"I'm sorry", I said. "I am so sorry; I don't know why I did it. I'm so sorry, my love. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." I kept repeating over and over again while trying to find her in the emptiness of the dark. Instead of her hand, it's his hand that found me in my confusion.
"It's ok. She's not there. Come hold my hand". His voice was soft and, maybe, a little broken too. "I am truly sorry for your loss. I shouldn't have brought you here." He continued.
"Now you suddenly care?" I said, with tears running down my face.
"I am quite a horrible person, but I would never put someone through the loss of a loved one all over again. I know very well how that feels. I lost someone too. And I loved her too."
He wasn't lying. He hid his face away, slightly ashamed, perhaps understanding that some limits should never be crossed. But the image of the monsters hidden inside wouldn't leave me. The rage was only growing, and not even his compassion could stop the disaster that was about to start.
The wolf wind began howling, and a strong chill encompassed the dark corridors of the cave. The blue of my eyes once again revealed their glow, as the whole place started trembling. The walls were shaking off their stone, and the ground shattered as its earth became air. Blue markings began to appear on my arms and on my face, as the mimics were crying in the distance. I couldn't control it. I wanted them gone.
"What's happening, angel?" I heard him ask, though I really had no answer for him.
"Quid erit nisi terra,
Quid est homo fit mortem,
Tenebris creaturae Dei
Venit finis tuus inveniet"
(What's earth becomes nothing,
What's human becomes death,
Creatures of darkness
Come find your end)
The crying became louder, as the mimics were forced to show themselves. They didn't look the way I expected them to. I imagined them monstrous, not fragile little things. They were small bipedal creatures, looking like some furless dogs, with their long front limbs almost touching the ground. Their eyes had only a bright yellow eyeball, burning like lanterns in the night, no white surrounding it. But their screams. Oh, their screams were the frightening detail about them. Piercing your ear, until reaching your mind, breaking it into little pieces that would take years to put back together. They were trying to get closer to us, to attack us, to devour our flesh and soul.
"Quid erit nisi terra,
Quid est homo fit mortem,
Tenebris creaturae Dei
Venit finis tuus inveniet"
I repeated the words. Their flesh began to ignite in places, embracing more and more of their being, trying to burn their whole existence into nothing. Some began to roll on the ground, hoping to put out the inner fire that they could not stop, others began to bite wildly from their bodies, leaving behind them burnt pieces of meat, which disintegrated seconds later. However, some were still advancing bravely, running their tongues over their raw snouts in anticipation, sniffing the air around them.
"Quid erit nisi terra,
Quid est homo fit mortem,
Tenebris creaturae Dei
Venit finis tuus inveniet"
And again. The mimics burst into flames, their blood leaving their deformed bodies like rivers in the west, bloody and wild. They were still crawling to reach us, the ambition to possess us was so great, yet even the inevitable death did not seem to stop them. Hunger can make many of the soul of the pure, but of those cases in the embrace of darkness?
Their organs fell from their bodies with every step they took towards us, but they either did not feel the pain or chose to ignore it. They became more and more deformed and grotesque, but they had only one goal, and that was to exterminate their enemies and quench their hunger aggravated by the centuries that passed over them.
"You are going to kill them all! Stop! We need one alive!" The nightwalker yelled. "Just save one!"
I felt his arms embrace me and pull me towards him, squeezing harder and harder. His breath along my neck. His cold skin clung to my warm skin. I missed that. I miss her.
"Calm down." He whispered to me. "Calm down. That's not why I chose you."
I didn't feel hate. I felt pain, a pain that tore me from the inside, making its way to the outside world, taking care to drown everything in its path: the other angels, the mimics, the nightwalkers, the humans, me. I was drowning the whole Universe in my pain and I would do it again and again if only I could bring her back.
I stopped. He let go of me. The mimics all fell exhausted, almost dead, consumed by the wave of destruction. They dug the ground with their claws, hoping to reduce the distance between us, but their powers began to leave them one by one.
Maybe it wasn't the poison that was to blame for the lack of control over what I was, maybe it was always there, ready to show its face at the right time when I am willing to give up everything I was taught. To give up the humanity I always felt I had. When I'm ready to embrace my monsters.
"Choose one", I said.
He left my side and walked over to one of the mimics who seemed to be holding his breath. I stood still, just watched him. The nightwalker took a string from his coat pocket to tie the creature, then picked it up as if it were a flake and, taking a bag out of another pocket, stuffed it in there. Calm. Casual. As if he had done this countless times.
"You know... It's already weird that I found out what a mimic sounds like. I didn't expect to see them. You're quite something little angel, aren't you?"
"You aren't going to ask?" I replied.
"I've heard stories. Seeing a dead loved one is the most common delusion they use on people. Because a broken heart is a soft one, even if it wants to look like it's made of stone. You're hurt. And, just sometimes, it's ok to be hurt."
He didn't seem sarcastic. I could tell he was even trying to comfort me. But looking at the massacre I had committed, I knew that I would not find peace in anything I heard. Most of the mimics had taken their last breath, their wounds being too severe to stand a chance. I knew they were creatures of darkness, but it had been a one-sided fight, I hadn't been fair, and that made me feel like an assassin. A cold-blooded killer. Maybe that's all that I am. Maybe that's what God made me.
"What I did to them…"
"We all did at some point. You saved us." He gently patted me on my shoulder, reaching me in two steps.
"I came to their house and killed them," I said.
"Or you set them free. Imagine spending centuries sealed in a cave, starving to death. You wouldn't want that on anyone"
I smiled with sadness, and he smiled back.
"Come on. Let's get out of here", he continued.
*
It was evening. Apparently, from what the nightwalker had said, time passed differently in the presence of the mimics, so what seemed like five minutes could be five hours. Their abilities to control minds extended to the details of the time. He had chosen a clearing, where, he said, there was no nightwalker smell in the area, so we were safe to rest.
The fire was smoldering, and the sky was so clear that I could see the smallest stars shining in the distance.
"Are you feeling better?" He asked.
"I miss being up there, seeing the sunsets and the sunrises, before anyone else did."
I don't know why I told him that. I don't know why I felt the need to tell him that. He was the enemy; we weren't two friends telling each other what was wrong. Maybe I missed talking to someone. I was a stranger among the angels; I was a stranger to everyone. Somehow, we had all become enemies to each other, and each stirred only for his soul.
"I miss being shadow hunters, not murders known to everyone. I didn't want this war. I didn't want any of this", he said in response. He put his head in his hands and let out a long sigh. "I'm Zaras. My name is Zaras. We didn't get the chance to introduce ourselves properly."
"That's because you kidnapped me when you first met me", I replied.
"I was never good at making a good first impression", he laughed.
"Shiray", I said quietly. "Your sworn enemy."
He smiled. Even his blue eyes smiled this time. Maybe he wasn't pure evil.
"Who did you lose.."
"What are you going to do with the mimic?" I interrupted him. I wasn't going to talk about her, especially not with him. She was like a precious memory that I was afraid I might lose if I talked about it with the wrong person. She was mine, and mine only.
"I understand." He did not insist, probably also having a person he was afraid to talk about, because of the thought that he might lose her. I saw it in his eyes, in that turbulent blue, that he understood. Needless to say, I understood that the pain, somewhere, was the same. Loss was for both of us. "There's a woman, not exactly a friend of mine, but she is capable. You may have heard of her. Her name is Asra, and…"
"Asra, the collector", I grabbed my head in my hands and shook it, unable to believe I heard that name. "She collected my people too."
"And mine", he said in addition. "But she can help us. She knows things, and she's a blood witch. Maybe she can use the blood of your kind to find the ancients."
"We cannot trust her. I cannot trust her. If she sees my wings or if she finds out anything about my powers… The things she might do." I was afraid. Rumors about Asra and her passion for collecting people, creatures, myths, had often reached our ears. Numerous angels had disappeared in areas where her army was making its mark. And the rumors were not only about the collection but also about the experiments she did on the breeds she captured, about the pain she loved to inflict on others. She was a bad omen.
"I have a thing with her, ok? Not in a romantic way, but she won't harm you. I know I am asking you a lot, but we need to think of our goal. She can help."
I had already trusted him more than I should have, and that had almost killed me. Was I willing to take another risk? Should I take another risk for the people who drove me away? I owe it to them. But do they deserve it? Can I wash away our shame through my sacrifice?
"Think about it. I won't force you, just like I didn't force you before. But we both know what your choice will be", he calmly replied.
"Them. My choice will be them." Somewhere, inside, I felt that I would have wanted another route, another choice, another life, but since we had fallen to the ground, everything I did was for them. I didn't know how to live differently. Guilt does not let you die, but you do not live either, you just hang in a balance at the mercy of others. And the mistakes of others only deepen your guilt even more, because it was your previous mistake that generated the rest of the mistakes.
"Sometimes, I just think that God made an error when he created me. I am not human, I am no longer an angel, I was never a savior, yet, you could call me the end. The end of my world."
"Wrong thoughts, Shiray. You were hope. You still are."
I looked at him and saw the most sincere expression I could ever see. There was no smirk, there was no sarcasm in his voice, just... Sincerity.
"I saw you." He continued. "When you first descended, I was there, being a witness to Heaven's power. I watched you saving that family, and even though you murdered one of my own, at that very moment, I thought that you were the most beautiful thing I've ever laid my eyes upon. You may have ruined everything for your family, but to that woman... You were hope. And you were hope to me. At that very moment, I knew you were the answer."