Lebo left me sitting in that bench and a part of me wanted to tell her. I needed to talk to someone, and she seemed like she was an understanding person. A person that I could trust. I was about to go to her but there were thoughts that blocked me from going to her:
What if she tells Sindi about everything? What makes her trustworthy? What is with this sudden concern of my life? You know what, I need this, I need to talk to her maybe talking could help since venting made a difference. Wait…what if she gets it all wrong, that I went to her because I want to date her? What if she catches feelings after this, just like Sindi? They are friends and the last thing I want to do is cause a rift between the two of them…That's it, I will go to Josh and talk to him instead. I will have to leave out the Sindi saga though.
I then stood from the bench and went inside my car and went to visit Josh.
"Hey man, you good?" said Josh as he opened the door.
[sigh]
"What's wrong?" he asked he could see that I wasn't okay.
"Pops is in hospital," I said.
"What happened?" asked as we sat.
"Heart attack and he's in hospital," I explained it was hard for me to say words in full.
"I am sorry to hear that; do you want us to go and have drinks at my favourite spot? Being at a place full of happy people could help you know," he asked.
"No not today, not in the mood," I said.
"Okay that's totally understandable, plus you don't like crowds. At least let me get you a drink from my father's study," he said, and he left.
Josh knew very well that I don't drink, but I guess he was doing his best to cheer me up. He then came back with a glass of whisky and he handed it over to me, I drank it on one go…
[silence]
"You can crash here if you want and I can add more glasses of this for you," he said and then I shook my head.
"I have to go," I said.
"Does Jen know about your father? She's called and asked earlier on if you are okay and you were not picking up your phone when she was calling," he asked as I stood up.
"Yes, I just called her few minutes ago," I said.
Josh had a soft spot for Jen, and had I told him that I didn't he would know that something was up. After all, we've been friends for many years now. No one knew me better than him. Hence the first question he asked when he saw me was to know if I was okay. The last thing I needed in all my dilemmas was Josh being a headache and racist on me. I had to lie, there was no other way other than this. At least he bought my story…Before he could see what was going on, I left him and went back to res.
After parking my car at the parking lot, I decided to take a long walk. My walk ended up with me knocking at Sindi's door. I don't know why I always find myself at her door whenever I was not okay. Even when I wasn't intending to go to her place I would end up in that door. She then opened and I never said a word to her but started kissing her so passionately. I needed her and she knew it…We had yet another passionate lovemaking session and she kept on saying that she loves me, but I kept quiet. When we were done I sat on top of her bed.
"You hungry?" she asked.
"I will never say no to your food," I said.
She went out to the kitchen to heat up the food and came back.
"I can smell the stew from the minute you opened the door," I said as I accepted the food that she gave me.
"It is not stew actually…it's pap and chicken feet," she said as she sat down next to me.
"My favourite meal, how did you know?" I asked I was probably smiling like a little boy.
"I never thought you ate such food because…" she said before I cut her off.
"…because I am white. That's what you wanted to say I know. One of our staff likes to eat these kinds of meals. She knows I always ask her to dish up for me. My mom is uncomfortable with me dining with one of the workers, but she will never tell me in person," I said.
"You know I like this; you are finally opening up to me and you are smiling. Earlier today, you seemed sad, like you were carrying the whole world up on your shoulders. I am glad I could make your day. By the way, the food wasn't cooked by me, I asked Lebo to leave some for me after the smell she left in the kitchen whilst she was cooking," she said as she was eating.
"Really? Wow, her cooking shows she would make a great wife…I can imagine how her food tastes like if she makes something this simple taste this good," I said.
"Yeah…" she said, and her tone was somehow disappointed by what I said.
After eating, I was about to go…
"Please don't leave now, can we cuddle my love?" she said.
Then I did as she requested…I must say, I was deeply annoyed by all this. However, I enjoyed Sindi's company…or maybe it was her body that I wanted at that moment. We went from cuddling to yet another lovemaking session. I was enjoying every second of it till she said:
"I love you Matthew,"
I then stopped everything and wore my clothes.
"I have to go," I said whilst wearing my shoes.
"Baby what's wrong?" she asked.
"Okay ease up with the name calling…Sindi we are still friends with benefits. If you want us to be more than we are done. Do you hear me?" I shouted at her.
"I am sorry Matt, I thought we were on the same page…what about the lovemaking moments we had today? What about this moment we just had? What do you make out of them? Do friends with benefits make love?" she asked.
"That wasn't lovemaking, just what I needed at that time, I couldn't get hold of my girlfriend at that time," I said.
"Okay…it is fine then, but can we at least cuddle some more?" she asked.
"No, I have to go," I said as I stood up and left her.
On my way out I decided to knock at Lebo's place…I tried talking to Josh about it, it didn't help. Involuntary I made love to Sindi yet again and it made everything more complex than before. Most definitely won't go to talk to Jen about this. Therefore, maybe talking to her would make a difference. After all, she's not that close to me therefore I doubt she would be biased about this. Lebo took time to open…maybe she wasn't expecting a visitor at this time.
"Matt? What are you doing here at this time?" she asked whilst opening the door.
"You said if I wanted to talk, I could come to you right?" I replied.
"Yes, I did say that…but now…" she said before being cut off by a male voice.
"Who's that?" he said.
"Just a friend honey (shouting)...We'll talk tomorrow, I have got company at the moment," she said.
"Okay, can we meet at the library then? Same time as today?" I asked.
"Yeah sure, I am sorry I can't help you at the moment…wish I could. Please do take care," she said.
"Goodnight then…" I said.
"Goodnight," she said and then closed the door on me.
[sigh]
At least there's one thing I can be sure of, now that I went to Lebo, she wasn't looking for ulterior motives she genuinely wanted to help. This is very rare to find a person who does something without expecting something in return. The fact that there was a guy in her room at 10 pm at night proved she had someone, so I think I could trust her. I then headed to my room, it was a long day and I needed rest. To my surprise, when I opened my door I found Jen relaxing on top of my bed…
[sigh]
"Jen, what are you doing here? How did you get here?" I asked.
"I guess it's the perks of my skin colour and money," she replied.
"Did you just say what I think you said?" I asked, I couldn't believe my ears.
"What's wrong with my statement? I mean everyone does it," she said.
"No nothing, I guess it's not a big deal," I said.
"Don't just stand right there, tiger I didn't wear all this for nothing," she said.
I haven't even noticed that she was wearing a lingerie and lying sexy.
"I got this from one of the labels that I model for, do you like it?" she asked.
"Yeah…I guess…" I said.
"You guess, this is one of the outfits that got men drooling over me. How come you just say so? Am I not sexy?" she asked.
"Look Jen I am not in the mood, are we going to have sex or not? If we are going to argue all night then you better leave…I have classes tomorrow, back to back," I said.
"I am sorry baby; you are just distant…I need you. Okay let's not talk…" she said, and I shut her mouth with a kiss.
"Did you like it?" she asked after another awful sex we had.
[silence]
"Matthew…Say something," she added.
"It's sex Jen what can I say…" I replied.
Well, what could I say we just had sex an awful one to add on that? She should be glad that I never mention that to her. Horrible is an understatement, there was no absolute connection with her. I think the more I have an encounter with her, the more I lose connection with her. Sometimes I try hard to be attracted by her beauty but there is nothing. At least with Sindi, her presence made me want her from day one and her presence made me feel better. She was my remedy, my literal go-to-girl at any time. It always came in naturally that I found her sexy, she didn't have to wear a lingerie for me to be turned on.
I tried cuddling her, but I felt like it was the more disconnected I was from her. Jen used to be attractive from afar…I guess I was drawn to the way she said things and I liked her mentality when it comes to humanity and helping needy people. Other than modelling she was active in those programmes that donated food and clothes in orphanage and old age homes. She was actually an ambassador of those things. This was the main topic of our unofficial first date in that coffee shop. My thoughts about her was that not only is she good-looking, but she also has a heart to give.
"So, what time are you leaving?" I asked, I know I am a horrible person…but I couldn't hide it anymore.
"Tomorrow morning babe, why should I rush, whilst your hands are this warm? This is the best place I can be, in your arms," she said.
To tell you the truth she is the one that annoys me the most, everything of hers is annoying, her voice, her persona even her beauty. She slept in that position and I tried to remove my hands, but she held them tighter. It took forever to be the following day and I didn't sleep at all because her perfume was strangling me. The problem was not the smell, but it was it being a constant reminder that she was in my room. I don't want to even mention the part of her hands being all over me the entire night. The minute the sun was shining I woke her up and told her that she had to go…As expected, she was reluctant, but she had no choice, so she left.
Luckily, I had no classes today, but I still had to go to the department we had a research to compile and the books that I needed were in the department library. As soon as I came back from accompanying her I threw myself on the pillow and I went in a deep sleep. During that moment, I had a horrible dream:
Sindi and Jen were both standing before me and they merged into one monster. It was scary and it was huge yet seductive. There way it was approaching me, though it was seductive I was scared, so I started running for my life. It also ran and it was too fast. I tripped and fell then that monster caught up with me. Then it climbed on top of me as I was lying on the floor and it began crying and screaming. It's tears changed and it was now fire and I started burning. Though it was a dream, I felt the pain from the fire. In fact, the dream felt so real that I woke up.
Have you ever been glad to wake up and find out that you were dreaming? Yep…that was me and I couldn't help but admit that the dream was somehow right. I was hurting both these ladies, but I needed them. Well, to be more specific, I needed Sindi without her I couldn't cope. As for Jen, the reason why we were still dating was not to hurt her. There were moments that I tried to break it off with her but she refused and worse she would cry and beg me not to end things, that's why.
I took a deep breath and then went back to sleep and at least this time I didn't dream at all. An alarm went off and I now had to wake up. Then I took a quick shower at least with us gents there's no such thing as long lines in our res. Guys don't waste time, but at Sindi's res there are always long lines in the morning. Yes, I know this, I have spent few nights at Sindi's room. When I finished, I went to our library and started working on my research which took me almost the whole day. I almost forgot that I told Lebo we'd meet and there was no time for me to grab something to eat.
I then went down to the main library and I found her sitting at the same bench we met the day before. She was eating and that just reminded me of how hungry I was.
"Hey Matt," she said whilst covering her mouth.
"Hi Lebo," I said as I was sitting down.
"Please don't just sit grab a bite, I am so hungry, plus I made extra. I guess I am now used to making food for 4 people," she said as she pushed her lunchbox towards my direction.
"No, I am cool," I said trying to act all calm, but deep down when I saw those scones I became even more hungrier.
"Nonsense, I insist," she said.
There was just something about her that reminded me of someone…but I couldn't put a finger on it. She insisted in such a way that she almost literally fed me as I refused to eat. The more I refused, was the hungrier I became. Plus, the smell of the scones was not helping my situation at all. I had to give in, and we ate silently.
"Mm, these scones are delicious, and I like that they don't need a drink as they are moist and fluffy. Where did you buy them?" I asked after swallowing the last scone.
She was still eating her last scone, so she raised her hand over my face to indicate she was still eating.
Man…I swear I have seen such a behaviour from someone, but I just can't remember who…