John look Sammy bring a cute little baby clothes towards me, it pink again, Sam, I know, I know the doctor told us it was a boy, but I have a feeling it could be a girl, let take it baby in case we never know, fine, but trust me it a boy, her happy little dance around the shopping mall, could bring so much attention but fuck it, if it doesn't make me feel happy, every time I look at her, I never wanted that feeling to go away, she brings light to my darkness, how come a pure soul could love such a demonic creature like me, if only she knows the type of person I am, she would run away, but through it all she never leaves my side. And just like she predicted it was a girl, a healthy little girl, with her brother covering her whole existence, my babies, a part of me and Sammy, how can I ever love such a beautiful soul as them.
And just like always my demons found themselves alone with me again, and ruin my life all over again.
I can't believe I let myself fall this deep into that cycle of self destruction, I can't believe I let myself get through this phase of hurting again, I hate my father for being a monster, but yet I turn exactly like he predicted it, how can I hurt someone like Sammy, how can I hurt my kids, I love them, that what I keep on saying for a while now, if I ever did love them I wouldn't never hurt them the way I did, so this couldn't be love, love is faithfulness and am no longer one, but why can't I stop loving them the way I do, why do I stuck with Kathy that long.
She's not to blame, I am, I am marry not her, I made the vow not her, so why should I blame her, I hate myself for sleeping with her, but yet I still do it again, how can I love someone yet still feel sexual towards another, I care for Kate but Sammy is different, she is all that I have.
With no mother or father, and no one to turn to, she is all that I know, why am I so stupid, I know why because I am my father son, I mean come on, my mother decided to rather die then be around me, that how much I brought to much resentment towards her, she chooses death over her own son.
Being a Russian is hard, being a Russian mafia background that a problem itself, my whole life is a lie, I built myself up with a lie, my marriage also is a lie, because the real me John Maldrum Patrov is a nightmare, I was built to kill, I was born out of rape, I was 7 yrs old when I had my first kill, I enjoyed being a person nightmare, but when I walk away from it all, after killing my father and his right hand I thought it was good to kill my old self and built a new one.
But when there is to much blood on your hands, it hard to escape from that, I shelter myself inside of Samantha, since the first day I lay my eyes upon her, I know I have to make her my, so I accept all of those humiliation from her family members to be able to be safe from my own thoughts, but sometimes the demons only stay asleep for a while, and when it wake up it time to collect their reward.
Kathy bring so much of my past since the day I hired her to work for me, but sometimes you want to taste the blood of your own soul to see of it change it mind, I know my heart never will beat for another but Kat reopened something in me that am afraid wouldn't back down.
I enjoy pain, back in my days sex with woman was always painful, I was a sexual active person since I was 12 yrs old, and mostly the prostitute my dad brought me are demons that enjoy leaving marks upon me, I was afraid but as I grow older I enjoy being able to bring fears upon them, so being a sexual predator that I am I prey on my victims brutally.
I even kill one of them when I was 17 yrs old, it was something terrifying but yet so delightful to me, the fear that brings upon them, brings me joy.
But since the moment my Sammy walks her way into my heart, I erase it all for her, I couldn't and wouldn't not bring her into my deep darkness, sometimes I do want to let her in, but my fear of losing her kill me more so I swallow it all, let it all burn deep into the depths of my mind.
But Kathy she knows, she can read it all through me, she knows what I am without asking after all both of our worlds build on darkness, when darkness meets with each others there no escape, it like an euphoria, it feeds on our soul, that how it lived.
So I allowed her in, I let her meet with my past, and let a future that I built ruined.
I wanted to hate her, fuck that I wanted her death but why, I play part of it, so tonight I will make her night, I will let her go, because I ruin it all for her to, I own her that much, but one thing I promise myself I won't let her in anymore, not ever, this chapter is forever close, she will stay in my darkness because that how we built that relationship we had, I will let her go, but if she ever crosses me ever again it will be her last.
I don't know what I will do, but one thing I do know is am ready for it all, am ready to face the wrath of my wife and kids, her whole family, I see Mike calling me, I know it all of his wife doing, but I do own her that much, because if I have to lay in the hospital to get Samantha Patricia Evans to come see me fuck yeah, I will, because if she give me that chance I will never let her slip away again.
Am thinking of piercings my dick, yes built a new one, because this time am fucking her differently, I hold to much and I end up sharing what hers with someone else, someone that shouldn't even earn it but it already happened, I just need to deal with my consequences.
My poor babies John what the fuck have you done.