I am lying on my bed, my brother sleeping beside me. It's 3 a.m. And I'm still awake. I can't get his image out of my brain, can't get him out of my eyes. His image is embedded in my brain, in my heart. Those eyes seemed so familiar, those emotions his eyes had shown, desire, longing, passion, and pain. I want to see him again. But it feels like a betrayal to all my novels and anime character crushes who don't even exist. I am so lame sometimes. Why am I like this? By all means, do I have the right to have a crush or drool over someone who's real and existent? someone who I have a chance with. I take the last statement back. I have no chance with him whatsoever. He's a stranger I met one time on the street and he's a foreigner. I check my phone for the hundredth time to see if there is a text from someone. Anyone for the matter or even Tazwar. There isn't. So I read the rest of our conversation. I remember after texting over the books and genres, I wanted to play Sherlock Holmes with him. I wanted him to reveal or at least give me a little hint about who he really was. He didn't give me a hint. He just confused me more.
You aren't really seventeen, are you? (My first strike to know the truth or at least make him a little uncomfortable)
Why do you say that?😂 (Him)
And how do you make that deduction? (Him)
(Because you've been lying about everything since forever or the past two years at least.)
I have this strong gut feeling that you like to keep yourself a mystery by putting layers of truth into some lies. (Me)
Am I right though? (Yeah poetic, ain't I? All to get the truth from you crackhead!)
Interesting.. (Him)
I'll neither confirm nor deny that😇 (Him)
😂😂
(Bitch! Rascal! Moron! Scoundrel!)
Kk (Me)
You're interesting maybe influenced by Sherlock Holmes. (I let the matter rest so easily as if I wasn't dying to know the truth but I didn't want him to be suspicious of me or make it so obvious that he asked Kashmira about it. She'll be mad at me "He asked me to not tell this to anyone? He'd be mad at me!", she'd say.)
Lol not at all...I enjoy Sherlock Holmes but am not influenced by him.
(As if I don't know that already. You're influenced by brain diarrhea or catfishing people.)
You know I'm pretty influenced by Agatha Christie. (although I never read one of her books, only heard about them but he doesn't need to know that).
I like murders, blood, murder theories (Me)
Murder on the orient express? (Him)
Yeah. (Me)
I read the book and now the sequel Is coming up. (Him)
Yeah. (Me)
I even watched the mini tv series. (Him)
You sure watch a lot of series. (Me)
A lot. Movies and T.V. series. (Him)
That's pretty cool. (Me)
You into BDSM? (Him)
Not really. I'd like to think I'm a sadist though. (Yeah, right in an alternate universe I'd like to think that. Why do I utter nonsense so much? I am embarrassed by myself.)
You know I wanna study criminology and so sometimes I think how about I murder someone to really know how it feels after you kill someone. (Maybe you could comply and be my willing victim?)
Interesting..you think you're capable of murder? (Him)
Heck yeah! only if I did not have a surname I would try it. (Maybe in an alternate universe I would try it. MAYBE)
How would you do it? (Him)
I was thinking about a torturing death (Me)
Like pulling the eyeballs off the sockets. (Me)
Skinning alive and putting salt on it (Me)
Shaving head. (Me)
Stabbing (Yeah right all those murder mysteries and serial killers really inspired me at the back of my head)
Does it turn you on?😋 (Him)
It's intriguing, yes ( I am not a horny piece of shit, you buttcheek!) (Me)
Would you fuck a dead body? ( What are you? Necrophilia patient! Disgusting!)
Are you kidding me? No That's disgusting. (Me)
Would you?(Me)
I don't know actually...I really don't have any limits when it comes to sex...I'm willing to give everything a try. (Him)
(I would be surprised at myself if I expected something different from your necrophilia patient! Why am I even talking to you?)
Would you fuck a dying body? Someone dying from your torture but not dead yet? (Him)
(Oh hell yes! Who doesn't want to fuck a dying body right? I mean fuck STD's how about something more lethal?)
Nah I am killing them so the last thing I care about is not disrespecting them more than I already did or you know to give them an emotional scar. (How sweet of me to go on rambling shit when I'm killing them and thinking about not disrespecting them at the same time!)
So...there's no sexual aspect to your fantasy of Murder? Don't you get sexually turned on by it?
Unfortunately no I don't. (Me)
But look at you, what a hormonal horny boy. (Me)
Yeah, I know...I'm pretty weird😅 (Him)
And you're pretty weird too. (Him)
The act of enjoying murder and torture is very much linked to sexual pleasure...well scientifically speaking that is. (Him)
( Fuck you! Like fuck, fuck you, no why fuck you when I could kill you instead.)
Now that you talk about it...You do have a girlfriend, don't you? I mean if you are so sexual then I don't believe you don't go around having coitus once a week. (SECOND STRIKE, BITCH REVEAL YOURSELF!)
That doesn't make any sense. (Him)
How does having a high sex drive mean I have a girlfriend?🤣🤣🤣 (Him)
Maybe I can't get a girlfriend? Maybe I have an FWB? maybe I have a group of friends who get together to have an orgy every week... (Him)
(Course you do! How did I forgot you're a manwhore!)
Maybe a fling (Him)
Doesn't have to be a girlfriend.😅😅 (Him)
Maybe I have one-night stands every now and then. (Him)
(Do you strip in the clubs as well?)
Yeah, I guess anything's possible. (Me)
True😇😇 (Him)
Maybe anything at all?? (Him)
And with that said, once again you're 18+. (Me)
I don't have to be 18+ to have sex. (Him)
😂😂
You need enough freedom you know to go around having one-night stands or orgy or anything. (Me)
Really? :3(Him)
I guess unless your parents are really open-minded.
15-16-year-olds are going to cox bazaar with their friends and boyfriends and girlfriends nowadays. (Him)
Not everyone obviously (Him)
You'd be amazed at how less some parents care about their kids. (Him)
Why do you think there are so many druggie teenagers nowadays? :3 (Him)
I don't know anything about what's going around the world, I guess (Me)
Sweet innocent child (Him)
Yeah pretty innocent I guess (Me)
Awww (Him)
You do know this could be a fake account? (Me)
What makes you think you live in a reality and not a simulation? (Him)
What's real and what's fake?? (Him)
Maybe we do live in the matrix after all😇 (Him)
I don't care what's real or fake. I don't care if I'm living a lie or a reality that ain't pleasant. As long as I can be happy internally and with the people I love I think that's enough. (Me)
Define your "happiness" (Him)
I guess living in the moment having inner peace no holding back and pretty much live a bittersweet life with the people I love the most? (Me)
For someone who has a fantasy of murder....and her definition of happiness is "no holding back"...that's a pretty disastrous combination🤣 (Him)
I guess. Humans are complicated after all. (Me)
Yeah,😁😁we all are. (Him)
Stupid and complicated creatures. (Him)
Agreed. That could not be more true. (Me)
So why no sleep? (Him)
Just don't feel like it. I want to walk into the streets right now although it's 3 a.m.
Why are you up late? (Me)
Ugh, I hate the outside...I love my home (Him)
I sleep after Fajr...sometimes even at 7 or 8 am...daily routine since the pandemic. (Him)
I sleep at 4 a.m. (Me)
Come on all the time inside four walls? That's scary. (Me)
But you said your parents were really strict? So how do you stay awake this late? (Him)
I hide under my blanket and then I use my phone. Of course with quick reflexes to flip the phone when they come to check-in. (Me)
Nice😅 (Him)
Do you watch porn?🧐 (Him)
I am not horny like you bruh. (Me)
Nobody's horny like me😂...but everybody's at least a little horny. (Him)
I guess. (Me)
And..then? Do you watch porn? (Him)
The whole idea of watching naked people doing coitus is pretty nauseating. (Me)
It's art in its own weird way. (Him)
(An art you've mastered pretty well).
Although I did catch my dad watching porn a few times and then I threatened to break his phone. (Me)
What the fuck..why? 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 (Him)
I mean you know he's always lecturing the whole family about not being religious and whatnot and watching porn seems like a big black shade on his whole character. (Him)
You should have used it as leverage. (him)
That's like visually cheating on My mom but my mom doesn't care. (Him)
Well if your mom doesn't care I don't see much of a problem (Him)
It's still disgusting. I mean how will my sibling see him as a respectful figure if he sees shit. (Me)
Some sense of morality you have..fascination of murder...but calls porn shit. (Him)
[As if I killed people. How does that even relate? If my morality was so poor, wouldn't I have actually committed murder?, I really wonder how anyone talks to him? He brings sex in every topic, like chill brother, there are other things to talk about much cooler than that.].
Again, I'm innocent. (Me)
Then don't judge :3 (Him)
Duh bruh if it's about my parents and siblings I'm definitely judging. (Me)
Okay (Him)
You get some sleep😇😇(Him)
Good night😁😁(Him)
Bye😴(Him)
************************************
Morning(Him)
(Where did the sunrise from today? West? He texted me!)
Afternoon (Me)
Sup (Him)
Great. What about you? (Me)
Good what you're doing? (Him)
Staring outside the window watching kids play badminton (Me)
What about you? (Me)
Go and play yourself? (Him)
I am about to sleep. (Him)
I'll go at 12p.m. to play when only a few souls linger around the field. (Me)
Why do few souls matter? (Him)
What if there are more souls? (Him)
There is peace. It gets quiet there so you can play and walk alone. (Me)
Play alone?😅 (Him)
What's the fun in that? (Him)
Ever self-harmed? (Him)
I take my neighbor with me. (Me)
Nope, never self-harmed (Me)
Nice (Him)
Taken drugs? (Him)
Smoked? (Him)
Had sex?
Nope, nope and nope. (Me)
Why do you ask? (Me)
Curious (Him)
What did you do in life? (Him)
Watched porn? (Him)
Nope. (Me)
:3
Kissed? (Him)
Nope. (Me)
Did you do all of those(smoke, drugs, sex)? (Me)
Kinda (Him)
I don't enjoy smoking or drugs though (Him)
My friends used to do...So I tried (Him)
Sex is my drug :3 (Him)
masturbated? (Him)
Nope. (I am not dying out of sexual hormones like you, duh!)
So experienced ain't you? (Me)
Somewhat yes. (Him)
You did nothing! (Him)
Yeah (Me)
I would like to try red wine sometime in the future like...in movies, it looks so classy. (Me)
[I am cringing on my words. I typed these about a week ago and now a week later I just wanna go blind.]
Hmmm..(Him)
Yeah, try I guess. (Him)
Yeah, which school by the way? (Me)
Rifles...you?? (Him)
[How many gold medals did you receive in lying?]
O'levels in private (Me)
Nice!! (Him)
Which grade? (Me)
College 2nd year (Him)
I'll give HSC the next year that is if the exams happen. (Him)
(So polished lie, pathological liar? Or have you failed twice?)
Ohh (Me)
I still feel like you're neither 17 nor in college. (Me)
Feels like you're 20+and in university (Me)
Could be! (Him)
Uh-uh (Me)
Nvm I overthink everything (Him)
I guess😅 (Him)
Yeah (Me)
What's wrong? (Him)
Nothing (Me)
And that's it. Here the chat ends cause he never replied or even initiated again. It's weird how he might have told me everything the truth but still managed to lie about his age, his image, his birthday, school, while all I've told him even this time is a complete truth. It's weird how open I could be to a person I don't know and share so many things I never said to anybody and not fear that he might judge me. It's not his flaw to judge people. It's mine. With that thought still hovering over my head I keep my phone under my pillow. It's 4 a.m. and go to sleep but it's not his image in my eyes or dreams. Those eyes that are staring back at me in my conscience are those of sparkly stream with gushing water effect, silvery and beautiful that express so many UNSPOKEN emotions, those ash mauve eyes.