I stormed out of McGonagall's office, completely furious with myself and even more furious with Draco Malfoy. If only he had just kept his mouth shut. But of course he couldn't. I was almost surprised that he didn't threaten the headteacher with the wrath of his father, like he had done so many times in the past.
I headed back to the Gryffindor common room, marching down the corridors. My face must have shown my feelings as every person who crossed my path, jumped immediately out of the way. Either that or they had heard that I had just blown up half a classroom and were wisely steering clear, not wanting to be my next target.
All too soon I was entering through the portrait hole and into the common room, immediately coming face to face with Harry, Ron and Ginny who came rushing over to meet me. I could tell that I looked simply furious as the three of them exchanged nervous glances, wondering which one would speak first. In the end it was Harry.
'Em, so what happened Hermione? I mean with McGonagall,' he clarified. We all knew what I had just done to the classroom.
'Detention,' I bit out furiously. 'Twice a week until December,' I added, watching their eyes widen in slight shock and trying their best to look sympathetic.
'Oh, but that's not even the worst part,' I continued, my arms flying about dramatically.
'What's the worst part?' Ginny asked tentatively, as the other two eyed me warily.
'Not only do I have detention twice a week, I have detention twice a week with fucking Malfoy of all people.'
Harry and Ginny had the good grace to at least attempt to looked horrified, but Ron just laughed out loud. 'Oh, that I have to see. You and Malfoy together twice a week, so what's the bet then? How long before she kills him?'
In response I simply threw my incredibly heavy bag at him, satisfied when he grunted as the bag made impact with his stomach. I smiled to my myself. I knew there was a good reason for carrying that many books around at the one time.
I walked passed him, not even bothering to hide the smirk on my lips and stalked over to the best seat in the common room, throwing myself down on the couch dramatically.
'When do you have to start the detention?' Harry asked, sitting down beside me.
'Every Saturday afternoon and Wednesday evenings, starting tomorrow,' I answered, blinking back the first threat of tears. Why did I always have to cry when I was angry?
'I swear this bloody day just keeps better and better.' I turned my face away from the others, hiding the shining tears that were threatening to spill over.
I stared into the fire, watching the flames flicker and crack, allowing the remnants of my anger to wither away like the tiny embers as they hit the cold stone slabs of the fireplace. I knew my anger had been misplaced. I knew that I couldn't blame McGonagall. I couldn't even blame Malfoy, although that would have been simpler. I was angry at myself. Angry for letting things get on top of me and worse for reacting to them. I was better than this. I was meant to be better than this. Cool, logical and clever Hermione Granger. Weren't those the words always used to describe me. Yet this time I had been emotional and hysterical and out of control and it wasn't me. I wasn't that girl. I was meant to be the girl who could handle anything and everything and if that wasn't me, then who was I?
'So, Hermione,' Harry asked after a long moment of silence. 'What actually happened? I mean what did Malfoy do?' Harry asked somewhat nervously, clearly not wanting to upset me again.
I kept my eyes onto the dancing flames, trying to think back to what he had actually said but I couldn't remember. All I remembered was that whatever was said, I was the one to start it. 'Oh, you know nothing much,' I shrugged, trying to brush them off. 'Just being the usual Malfoy.'
'Right,' Harry said, drawing the word out slowly. 'It's just that I don't think I've ever really seen you get that angry before.' He paused and thought for a moment. 'Except when you slapped him,' he amended. 'I figured he must have done something really bad to make you do that to him. And in class of all places.'
I looked up at him not sure how to answer, feeling the first flutters of shame start to creep in. Even Harry thought that I had over reacted. Deep down I knew that I had. I knew that I had let myself lose control. I had let my anger and my rage win. As much as I might have wanted to, I couldn't place the blame with Draco Malfoy. It hadn't been him that upset me after all. Not really. His insults were harmless. Nothing that I hadn't heard before. They were just salt added into the already gaping wound. The gaping wound that my parents had first sliced into me and had been gouged wider by Ron. My friends were all looking at me, waiting for me to explain, but I didn't want to feel their sympathy of their pitying glances. Being the strong one was my role. It was my job. I wasn't the weak girl who needed help. I wasn't the one who needed cared for.
Forcing the emotion from my face, I stood up, surprising the others with the swiftness of my movements. 'You know what it's fine. It's still my birthday and I intend to celebrate.'
'What do you want to do? Dinner? Drinks? Get pictures of Malfoy's face and throw little darts at it.'
As tempting as her third option truly was, I had a different idea. I wanted to forget everything that had happened that day. I wanted to forget about Ron choosing Lavender. I wanted to forget about my parents going back to Australia. I wanted to forget about detention. And I there was one way that I could that. I looked up a lot Ginny, forcing a smile to my face. 'I believe you mentioned something about a party.'
I couldn't stop giggling. But then I had just done a shot of gigglewater. I knew that I was veering quickly out of tipsy and firmly into drunk territory, but I didn't care. My body was buzzing, tingling with a happy glow. I felt free for the first time in ages.
As soon as I had mentioned the word party, Ginny had launched straight into planning mode. The boys had been ordered to go to Hogsmeade to stock up on drinks while the girls headed to the room of the requirement to get things organised. Then began the hours of getting ready. Ginny had ordered me to sit in a chair while she played both make up artist and hairdresser. After being prodded, primped, yanked and tugged I was finally ready. After she discounted every item of clothing that I owned, she ordered me into one of her dresses, a black dress with silver accents that would normally have been so far out of my comfort zone, but today, with everything that had happened, I couldn't find the energy to care that it was tight fitting, low in the back and only came to mid thigh. My only stipulation was sleeves and luckily it had them, a suitable covering for my scar.
The room of requirement looked good, with low lighting and couches along one wall. There was a make shift bar at one side that some of the boys were taking turns manning. Sean and Dean were taking their turn playing bartender, attempting to throw bottles to each other, something which I was finding hilarious.
That was until I heard a song that I knew. I didn't listen to a huge amount of wizarding music, but I recognised this one from the Yule ball. 'Let's dance,' I shouted to Ginny, dragging her behind me. There wasn't actually anyone dancing, but someone had to be first.
As Ginny and I moved to the music, I realised just how much I loved dancing. Why had I not done this before? How long has been since I just let myself go and have some fun? Soon the dance floor was packed, lights were flashing and I found myself dancing with a group of girls I wasn't entirely sure that I knew. I turned around, arms flailing, nearly hitting Dean in the face.
'Oops. Sorry, Dean. And how are you?' I asked, throwing my arms around his neck as if we were my best friend in the whole entire world.
He looked down at me and then commented with a smile, 'Hermione, girl you are wasted.'
I grinned up at him. 'I know. Isn't it great.'
He shook his head, smiling. 'Alright then.'
After a few more songs, I shouted the latest great idea to pop into my head. 'Let's do shots!'
'Hermione, don't you think you should slow down?' Ginny said into my ear.
'Nope! You wanted me to have fun and that is exactly what I intend to do.' I peeled away from her and headed to the bar which was now being manned by a Ravenclaw from the year below me. I pushed my way to the front.
'Two shots please. Let's try…'. I glanced over the rows of bottles, '-fireswhiskey.'
As I waited for him to pour the drinks, I heard a cheer sound from behind me. I turned around. Harry and Ron were back from their run to Hogsmeade for even more supplies. It had been clear early on that they hadn't brought enough, so they'd offered to go and get some more. I watched as they put some boxes near to the bar area, before they headed onto the dance floor. As soon as Ginny saw Harry, she launched herself at him, flinging her arms around his neck. He reached out his hands to her hips to steady himself, his body pressed into hers. He reached down and muttered something into her ear that made her smile.
Envy unlike anything I'd ever experienced around them slithered through my veins like a poisonous serpent. I was happy for them. I was. It was just that I wanted that too. I averted my gaze shifting away from them, landing on another couple. On Lavender and Ron. On Ron who had Lavender pressed up against the wall and was kissing her. The envy twisted, turning ugly, fuelled with frustration and anger.
I turned around to the two shots lined up in front of me. I guess Ginny wouldn't be needing one after all. I downed them one after the other, enjoying the feel of the burn as it slid down my throat, warming up the sudden empty chill I felt.
'What's the prettiest girl here, doing drinking alone?'
I looked up to find Cormac McLaggen, his lip quirked up as he looked at me. I'd been out with Cormac before for one disastrous date. At the time I'd been trying to make Ron jealous. He was tall, older and back at Hogwarts again so that he could finally get his NEWTs. In that moment I couldn't remember all of the many reasons why we had stopped at just one date, all I could see was his his face close to mine, the wave in his perfectly styled hair and the warm brown eyes that were staring at me with definite interest.
My eyes flicked involuntarily over his shoulder to the couples on the dance floor. I forced my eyes back to Cormac's, making my decision. 'Just waiting for someone to ask me dance.'
I saw the spark in his eyes and he took my hand leading me into the dance floor. Cormac was a good dancer. His hands held my hips as we moved to the music. As the beat went on I found myself pressing closer to his body, my arms winding up and around his neck. I could feel the heat of his body, seeping into mine. I wanted more of it. I wanted to feel something. Someone. How long had it been? How long had it been since someone had touched me with more than a passing graze? Needing more, I pressed myself further into him and his hands moved, running over the bare skin of my back, over my shoulders, down my arms, settling down low on my back. Very low.
We continued to move closer to one another until our mouths were inches apart. I looked first at his strong jaw, then his mouth and finally at his eyes. His head descended. I stood frozen as his lips met mine. That was until an image of Ron with Lavender popped into my head and I let my lips angrily part.
Cormac kissed me, his tongue pushing into my mouth and touching mine. It wasn't a bad kiss. Technically it was quite a good kiss, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was I felt nothing. Whatever that thing was that made Harry and Ginny sneak off together at every spare moment, that thing that has them shooting lust filled glances at each other just wasn't there. I had thought I had felt it once before. With Ron. But then maybe that had just been adrenaline, the thrill of surviving. But now, with Cormac, there was nothing.
I clutched to his shirt with my hands, pulling him closer to me, deepening the kiss. I tried to feel something, I swear I did, but I nearly cried out in frustration as that empty feeling remained.
Cormac felt it. The minute I gave up. But he didn't stop. He just pulled back slightly, but it didn't matter. It gave me enough time to pull away from him and mutter and apology before I ran from the room of requirement.
My tears were blinding me as I ran through the corridors, before I eventually gave up and slumped down against a cold, stone wall, wondering what was wrong with me. Wondering why everyone I loved seemed to be leaving me. Wondering if I was destined to be alone forever.