is because you're worried of what you're precious Weasley will think of your tarnished reputation. You've been panting after him for his years. Maybe if he finds out, he won't want you anymore, is that what you're worried about? How does it feel to be second best to Lavender Brown of all people? How does it feel to know that Weasley doesn't want you?' He ran his eyes over me and scoffed. 'I don't know how anyone ever could.'
It's one of those things, when in the middle of an argument someone says those words, that one thing that will cut you more deeply than any knife ever could. That's what happened to me. My face crumpled instantly as I reared back from him, because he had said that one thing, that one thing that would hurt me the most. The thought that had been plaguing me for months and of course, Draco Malfoy would be the one to discover that weakness before anyone else did. He had found it and he had weaponised it. Because Ron didn't want me. Neither did my parents. He was right. I had no one.
Before the first of my tears could fall, before I would ever let him see them, I pushed past him and grabbed my bag.
As I marched out to the end of the aisle I heard him say my name. I stopped and turned around. He stood watching looking me, his jaw tense as something worked behind his eyes as he saw the tears glistening in mine.
'Screw you, Malfoy.'
Not quite satisfied with that, I pulled out my wand and flicked it in his direction, watching as every book in the aisle flew out from its place in the shelf. As I turned around I heard his pained grunts as books and parchment rained down on top of him.
I stormed through the castle, angry with him and angry with myself for lashing out at him again. But most of all I was angry with myself for letting him see the hurt in my eyes. For letting him see how much he had hurt me.
I couldn't go back to the common room. Not yet. I didn't know where the match would finish and I wouldn't have an explanation for why I was back so early. So instead I wandered the empty corridors of the castle, finally settling on a place I hadn't been in years. There was an alcove at the end of a corridor that no one tended to go down. I used to find myself sitting in that alcove on a regular basis, mostly when Ron and Harry would stop speaking to me for one reason or another and then again throughout sixth year when Ron had first started going to go out with Lavender. Most of the time I would sit and read, or like today. just think and stare out of the window, totally undisturbed.
I sat there for a while, only deciding to head back to the common room when I saw the crowds start to head back up to the castle.
When I reached the safety of the common room, the door swung open to reveal a party, already in full swing. People are laughing and cheering, posters abs banners has already been placed all around the room and there there was even gold and red confetti sprinkling from the ceiling.
I looked around for Harry and the others, which didn't take me too long, as they were the ones who were surrounded by the largest crowd. I pushed my way through, getting out my pointy elbows to nudge a few people out of the way.
'Hermione,' Harry called over a few heads, when he eventually saw me, making his way through the last few people.
'Hey, I guess I should be congratulating you.' I pointed to the banners and the confetti. 'I take it that you won,' I said moving in for a hug, although regretting it immediately when I saw that he hadn't changed out of his Quidditch robes and they were filthy.
'Yep, we did. It was a good game,' Harry replied, whilst I gave a quick congratulations to Ron and Ginny.
'What was the score?' I asked, trying to at least pretend that I was knowledgeable about the game, although as soon as the question was out of my lips, I couldn't help but feel that I had asked precisely the wrong question. Harry and Ginny immediately shot Ron a quick look, before looking at each other, with concerned expressions.
'Oh, I'm not sure what it finally ended as' Harry replied awkwardly, once again shooting Ron a quick look.
I was feeling completely bewildered by the weird expressions, the little glances and the sudden tension, but before I could comment further, Ron stormed away stating that he needed a drink.
'What's going on?' I asked totally confused.
'The score was actually 190- 130. Harry was just trying to spare Ron's feelings,' Ginny explained, although I was still didn't understand her meaning.
'Well that's not too bad, is it? I mean you still won, although… oh.' I said, the penny finally dropping. Although Gryffindor had won, they had only managed to score four goals, whereas Ravenclaw had scored thirteen. That meant that if Harry hadn't caught the snitch, we would have probably lost. That meant that Ron, had let in thirteen goals. No wonder he didn't look happy. In fact now that I looked more closely, that was a bit of an understatement. He had a face like thunder. He was standing slightly apart from everyone else and was glaring at them with hard eyes, as if he hated them for daring to have such a good time.
'Ron let in thirteen goals,' I said as Harry and Ginny both winced. 'What happened? I thought he'd been fine in training.'
'I dunno, he just seemed to crumble completely,' Harry shrugged. 'He lost it. If it hadn't been for Ginny, we would have been in real trouble,' he said, looking down at her with pride. 'She was amazing.'
Ginny turned to face him and immediately leaned in to kiss him. Although the quick kiss soon turned heated and I felt decidedly more awkward standing in front of them.
'So, I'm em, just going to…' I trailed off awkwardly, as it became increasingly apparent that neither of them were even aware of my existence anymore, never mind listening to me. I wandered away from the kissing couple, looking around the common room, my eyes falling on Ron once again. He was standing over at the other side of the common room talking with Lavender, although neither of them looked happy. I couldn't hear what they were saying over the loud music, but if the angry faces and the arm waving was anything to go by, they were in the middle of a heated argument. Ron eventually turned and walked out of the common room, grabbing a bottle of firewhiskey off the table on his way. Lavender watched him leave with a dark look on her face, before she turned and stormed off in the opposite direction.
I watched Ron disappear with a heavy feeling in my stomach. Even though we had grown apart in the last few months, he was still my friend, one of my best friends and he looked so miserable that I couldn't help but follow him out of the common room. I exited the portrait hole, to find the corridor empty. I had no idea which way he had gone and so took a chance, choosing to go left. It wasn't long before I knew that my gamble had paid off.
I walked up behind Ron, who was sitting at the top of a deserted staircase, a bottle of firewhiskey still in his hand. I sat down beside him, giving a casual 'hey' as I did, but he barely even acknowledged my presence. The only indication that he had heard me was the clenching of his jaw and a very slight, nearly imperceptible nod of the head. I knew immediately that this would probably not go well, but it was too late to back out now. Ron had always had a temper and it was always ignited further when he had been humiliated. If there was anything Ron hated more than anything in the world it was people laughing at him.
'So…' I began, unsure of what to say next. 'How are things?' I ended lamely.
Ron was silent for a moment, before he lifted the bottle in his hand to his lips and downed over half the contents of the bottle in one large swig. He sighed dramatically as he swallowed and I immediately regretted my decision to follow him. He was on a one way track to getting pissed and I wasn't sure that I wanted to be around when that happened.
'Well, Hermione, let me see. I have just made a complete and utter arse of myself in front of the entire school, had a huge fight with Lavender, my sister is all loved up with my best friend, my brother's dead and I am pretty much failing every class that I have this year, so I would say that things are just peachy,' he said sarcastically, sulking even more.
'Oh come on Ron, things can't be that bad,' I said taking his hand, trying to comfort in the only small way that I could. 'You want to talk about it? I mean school can't be that bad,' I said, choosing the easiest topic, not really wanting to delve into the other issues.
'Don't want to talk about it,' he muttered and we both fell into silence again. I sighed and closed my eyes tightly, before I forced myself to ask-
'Well, what about you and Lavender? What happened?' I asked really not wanting to know the answer, but trying to be a good friend.
It only took a few moments of silence for Ron to start speaking. 'Apparently I embarrassed her today with my, now what did she say 'idiotic and brainless Quidditch playing'. Apparently, a blind pixie with one arm would have been better than me today. See, I'm good enough for her when I'm Harry's friend and part of the bloody 'golden trio' but when I screw up a Quidditch match, she doesn't want to know,' Ron said, trying to keep his tone light, but failing towards the end when the hurt crept into his voice.
I held back the sigh that was straining to get free, wondering what he wanted me to say. That Lavender was shallow and always had been and he was a complete idiot for going out with her again when he knew what she was like? Or basically lie to him and tell him how wonderful she was? Not wanting to make Ron feel worse, I knew that I only had one option.
'I'm sure she didn't mean it, Ron,' I said unable to quite believe the words that were coming out of my mouth.
'Yes, she did, Hermione. I could tell she meant every word,' Ron replied in a hurt tone. He raised the bottle of firewhiskey and took another gulp before he passed me the bottle. Warily I took it, but just held it in my hands. I wasn't quite over the memory of my hangover to jumk back into drinking just yet. 'What do I do, Hermione? Tell me what to do?'
'I can't tell you what to do, Ron? Just do what makes you happy? If Lavender is what makes you happy then you need to-'
I was abruptly cut off by Ron's lips descending onto mine. I froze in shock as the smell and taste of firewhiskey assaulted my senses and I was immediate reminded of Cormac.
Putting my hands on his shoulders I pushed him firmly away. 'Ron, no! What are you doing? You have a girlfriend!'
He sighed heavily, picking up the firewhiskey and taking a long swig. 'Ignore me, Hermione. I'm drunk.'
I stiffened as he pulled me into tight hug of apology completely unaware that he had just effectively delivered a punch to my emotions. Another one. Another emotional scar for Ron to leave on me. He pulled the bottle to his lips over my shoulder, completely unaware of the hurt that I was feeling. I was just about to pull away from him and leave before he could say something else to hurt me, when a movement out of the corner of my eye drew my attention to the bottom of the staircase. I started slightly when I realised that at the bottom of the staircase, staring at us with a look of surprise and shock was Draco Malfoy. His gaze drifted briefly from me to Ron and then back to me. Something about his gaze made me shift uncomfortably. It looked as if he was angry, almost hurt, but then I was sure that I must have imagined it, for his face quickly returned to his usual blank, stony expression and he walked quickly on.
I pulled out of Ron's arms, as I watched him go, my eyes still lingering on the place where he just disappeared out of sight, trying not to think about what his piercing look had meant.
'Nice to see some things never change,' Ron said beside me, pulling my gaze back to him.
'Meaning what?'
'Malfoy.'
'What about him?' I asked, unable to stop myself.
'Well apart from being a git, he's still strutting about the castle like he owns it, looking down at everyone else like they're beneath him. I mean did you see the look he gave us; like we we're total scum. Maybe someone should tell him that his side actually lost in the war. Fucking arsehole!' Ron practically yelled, before downing the rest of the firewhiskey and throwing the glass bottle down the stairs where it smashed, sending shards of glass scattering in all directions.
I couldn't help but look back for one last glance at where Draco was standing, wondering why that look he had given us bothered us so much. But then again, he thought that nobody would ever want me, that nobody ever could. Maybe he was just disgusted that any boy would ever sit close to me.
'Right, let's get back to this party then,' Ron said swaying slightly and reaching his hand out to me to help me up, which was a bit ironic considering he was the one who was struggling to stand upright. I reluctantly let him pull me to my feet, hoping that he didn't topple and take me with him.
'Apparently we've got some celebrating to do,' Ron said, throwing his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his side and leading me back towards the common room with a new found enthusiasm. I couldn't help but laugh as he started dancing his way back into the common room, twirling me under his arm as we re-joined the party. I caught Harry's eye as we entered back through the portrait hole and he gave me a thumbs up, mouthing 'thank you'. I gave him a quick nod back and as I made my through the crowds, pushing Ron's kiss and Malfoy's words out of my head and putting a smile on my face ready to enjoy the party.