The train left promptly at 11am the following morning. Just like it did every year. Part of me felt like I was in a dream. Like I had travelled back in time to before everything had become so messed up.
I'd barely had time to process everything, to appreciate that I was going back to Hogwarts; to really get to appreciate boarding the Hogwarts Express for what I knew would definitely be the last time. And the reason I hadn't been able to process this special moment was because we were once again running late.
Every year was the same. You would have thought that we would have learned by now, but The Burrow had been in utter chaos once again. Even though we had been sure to get up early enough, we had still been running late, largely due to the enormous breakfast that Mrs Weasley had laid out on the table for us. Ron had, as usual slept in, and also as usual had left his packing until the very last minute. Harry had spent the morning hunting for his quidditch gloves, until I reminded him of a helpful little tool called a summoning a spell.
Despite apparating to the designated spot in King's Cross, we were still running late and had barely made the train, luckily finding an empty carriage as people said their last goodbyes to their parents. As Ron and Ginny said a last goodbye to their mother; who was seemingly reluctant to let them go; I took a seat by the window and resolutely avoided looking at the families outside. The families hugging and kissing and crying and laughing. The families who cared. I'd only ever had that experience twice. Both in my very first years at Hogwarts. It seemed like a lifetime ago.
The four of us settled into the carriage, Ron and I on one side, Harry and Ginny on the other. Conversation inevitably went to what we had been doing over the summer. As I had very little to contribute, other than I had hidden myself away in my bedroom and resolutely avoided my parents, I pulled out a book and stared at it with avid interest.
As the familiar sights of the city gave way to the suburbs and eventually the green of the countryside, the conversation had moved onto quidditch. I turned another page, although what it was about I had no idea. I half listened as Harry, who was still the quidditch captain, talked strategy for the year and who he was hoping would join the team as the new beaters and chasers.
I was vaguely aware of people stopping outside our compartment every so often, of various faces peering in. I had just been about ready to get up and close the blind when the door slid open to welcome Neville and Luna, hand in hand. They hadn't been there long when they were joined by Seamus and Dean, then Lavender and Parvati, and every single returning seventh year who wasn't in Slytherin. Every time I got to my feet and gave the obligatory hugs, the smiles, the 'how are yous?'
I managed to fake it the first time, even the second, but by the third and fourth I started to feel the clawing ball of panic scratching up my throat. It got harder and harder to maintain that smile when all I wanted to do was yell at everyone to go away and leave me alone.
I didn't know why, it had never happened to me before but my head grew fuzzy and the hand holding my book started to tremble slightly. The skin on my face tingled and a cold sweat seeped from my pores. My heart was speeding so hard behind my ribcage I thought it might explode. My chest tightened and I struggled to breathe as I felt the walls of the compartment start to close on on me.
'Hermione?' I heard a voice say. My eyes searched for the voice. Harry.
I needed to get out of their. I needed air.
I shot to my feet and dropped my book beside me. I pushed through the bodies in the carriage and forced the heavy door open, sliding it along the runners.
'Hermione. Are you okay?'
'I'm fine,' I gasped. 'Just… hot. I'm going to get a drink.'
Stumbling down the corridor, until I reached the door. Shaking hands pushed up the window and I rested my head against the cool glass, welcoming the rush of air that blasted over my face, even if it was warm. I concentrated on calming my breathing, vaguely aware that I had a mild panic attack.
A few minutes later, I turned and slumped against the wall, feeling tears sting my eyes. What the hell was the matter with me? Things were meant to be fine now. Going back to Hogwarts was meant to make everything better, not infinitely worse.
I took another moment to gather myself before I decided I would need to go and get the drink that I'd told the others I was getting. I slid through the interconnecting carriage door and was turning around to open the other one when the door slid open beneath my hand and I slammed into a figure in front of me. 'Oh sorr…' I began, but instantly cut myself off with a gasp as I saw who I had just walked into. Draco Malfoy. The same blonde hair. The same grey eyes. The same expensive clothes. Taller perhaps than before, but that wasn't the thing that caught my attention. Gone was the confidence, the smirk, the condescension and sneering hatred that I was used to. Instead I would swear he looked panicked and if I wasn't mistaken, guilty.
I couldn't have moved even if I wanted to. I could only stare up in surprise at his shocked face. But then I didn't need to, as he suddenly blinked once and instantly recoiled, rushing back down the corridor and into one of the compartments.
I stood rooted to the spot for a long moment, bewildered, wondering what had just happened. I hadn't even expected Draco Malfoy to be back at Hogwarts. Of all the reasons I had been worried of coming back to Hogwarts, Draco Malfoy had not even made it onto my lengthy list. I had never even thought for one moment that he would come back. I was instantly angry with him. Why on Earth was he back? What was he thinking! Why would he even want to come back? He hated Hogwarts. He hated everything about Hogwarts. I could only hope his year was as utterly miserable as he had made mine in the past. It was the least he deserved.
I bought myself a bottle of pumpkin juice and made my way back to our compartment, feeling considerably calmer than when I had left. All feelings of panic had been swallowed up by the fiery ball of irritation that was Draco Malfoy.
'Where is everyone?' I asked when I entered the nearly empty compartment, with only Harry and Ron for occupants.
'Ginny's gone to see her friends and Neville and Luna went back to their own compartment, to get changed' Harry answered. 'Where have you been anyway? You were gone a while.'
'Just getting a pumpkin juice' I answered, raising my bottle as if I was presenting my evidence. 'The trolley was up at the other end of the train.'
I sat quietly sipping on my pumpkin juice before I asked, 'Did you know Malfoy was coming back to Hogwarts?'
Harry and Ron's faces had completely identical reactions. Both their eyebrows shot up, their jaws dropped down leaving their mouths gaping open, before finally mustering up a completely in sync, 'what?' It was actually quite comical and I felt a small smile at the corner of my lips as my eyes darted between the two of them.
'What the hell do they think they're doing letting him back here? He's a death eater for Merlin's sake,' Ron practically spat.
'I suppose they have to let him back though. He was cleared at his trial. I mean his family did help out in the end. I would be dead if it wasn't for his mum,' Harry mused.
'So what now you're defending him?' Ron yelled.
'No, I'm not defending him,' Harry answered, more calm than I would have been if Ron had yelled at me. 'He'll probably always be a jerk, but I don't think that he was ever a true death eater. Not by choice anyway. Voldemort can be pretty forceful and I'm sure he did what he did for his family.'
I thought over Harry's words, wondering how he could be so forgiving, after everything Malfoy had done to him in the past. I knew for certain that I never could and I had only ever received half the cruel taunts and jives that Harry had. But then Harry was a truly good person. He always saw the best in people.
Ron however was not quite so understanding. 'Oh yeah right. Get real. We know what he's like. I bet he loved every single minute of it.'
We sat in silence for a while after that. I looked out of the train, watching as the landscape changed from flat fields, to rolling hills and low valleys. By the time we reached the towering mountains and serene lochs, the sun hung low illuminating the sky in an orange haze. We were nearly there. As the train hurtled ever closer, I found myself thinking about our final destination. About Hogwarts. I was surprised to find that my stomach twisted uneasily. The last time we were there, it was filled with chaos, with death and destruction. So many people died and I could still picture each and every one of their faces. Every pale white sheet covering another stiff and unmoving body. It didn't take a genius to work out that I was scared. Scared to go back. Scared that I wouldn't be able to handle all the bad memories. Worried that I wasn't strong enough to face it.
When the announcement came that we were approaching our destination, we quickly changed into our robes. I looked at and Ron in theirs, thinking that they looked strange. Like they were in costume. Pretending at being the children that we no longer were.
We stepped off the train, pushing our way through the crowds, watching as the new first year students looked around fearfully, unsure of where they should be going. We followed the crowds to the end of the platform and into the clearing at the edge of the wood and I gasped at the sight before me.
Where there were usually horseless carriages, there now stood large black, scaly horse- like creatures. I knew immediately what they were. I had ridden one before, even though I hadn't been able to see it. I hadn't seen anyone die before. Though, that was then. Now I could see them as clear as day. I stood before the creature, thinking of all the people that I had seen die reflected in its black glassy eyes. I turned my head, trying to hide my face from the others as I desperately tried to blink back my tears, when Draco Malfoy caught my attention for the second time that day.
I watched as he was looking fearfully into the eyes of the thestral that stood in front of him at the carriage beside ours. Fear. That was another new emotion for Malfoy. Who knew he now had such an emotional range? I felt a flicker of empathy as I realised that he, like so many others had seen death for the first time in the last year. However, he turned around just in time to see me staring and I wasn't quick enough to avert my gaze. His eyes immediately narrowed and he sent me his usual sneer before turning his back on me and storming off into the carriage. Strangely I found myself smiling in response. At least that was familiar.
No one spoke much as the carriage took us up to the castle, the presence of the thestrals, the visible thestrals, put everyone in a sombre mood, bringing to the surface painful memories. It wasn't long before the carriage pulled to a stop and we all stepped out, finding ourselves at the main entrance to the castle. I looked up at the magnificent building, perfectly restored, that seemed to be glowing under the light of the torches and the moonlight. Normally it was a sight that would have brought a smile to my face; it usually meant I was home, but I couldn't feel that way anymore. I wasn't sure I would ever feel that way again.
As we approached the great hall, I felt myself falter slightly. I didn't want to go in there. I didn't want to see that place. I looked over at Ron and saw that his face was drained of all colour. I reached down and gave his hand a small squeeze. However I was feeling this must be so much harder for him.
Sitting down at the Gryffindor table, I couldn't help but look around, looking for any signs of what had taken place just a few months prior. I told myself that I wouldn't do it but I couldn't help myself. However it was perfect, looking exactly the same as it had, when we had first walked through those doors, eight years ago to the very day. Looking at it now, you would never have been able to tell that just four months ago, it had been a make shift morgue, with dead bodies lining the length of the hall and the sound of anguished sobs echoing throughout the stone hall. I shivered at the memories. I tried not to think about it, but I couldn't help but think about whose body had lain where I now sat. Once again I felt my breaths become unsteady, a prickle tingled over arms and a stinging burned in my eyes, but I simply fixed my gaze to a point on the wall, staring at the blank grey stones and focused on breathing in and out.
The excited chatter that usually filled the great hall on the first day of term was somewhat muted. The older students in particular were somewhat melancholy and the younger students, the ones who had avoided the battle sensed the atmosphere and spoke in hushed whispers. Most of the older students had stayed at Hogwarts for the final battle. I imagined everyone was thinking about the horrors that they had seen and the friends who would no longer be sitting beside them. Someone who had been killed, most likely by the relative of someone sitting under the green banner of Slytherin.
A hush throughout the hall brought my attention to the front dais where Professor McGonagall now stood. She had been made the head mistress after Professor Snape was killed last year. The doors at the back of the hall flew opened and everyone's heads turned to face the source of the noise, to see the new first years walking in, looking around nervously. I couldn't help but note how young and innocent they looked. I reminisced back this day eight years ago, thinking of my own feelings at that time. I was so desperate to make a good impression. So nervous and worried that I wouldn't be good enough. Spouting off facts I had memorised from books to make it seem like I belonged. Part of me envied that girl her innocence. She had no idea what was in store.
Mindlessly, we watched and applauded as the new first years were sorted into their houses, one by one. When the last child had taken their seat at the Hufflepuff table, Professor McGonagall stood up and raised her hand to indicate silence. A hush descended over the hall as she prepared to give her welcome back speech.
'Good evening and welcome to a new year at Hogwarts. This year marks the start of a new era for Hogwarts. We have many new students this year,' she said indicating the pupils sitting in front of her, 'as well as many returning students, who have returned to complete their final exams. Although we are all looking forward to a new chapter beginning at Hogwarts, we must however remember the past.' As she paused I found myself focusing my eyes on the table in front of me, tracing over the contours of the wood, trying to block out the words that I knew were about to follow.
'I know for many of you that the last few months have been difficult. We have all been through the worst of times. As a school, as a community we faced our darkest day. It had been one of my proudest moments to stand alongside and fight with many of you, watching you mature and become witches and wizards that fought for justice and equality.' She looked around the hall, meeting the eyes of various students. She took a deep breath and I could see the effort it took her to continue. 'However the freedom that you all fought so bravely for came at a cost and each and every one of us have known the cruel sting of loss. Friends and loved ones have been taken from us far too soon and being here, at Hogwarts, will of course be difficult for us all.'
The sounds of quiet sobs and muted tears filled the silence as Professor McGonagall's words connected with each and every person in the room. I imagined every mind was picturing the face of someone that they would no longer see. I blinked back the tears as the swell of grief sat heavily in my chest as numerous faces passed through my mind. Fred. Tonks. Lupin. Snape. Colin. Dumbledore. Dobby.
'You have lost friends and loved ones far too soon and I know that being back here will be difficult for all of you. This building is filled with many bad memories and I have no doubt that there will be some tough times ahead, as we try and pick ourselves back up and heal our wounds. But Hogwarts, despite being our home, is just a building. It is made of bricks and mortar. It is the people inside these walls that made Hogwarts what is it. As such I expect us to all work together to help support each other through these difficult times, so that we can help to rebuild our school and move forward towards a brighter future.'
At this she gave a small pause and looked down at her feet. I imagined that this was hard for her as well and she seemed to need a moment to compose herself. The sobs continued around the hall and I felt my eyes brimming with tears that I deliberately held back. I slid my hands under the table and dug my nails into the soft flesh of my palms, hard, enjoying the painful sting as they cut into my flesh, the physical pain distracting me from my internal agony. I looked over at the other side of the table and saw that Ginny was one of those who were letting the tears flow freely. Harry had pulled her into a hug, with her head resting on his shoulder, her tears falling onto his robes.
Professor McGonagall continued with her speech, seeming to have recovered, as her voice was stronger and took on a sharper edge. 'Our school has been divided for far too long. This is a year for change and a year for unity. The divisions of the past no longer matter and I look forward to fresh beginnings and fresh attitudes from all of you. The founders of this school worked in harmony together to build this great castle and establish Hogwarts. They were all close friends who set aside their differences in order to work together for the greater good, using each of their talents to make our school stronger. Hufflepuffs are among the most loyal and dedicated people you will find, Ravenclaws the most intelligent and wise, Gryffindors are the bravest and the most courageous and in Slytherin are the most cunning and ambitious. All of these traits are unique to your houses, but that does not make any house superior to the other. You are all brilliant in your own way, but by working together and learning from each other is when you can become great.'
She paused looking around at all of us. Giving a glance to each and every table throughout the hall. 'Now I think that I have taken up enough of your time. I look forward to seeing each and every one of you succeed this year.'
With that she sat down, leaving the hall in a deathly silence. I looked up and down the Gryffindor table and glanced over at the Slytherins. Each table was clearly giving the other a look that said 'don't expect us to be working with you any time soon'. Despite Professor McGonagall's some things unfortunately would just never change. Some wounds were just too deep to heal.
The plates of food in front of us were suddenly filled and the mood in the hall instantly lifted, the somber attitude from moments before forgotten. The last thing I felt like doing was eating, but I'd had a summer of practising, of eating in awkward situations. Of forcing the food down even when it tasted like ash in my mouth.
Throughout the meal, I found myself looking up at the ceiling, admiring the stars. They shone brightly tonight against the clear night sky. As I turned back around I was startled as I realised that half the people in the hall were staring over at us.
I whipped back around in my seat hurriedly and put my hand up at the side of my face, trying to obscure it from view. Harry looked over at my sudden movement, sensing my discomfort.
'Everything all right, Hermione' he asked, looking concerned at my sudden change in attitude.
I slid my eyes to the side, meeting his emerald green ones. 'Everyone is staring at us,' I whispered, keeping my voice low. His eyebrows knotted, before he gave a quick glance over his shoulder before he whispered across the table 'just ignore it. Trust me. It will all go away in a week or so.
I looked at him doubtingly, but pulled my hand back to my side, watching as the food cleared from the table and the desserts appeared.
After dinner, we made our way back to the common room. I watched as the prefects herded the first years up the common room, feeling slightly nostalgic as their eyes widened, taking in the glory of their surroundings. I had been a prefect before, but I had opted not to continue the role this year. Giving our house points, trying to win the house cup, it all seemed rather trivial.
We made our way up to the common room. I couldn't help but smile as I stepped through the portrait, looking around at the familiar surroundings. I walked with Ginny up to our dorm. We would now be sharing as we were both seventh years. I had never been overly close to Lavender or Parvati, so Ginny has offered to move to our common room to keep me company which I was immensely grateful for.
Climbing into my bed, I ended up thinking about how long it had been since I had lain in this bed. It was just the same. It had the same feel, the same smell. I listened as the other girls slowly drifted to sleep, their breathing becoming more slow and heavy and as I listened to their rhythmic breathing, I felt myself begin to drift off to sleep, thinking about how good it felt to be home.