Saturday: 30 January
A message to my ex, Duncan. Who else would I mean.
Doesn't really matter anymore.
This strong feeling that I have for you, that keeps me awake every night. I can't really do anything about it, all I can do is ignore it. I've tried telling myself that I'm letting it go, that I'm letting you go, but this past few days you've haunted my mind and made me realize that it's not gonna be as easy as I thought it'd be.
More than anything in this world, I miss you. I miss you like the desert misses the rain. And honestly I've tried, I've fought for this relationship so many times. I've fought when we were still together, when we were going through our breakup, I even fought after the breakup when you have decided that you don't want me anymore.
So now I've reached the point of finally knowing that no matter what I do or say, I can't force you to love me. Not that I don't love you but because I nolonger see the need to fight for what you nolonger believe in.
Admitting that you don't love me anymore is really hard, trust me on that. Even though the last thing you said is that you do love me but for your personal reasons you can't be with me. It makes total sense in your head but I've tried explaining that in my head so many times, and it still doesn't make sense.
Each day I do thank God that he brought you to me, that we had the opportunity to love one another the way we did. And I pray every day to walk the journey of forgetting the love I have for you. I'm done stressing, I try so hard to stop and one day it'll work for me. It's just that whenever I've cleared my mind, with your memories boxed at the back of my head, something or someone reminds me of you. That's when everything about you comes back rushing and occupying every part of my brain. I'm sick of that now, I don't need that in my life anymore. You broke me. You destroyed the remaining pieces of what true love is to me. You broke what took me long to rebuild again, and this time I don't know if I'll ever love anyone else like I've loved you.
But for some reason I know one day I'll forget you, because I forgive you. And one day you'll realize what you've lost and I'll look at you just like every other ex of mine. I'll look at you with no memories tugged on you. You'll mean nothing to me.
I have many true loves that I've forgotten about.
Flashback to 2010, back in High school.
OH. My. God. I stare at a guy that walks in our full school bus. He looks around for any open seat but nope, there isn't any. He's dressed handsomely in his white shirt and Grey pants uniform. He looks gorgeous.
Instantly my heart beats faster, faster than its usual rate. I want him so close to me but I'm also nervous just thinking about it.
"Who's that?", I whisper to myself. Too bad there isn't anyone I know whom I'd ask.
Just as we get to school I rush to class. School hasn't started so I still have a chance to chat with my friends, I have to ask whom that gorgeous guy is.
"Hey", I wave to Freya as I get closer to her. She's standing by our classroom door with her back against the wall.
"How are you?",
"I'm alright", I smile. I toss my bag on the first table I find just after the door inside the classroom then join Freya outside.
"I didn't think we'd get to school in time with the traffic that-", there he is. My heartbeat rate changes again. It's beating faster with nerves I had no idea where they came from. He's walking with some guys I haven't seen before either, theyre deep in conversation and all I'm focused on is that guy that makes my heart beat faster. "Who's that?",
Freya follows my eyes to see who I'm referring to. "Oh that", she gusps. "That's Violet",
"Violet?", I ask, and my voice suddenly sounds hasky.
"Yeah. He lives in our hood, how come you don't know him?", she asks.
"You know him?", I ask.
"Yes. He's dating some girl in grade 9, they've been dating since last year I think. She visits our hood to see him some weekends, I've seen them together",
"Huh", I breath. Too much information but I guess I'd want to know that.
As we chat the bells rings for class, I decide to push all those feelings and thoughts about Voilet at the back of my head and focus on school work.
...
Days pass, months, I see Violet everyday and I can't talk to him. Some days he doesn't take my bus to school, he takes another bus. But I guess it's because he doesn't get to sit down in ours. Then oneday a seat is open besides me, we get to his stop and there he is. He finally gets to sit next to me. My heart start bouncing the moment I saw him appear from the door. I couldn't even look at him as he approached but crossed my fingers for him to sit next to me. And boom, he finally sat next to me.
"HI", he says and I nod with a smile. I couldn't say hi back, the words are stuck in my throat. I feel like I'm shaking, I'm so nervous I can't even breathe.
I glance his way to start a conversation, which I have no topic for but then I notice he's got his earphones plugged in his ears. I'm too late.
When we get to school, he takes a few minutes to get up for us to climb off, I don't mind though. I like that he's sitting next to me.
More days pass and I'm back to seeing him from a distance. But this time my feeling are way worse than what they were. I dream of him most night and I long to see him every morning.
"Let's go babe",
Yeap, apart from my crush I have a boyfriend. He doesn't make me feel anything compared to what I feel for Violet though.
"Ooohhh, you'll buy all I want?", I blush. It's a Friday and school is out. Every Friday some of us walk to town just to hangout before going home.
"Yeap", he smiles.
So there we are, walking to town. When we get there we head to Spar and he buys me all what I need. Sweets, ice-cream, cold drink, yogurt. That's what all the lover boys does for their girlfriends.
"I'm taking the 4PM bus", I say as we walk to the bus terminals. As we approach Voilet appears from nowhere.
"Edward, my guy", he greets my boyfriend and I'm surprised they know each other.
"Good thing you here buddy, I need you to take my girlfriend with you and take care of her since you guys live in the same hood", Edward says.
"No problem man", he glance at me the opens his arm for me to hold on to him. "She'll be totally safe with me", he adds with a smile.
"Hey", I yell to Edward as he walks away. "Call me when you get home", he nods then Voilet pulls me to our bus.
As we climb in, he let's me sit alone as he head to the back of the bus where his friends are. My feelings are visible as ever, but for some reason today I can control them.
The ride back home was torture. I've touched him, held his hand but I can't get to keep him for myself. I can hear his voice, his laughter from where he's sitting with his friends but I can't join them just yet. He's not my friend and maybe he doesn't see me ever becoming his friend.
Monday morning, I don't know how to feel from my last encounter with Violet. When we get to his stop my heartbeat changes. I still can't get used to how he changes my beat, my blood boils instantly without warning. I smile as I notice no one has occupied the space besides me. I'm just hoping he'll sit next to me. And damnit, luck is on my side.
"Hey", he smiles as he settles beside me.
"Hi", thank God I have a voice from all these nerves I'm going through. He just makes my whole body tremble in ways I know nothing about.
"Did you get safely home on Friday?", he asks. I nod with a smile. Today he isn't pulling out his phone so I'm guessing we'll get to talk till we get to school.
"You Nina, right?", I nod, still smiling. Gosh, he must be thinking that I'm blushing. But who am I kidding, he's got a way to change my mood and feelings in ways no one can.
"Right", he nods. "How did a guy like Edward get to be with a girl like you?", he asks. His face is like heaven. He's skin is dark but not too dark. His lips are to die for. I'd kiss those lips every minute if I had to. And his cologne, he smells so fresh, so clean, and breathing him in feels incredible.
"I don't know", oh my gosh I'm bad at conversations. Why can't I ask him some questions, get to know him.
"Which grade are you in?", he asks.
"Grade 10", I answer. "How about you?",
"Same grade as your boyfriend", he smiles. "We actually share a class together",
I nod. "Which class is that?", I ask.
"Science",
Like I've imagine, we talk till we get to school. That's what I've been hoping for, it's what I've dreamt of.
Violet and I got close. I learnt that he's in a complicated relationship with some girl in grade 9, the same one Freya mentioned but Violet said they're at a breaking up point. He didn't really make me dump Edward but adviced me to keep my boyfriend happy. He said he doesn't want anyone knowing about our closeness.
Well, being close turned into friendship, then lovers. He still wanted no one to know about our relationship. At first we ignored one another in school but then he started calling me when with his friends and in front of everyone we were friends, when together we were lovers.
On weekends we used to hangout. He took me to his house and I met one of his sisters. I also got to introduce him to my mum and he was cool with that.
One day I got too tired of lying to my boyfriend. I was deep in love with Violet, he was all I think about. I decided to dump Edward, which was a shitty move since Violet got upset over it when I told him. He started shifting, distancing himself one day at a time.
Our relationship was never gonna last, we'd never work but I chose to follow my heart over anything else.
"Why are you so distant?", we sitting together in the bus like we always do. He has his phone in hand and was about to put his earphones on.
"No I'm not", he shakes his head. "Why would you say that?",
"I can sense you. You don't talk to me that much anymore, you don't call me anymore, plus most days you choose to sit at the back than to sit with me", it's sounds pathetic to beg for his attention. But at that moment that's all I ever wanted.
"Hey I'm sorry", he grabs my hand and I feel my skin vibrate. "I didn't mean to make you feel like that, it's just that I have a lot in my mind",
"Oh", I breathe.
"Nox and I are working things out",
"Right", I whisper.
I'm a fool. I'm a fucken idiot and here's when I see how stupid I am. I shouldn't have dumped Edward, I should have stayed away from Violet since it's pretty obvious he's a playboy who plays with other people's feelings.
"I didn't mean for it to happen. And trust me it doesn't change how I feel for you", he says.
"Really?", I frown. But the butterflies in my tummy still dance like I'm not hurting, like he said I love you or something.
"Yeah", he nods. "You're my girl", I blush, that doesn't even mean anything but I blush.
From that day things changed. He lied way too much and didn't have time for me anymore. Then one Friday I saw him walking with Nox to town, I was sitting alone in the school bus headed home. I cried all the way till I got home.
By the end of the year we broke up.
And by next year my feeling came all back when I saw him. We actually rekindled. It was his last year in school and I had one more to go. Well, at school all seniors get to to camp so they'll have good results by the end of the year. And boy oh boy, I became the girl who'd bring him lunch from home or buy him lunch at school. Then again, on one Friday I got disappointed when I saw him with another girl, other than Nox. He said she's his cousin and damb as I am, I believed him. Then another girl was introduced, claiming she's a family friend. Well, I decided to investigate and I found out those are all his girlfriends. We broke up, yet again. Voilet got to notice how I felt when he's near me. Cause when I breakup with him, he'd give me time to heal then he'd come back and I'd fall into his arms like nothing happened. During our relationship we broke up 3 or 4 times. He'd mess up and I'd dump him only to get back with him when he decides to come back. I wasn't the girl of his dreams and I knew that. So one good day, as he apologized for another shitty move he's done, I forgave him. His apology was different from the others. He apologized for being a dick and said he loves me. For once I felt like this would work, he has changed. But after the apology he ignored me. He acted like he doesn't know me. He didn't say a word to me when we crossed paths and that destroyed what I felt for him.
Falling in love with Violet was like someone injected a drug straight into my heart. It took very long for it to wear out. Our last breakup depressed me. He promised to change then he ignored me. It was a poisoned sturb right through my chest.
Days went by, months, years. I never saw him again and I got to heal. Slowly at first then I got used to the idea of him being nothing to me. I never spoke of him or even wrote about him in any of my diaries.
Then suddenly there he was, on the same bus stop that I first saw him at. After 7 years of healing from his love, it all came back. Stronger than ever.
Reality
I guess Duncan can't be different afterall.