I hate talking when I am eating and there's a specific reason. When I was younger, I had this habit of being talkative during supper and Mme Morena hated such behaviour. So, this other time we were eating breakfast, to be exact we were eating soft porridge and it was still hot. Normally, I wait for it to cool down, but it was winter, and I needed hot food to help me be warmer. At first, Mme told me to wait for the porridge to cool down because it was very hot, and I told her I would eat it and she just said okay. They were all waiting for their porridge to cool down as I was eating whilst we were watching TV.
Then it happened that there was this shoe Neo and I were arguing about in one commercial. We were arguing about its colour, a few days before that day and we decided that when the commercial plays we will see who was right. So, I shouted to Neo:
"I told you that the shoe was blue,"
I didn't see her hand coming towards me and I lifted my bowl of hot porridge. The only thing I heard was the entire porridge on my thighs as she hit the bowl instead. The worst part was I was still wearing my night dress and she had told me to change it before I would eat. I screamed my lungs out as the porridge was still very hot, it was coming straight from the pot. Mme Morena didn't even attend me she just gave me a long stare as I was jumping up and down. Then I stood up cleaned the mess in the sitting room and changed my night dress.
"Serves you right, maybe now you'll learn not to speak whilst eating and to change your night dress immediately after waking up," she said when I was now settled down.
Since that porridge was hot, it left a huge mark on my thighs and for that reason I never wear shorts. Mme Morena never had a problem with us wearing shorts. In fact, she would but them for me or bring some from Mrs Thompson. She had a daughter who liked wearing things once and then want to throw them away. When Mme would give me those shorts, I would pass them to Bonolo, but they wouldn't fit her properly, so, I would amend them up for her. Therefore, ever since that day, I never talk whilst eating. If I ever have to talk with food on my mouth, I make sure to cover my mouth, that's what Mme would say.
[sigh]
"Sorry Matt, I never talk when I eat…To answer your question, I didn't buy them, I baked them," I explained.
"Really? No man…stop messing with me…Are you for real?" he asked.
"Yeah, I bake, my mother taught me how to bake at a very tender age, so now I even add my own twist when baking. For example, for these scones to be juicy, I added my magic touch," I said.
"Really? Wow…" he said.
[silence]
"Anyways, we are not here to talk about my baking, you said you wanted us to talk, so let's talk," I said breaking the silence.
"(clears throat) I wanted to apologise about my behaviour. I shouldn't have vented on you like that," he said.
"I am not here for your apology; I want to hear what is bothering you? I can see that there is something bothering you, it still is bothering you even now," I said.
"What are you a psychic or something?" he chuckled I could see that he was dodging my question.
"No, I am not, but I would appreciate if you answer my question though," I said.
"(clears throat) I found out that my father was in hospital, he had a heart attack and his condition is very critical. He is in ICU as we speak," he said.
"Go on…talk to me, I know there's more," I replied.
"What do you mean there's more?" he asked, and I could tell that he was defensive and there was something he was hiding.
"Look Matt, I am not here to talk, but I am here to listen. Basically, I am here to be your punching bag," I said.
I had to become a mother at a tender age. Mme Morena started working for Mrs Thompson when I was 5 years old and at that time it was only I and Neo. Neo was 2 years younger than me. The reason why Mme had to work was because we lost our father. According to Mme, he was working in the mines and he was a manager. It happened one day that one of the workers collapsed during labour and he rushed in to attend him. Unfortunately, the mine was not stable, and it collapsed over them. That time, Mme was pregnant of Bonolo and she was a housewife.
The company did compensate all families that lost their loved ones in the mines. Since we were renting a room, with the money, Mme decided to buy a house and a furniture and some groceries. Then our neighbours heard of what happened and informed Mme that there was a job of a domestic worker needed urgently-she was also a domestic worker in the same street. Mme went for an interview and Mrs Thompson hired her. Though she was worried about her condition, working whilst pregnant, but she wanted to help with the situation of my mom being the only one left to provide for us.
Mme worked during her pregnancy and even after giving birth, she went back to work few months later. Every morning when I went to school, I would take Bonolo to the day care and then go to school. When I would come back, she was my responsibility and sometimes she would cry for no reason. Though Mrs Thompson suggested that Bonolo should stay with her in the cottage, Mme refused and said everything was well taken care of. In other words, I Lebo, was taking care of everything in the house whilst she was at work making money for us to live better and we did.
So, I had to be the mini Mme Morena of the house. I had to take care of the house and be a mother to my siblings. From that way of living, I learned the importance of being a good listener. This I learned because at first Neo and I wouldn't get along because I would take time to listen to him. It was the same thing with Bonolo, I had to learn how to listen to them especially when they had grievances about school and when playing with other kids. Though it was a sound reason why I could do that I was also a child myself, but, the day I learned there was a huge improvement in my relationship with my siblings.
"I feel so much pain and I don't even know what to do with it," he said, and he looked down.
"It's okay to cry you know, besides it's only the two of us here so you don't have to be worried about your ego," I said.
I used to say the same words with Neo when he would tell me his teenage problems. Us losing a father at a tender age made Neo to be vulnerable to pain. He was the one who took the loss of our father harder than all of us as his children. I think it had to do with the fact that he was a boy-child and his friends at school would always talk about their father and he couldn't. It was also harder for me because sometimes there were things, especially when he was entering in teenagerhood would happen to him and I couldn't explain. We also couldn't even ask Mme because we just couldn't.
[silence]
Matt was looking down and I wasn't sure if he was just quiet or something else. It was when his shoulders were shaking that I realised that he was crying. Then I hugged him, quietly. I don't believe in saying I am sorry because I think saying sorry is only making a person feeling worse. Just being there and listening to them is the only thing that makes them feel better, nothing more and definitely nothing less. We remained in that position up until he stopped crying.
[silence]
"(sniffing) I am sorry I ruined your t-shirt," he said.
"Ugh, nonsense…I will just wash it don't worry yourself. How are you feeling now?" I asked.
"Much better, actually thanks…" he said with a little smile.
"There's nothing wrong with not being okay, but everything is wrong when bottling your feelings inside. They need to be expressed otherwise they do a lot of damage inside," I said.
"You sound like an old woman, way older than me," he chuckled.
"I had to grow faster than my actual age," she said.
"I see, thank you so much for this moment…I think it is what I needed. Just wish I had talked to you sooner, I wouldn't have done what I did to make myself feel better," he said.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I have a girlfriend and I a friend-with-benefit…I slept with both, but I never told any of them what I was going through," he said whilst looking away.
"Why?" I asked.
"I just didn't want them to fuss over me…Wait so you are not judging me for having a girlfriend and a friend-with-benefit?" he asked.
"No, but I want to know how does it make you feel? Do you have any kind of problem with it? Because if you have then I would suggest you start thinking carefully who amongst this two you need to let go," I explained.
"Nah…I prefer to keep them both," he said.
"Okay then…" I said and then My phone rang…
"Hello?" I said
"Baby…hey, can we meet in 2 hours' time at the library?" said Gary.
"Actually, I am at the library…So, you will find me here," I said.
"Who are you with?" he asked.
"I am with a friend baby," I said, and I saw the discomfort in Matt's eyes immediately when I said that.
"Okay, I am coming there now," he said, and he dropped the phone.
[sigh]
"I think I better go…thanks for the chat," said Matt as he stood up.
"No please stay, my boyfriend is on the way and I want you to meet him. I think he will have to know that I have a male friend," I said.
"Maybe some other time," he replied.
"Okay, then some other time it is…At least call to find out how your father is doing," I said.
"Will do, but I really have to go now," he said and then he left before I could say any other word.
If I didn't know better, I would say he was running from something.
What's wrong with him? I thought after pouring his heart out he would be fine. What's with this sudden stunt that he just pulled?
[sigh]
As I was drowning in my thoughts, someone came from behind me and covered my eyes…
"Gary?" I said then he opened my eyes and smiled at me.
Yep it was Gary…It was very easy for me to guess because well, I am dating a white person their hands are different from ours. There was no way that it could be Matt judging by the speed he left me in. Speaking of him, I just hoping that he was fine where he was. I wondered if the little chat we had made an impact.
"Hey baby…I missed you so much," he said smiling from ear to ear.
"I missed you too…" I said smiling back.
"So, where's your friend?" he asked, there was just something in the way that he asked.
"He left, just now, I told him he should wait, but he said he had to go. Whatever it is that came up must have been urgent because he rushed out so quickly I couldn't even say goodbye," I said.
"I see…So, you have male friends?" he asked.
"Yes, is that a problem?" I replied.
"No…but why can't you have female friends instead?" he asked.
"Listen here Matt is one of my friends, if you have a problem with it that's your problem not mine. I don't have time to nurse your feelings. If you think I am one of those girls who are controlled of who to be friends with then think again…okay? Need I not remind you that you are the one who said to me you love me, this doesn't mean I have to change who I am…If you love me you will love me as I am," I said and I stood up I was very angered by what he said and his tone.
"Baby…Lebo, I am sorry about my behaviour, I didn't mean to anger you at all…You are a remarkable woman you know, I guess I am still overwhelmed by the fact that you are mine. I thought you would reject me...You can be friends with anyone I won't bother you anymore, I promise. I just can't lose you and you being with another guy makes me feel insecure," he said.
"Look Gary, you being my boyfriend doesn't give you any right to 'permit me' to be friends with someone, okay?" I said.
"I am so sorry, I am not perfect…I have my mistakes and I hope you'll love me besides them," he said.
[sigh]
"It's okay…I just never liked being controlled, it brings out the worst in me and I hope you are not a control freak…because if you are then we are going to have a serious problem," I said looking at him with sharp eyes.
"Of course, I promise I won't," he said, his eyes made me to trust him.
His eyes were so pure, full of light and hope…They can make you easily fall for any trick that was up his sleeves. I just had to be careful with him because they can easily turn me into something I am not. Another intriguing thing about these eyes, was that they were full of love. When looking at them, I could see how much love he has for me…
[sigh]
"Okay then, so how did you find today's lecture?" I asked, I was tired of the tension hovering the environment.
"I didn't understand a thing that lecturer said. You'd swear she was rumbling like a rapper," he chuckled.
"What? She was making perfect sense…I could sense that majority of the class was confused. I really don't understand because everything made sense," I said.
"You were good at Maths in high school right?" he asked.
"Yeah…I got 95% in Maths, I am not trying to brag though," I said.
"What? Shut the front door! So, are you telling me that you are not just a sweet face, but you've got the brains too? Oh man, I am the luckiest man on earth," he said beaming from ear to ear.
"Yeah something like that," I said I was probably blushing at that time.
"I guess I will have to take extra lessons from you then on this module. Did you eat today?" he asked.
"Yeah, I had home baked scones not so long," I said.
"Please don't amaze me further and say you baked those too," he chuckled.
"I actually did," I said I was blushing even further.
"Wow…I don't know what to say…I am going to marry you," he said.
Nothing felt so good hearing those kinds of words…but from the past, I learnt that words are easy to say but actions matters, and intentions are more crucial than anything. I still didn't trust his intentions about me, I guess I will have to open my eyes wide and observe everything he does and says. There was no way I was going to dive into his arms without being certain about his intentions. Although I told him that I did eat, he insisted on buying me my favourite treat, chocolate, and mint ice cream. Then he walked me back to my res.
When we arrived at our res building, he stopped at the door and he gave me a hug. I was expecting that he was going to come in my room with me like he did the day before…
"Aren't you coming in?" I asked.
"No, I can't come in…Now things are different I am your boyfriend and I don't want you to think I want a sex-based relationship. There's more to it than just that. I regard you as someone very special. You therefore deserve my utmost respect," he said and then he hugged me.
Whilst we were still in our arms his phone rang and he broke our hug.
"Hello?" he said answering the phone and walked away to get some privacy.
A part of me was disturbed by him not answering his phone in front of me. Ever since what happened to me, I admit to having trust issues and his actions were condoning my distrust. I mean why would he find it hard for him to answer his phone in front of me. Whoever it was couldn't be that bad unless he had something to hide from me. Whatever it is, I was going to have to find out…hopefully soon. As for now, I can't trust him, not when he is acting this strange towards me.
"Sorry baby, I have to go…something came up," he said as he left in a hurry.
I wonder what's up…