I am sitting in the lecture room, bored to death because I have already gone through everything in that textbook. People say that I am smart, but I refuse to believe it. If a book is not interesting, I quickly scan through it and by scanning I am able to conclude what the book is about. Besides my father is a businessman he taught me about business from a very young age. It was because I was the curious one at home. The business world has always been very interesting for me; hence I was always asking my father questions concerning business.
What made me bored to the core was that the lecture was talking about something that my father always emphasised about. The book we were using was the same book my father gave me when I was in grade 10. The only difference was the editions, obviously the one from my father, was the earliest and ours used latest examples. However, the content was the same. At home, my father always asked me about the book each page. I was supposed to know it by heart. Now guess what, I have to listen to the same thing I have been doing all these years.
Finally, the lecture finished, and I could now go to the library to read my novel. I used to read my novels at the library because well, I was staying at a men's res. It was either likely that you will hear different sounds and mostly the first thing that came to your mind. I liked studying and reading novels in a quiet place. Whenever I was there, I would connect better with the story and I would be able to give positive feedback from whatever type of literature that I am reading.
On my way to the library, I received a phone call-it was my sister Lucia.
"Hey Lucia, what do you want to me now?" I asked. I knew her.
"Hey, Matt…it's dad he has had a heart attack…Please come to the hospital. We need you, especially mommy," she said.
I quickly dropped my phone, grabbed my car keys, and rushed to the hospital. My father was the pillar of my strength. The pillar of the family's strength. I wasn't ready to lose him…not now at least. There were so many things that I needed to achieve in my life that I needed guidance from him. After all, my father was my living legend, I looked up to him. When I was a boy I used to say that I wanted to be just like my father. A man with integrity and so much dignity. Whatever he said I used to follow and thread carefully. Now that he was in hospital, I just fell apart.
Should I call Jen? No, I can't, she will make unnecessary fuss about this. She might even make this to be about her. Sindi? Though she is a perfect candidate, she might end up taking this that I want things to be serious between us. You know what, I will just have to swallow it in.
When I arrived at the hospital, my mom, Lucia, and Derrick looked like they had no life or sense of hope. Their faces were pale and lifeless…My mom looked like she had cried her lungs out and still had more tears that kept rolling down her cheek. Derrick's hair was a mess, he tends to roughly brush it whenever he's stressed-I also do that from time to time. I probably have done that already unconsciously so. Lucia was just numb. Beauty was consoling my mom and knowing her, my mom was probably worse the minute she found out.
"What happened?" I asked.
[silence]
"I said what happened?" I repeated myself again, we were all going through trauma, but I was still expecting an answer at least from one of them.
"Dad was going through intense stress and he was hiding it…He just collapsed in the middle of the meeting," said Derrick after a while of silence.
The way I asked it was as if I were going to do something about it…I wish I could, but I didn't have the healing powers. A strong desire that I had which was pointless because there was nothing I could do. I wanted to enter in his ward, but they stopped me.
"We are not allowed to enter Matthew," said Beauty.
[silence]
All of this that was happening felt so unreal, like a dream that could end at any minute. I wanted to believe that everything was going to be alright, but it was hard to believe in something that I had no evidence to support me. I couldn't even look at my mom, she was falling into pieces right before me and I was also powerless to uplift her. The moment I needed my father was the moment I had lost him. Lucia might be the party animal and the wildest in the family, but right now she was something else. She and my mother were the most affected.
After 2 hours the doctor called my mom, we all wanted to go with her, but we were not allowed to. The only reason why Beauty was allowed to be a part of the conversation was because my mother insisted that she needed her. The tension which the doctor arrived with was felt by everyone. We all knew that he wasn't going to be the bearer of good news. The suspense was killing each and every one of us and everything seemed like things were going to be worse and I was right. My mother started screaming and my heartbeat started racing.
"Not my husband! No no…" she shouted, and everyone started crying.
My mother collapsed and the nurses attended her, immediately she was admitted. Beauty came to us, this time her face didn't show any emotion.
"(sigh) Your father is not dead, but he is in an induced coma," she said.
"So, he is still alive?" asked Derrick.
"Yes Derrick, but the doctor said something about his heart not responding the way it should…I don't know these things my kids. But all we can do now is to hope that everything will be okay," she said.
For the very first time in my life, I have never seen Beauty in this state. She was not that strong woman I know. It's like this incident was triggering a similar incident that took place in her life. Everyone I needed was somehow unavailable at that moment, my father, mother, Beauty, and my siblings. The doctor came back to us.
"Your mother is in shock by the news I told her, however she will be fine. We will monitor her for the night. Also, to give her time to adjust to what's happening. All I can say right now is go home and rest, it's going to be difficult times and you need all the strength you can get for this," the doctor said.
"No, I am not leaving my parents in this place!" shouted Lucia those were the only words she said ever since I came to the hospital.
"I can't do this right now, I am going back to school, call me if there's any change," I said and then stormed out.
Being at the hospital was going to drain me further. I needed a different environment to help me to be better and deal with the trauma. No one tried to stop me, everyone wasn't able to get to me when I was in this state. They all knew I was better off alone. I drove back to the campus after parking my car I received a call from Jen.
"Hey baby, how are you?" Jen
"I am good and yourself?" I replied.
"I am good thanks, are you okay? Did I call at a bad time?" Jen.
"Yeah actually you did," I replied.
"What's wrong? I can tell that you are not okay," Jen.
"I told you already, I am not okay, what else do you want me to say? Leave me alone Jen," I shouted and dropped the phone call.
The next thing I called Sindi.
"Hey Matt,"-Sindi
"Sindi come to my room, I need you,"
"Okay,"-Sindi
[hangs up]
I went to my room; played pop music and threw myself on the bed. Music is the only thing that makes sense to me at that state. I am pretty sure Sindi was shocked that I called her to my room. Even I amused myself as well, but I understood I was going through trauma and all my actions were trauma driven. I wasn't thinking straight. The distance between Sindi's res and my res is 10 minutes, but it took about 4 minutes for her to be knocking at my room. I am pretty sure she was excited by my unexpected call.
"Come in," I said after she knocked.
Sindi walked in and she was all dressed up. Knowing her, she went all out because I called her. The minute she walked in I jumped off the bed and I kissed her. The kiss was so passionate and full of love. Then I caressed her body…I guess I was going to make love to her on that day. We had one deep and heartfelt lovemaking. After that I was hoping the pain will subside, but it was worsened by what she said to me.
"I love you Matthew," she said.
"I love you too," I said and cuddled her.
I knew exactly why I said this even though I didn't mean it. The last thing I needed was to hurt her, not whilst I was hurting too. It would make me feel like a horrible person. The last thing I need is losing Sindi she was close to my heart, but not close enough for me to love her. After that hot and steamy lovemaking session I told her that I needed to do schoolwork and I was going to see her later.
"But baby, I want to cuddle…that was great…Thank you for fulfilling my request, I love you," she said.
"Okay, I want to, but I really have to study," I explained.
"You can study, I won't be a distraction, I promise," she said holding me tighter.
"I will have to be at the library," I said.
"Okay then, I guess I will see you later," she said standing up and then she got dressed.
My greatest problem is I tend to make wrong decisions and say things I shouldn't say when I am in a bad state. Sadly, now I was in deep trouble and I couldn't tell Josh about it because him and Sindi don't get along very well. In fact, the minute I mention that I have been sleeping with her, he will start treating me different, like somehow she had turned me to become black through sex. Josh was racist, there was absolutely no way things were going to end well if he came to know this. Therefore, this meant I had to face this dilemma I was going through all alone.
[sigh]
Now I had to go to the library even when I wasn't intending to. I decided to take one of the novels she gave me and some few books to look convincing. You know just in case she pops out of nowhere to check if I really went to the library and studying. Maybe I needed this, after the heck of the day that I had. Some reading would give me time off things. Then I went down to the library and I sat in one of the benches outside. I wasn't paying attention who was sitting next to me, my mind was flying around trying to figure things out.
"Matt? Hi, are you okay?" asked Lebo.
"Sorry Lebo, I didn't realise that you are the one sitting here. How are you?" I said.
"I am good thanks, but what about you? Are you good? Because you don't look okay," Lebo said.
"I am fine thanks," I said whilst smiling trying to brush her off.
"No, you are not, talk to me," Lebo said and then she looked straight into my eyes.
[sigh]
"I just need time to be alone if you don't mind," I said in a rude tone.
"Not when you are like this, you look like you need to talk to someone…I insist on being the listener," Lebo said.
"I am fine Lebo," I said.
"No, you are not, and I won't let you do anything till you talk what's bugging you," Lebo said.
[silence]
"Talk to me," Lebo insisted.
"I don't want to talk about it!" I snapped.
"So, you do admit that there is something? Anyways that's all I wanted you to do, to vent about it. If you want someone to talk to…I will be inside the library reading this novel, it's getting chilly out here," she said and left me like that.
Shouting at her helped me and I was able to feel just a little better about everything. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing to talk to her. However, the part of my father I can tell her. I am not sure if I can be open about this thing going on between Sindi and I. What if she tells her friend about this? I don't think I can trust her about this, no, at least not now…