"BRO". SHE called me 'bro'. What the actual fuck.
Habang nakaupo sa isa sa mga couches sa lobby ay iyon ang tumatakbo sa utak ni Anton. Ilang minuto matapos siyang iwanan ni Erin upang umakyat sa opisina nito ay walang tigil sa pagnguyngoy ang binata sa loob niya. The term made him cringe to the core. It's a stupid word that just felt so wrong coming from Erin. He doesn't like it, but can he do anything about it? Not at this point. And even if he could do anything about it, why does he even care? Hindi ba't iyon naman ang dapat papel niya sa buhay ng dalaga? To be a friend. Or in this case, a good 'future' brother-in-law. So all good. Everything's fine.
But it's not. Wala, basta lang siya nairita sa katagang iyon. Period.
Inabala niya ang sarili sa pagbuklat ng isa sa mga magazines. Tinext na niya si Dr. Alfonso kanina na malelate sila ni Erin sa appointment dahil may kinailangang asikasuhin ang dalaga. Sa araw na ito ay ang itinalaga niyang araw para, sa wakas, i-schedule na si Erin para sa surgery ng gagawing heart transplant para rito. Dr. Alfonso knew about his plans and is more than willing to help him. Their agreement goes beyond doctor-patient confidentiality, Dr. Alfonso is actually a good friend of Erin's dad-Mr. V. Alam nito ang plano ng ama ni Erin at datapwat nagdadalawang-isip noong una ay pumayag na rin. Maybe that's the thing about dying, people start to tolerate your whims...
Flashback 2 years ago...
"Dr. Avila."
Hindi na kailangang lingunin pa ni Anton para malaman kung sino ang tumawag sa kanya dahil iisa lang naman ang tumatawag sa kanya niyon, asar na pinagsalikop niya ang dalawang braso sa gitna ng dibdib at sumandal sa inilaan na couch para sa kanilang mga pasyente tuwing therapy sessions nila.
"I see you're having a good day. Mukhang nakabuti ang dalawang araw nating pagshe-share ng kwarto, ah. We should do that often, don't you agree?" pang-aasar pa nito. His tone was neutral but there's warmth in his eyes, kaya lalo siyang naasar. It was as if he really is enjoying his company, heck, not even his parents looked at him like that. Pero hindi pa rin siya umimik. Wala siyang lakas para makipag-usap rito. Isang araw matapos ng 48-hour isolated-detention niya sa White Room ay dinala siya sa opisina ni Mr. V for post-assessments. He hasn't even slept a blink. Magdamag lang na dumaldal nang dumaldal ang doktor at tila sinadya siyang hindi 'pinagpahinga'. Tapos haharap na naman siya rito para sa isang post-assessment?
Give me a break.
"What do you want, Doc?" walang kagatoy-gatoy na sabi niya rito. There's no sense acting nice.
The bastard actually chuckled and clapped his hands in genuine awe. Kunot-noo naman itong tiningnan ni Anton, takang-taka sa reaksyon sa kanya ni Mr. V.
"You know, son, you've been here for 8 months and on your third admission. Despite the fact that you've been admitted three times in 2 years, this is the first time I actually saw something in your eyes other than cold, repressed rage. This is progress."
Nailing na lang si Anton sa ka-weirdo-han ng Doktor, tutal 30 minutes lang ang standard time allotment para sa post-assessments ng mga pasyenteng nagpalipas ng oras sa White Room, pagtitiyagaan na niya ito.
"Come on, just ask me the damn questions."
Saglit na pinagmasdan muna siya nito bago tuluyang nagseryoso ang anyo. Mr. V met his eyes with a seering, genuine gaze that almost made Anton uneasy.
"Why are you here, Anton?" tanong nito sa kanya.
"You tell me. You're the one who kept wanting me back."
"No. You're the one who kept coming back. Ever thought about that?"
"Look, Doc—Mr. V—or whatever. I didn't want to be here. My parents did. I didn't admit myself in here. My parents did. You accepted me because you can't say no to my parents—"
"So you made yourself think that we wanted you here, because your parents didn't."
Noon tuluyang natawa si Anton, isang malamig at sarkastikong halakhak ngunit hindi natinag si Mr. V.
"That's all this was, isn't it? Nobody wanted you, so you thought you belong here. In the hellhole of the lost and forsaken."
"Wow. How old do you think am I? 8?"
"Well atleast 8-year olds know what they want. How about you, Anton? What do you want?"
The question caught him off guard. It was actually the first time a therapist asked him that in a not hypothetical kind of way. Tiningnan siya ni Mr. V na para bang gusto talaga nitong malaman kung anong gusto niya. Nahuli ni Anton ang sarili na nag-iisip ng isasagot. Saglit pa siyang nagulat dahil nahanap niya sa sarili ang kagustuhang sagutin ang doktor. Ano nga bang gusto ko?
"I'm not sure..."
"You know it. At the back of your mind, you know it."
He always heard things about Mr. V like he's omniscient and as sharp as nail, but never did he expect they're true. Of course, he knows what he wanted more than anything. The sweet, alluring scent of what he's been leaning towards to ever since he started inhaling and chugging down poison into his body. The euphoric promise of peace and nothingness. A deep, endless abyss of oblivion.
"Death."
It was the first time he verbalized the very thing that ran through his mind every minute of his fleeting consciousness. There's a difference between thinking about dying and actually saying it. There's a definitive conviction in that very simple realization. Para bang unti-unting nagkaroon ng porma ang halu-halong tuldok na bumubuo sa mga panaginip niya. Tila unti-unting nabuo ang isang daan ng gusto niyang marating. And all it took is for him to mutter that one, single word: Death.
It's his truth. And it's the first time after a really long while that he faced his own truth.
"Why do you want to die?" bakas na bakas ang professionalism sa features ni Mr. V. Normally, he would cringe when a therapist tries to delve into the dark parts of his psyche, but not this time. It was as if Mr. V managed to establish a sense of familiarity with him in such a level that none of his previous therapists ever reached.
Want.
It's a pretty abstract word to him because growing up, what he wanted never really mattered. Or nobody cared enough to ask him, anyway. He never really had a place he would entirely belong to, or people he would call his friends because that would mean for people to 'want' him. Nobody did. The closest thing he would consider affiliations with is his brother, Andrew. Pero lagi naman itong wala. Malimit na mangibang-bansa para pagyamanin ang pag-aaral at payabungin ang pangalan ng pamilya nila. Andrew is a good brother to him and an even better son to their parents.
And can he blame them, though? Paano ba magiging mabuti kung ikaw mismo ay hindi mo kilala ang iyong sarili?
Pinag-aralan ni Mr. V ang file ni Anton. Ang binata ay pinalad na magkaroon ng IQ ng higit sa normal na tao, resulta upang mag-analisa ang utak nito nang higit sa normalidad. Kumbaga sa normal na tao, kapag pinakitaan mo ito ng litrato ng bulaklak, isang normal na picture ng bulaklak ang makikita nito. Subalit sa kaso ni Anton, ultimo fiber ng ginamit na papel, ang pagtama ng liwanag sa mga pintura upang mag-reflect ang anumang ibang kulay sa papel, ang mga shadows at levels na bumubuo sa kalahatan ng larawan ay nakikita nito. In science, they call it Low Latent Inhibition. Kung saan ang brain processes nito ay hindi kayang kaligtaan ang detalye at kaligirang aspeto ng kahit anong stimulus. And then they obsess about it, and eventually would do everything to process it. Simply put, the guy is literally too smart for his own good.
Kaya hindi nagtaka si Mr. V na kinailangang magdepende ng binata sa droga at alak upang kahit paano'y pahupain ang nakalililyong daloy ng utak nito. The poor kid needed guidance but his parents were too neglecting and too proud to give this boy a chance. Sa ganitong mga kaso, may inherent need ang pasyenteng gawin ang mga bagay na gustong mangyari. Kaya kung kamatayan nga ang talagang gustong marating ni Anton, only a huge amount of distraction would probably postpone his goal. But it is still inevitable.
Anton will die. Probably within his terms.
"Why do you want to die, Anton?" ulit ni Mr. V sa tanong niya.
Tiningnan siya ni Anton, there's a sense of submission in his tone, "Life is exhausting."
Tatlong salita, ngunit tila hirap na hirap ang binatang bunuin ang kabuuang daloy ng utak niya para pagkasyahin sa isang pangungusap. Those three words held so much reason for him and that seemed enough for Mr. V. See, usually a therapist should provide ways for patients to see things in a different viewpoint, but Mr. V always chose to take a different approach. Anton's previous therapists would have already said all the possible things, but even they couldn't help him. At this point, nobody can save him. In the mind of a patient with LLI, it is what it is.
Tumango-tango si Mr. V at sinarado ang folder na naglalaman ng patient sheet ni Anton. He realized, this man does't need any more by-the-book-bullshit. It's probably the longest time a therapist got him inside a formal session with actual progress breaking through, Mr. V will make it worth this chance. It's probably time that someone hears his own truth as well.
"Anton, I'm dying."
What Mr. V said is unexpected. Pero tahimik lang si Anton at hinintay ang sasabihin pa ng doktor.
"I have late stages of brain tumor. As a neurosurgeon, hindi ko na siguro kailangang ipaliwanag kung ano ang ibig sabihin niyon sa'yo. You're probably the only guy who knows about this aside from my doctor and I would appreciate it if you keep it that way."
"Why are you telling this to me?" kaswal na tanong ni Anton.
"Because we all die. So, no, I won't bore you with 'Life is good' bullshit because it's not. Contrary to public belief, it doesn't get better. But you know what, people does. They get better when they accept that life is about going through the worst things. And we can only go through it if we don't allow life the element of surprise. Kaya lang naman tayo nagugulat sa nagiging takbo ng buhay natin ay dahil umaasa tayong may bagong, magandang mangyayari. But one way or another, the only inevitable thing we can look forward to is the fact that we all die."
"Are you saying we're going through the same thing? Because I'm not sure if you're understanding correctly, but you're dying. And I want to die. It's different."
"What's the difference? Intent? What, you think I don't want to die? Do you see me fighting for my life?" natawa pa si Mr. V sa nabubuong kalituhan sa mukha ni Anton.
"I'm not following..."
"I accepted my fate, I'm actually looking forward to it. Pero hindi ako tamad para hintayin na lang iyon basta. The real essence of a sweet death is knowing you died for something. At pakiramdam ko, iyon rin ang hinihintay mo kaya hindi mo pa rin kinikitil ang sarili mong buhay. Kung bakit ang pagkamatay ni Katie ang nagpagupo sa iyo nang tuluyan dahil nawalan ka ng magandang rason para payapang makatawid sa kung saan man ang sinasabi nilang 'kabilang-buhay'."
Ikinuyom ni Anton ang isang palad sa pagbanggit ni Mr. V sa pangalan ng dating pasyente. Nasaling ang anumang nasa loob niya nang marinig ng binata ang pangalan ng batang babae, pero wala siyang makapang pag-alma sa mga sinabi ni Mr. V dahil iyon marahil ang pinakamalapit sa katotohanan na paliwanag na narinig niya hinggil sa eskandalong kinasangkutan niya. Katie was his idea of hope, of finally being worthy for the promise of death. Ngunit pati iyon ay nawala. Ramdam niya ang panginginig ng kamao sa galit subalit tahimik pa rin siya. Anton is absorbing every word from Mr. V and it's surprisingly making him feel better. He's still pissed and hating himself, but somehow he's starting to see the tiniest sense of clarity.
"To tell you the truth, I have my own version of Katie. My daughter, Erin. She only knew little memories of me but I've watched over her from afar. Pinangako kong kung mamamatay ako, sisiguruhin kong mabubuhay naman siya. You see, she has Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. I left her to find a cure for my baby girl's heart but I've search too long and now it's too late. Heart transplant na lang ang makakapagdugtong sa buhay ng anak ko. I would give her my heart but we're incompatible. Fucking ironies."
Dama ang pait at pagsisisi sa tono ni Mr. V habang nagsasalita kahit pa sinundan nito iyon ng pagtawa. And then an idea struck him, it felt like a click, like the missing puzzle piece.
"What I'm saying is, what you need is a new reason to die in peace. The only thing worse than killing yourself is killing yourself without a proper reason why you're ending your own life," dagdag pa ni Mr. V nang hindi pa rin umiimik si Anton, pinakikinggan lang nito ang matandang lalaki pero may bagong plano ang nabuo sa isip niya.
"I already have," determinadong sabi ni Anton pagkatapos. Gulat man ay nanatiling neutral ang ekpresyon ni Mr. V. Hinintay nitong i-elaborate ni Anton ang ibig nitong sabihin. "I found my new Katie."
"I'm not sure I'm following..."
"Your daughter. Erin, right? She can be my new Katie."
Kahit kay Anton ay tila isang kabaliwan ang pinagsasabi niya, subalit may kakaibang klase ng kasiguruhang tama ang tinatahak niyang bagong daan. He has no idea where to start and how to deal with this new found distraction in the form of Mr. V's daughter but it felt right. And just like that, all possible scenarios came through his mind, flooding his already overwhelmed thoughts with new ideas—
"Wait a minute—Stop. Before you drown in your own brain, chill the fuck out and explain to me how in the world did you twist my own words into thinking that my daughter can be your new Katie."
The firmness in Mr. V's tone actually made Anton chuckle. Maging ang binata ay nagulat nang kumawala sa bibig niya ang isang totoong pagtawa.
"What's Erin's bloodtype?" tanong ni Anton kapagkuwan.
"B negative."
"Look at that, we have the same blood type. Searching for her heart donor became a little less difficult for you because you're looking at him now."
Now it's the doctor's turn to be caught off guard. Bahagyang kumunot ang noo nito habang inaabsorb ang sinasabi ni Anton.
"What are you saying? You'll kill yourself so my daughter would live?" nagpapantastikuhang tanong nito sa kanya.
"Well, that's one way to put it."
"You're insane."
"Is it, really? It's logic. I wanted to die, you wanted a heart for your girl. It's a win-win."
Tahimik pa rin si Mr. V habang pinagiisipan ang mga sinasabi ni Anton. This is clearly not the way how the doctor pictured this exchange would turn out. Anton took the doctor's silence as his cue to keep talking.
"Look, Mr. V, heto na marahil ang pinakamahabang pagsasalita ko sa lahat ng naging therapy sessions ko, and I don't know if you notice but we're doing serious progress here. I finally found clarity within my deranged thoughts and we both got a way to welcome death peacefully. It's Erin's life we're trying to save and I'm a willing volunteer. Take it."
Ilang saglit itong nag-isip, halatang diskumpiyado pa rin sa inilatag na plano ng binata dahil, unang-una, hindi sila magkaano-ano.
"Why are you doing this?" wala sa sariling naitanong ni Mr. V.
"Well, other than the fact that it's one easy chance I get to die in peace, doing this would also mean you'll owe me. The great Mr. V who nobody knew his real name, will owe me. Huh."
Natawa na lang ito sa sariling paliwanag niya. Tumango si Mr. V at inilabas ang isang manila envelope kung saan naglalaman ang last will and testament niya, pati na ang ilang hakbang na nauna na niyang asikasuhin para sa anak. Inabot niya iyon kay Anton. "As long as my daughter lives and she's happy, promise me you'll go through this."
"You got it."
Tumango si Mr. V. "And Alvin. My name is Alvin Villaflor..."