That's the distraction. That's what's been occupying my mind ever since. Duncan has been showing up everywhere, appearing in my mind anytime he pleases like it's something convenient. I don't wanna keep wondering what he's doing, where he is or whom he's with, or whether he's fucking some disgusting slut. I want none of that shit. I've been through shit I never thought I'd go through with him. And thinking of going back to him and going through all that seems like total bullshit.
For starters, Duncan never wanted me to have friends, girl or boy, he wanted none of that. At first he'd act cool once I make friends, then list all the bad things the friend might put me through, that's when he'd advice me that person isn't a good friend and I should stay away from that. I've lost most friendships because of him.
I'm finally on the couch with my legs on Travis lap and my plate of food on my lap. Since Travis is a gentleman, he's added some green salad among my chips, chicken wings and pap. He's got his local favorites songs on Playlist, I'm not a fan but I'm listening to show some support through what he likes to listen to.
"Awww, listen to this part", he makes me listen to a poetic verse from the song that's playing. "Don't roll your eyes",
I can't help it. It's so cliché. I hate it when artists rap about the same thing, when they're using the same rhythm and most especially when they sound the same. Why can't they rap about something different, about how they started with their career or where they wanna be. Something different. Anyway, who am I to advice rap artists on what to rap about.
"The next one is my favorite", he says as he prepares himself to sing along. "It's actually educational and sad", he adds.
"What's educational? That if your parents were poor you gonna be poor too? Or that we all pay for our parents sins?",
"One way or another", he replies.
"That's fucked up", I shake my head. "Means you believe in reincarnation", I roll my eyes. Reminds me of the book Ty gave me, the seat of the soul. Only that book talks about a lof of things, but reincarnation is one of it. Some how we have six senses and we relive life without even knowing. When you die, you get reborn again but thing is, you come back with your sins.
"I wouldn't say I believe in that but look at it. Listen to the song", he becomes quiet for a while then starts, "Her mum was raped while growing up and now her daughter is being raped at her same age she was. Some how what her father did, while growing up, it's happening to her and her daughter. Their paying for the sins her father caused-",
"Can we listen to something else?", I shouldn't be asking, I should be demanding. Oh maybe he's right, maybe some how we are paying for sins we know nothing about. Sins our parents or grandparents did.
Travis didn't grow up with both his parents, his father left her mum for some reasons he and his mum know of, and now his son isn't being raised by him and his mum. He broke up with Taylor's mum a few months ago. Now Taylor won't get to grow up in front of both his parents, instead he'll keep going back and forth for them to be part of his life. Maybe Trevis is paying for his parent's sins, sins he knows nothing about.
Makes me wonder, what sins am I paying for. If I really am paying for something I'm not aware of. Like I've said, like I always say, I've never been dumped since I started dating, then suddenly Duncan dumps me. How convenient.
I get up from the couch. I seem angry but I know I shouldn't. Did this whole reincarnation shit change my mood?
"Whats wrong?", Travis asks.
I stare down at him the carry the plate I had food on to the kitchen. Travis doesn't follow. I get to the kitchen and gently drop the plate on the table.
I head to the bedroom and start undressing. I'm not even sleepy, I'm just upset and I don't know where it's all coming from.
"Are you okay?", I turn to see Travis standing at the doorway. He looks worried.
"I'm okay",
"You don't look okay", he says as he walks and stands behind me. He leans to kiss my neck. It feels off, it feels forced.
I shake him off but he doesn't move. He grabs my boobs, squeezing them as he sucks my neck.
It doesn't feel right. It feels like he's weighing on me.
"I need a glass of water", I try to move but he grabs me. Frustration washes over me but I say nothing. He turns me around, to face him, then leans closer for our lips to touch. I kiss him, it's short, not close to being sweet but there's nothing I can do with what I'm feeling.
"Seriously what's wrong?", he asks as we pull apart.
"You don't listen, do you?", I snap. "I said I want a glass of water and you keep doing what you doing",
"Is it wrong to want to kiss you?",
"Only when I said I want a glass of water", I snap from his hold and walk to the kitchen. He follows.
"You're just like them all, you don't listen",
"What's wrong with you?", he questions, this time he sounds pissed. "What the hell did I do now that pissed you off?",
"Oh my gosh, are you serious right now?", I'm upset, but what caused it? "I just explained what you did and you still asking what's wrong?",
Its all not necessary but I can't help it. It's just that there's a lot I want but can't seem to get. For instance, right now I wanna go home but I wanna be with him. Does that even make sense?
"Okay", he whispers. "I'm sorry", I should be the one apologizing, I'm the one that caused all this out of nowhere. But he's a gentleman, he's a sweetheart that doesn't even feel ashamed to apologize for my crazy shit. "Wanna give me a hug?",
I roll my eyes, "You just wanna have sex",
"Yeah, but hugging you has nothing to do with it", he answers.
"Yeah, and I believe you", I look away. The glass of water I came for has left my mind surprisingly. "I'm tired, can't we just go lay down?",
"Yeah sure", he nods, "If that's what you want",
He follows me to the bedroom, he doesn't even ask about the glass of water excuse that I made earlier. I get on bed and pull our purple blanket to cover my body. He climbs on the bed and lays next to me. "It'd be nice if you'd share the blanket",
"Nah, get under the covers if you're cold", I reply.
"Seriously?", he stares at me and I don't dare look at him. He's giving me that look, that look that feels like it's got too many questions. He's not a talkative person, so before he starts something serious that'll get us worked out he becomes quiet for a while.
"Why are you upset?", he asks.
"I'm not upset", I snap. I am upset. He upsets me. He's making me so mad and I don't know what to do with it.
"Well, you seem upset obviously", he looks away, pulls the covers open then slowly gets in.
Why am I like this? Why now? I was fine with Travis, I've been fine with Travis. Why now?
...
Saturday night: 13 February
We woke up earlier this morning normally, he went to work and I went home.
Home's boring but I still prefer it than going to work. Too bad time flies.
"So? Are we going or what?", Kourtney asks as he stands at my bedroom doorway.
"Yes we going, jeez", I roll my eyes. He's really up for this pork braai thingy.
"Okay, you'll call me then", he turns and walks away.
"It's only 2:30 PM bro", I call out at him.
"Whatever",
As I go through my wardrobe my phone rings, I haven't even picked what to wear. "Hey babe", I answer the phone. Yeap, I'm not mad anymore, obviously.
"What you doing?", Travis asks.
"I'm selecting what to wear, how about you?", I ask. It's valentine's day tomorrow and surely he's planning something, I can smell it. But I'm gonna be cool about it since I'm not even sure if it's really true or not.
"Just knocked off", he says. "I'm calling to check on you, and to remind you that I'll pass by your house to pick you up", he adds.
"Alright",
I'd be chatting with my friend right now, Nolan, but I messed that up. Last year September, we were getting really close and I was liking that, apart from the asking me out part. I remember him ignoring me at work just cause he finally heard that I have a boyfriend. I thought it was just him being the basic asshole but no, that wasn't it. I finally confirmed it when he sent me a text on Whatsapp.
Flashback to Last year, 19 September.
Nolan: "So you got a boyfriend huh?", Like always, Nolan is just something else.
:"Where?", I like fucking with his brains, he hates that.
Nolan:"Where does one get a boyfriend?",
If I could only be Nolan for one day, maybe that'll lighten me on what goes on in his small head
:"Are they for sale? Or do we get them for free?", I must be pissing him off I suppose. But this is fun. Sure feels like fun. "Have you got one for yourself? If so, how is one cause I'd really like a nice one",
Nolan:"OH come on, stop playing dumb with me", he's catching up. He knows that it's my thing to play dumb.
:"Wait, are you scolding me?",
Nolan:"Maybe if you were here you'd see if I am",
Wait, now that I think about it, it would have been great if we were having this talk in person.
:"Nolan, sweetheart, what's wrong?",
I guess it's my thing to push buttons. Why am I even trying to upset Nolan. Why am I being a dick to this guy, it's totally not fair. But yet, I still do it.
Reality
Surprisingly so, Travis makes it in time. But I'm thinking it's because he's planning to have braai pork with his male friends. They call it a guy thing but I'm always invited where Travis goes.
We get to his grans and start with the whole men party thing. There's not really much to prepare but I guess with them it's kind of a big deal to sit around the fire and have pork. My brother calls to check where we are, it's a Saturday and the Tarven up the road is hosting some event. I shouldn't have asked Kourtney to join Travis for the pork braai thing but it's too late now.
"Are you coming or what?", I yell over the phone at Kourtney. He's been saying his own his way since for ever. It's now 8:30PM, every friend of Travis is here already and the pork is almost ready.
"Would you relax, I'm on my way", he answers.
"You've been saying that from 5PM", I snap. "Mum has started calling-",
"And you told her I'm with you right?", he quickly says.
This guy... I roll my eyes. He made me part of his plans to go out, and from the sound of it, he's getting himself drunk.
"Yes", I whisper yell. "It doesn't give you any right to get drunk wherever you are",
"What?", he chuckles. "I'm not getting drunk",
"I don't care", I scold. "Just get here, NOW",
"You need to let that kid relax a little", I turn to find Sarki standing with a fork in one hand and a piece of pork in the other hand.
"Yeah right",
"Seriously", he stresses the word the gives me his serious look. "He's been a respectful kid, he's respectful obviously I can see that in his eyes.
I'd like to answer Sarki telling him he doesn't know what he's talking about but he's right. My brother respects our family. He respects when we're out in public, can't really say the same thing when at home. But I'm pretty sure he respects me for our parents sake. He knows how my mum gets when he's out and night.
"I know", I nod. "But you don't know my parents. I want my brother to go out and have fun but I wanna see him near me",
"I understand", Sarki replies.
There's music playing and everyone seems to be having fun. It's 11PM and Kourtney haven't got here yet. I try thinking about it to get pissed over it but something distructs me. Finally my mum calls and demands she wants Kourtney before midnight and I'm forced to call him demanding him to get here. Well, luckily he's closeby, but too bad he's drunk.
When he gets here I guess the alcohol gets to his head and he starts puking. I'm worried, I've never seen him drunk before. But I'm pissed too, how can he humiliate me like this? Showing up to my boyfriend's place for the first time and he's drunk.
"Okay, he needs to eat", Sarki says. Of course he needs to eat, What else would have made him to puke like this.
"Hey Kourtney, should I bring you something to eat?", Travis asks and Kourtney shakes his head.
I slap my palm against my forehead, go figure... He's drunk, hungry, and he's lazy to eat. I know this is him being lazy, or his pride is in the way.
"Oh for fuck sake", I drag my feet and get the bucket with water. He puke right outside the garage door but I feel responsible to cover up that shit. I should keep it for him to clean in the morning but who am I kidding.
"You dont have to do that right now", Travis say as I walk back carry the bucket of water.
"I have to",
I start washing away Kourtney's puke, Travis helps me. The others are busy with pork, a bit drunk themselves but they're old enough to take care of themselves.
"How the hell am I gonna get him home?", I ask out of frustration and disappointment.
"That's gonna be a problem", Travis agrees. "Can't he crash here?",
"Mum wants him home", I answer.
"What?", he gasps. "Means you'll have to knock and they'll see him like this", he adds.
"I won't knock, I'll give him my keys. I brought them here with me",
"That's much better", he breaths.
After the puke cleaning we take Kourtney home. In the car it's me, Kourtney, Sarki and Travis. Travis is driving. The rest of his friends are still having pork outside his grans house.
When we get home Travis and Sarki help Kourtney sneak in. The sneaking part doesn't really work since dad hears everything. Mum and dad turn out to be the ones opening up for us but, don't get to see Travis and Sarki since they ran off just when the door cracked open.
I don't know if our parents see how drunk Kourtney is but I'm sure they're not stupid.
After the whole thing I head back with Travis and Sarki, even though they thought I'd change my mind and stay because of my brother's state.