After keeping my promise to Kathy, I decided to make things right not only for myself but for my children's as well, they deserve an explanation from me, I fuck up so bad and I don't know where to even begin with it all, I wish that I could undo everything but it already happened and there no running around it anymore, I need to face my consequences and I know I have a lot of people I need to face right now, so I took the earliest fly to LA that I could find, when you have money there a lot of things you can get out from, and standing here in front of my wife childhood home brings a fear I didn't even know I possessed.
Watching it all unfolding in-front of me is unbearable, my boy was never an emotional kids, but seeing him cry break something inside of me, knowing I am the reason for his pain, so I let him cry it out for me, I want to consume it all, let me carry all this burden am use to it all, I hug them like it was my lifetime and I don't want to let them go, knowing this is the beginning of my journey of healing they broken heart, I will start to let them give me all of those pain, because if am dying today I want to have it all with me, but the look on Sammy Face is enough to bring me into my knees, I never see someone so broken hearted like this no one ever care enough for me to feel this way, and I never want to make anyone feel that way, but yet I broken the heart of the only person that ever did.
She walk pass me like I wasn't worth her time, ouch can't lie shit hurt like hell.
I would of taken that slap, she was about to give me but see how her face turns blank as if I wasn't worth her energy, destroyed me even worse, what did you expect John my conscience scream at me, you cheated remember, fuck I hate this, my heart can't take it anymore, but what about hers I walk all over it, so I need to learn to suck it up, because if she ever wants to be back into my life again I need to earn every bit of it, because I know am not worthy of her love anymore, and that what hurt the most, I have it all, and wasted all away, so now I need to earn it back.
I turn to look at my sister in law, Jaz, she shake her head and told me to follow her inside, both of the kids holding into my neck so tightly that it hurts but fuck it all, let them shock me to death, at least that will get there mother attention, I need to stay focused, walking inside this house feels like it judgment day, the house so quiet, so I know her folks not home yet, I put the kids down, standing in the middle of the house, I remember the first time Sammy take me here, nothing changed at all, the only things added are the kids pictures, seriously those old folks got to let go those habit, the house look like a museum, so much pictures, am glad that some of my still here, consider of what happened.
John, I hear Jaz called out to me, it dinner time we didn't know you was coming do you want some food, Sammy was walking down the stairs, toward the dinner room, I really shouldn't be here, but if it mean to have a moment of staring at her, I wouldn't mind at all, and be around my children I take it any chances I can get, Mommy the kids call out to her, daddy want to stay for dinner can he stay please they ask her, she look at me as if I was some sort of deceased she's trying to get away from, she rolled her eyes and said in the most coldest voice sure why not, daddy is here now, right Johnny, my gaze fall towards the kids and agree with a shaken head, what there to say, I feel like my heart is tighten up, every time she says or do anything surrounding me, we all walked inside the dinner area and we sit down, Jaz keep the conversation as light as she could without attracting attention from both of us and am grateful for her at this moment, seeing the kids joke and laugh brought a sight of relief I didn't know I was holding.
Daddy, my baby girl called out toward me, I was so lost in my thought that I didn't even realize that everyone was done eating, and my plate was full still, you didn't eat, are you sick papa, she sit on my lap, her tiny little hands pressing against my forehead, you don't look sick my boy answer, climbing up unto my lap also, Linda look daddy eyes are red, maybe that what make him sick, he looks at me, so young and innocent, how come no one wanted my to stay that way, I pulled them towards me breathing them up like it was the only oxygen I needed, what wrong with me, why do I always choose to live like this, I wanted all of this, why ruin it all, I hear the sound of crying, I wanted to look around and see who it was, but how when that person is me.
I never cry, not once, not when my father and his man torture me , not when my mother pulls the trigger and kill herself, but now I feel like am seeing myself in my kids eyes, I don't want to be there burden like my was, I want to be better, I need to be better.
So I need to start by telling the truth, who is John Patrov, am not in ordinary person, I have way to much burden to bear, the truth is all they needs so why not letting it all out the open.
If I loose, at least for the first time in my life it was for something worth it.
Sammy, and my kids worth me loosing everything and I won't my loosing myself, and learn to embrace my old ways, because being me is all I have left, am a demon and a monster but also am a human being I need to learn to become a better version of myself, not building a bridge between them.