Lia
Paris, France 2010
July Seventeenth. It was one of those days of summer where heat rained down on the city like the breath of hell. The atmosphere was thick with heavy layers of humidity and an abundance of heat waves that lurked in the shadows of busy Parisian streets. The sun's message was loud and clear- summer just checked-in to town and the heat wasn't going away anytime soon. I knew sight-seeing was a bad idea in the weather, but I needed the walk, so a sweat bath was a price I was ready to pay.
The small vintage alarm on the bedside read nine o'clock and I was still in bed, safely encased under the tight embrace of Kane's powerful arms. On second thought, forget the walk. I didn't want to leave. I loved the way he smelled, citrusy and masculine. His scent was like a powerful drug- once consumed, there's no going back because nothing will ever be able to replace it.
I wanted to look at him, to run my hands through the black silks of his tousled hair, but I couldn't. My back was firmly pressed against his chest, his right hand circling my tiny frame while securing me beneath the heat of his locked embrace. Judging by the peaceful rhythm of his breathing, I knew he was fast asleep. The crook of my neck felt ticklish from soundless breaths that softly caressed my skin, and waking up to him finding solace in my company was undoubtedly the greatest blessing I'd ever receive.
I slowly began to shift my weight to the side, struggling beneath the weight of his arm so that I could finally face him. He stirred gently at the sudden movement on my part, and I froze, holding my breath in worry that I had woken him. A soft groan escaped his mouth and his grip tightened around my body. I laid absolutely still, letting him drag me closer while watching him yet again succumb to sleep.
I slowly released the breath I was holding, and gently ran my fingers through his hair. Kane wasn't just beautiful, he was perfection. His exterior by nature was to be unparalleled to that of any being- a trait which earned him the submission of any woman, and I was no exception. I didn't mind the inferiority I was when compared to him, because I was his. And after all, he was my everything...
Everything? Not for long he won't be... whispered the little devil inside me.
I hate her, that little snake! The fact that my twisted brain sheltered her presence made me sick. She lived in the shadows of my mind; feeding on my thoughts- always watching, learning, and mocking me. She knew everything, sometimes a lot better than me since emotions didn't cloud her judgement like mine did. She was my darkness.
'Everybody has darkness. Learning to conquer it is what life is all about' my grandmother once said.
How can I fight mine if that's what keeps me alive?
I wanted to ask her. But like most things in my unfortunate life, fate snatched her away from me before I could even say goodbye.
Laying in bed wasn't doing me any good, neither was drifting back to my past. A little walk down the streets was what I needed to cool off. With that thought in my head, I slowly freed myself from Kane, planted a kiss on his forehead and hit the shower, all the while being very careful not to wake him.
***
It was half-past nine when I left our small hotel room and exited the Union. I left a small note for Kane, promising my safe return within an hour. It didn't take long for my skin to glisten under the vibrant sun as beads of sweat found their way down my chest. My neck felt damp and constant itching, courtesy of the July heat, served as a reminder for the inevitable rashes that were yet to mark my sun-kissed skin. The heat was no joke, and yet this was the season where Paris celebrated two months of sun, romance, and tourists with deep pockets.
I took a stroll down the western tip of Ile dela Cite where Place Dauphine came into the view. The public square stood proudly with its quintessential Parisian buildings, art galleries, and cafes; its atmosphere an authentic echo of tranquillity. Only in broad day-light can one truly appreciate Paris for its architectural chef-d'oeuvre.
My appreciation was shortly interrupted by a familiar loud growl. I was hungry and my stomach demanded food. I purposely avoided breakfast because I didn't want to eat without Kane. Since he showed no sign of waking up anytime soon, I ignored the matter altogether. But now I needed food ASAP before my stomach goes haywire and ruins my morning.
I looked around, hoping for a quick solution, and spotted various lavish-looking cafes. The only problem was- I didn't speak French, at least not fluently. Bonjour, amour, oui, and merci were my only weapons in that area, so placing an order was way out of my league. Kane was a natural when it came to that stuff. He was multilinguistic, whereas I spoke only English. My stomach wasn't taking no for an answer, and I hated been dependent, even if that was on Kane. I wanted a coffee and I was going to have to get it myself.
Looking around back and forth, I decided on one of the cafes which occupied the corner. It gave off modern vibes compared to the rest, so I was hoping it would be a little less traditional and hopefully non-French. To my absolute delight, the French lady on the counter understood me. She spoke in heavily accented English which reflected her experience with clueless tourists such as myself. I happily placed my order for a cup of coffee and made the payment as relief flooded my mind.
Thank god...You didn't embarrass us over a cup of coffee
Yes, thank god indeed. That was not a memory I wanted to take with me when we leave for Rio tomorrow.
After a few minutes of wondering about, mainly to finish my coffee and trying to find my way through the place, I was standing in front of the oldest standing bridge of Paris, Pont Neuf. Once again the delicacy of French architecture stunned my mind to silence, daring me to think about anything but its beauty. I was in love with a bridge. As a former historian, I could feel drawn to the little details of its construction, history, and place above the renowned river Seine.
Get a grip! That's not why you're here.
The cold, menacing voice cut through my thoughts like a hard slap to the face and dragged me back to reality. That's right. I wanted the walk to think things through. I didn't have much time before Kane comes looking for me. The moment he sees me, I'll be vulnerable, and he'll see right through me.
No! I couldn't afford that, never.
I walked towards the bridge and crossed the Seine in silence.
Kane said Paris was safe because too many tourists meant too many scents- a perfect getaway. My aura was buried under countless human scents which made it nearly impossible for anyone to single me out for a while. Three days here was to buy us the time we needed to erase our trail and disappear, again.
But for how long?
How long can we last until finally I'm caught?
I didn't care about what it would mean for me, but for Kane...He didn't deserve this. As much as I hated to admit it, he didn't belong here. Not with me. Not like this. I selfishly dragged him down from his rightful place and trapped him in my own hell.
I loved him. I loved him unconditionally. There was not a single cell in my body that would say otherwise, but that doesn't erase the fact that I'm using him to protect myself.
I couldn't do that, not anymore.
Every second with him is torture. All the blood, the sacrifices, and the broken rules daggered at my heart, threatening to tear me apart inside-out every single time I caught his silver eyes. Above all, the truth was my real agony, my fatal darkness, my mortal sin.
He'll never know...Nobody will...only you and me...Always you and me. He's yours and you're his...He's our only salvation...
A humourless laughed escaped my lips as the truth dawned on me, thanks to the little snake.
'He'll never be mine, would he?' I asked her, knowing the truth despite the pain she had flared inside me.
***
I slowly walked across the riverbank, taking in the view, my face as still as a stone. I stopped in front of a vendor to buy a bottle of water when a familiar citrus scent overwhelmed my senses followed by two strong arms that cocooned me from behind.
'Good morning' I couldn't help the small cheeky smile that always broke out involuntarily whenever he was around.
'Morning beautiful' He replied, planting a kiss on my hair. His voice was husky with a seductive edge and the raspiness of his tone reached ten folds whenever he tried to speak with sleep still lingering around him. Just his voice was enough to drive me insane.
And you want to let him go? He belongs to us...
This time he turned me around to face him and kissed my forehead, taking my momentarily distraction to slowly snitch the chilled bottle from my hand. I laughed and reached for the bottle, but he was fast. He quickly stepped away from me and drowned the contents in a matter of seconds before flinging the bottle smoothly towards the direction of the trashcan that was five feet away.
How very typical of him to drink my water instead of buying his own. Not that it mattered but he always ate my food, knowing I was very sensitive when it comes to sharing. It was his way of breaking down my boundaries. And because he was the love of my life, it worked.
A playful smile spread across his features as he flung his arm around and drew me closer. Like always, I naturally gave in to his warmth, and together we walked across the riverbank like all the other tourist couples in love.
'Now now, what's going on inside that beautiful head of yours? Care to share?'
I stiffened. He knew. He always did. I thought I hid it well. I practised all morning to keep my thoughts at bay so he wouldn't figure out that something was up.
In the spirit of my massive failure, I lied. "I don't want to leave."
At that, his body went rigid. Deep down, I knew it would. That was the only topic I could use to keep him out of my head. I expected him to be furious, even bothered. But surprisingly, his face softened, starring angelic features that could render any woman defenceless. A few gasps and muffled awe escaped from female tourists passing by, which heightened my possessiveness. I shifted sides, so he was walking parallel to the river, and I was in the line of direct sight instead of him.
'You know we can't do that. Its too risky. We have to leave before its too late.' He finally said, drawing me closer.
"I know... I just wanted to say it out loud. At least once. I hate putting down roots. This way it feels like a never-ending honeymoon. I don't care anywhere as long as you are with me."
I felt his silver eyes on me for a long minute before he replied with a simple, yet heart-shattering, 'I love you.'
I broke. I broke into a million pieces. Tears began pooling in my eyes as my vision clouded. I freed myself from his arms and took a step to my right so that my sorrowful face filled his view. A narrower set of silver perfection examined every inch of my face as worry and confusion crossed his features. He slowly reached out to touch my face, but I stepped back, evading his touch. Hurt flashed in his gorgeous eyes followed by confusion.
'What's wrong beautiful?'
What's not wrong? I wanted to ask him. But I didn't. Instead, I gave him the biggest smile I could muster and jumped on him with both arms open. He was too tall and too big for me to cover even with both my hands, but my gesture somewhat calmed him. I could feel the tension leaving his body as mine exploded into fireworks from the contact. He lit me on fire, igniting me with sparks of passion and burning me with the heat of guilt.
'Shall we stay out all day and watch the sunset?' I asked, feeling his hands tugging me closer.
'That's a given.'
***
We walked around the city all day hand-in-hand, visiting every tourist hotspot nearby. Even though Kane felt the shift in my mood earlier, he didn't press me for answers. That's one reason why I loved him. He gave me space.
I devoured every second with him, enjoying the tiny sparks that lit me up inside out wherever our skins brushed. Sometimes we hid under solitary corners, seeking the privacy offered by its shadows to indulge in our little intimate thoughts, away from the prying eyes of curious onlookers. Only then he loaded me with hungry, fervour, and demanding kisses that left me both breathless and needing more. We also stopped by countless restaurants and French bakeries, where he made me eat dozens of freshly baked baguettes and macarons until my stomach protested.
Letting him go will kill us!
Yes. But it's better than him dying when he realizes the truth.
NO! You stupid bitch! You're just signing yourself a death sentence. He will KI...
I shut her out before she finished her sentence.
The sentence.
If anything held me back from letting Kane go, it was those words. I can't chicken out. Not now. Not after coming all this way.
I loved him, and tonight I was going to prove it.
***
A beautiful day came to an end. Up above, the sky spoke in a thousand colours as it slowly painted itself black to welcome the moon and its stars. The Eiffel tower lay a few streets down from where we were, projecting its metallic structure towards the sky, bathing under the radiant glow of moonlit showers I was exhausted from all the walking, and what's yet to come drowned me in a pool misery.
The last day of my happiness...
I looked up to find Kane looking directly at me. We had stopped by a small park to rest my now swollen feet. My head was in his lap as his left hand brushed my blonde hair in gentle strokes. He looked happy. I could see satisfaction, peace, and bliss reflected on the crystalline silvers of his breath-taking eyes.
I didn't want to take them away, but I had to.
I slowly stood up and turned towards him. "Kane, can you get me something to eat? I'm hungry"
He chuckled. He probably found my occasional need to eat something annoying. But I couldn't help it. I was human for now. And on several occasions a day, this body demanded food.
But not this instance. This was good-bye.
'Absolutely. Anything specific? You know I'm not very resourceful when it comes to human food.'
'A croissant will do. Wait! Make that two'
He laughed as he got up, dusting crumbs of grass off his trousers. I studied every single movement, committing it to memory, given it will be the last time I'd see him.
Once up, he flashed me a playful grin. A promise. He was going to make me pay back this little favour, with interest, I'm sure because Kane was nothing if not a perfect debt collector.
Little did he know, I'll be paying a lot more.
This was it. This was good-bye. My heart shattered. Tears threatened to flood my face, but I forced them in. Not now. You'll have forever to do that, crying. With every step he took away from me, a new kind of pain roared to life, scarring me mercilessly from inside. I couldn't feel my body, every limb stood very still, lifeless without his touch. A deep yearning echoed louder through my heartbreak. Every single cell in my body wanted to shut-down. The pain was too much.
I... I a.. I am..ss...strr...strong.
No. You are weak. You're breaking down like a pathetic human.
Give me strength. I beg you...Plsss.... plssss.... please...Give me the strength to tell him good-bye.
He was a good few meters away from me when I focused the last bit of strength I had left in me to shout his name. I didn't need to scream. He would have heard me even if I whispered his name. But I wanted to shout. That way he'd remember me, that way I could be human.
'KANE!!!!!!'
He turned. Fear alarming his entire body.
He thought I was in trouble...
'I LOVE YOU' I half screamed, half cried while standing my ground with both arms waving on top of my head, forcing a fake smile through my teeth, my final good-bye.
Relief marred his angelic face as a huge smile broke through, followed by a flying kiss in my direction. Then he turned his back to me and ran forward, disappearing into the crowd, disappearing from my life.
'Farewell, my love' I whispered with hot fresh tears streaming down my bare face, hoping that amidst all the rush, buzz, and clatter, he would hear my sincere good-bye.
Now was the time for me to disappear, forever.
Why? Our deception was flawless. You! You were finally happy!!! So why?!?
'Because I'm not her.' I slowly wiped my tears with the back of my hand, regaining my composure. Running away without him noticing was going to take a lot. Grief had to wait. I prayed to the stars as the truth gave me power.
What?!
'I'm not the girl he's in love with.' I whispered.