The shadow of death followed me close behind, accompanying my steps wherever my path led me to, ever since Father sent me here. But it's not my death that I fear; What I do fear is the departure of others, for I have to live on, contemplating their absence, while, for them, in death, nothing matters anymore. But I... I am left here with all the memories, with their faces haunting my vision whenever I close my eyes, with their unheard screams for help, and their bleeding hands pulling on my clothes, begging me to save them. The shadow of death pats me on my shoulder, whispering in my ear that more are to meet her scythe, and that, one day, even I might end up greeting it, like an old, tired friend of it.
Knowing mortality - It rips your soul out at first, but after some time, you don't feel anything anymore. The pain of losing so many becomes so suffocating, that your mind refuses to process what's truly happening, and severs its link to the heart, in order to protect you. But the worst thing of them all must be when your hand is the one to end their life. I'd know better.
*
It took me some time until I reached our hiding place; fortunately for me, the cave where his hideout was, happened to be in an area that I was familiar with, though the fog was quite dense, and while flying was safe, it wasn't as easy to see where you are all the time. Somehow, I did make it back. The guards stared at me in shock, probably finding it hard to believe that I returned home. They tried to murmur some words, but their voices stopped on the tips of their tongues.
Instead, they just backed away slowly from the gate, allowing me to pass and enter the fortress. The same looks I also got from the people who were inside, who were whispering and making room for me, the same way you'd avoid a person touched by an incurable illness. To be honest, I found it rather unsettling, but I didn't have the time to deal with whatever problems they might have with me. I was more interested in meeting up with the elders and get my answers. I was already uncomfortable with everyone acting weird around me when I saw a group of guards that were not really paying attention to their surroundings.
"Where's Ennyel?" I snapped at one of the guards. I gasped as the leftovers of poison triggered a pain inside of my chest, but it was gone as quickly as it appeared. He was stunned for a bit seeing me, and with a trembling voice, he managed to spell "The council room".
I regained my calm and thanked him, putting my hand on his shoulder to show him I mean no harm, and took the stairs up, stairs that were right on my left. In less than three minutes, I was in front of the doors that led to the room that I was looking for. I didn't bother with knocking to announce my presence, I straight up entered, pushing the heavy doors wide open, until the silhouettes of the elders appeared contouring in the penumbra. Ennyel was the first one to turn around, and his expression changed in a second to a displeased one the moment he saw me.
"We were convinced that we lost you, Shiray." His raspy voice cut through the silence like swords through flesh, and his lips faked a warm smile, pretending he was relieved that I didn't return to him as a corpse. Not this time, Ennyel. Not today.
"I bet you were", I replied, keeping my dignified position and the distance between us. The other Elders turned around too, and now they were all analyzing me, but they remained in silence, leaving Ennyel to be the one who does the talking.
"I can sense your sarcasm." He threw one more short-lived smile at me. "But you've been missing for a week. You might understand why we presumed that you are dead. We are just a little surprised that you've returned unharmed after such a long time." He sat down in his chair and united his hands in front of him, touching his chin with the tips of his fingers. Just then I realized that I didn't bother asking the nightwalker exactly for how long I've been unconscious, and I, for certain, didn't put much thought into it, because I didn't think that the poison was actually that strong.
Not for a moment did I suspected that I was captive for a whole week, without my people knowing anything about my wellbeing. Now I understood their distress and their panic. It was as if they've seen a ghost. Whenever we go somewhere, we are back to our sanctuary or send word to others in less than a day. If two days go by without any sign from the angel who went outside, most of the time it's because he is dead.
And I was gone for seven.
I bit my lip, and I felt my body tensing up, while my mind was trying to put pieces head to head. I'm pretty sure that Ennyel observed my troubled look, and the others might have too, so whatever lie I would tell, they won't trust me fully with it. So I decided to not try too hard.
"I've lost track of the time. I…"
"I'm sure you did." He cut it short. "Even though you are our best warrior, the outside world is a harsh environment for survival, especially when there are nightwalkers all over the place. And with a wound like the one you have on your shoulder, which, by the way, doesn't seem too recent, I'd say it's almost impossible to be alive. So, tell me, where have you been?" He was almost yelling at me right now, treating me as if I was nothing in his eyes - nothing more than trash, anyway. His superior attitude was irritating me, and my hate for him was definitely climbing another step to the top.
"I followed a rumor." My response was clear, and the tone of my voice was harsh, like the winter wind, and that seemed to intimidate him a little, because he let himself lay back in his chair, with his arms crossed at his chest.
"May I know what that rumor was?" He raised his left eyebrow in a sign of interest and pierced me with his stare. I sighed and told him what I wanted to tell him since the moment the night-walker revealed it to me.
"About a deal that you all made with the leader of the night-walkers. I think there was something about a monthly tax too. By any chance, do you know what I'm talking about?" My hand went to the handle of the sword, and I pulled it out a bit from the scabbard, just to let them know that I am not messing around with their lies.
He smiled.
"No need for threatening us. You would have found out about it eventually, so we have no reason to hide this any longer from you. Indeed, there is a deal put on the table, and we are talking about saying yes to it. We all agreed that it's for the best."
"Aren't you ashamed? It's not for the best; you are selling out your kind!" I screamed.
"I am saving it!" He jumped from the chair, prompting his hands on the table, and leaning forward, towards me. He pointed his index finger at me and yelled back at me, even louder than I did. "You have no right to teach us about pride and honor when you are the reason why we are here in the first place. You and the rest of the stupid angels who followed your command. Now you want to play the savior part? No one wants you to do it!"
I felt the weight of the whole world collapsing on my shoulders, crushing me as if I was an ant, meaningless and powerless, unable to rise against my sealed fate; unable to find my redemption. I never saw myself as a savior; all I ever wanted was to atone for my sins and give back to my people what I've stolen from them. I wanted to give them back their lives.
"I can't let you do this."
"I talked to the leaders of the other clans, Shiray. We all agreed that this is the best solution to our extinction. The angels won't say no to it and you know it. You are all alone. Alone and against everyone. Now all you can do is watch the inevitable when it happens. What can I say, only more consequences of your choices."
That actually hurt. I took a step back and I felt tears running down my cheeks, from all the pain, stress, and tiredness that I was under. I was aware of all the things that I did, but this was not on me, and I won't allow them the pass the blame. This was not a consequence, but it was their choice. They were consciously choosing the destiny of all our people, claiming to be forced to make this decision, but, in fact, they were only abusing their position of power. They would be safe from everything; no one would sacrifice them, their lives would be priceless because they were the protectors, the leaders, the saviors.
And I lost it. I don't know exactly what force made me do that, but I drew my sword out and plunged towards Ennyel, ending up with the tip of the sword pointing at his throat, millimeters away from taking his life. He didn't even flinch, but, instead, continued to look me in the eye, defiantly, trying to prove to me that I have no power over him and that he isn't scared of me.
"You can't do it and we both know it. You always were the most righteous of us all."
And he was right, though I wanted him dead, how could I kill in cold blood one of my own? My hand was trembling, and the sword was barely scratching his skin, leaving thin lines of blood rise, but nothing that could hurt him seriously. Suddenly, he pushed my sword away with his hand, and then he put the same hand up in the air.
"I vote for exile."
That's when I realized what I've done. I fell for it, right into his trap. He wanted me to lose my temper and give him a reason to vote for exile. That's what he was waiting for all this time. That's why he never killed me because he knew it would be more painful for me to be forced to leave behind the only family I've ever had. His punishment was to deny me any chance to pay for my mistakes, and, instead, live a life of agony in the purgatory of my thoughts. I dropped my sword, and I felt a wave of dizziness hit me.
"You can't…" I whispered.
I looked at the other Elders and they too raised their hands, supporting Ennyel's vote for exile. I've been in a trance for so long, that I forgot they can actually do this; I don't even remember the last time it happened. More, I couldn't comprehend that they would be capable of doing this to a brother of theirs.
"Your judgment represents a high danger to our society. From now on, no one is allowed to help you, or to even acknowledge your existence – not from this place, and not from other clans – or he will suffer the same fate. From now on, you are as dead as the corpses on the battlefield. I will give you one hour to pack your stuff and leave."
**Before the fall**
"What have you done?" She grabbed my arm with brutality and turned me around to face her. I don't think I've ever seen her like this, angry, a mess, her eyes were red from crying. She looked as if she wasn't in her right mind.
"I helped", I answered, trying to touch her, but she pulled back, avoiding my hand.
"We can't interfere in their wars. You could've died."I could sense the change of color in her voice, how her usually confident self was now shaken and unsure of the life that we were living. She too was questioning Father's rules.
"He was going to torture her child in front of her. How could I stand by and watch all that happen? She was begging him to torture her instead, but let her child live. Tell me how can you not be compassionate about that?"
"But I am, we all are."
"And yet, you choose to do nothing. This is not a war, this is an execution. They are in pain."I was feeling so many mixed emotions that I never thought I could feel as if I managed to break the walls that kept away everything real but forbidden, and now I was overwhelmed by all that I've discovered: Sorrow for my blade met its first kill, disgust, and shame because I was able to take that life without hesitation, relief because I saved another. I felt so… Alive.
"And they will find their peace in Heaven."
"I have doubts that Heaven is the one thing they are longing for."
I grabbed my sword and wanted to leave the room, but she blocked my way, even more, upset than when she came in.
"Where are you going again?"
I caressed her cheek, just a quick touch, like brushing something off of it, and then let my arm fall alongside my body. But for me, that gesture was more than a simple act. It meant letting go of every hope that I had, it meant letting her go.
"To kill the executioner", I replied.
I pushed her aside, without feeling any resistance from her part, and kept going forward without looking back at her, without knowing if I'll ever see her green eyes again - at least, not in this life - but I was somehow at peace with myself because I was going to do the one thing that I've always believed in Justice.
I tried so hard to have trust in what Father thought us – that life must follow its own course, good or bad, that I almost tricked myself into believing that I can live like this, being only a spectator. But being the obedient child consumed my soul a little bit each day until I became a shadow of myself, ashamed of our ignorance and our ways; until guilt made me pick up my arms and follow the humans into battle.
"Return to me. When you will find your peace, return to me", I heard her voice dying with every step that took me further away from the arms of My Father.
***After the fall***
As they passed their verdict, the elders exited the room one by one, until only I and Ennyel were left behind, between the four walls of the cold chamber. I wiped my tears off on the back of my hand and regained my composure, but the fire inside of me was burning stronger than ever did. I knew that he was far from being over; I could not live with myself if I'd leave things to be the mess that they were at this moment.
We were quiet for some time, just looking into space, both of us probably lost in our thoughts. He's the one who dismissed the stillness of our bodies and voices.
"You know, Shiray… After the fall, I remembered everything. I was aware of the fact that it was YOU, and ever since then, I hated you. Not because you betrayed God, not because you betrayed all of us. I resented you for my fate. I blamed you for what you did to me. Selfish, you might say. But losing your whole life in a moment can change you in the strangest ways." He made a pause and poured some wine into one of the cups that were on the table, in front of him. That reminded me that I rarely saw him drink. "And I am not the only one who feels this way about you."
The raspiness in his voice disappeared, turning into a sorrowful accounting of how emotionally broken he was, and how he saw me as the only culprit for that.
I understood that. I even felt bad for him.
"I never asked them to follow the path that I chose", I said more to myself, than for him to hear.
"Yet, they did. Why did they follow you, Shiray? What did they see in you, that made them give up the paradise they had? I keep asking myself this question, though I can never come up with an answer. And most importantly…Why did God created you? Could He really not foresee all the pain that you'd eventually cause?" He wouldn't even look at me; instead, he was staring at his own distorted reflection in the wine, searching for all the things that he wouldn't find in there.
I have to admit, that last question got stuck in my mind. Why did Father create me? No. Why did he make me different than the others? I bowed my head, sort of ashamed, and made my decision. I had to go; it was for the best.
"I might have misjudged you, Ennyel. I will take my leave now."
He remained dead silent, as I walked out.
****
When I got to my room, the door was wide open. Half of my clothes and things were already packed. "This is what happens when you die for a few days", I've thought to myself and chuckled. I sat on the side of my bed, and looked around, trying to see if there is something that I really need, or I might as well leave empty-handed. Instead of that, I realized that I'm going to miss this place. The bed which stood witness to my many nightmares; the window from which I'd stare at the night sky, counting the stars and the moons; the walls which swallowed my screams for years. My home. I wondered if I'll ever see it again.
"Shiray…"
The ghost of her voice.
I'm leaving you too behind.
And while I'm doing that, I pray inside of me that you will be able to forgive me for all the mistakes that I'm going to make. For the end that I may possibly bring to everything that's alive. Forgive me for all.