No problem princess, Daddy love you, tell your brother I said hi, and don't stress out your granny, you know I don't like that, bye baby see you soon, closing the phone, all I can think about is when Jasmine wake up she's going to break my head off, why do I alway have to be so possessive, She's mine, she's not going nowhere, but sometimes it hard to be gentle with that woman without her being a brat, like her daughter, she said she take after me, but if only she see the way, they both act, those eyes rolling when they both don't get they way, the possessiveness that both have over me and Ethan, my poor boy is the only one that I can say is a people person, my sweet loving boy, Jaz may think I encourage him into turning into me, because when he get his little anger he sounded just like me I may say, but still there is no way in hell I will be happy about that, his sweetness and gentleness towards people he love and respect is something that even as an adult I admire, I want him to stay that way and be stronger and better, possessing is not something that I want my boy to inherit from me, no way, because I want whoever whom he end up with to never get to deal with this part of me, it something that I enjoy sickly.
Sometimes I hate acting like this, boy was I glad when I know both of them wasn't here , I really don't want to put an image of me and my wife acting like this in-front of them, I don't want nor ever to put them in situations where Daddy making mommy cry, or upset, the way that I did her yesterday, she was shaking all over with anger, I really need to go back to therapy for my sake, because the man that I was yesterday should never repeat again, the fear in her eyes, the tears that was falling from her faces, the humiliation that she suffer yesterday's still flash in my head over and over again, the scream, the disappointment in her boss face, man what I have done, my princess doesn't deserve that I know better, but the bastard know what he was doing, he was pushing all my boundaries all at once, the second his hand place on her derrière, make me loose my cool, plus she act it like it was cool, ignoring me all day, but still I should have been the bigger person, the better man, her protector, her joy, I should've been excused myself, when she told me to go outside and shake my anger out, but the anger, the jealousy, the smirk and smile on the idiot face, he was begging me to fuck him up, just because I wear a suit that doesn't make me a pussy.
My anger is my own fault, my therapist told me to hold into my thoughts, I know my woman, she doesn't deserve that push, her scream when she fall off, her eyes looking for the protector, her man, but somehow I was the one putting her in danger, and blindly putting the amount of fear on her eyes, no amount of apology can't ever erase what I have caused yesterday and man don't I feel dirty and ashamed, I need a run to get my mind off that picture, I thought talking with my mom and my kids will clear my head and heart but somehow it reopened all of my pain all over again, I really need a run I mean fast, then me and my baby can I have a talked, a real conversation, not the one that lead us an anger sex, not that I wouldn't mind, but I need to reassure her, that I am her husband, her shoulder to cry on.
I really hope she doesn't have to cry all over again because I can't bear to listen to her crying, my woman is strong, so you know it take a lot out of her to cry, my heart hurts so bad, re hearing those word she repeat last night, can't believe she think so little of me and herself, hate the fact she always blame herself for my actions, man I need to get out of here to clear my mind before I explode, man Micheal what the hell is wrong with you, what the hell was i thinking, " AM I NOT A GOOD WIFE, a good mother, why do you have to humiliated me like this baby why? You acting as if you ever catch me cheating, we fight that what couple do, we not perfect, I never want it you to be, I give you freedom to do what the hell you want Michael, why do you go head and do this stupid shit, you push me, you hurt me, over a stupid mistake, am sorry that am mad at you, am sorry, oh God it was so much blood, I can't stand looking at you right now, please go away".
Maybe the boxing ring in my basement could help out, because the running is not going to get those image out, soon, we fight not like this, yeah it may sound like it nothing serious but it small stuff like this, that turn into something serious, and deadly and I don't plan on letting the day goes by without a proper explanation for why I did what I have done and how we could, I mean especially me could make sure that never happen again, because my wife is a respected woman and her name shouldn't have to be on those type of behavior, I be dammed if am going to let my baby hard work go to waste, because people seem to not be able to see a ring on her finger, it diamonds and gold, how that hard to see, I make sure it could see a billion miles away, and you that close you couldn't, I do regret my actions, but my decision I be darn, each blow of punching on that bag, make me feel alive not better but able to face my wife, because knowing her she probably upstairs waiting for me, I don't know what waiting for me upstairs but I know for sure I deserve every single thing that coming my way.
But I really hope she doesn't trow something my way because I have no energy for that, but with her temper, she will indeed smack me up a bit, I take it a thousand time over her tears, am tired as hell but that conversation is needed, much better then a sleep. Heading upstairs feel like forever probably is i have been locked down there for a good hours, " Well I thought you would have sleep down there, the way you spending your sweet time to get upstairs" my wife said turning my head around to see her sitting down on the chair staring out the street, if I didn't mess up I probably would have eat her up, with her pulling my hair, and chanting my name as a prayer, that not the moment for that, but fuck she look so eatable right now, and one thing I know for sure if I try it she will trow something at me, and right this moment, I don't want to have a conversation with a concoction, that will end up south and we already almost heading towards that direction, and all I need is a good places right this moment, I will do anything for her to lead me towards this direction.
I thought you where sleeping i whisper, oh really, well look closely am I, Michael what wrong, what going on, what was that yesterday, if you think I care about the humiliation, no am not, am angry at you, at the best friend part of you, the part of you that I love so much , how could you, the tears in her eyes, man I fuck up so bad, please baby stop crying, am sorry I know it low of me but please no tear, am begging you, look am me it not you it me, all me princess, am scared she whimpered, in my ears while she still crying, I picked her up and sit down while she hold on into my neck the way my daughter do, when she's scared, when she need her daddy to tell her everything will be ok, but now that different because she not my child but my wife, she grown up surrounding with abuser, with man that mistreated people as if they low life, is this that person I have become yesterday, I saw the fear in her eyes, is this what she saw in me yesterday.
God what type of Demon was I yesterday, her whimper is killing me, look at me baby, Jaz, please don't ever, ever, imagine those type of pictures in your head, I wouldn't, no I couldn't not put you trough's those headaches and pain, am not a monster, am calling my therapist tomorrow I promise you I wouldn't let my anger get the best of me anymore, fuck baby are you hurt, did I push you away, please say something, no you didn't, it just for a brief moment, all I see was my father Michael, you know I hate him, please don't, I can't and I won't bear this burden anymore, am sorry for my actions, I truly am, I shouldn't have done that, I should learn to control my habits of playing with you even though it turn me on, but I don't want to bring that horrified pieces of me into our marriage, no I can't and I won't , I love you way to much to put you through that, as she lay her head on my neck, make me realize even in his grave that old man his still alive.