After the interesting conversation I had with Matt I went in the library. I read my book, but I was worried about Matt. He looked like a mess and I couldn't help but to be worried. When I come across a person who is not okay, automatically I also don't feel well. My sole desire is to help them or at least even if I can't help them do something to make them feel better. Just like Mme Morena, she was someone who loved taking care of people. When I was younger, I would become annoyed by her actions. She always bought extra food and clothing for strangers.
What annoyed me was that we also had little, but she still could share the little we had with a complete stranger. Neo used to say to Mme that these people were pretending to be poor and her response would be:
"It doesn't matter, we must always do the right thing all the time,
I never understood this till I realised that I also had the same empathy towards people. Therefore, I was worried about Matt, greatly so. The first few minutes of reading the book I was distracted. I thought that he would come, but he didn't. When I saw that he wasn't coming I began reading the novel. I was reading was a romantic novel and not that I didn't believe in love, but I had no idea what it was. The book was nice and perfect, and I don't believe there was something like that in real life
In high school, I dated a guy, trust me when I say his name is not important. I was a nerd at school, very focused and for me, school was a place to learn and not socialise. For that reason, the only thing that was my friend was my schoolwork. I was a workaholic, and never gave myself a break. One time on my way back home that guy tried his luck and I refused. However, since he was constantly persisting that we should date, I ended up agreeing
Luckily, Bonolo and Neo were in another school far from mine for them to see what their sister was up to. Otherwise, they would tell Mme the second they could. At first when we were dating, I wasn't sure of his intentions, I was sceptical about everything. He was a perfect gentleman, and everything was smooth. We only saw each other at school it wouldn't be possible for me to leave the house on weekends. My siblings were not supposed to know that I was dating someone
After dating for 3 months he made a move and we kissed. I must say that though reluctant I wanted to please him after the way he treated me-like a princess. When I was with the guy I felt at ease, nothing else mattered to me than to be with him. The first time we kissed it was in a school passage during after school. We were chatting for long hours, standing next to the balcony. When the passage was empty, he pulled me and told me that he wanted to kiss me. I then agreed, and it was one long kiss. Yes, it was my first time, but his lead made me to easily follow.
We continued dating for a year and then he told me that he wanted us to have sex and we did. It happened in his place some day after school. Believe me when I said I was scared, I was nervous about falling pregnant, I didn't know what would happen if things went wrong. Surprisingly, I only found out that day that he was just living in the same street where our school was. This assured me that if this relationship was based on sex, then he would have run out of patience a long time ago.
Therefore, we arrived in his home, it was a nice and clean home (yes I was obsessed with clean places even then). He was very nice to me, first he offered me food, oh I was hungry at that time. I was served some fruit juice and a cheese sandwich. When I finished eating, we talked about the future, he was telling me that he loved me, and he wants to marry me after school. Then I relaxed, this was probably because even though we were sitting on the same couch, he wasn't all touchy-touchy. Out of the blue, I initiated the kiss, I felt like after all the guy deserved me because all this time he was treating me with respect and so much love
My first time was scary, but he was very gentle with me. After our encounter, we lied on his bed for a while and then he told me that I should go. His main worry was that he didn't want my siblings to suspect anything. Before I left, we took a shower together and now I felt like I wanted more. I felt so clingy towards him, like I could never let him go and that I needed him. He accompanied me halfway to home as usual and he kissed my forehead saying that I was made his year and he thanked me. Even though there was a throbbing pain between my legs, I walked like nothing happened. I was over the moon that I did it with him, I mean the guy loved me dearly
The next day I searched for him before classes commenced and he was nowhere to be found. This was unusual because I would find him at the gate waiting for me. I started to worry that something might have happened to him. The guy was nowhere to be found the entire day. So, I decided to ask his friends where he was. I wasn't close to them, the only thing that I would do was to greet them and that's all. Surely they were shocked that I came to ask about their friend. They told me that the last time they saw him was the day before and now I was getting worried
The minute I turned, they laughed out loud, I couldn't help but feel like they were laughing at me. However, my worry about my boyfriend was a priority, I thought something could have happened to him. I was more convinced that something was wrong with him. Then I went to his house now that I knew it, it wasn't going to be difficult for me to find. I knocked at the door and he opened the door quickly. He was wrapped in a towel; I think he was bathing before I came. I couldn't believe when he asked me what I wanted and that I got a wrong address.
I was about to open my mouth when I saw my classmate, also wearing a towel, the same towel I was wearing yesterday, and I couldn't believe. That guy didn't have a sense of remorse for what he did. Instead, he continued acting like he didn't know me in front of my classmate and shut the door on me. Have you ever felt too much pain to the point that it makes you numb? To the point that the pain becomes too painful to bear and you don't even have strength to cry? That's how I felt
I became depressed because it was only after that incident I realised it was never about love. One of his friends came to add salt on my wound and confessed that it was all a bet. I was targeted because I was someone focused, and that guy wanted to prove a point. My heart couldn't bear, and the sad part was I couldn't tell anyone about it, I had no friends. Mme Morena saw that I wasn't okay, obviously she asked. Then I made a fake story that I failed a test. When I told her this, she just replied to me that I was overreacting. However, there was one thing she told me that stuck by me till today
"Ngwanaka everything in life comes and goes, what matters is what you take from it,"
All this happened when I was 14 years old, doing grade 8 and the guy was doing grade 10. It really took time for me to heal from it. Sometimes I don't think I have healed completely from it. That was the reason why I was scared of Gary's actions, he was being too kind. My biggest question is what if he also wanted to use me or even own me in the name of love? How was I supposed to know
[sigh
I read a quarter of the book and it was extremely dark outside. Though I wanted to read the novel further, but I was afraid of walking alone back to res at night. I guess I am still not used to the res life yet. Then I packed my things and off I went to res. My journey was surprisingly peaceful and there was a cool breeze. When I arrived in my room it was only then I realised I had left my phone and it had 6 missed calls from Mme Morena. Then I decided to call her back
"Dumela (Hello) Mme Morena," I said
"Ngwanaka I was worried sick when you were not taking my calls. I was just about to call the police and there at res to find out if you are okay and still alive," she replied
"I am okay Mme, don't worry about me…Besides where would you find the numbers at res?" I asked whilst chuckling
"I took them from the securities that were at the reception that day," she explained (my mom though)
"Okay, Mme, don't worry I am okay. I was just in the library to read," I said
"Hawu ngwanaka, you are already studying from day one. I had no idea that varsity was this difficult…How was your first day?" she asked
"It was okay mom, everything went well," I said, I had to lie because she would make unnecessary fuss had I told her the truth
Another reason why I couldn't tell her was that it was going to be hard to tell her about my day without including Gary.
"That's good ngwanaka just be focussed and don't forget to pray. I need to go back to work now, goodnight love you," she said
"Goodnight Mme love you too," I said and then she hung up
It was the first time my mother said those words and I was left speechless. Yes, my mother used to show her love towards us, but she never said it with her own mouth. I guess being at varsity comes with its perks and I might as well get used to it. After my mother's phone call, I was hungry, so I wanted to warm up the food and eat, but then I had to go to Sindi's room and let her know that I was going to eat. She opened after I knocked 3 times
"Hey girl, I am about to eat, I wanted to know if you want me to dish up for you," I said to her
"Nah, I am still reading this novel, what you can do for me is dish up and bring the pots to me-don't worry I will wash them," she said her hand was holding a novel
"Okay will do," I said and then shut the door
I then dished up for myself and warmed up, the rest of the food I gave to Sindi. After eating I continued reading the novel, it wasn't noisy at least. As I was reading, the was a knock on the door. The only person who could knock was Sindi, I thought she returned my pots, but I guess I was wrong because to my surprise it was Gary.
"Gary, what are you doing here at this time?" I asked
"Lebo, I sent you my laptop, the one that I promised since you didn't notify me that you received it I came to check personally," he said as he entered my room and sat on the chair
"I thought you said it was second hand. I am sorry but I can't accept it," I said taking it from the wardrobe and handing it to him
"Okay, maybe it's new, but please take it as a gift," he begged
"No Gary, how do I take a R15000 gift whilst you already bought me schoolbooks? This is too much, I will make a plan to get a second-hand laptop somewhere," I said still holding the laptop
"In that case, I am not taking it back, you can either sell it or keep it. It's all up to you," he said whilst smiling
His smile was so warm, and welcoming. I couldn't help but be charmed by it and then I smiled back. We locked eyes for some time and there was complete silence. The reason I was staring at him, I was trying to see his intentions about me through his eyes. I could see the love in his eyes and sincerity, but I still didn't understand why he had to go all out financially to prove his love for me-that's if he really loved me. As our eyes were locked, he stood up and came towards me and kissed me. I don't know why I didn't push him away or stop the kiss, I just kissed him back
"I love you, please look at my eyes and tell me if you can't see it," he said cupping my face directing it to his eyes
"So, what if I don't love you? What if I don't trust you? What then?" I asked
"Just let me love you Lebogang, let me love you…Please give me a chance to treat you the way you deserve…a princess you truly are," he said
"Can I think about it? Please give me time," I said whilst pushing him away
"Okay, sorry I can't wait though," he said
"Anyways…tell me though what do your parents say when you waste so much money on someone you saw in just one day?" I asked
"Nothing, they are probably relieved I am not spending too much money this time," he chuckled
"You spent almost R30 000 in one day, and by that you didn't spend much?" I asked
"Trust me that amount is nothing, they probably won't even notice it's gone. However, I don't want you to look at the amount, but the reason why I did this," he said his face became serious
"And why is that? Please don't tell me it's because you 'love me' because love is priceless," I said
"I did it because I love you, you deserve the best and if I can afford the best why not?" he asked
Can I trust you Gary? Are you saying this because you are expecting something from me
"I know what you are thinking, you probably asking yourself about my intentions. They are pure, I really love you, and I mean it. Do you think someone like me who has money would spend so much money in one day? You think I would drive back from home which is 2 hours away from the campus just to see you? Lebo, the very minute you entered in the auditorium you filled the whole room with your presence and I just fell in love with you. Then you sat next to me, I couldn't stop staring, but you were too focused on the lecture you didn't even notice," he continued after seeing that I was lost in my thoughts
[sigh
"Are you saying this for the sake of saying it or you mean it?" I asked
"Look at me and discover it by yourself," he replied
"I love you," he continued
"But what if I don't love you back?" I asked
"I just want to love you that's all. Please let me love you…" he pleaded
"So, it doesn't matter if I don't love you back?" I asked
"Don't worry about that, just let me love you…Please," he said whilst holding my hands
[silence
"I am on my knees," he continued as he knelt down
I was overwhelmed by what was happening at that moment. Never in my life had I imagined that my first day at varsity would turn out like this. Started on a bad note and ended in a confusing note with a rich white guy on my knees. The same guy who bought me schoolbooks and a freaking R15 000 laptop in one day! He claims it's out of love, I wanted to believe him…but my past didn't allow me to give him a chance. Now that he is on my knees, Sindi's words kept on repeating on my mind
"I guess it wouldn't hurt to give it a try," I said smiling
The second I said that he stood and picked me up and swung me around like a little baby. I thought that this only happens in movies, but here I am. When he put me down he hugged me so tight that I lost my breath and coughed
"Oh…I am so sorry Lebo, I am just happy. I promise you, you won't regret this," he said
His last words made me own this fear of the unknown, what if he doesn't fulfil that promise? I guess we are about to find out...