It's been a few days since Jonghyong managed to change his faculty. He was exhausted, barely slept, and if it wasn't for the fact, that Jungsuk reminded him to eat, junior would have starved to death long ago. After returning from the States, junior had to work hard, to convince the professors, that he really wanted to change the faculty. Although he didn't want to study medicine, Jonghyong's academic performance was good. Still, maknae managed to do, what he wanted to do from the very beginning – start painting seriously. The load was almost more than it was in the medical faculty. Jonghyong was already tired of, how long he had to deal with the transition to another direction. His current Professor was impressed with the skills and emerging talent of the young student, but even this did not save the junior from the responsibilities, that fell on him. He had to use all his strength, to deal with that flood of information and the number of tasks, assigned to him by the Professor. Also, the headache was added by the fact, that the junior still had to think about, that finding at least some part-time student work. Even though the mother didn't seem to be as negative about her son, as the father, and had topped up Jonghyong's account immediately after he returned from the States, junior needed the money anyway. He couldn't rely on his boyfriend's generosity forever. It was enough, that maknae had moved into the senior's apartment, and no matter how much he tried to persuade Park, he wouldn't agree to split the payment equally. Problems piled up one after another, but still, Jonghyong couldn't say, that he was disappointed or sorry for any of the decisions, that he'd made recently. Finally, he felt free after a long time. He doing what really wanted to do. He was standing next to a man, who was ready to support him and give him a helping hand, even if Jonghyong fell for the hundredth, thousandth time. Jungsuk was always there, to watch his back. Literally. Jonghyong liked the way, how his boyfriend often came up behind him and hugged him, resting his chin on his shoulder. It would seem, that this gesture did not carry anything special. It seemed like it might look like an attempt at sentimentality or weakness on the part of Hyong. In fact, the opposite was true. Jonghyong could literally feel the power, that enveloped him every time, when Park came up behind him, even though he was physically bigger than his Hyong. Maknae felt the senior's support and patronage. Felt everything, that Park feels. Jungsuk was always there, to watch his back. Literally. It has long been considered the worst mistake in close combat – open your back to your opponent. And Jonghyong considered himself entitled to trust Hyong so much, that he completely opened up to him from this part of his body, without even having the thought of Hyong "stabbing" him in the back.
At the moment, Jonghyong was standing in the room across from his easel, finishing a painting with enthusiasm, that he had started, when he arrived from the United States. Despite his fatigue and lack of sleep, he couldn't seem to get enough of painting now, that no one was keeping this area off-limits for him. Therefore, he took up a brush or pencil every time, when it was possible.
"What is it?" Jungsuk stood behind his boyfriend and gave him a little hug, while Jonghyong considered the finished composition. On the canvas, he depicted an intense blue river, that took its origin somewhere far away in the mountains, whose peaks almost touched the clouds. The blue sky with a slight tint of sunset was pleasant to look at. A beautiful bright landscape made consider every detail, as a whole and separately, marveling at the variety of colors. But most of all, Jungsuk was attracted by a small house, a little away from the river, on the bank. As a rule, Jonghyong painted only landscapes. Park's portrait was the only exception to the rule, not counting the small sketches, that maknae made abroad just under the impression of what he saw. Junior had never been interested in people, much less inanimate objects, which also included buildings of various types. Therefore, Park was very surprised to see a small, but at first glance cozy house on the coast, in beautiful nature, spread out in all its splendor.
"You know, what I want more than anything?" Jonghyong ignored senior's question, leaning back against his chest and leaning head back on Hyong's shoulder. His hands, some of his clothes, even the tip of his nose was smeared with paint, and Jungsuk found it insanely sweet and appealing. He was terribly fond of such Jonghyong. The guy was so natural and relaxed, was in the familiar atmosphere, forgot about all his worries and fears, which still periodically covered him.
"Mm?" Jungsuk burrowed into the younger guy's hair, inhaling such a pleasant and familiar scent. It seemed that he had a special fetish for the smell of his boyfriend, although Jungsuk had not noticed this habit before. Of the two, the junior was the most sensitive to odors. But Jungsuk just couldn't control himself, when Jonghyong just stood next to him and smelled so delicious, that Park just didn't know, what to do: whether to lick his entire body, collecting the smell of junior from his tender skin with tongue, or just continue to stand next to him and inhale this insanely attractive aroma through his nose, trying to absorb completely into himself without a trace. No matter, what he did, no matter, how tired he was, even after a few hours of hard work or the most grueling hot and wild sex, he always smelled so good, that insides were cramped.
"Runaway with you somewhere. Just the two of us – you and me. And no rules, no bans or convictions. So that no one can dictate to us, how to live and what to do. So that no one looks at us with disapproving eyes, asks provocative questions, condemns, or hinders us. Just you and me. We don't need anyone else, hah?" Jonghyong whirled to face him and looked into senior's eyes with a kind of apprehension. The recent quarrel with his parents over his established relationship with Jungsuk, the tear-stained face of his younger brother, and his own furious screams and protests – all this still hurt and offensively Jonghyong's heart. Yes, he had made up his mind. Yes, he wasn't going to give up on Jungsuk. Yes, he broke off relations with his family for the sake of his loved one. He was sure of his choice, like never before. Still, a slight sense of dread lingered somewhere in the brain and slowly, meticulously drilled into the walls, as if trying to break out and manifest itself. Make him give up the decision. Make him give in to common stereotypes.
Jungsuk gently took his boyfriend's hand and approached so, that the tip of his nose rested right in the nose junior, smeared with paint, from which a small portion of it gets on the skin senior.
"We don't have to run away to be together, Jonghyong. I will always be there for you, no matter, what happens. You are my destiny, my choice, my curse," junior just snorted in the face of his boyfriend, shyly averting his eyes. Who else whose curse…
"I love you more, than anything in the world. And nothing in the world will change that. You were made for me. You are meant for me. I literally live by you. Always remember that. Do you hear?" Jungsuk touched junior's lips with his own, which caused a slight sigh from the guy. Senior moved away from Jonghyong's face so suddenly, that maknae didn't even have time to react, almost losing his balance, and grabbed Park's hands.
"I really like your idea, though. I would like to have a place, where I could go with you just the two of us, away from all this fuss. Special place. Our place! And this," Jungsuk pointed to the painting, "is very appropriate."
Jonghyong madly nodded, still holding the small hands of his boyfriend in his. One day they will be able to do it. Go away together, where no one will interfere with them. Where they can be free. Where they will be happy and will not hide and be ashamed of their happiness. In the meantime, it's enough, that a loved one is just around. Don't need more than that, right?
Jungsuk's words still gave off a strange, but pleasant flutter somewhere inside. Jonghyong heard them for the first time in the house of his boyfriend's parents when he blurted them out loud in sensuality. Jonghyong couldn't say a word in response. Fear, mixed with admiration, hit him like an avalanche, sweeping away everything in its path, leaving only a pounding heart, a mad look, shaking limbs, and slurred speech. Jonghyong felt the deep affection and attention of Jungsuk, felt, that senior was ready to move mountains for him with his bare hands, felt every cell of his body the connection, that seemed to connect them from the very first meeting. It could not be cut, broken, or destroyed. As stupid as it sounds, Jonghyong felt, that he was really meant for Jungsuk, just as the senior was meant for him. But words of love the alarm bell struck on the ears, leaving no time for reflection. Jonghyong couldn't reciprocate the senior right now, after amazing sex, in the house of other's relatives, under the pressure of problems, that were ready to fall on him. Jonghyong felt, sense, that "love" was a completely inappropriate word to describe, what he felt for Jungsuk. So many emotions and thoughts rolled at once, that the junior did not know, what to do. Nobody had never told him, that loved him, never cared for him, never offered him, what were offering now. And maknae was just confused. He was confused by the range of sensations, that exploded like a wild firework in his head. But Jungsuk didn't demand a response. He understood everything without words. And his smile was the best reward for Jonghyong. He didn't have to say or do anything. Jungsuk always "felt" him.
Jonghyong didn't regret any of the decisions, that he'd made recently. He turned his back on Jungsuk again, drowning in the tenderness, care, and… love, that Park was willing to give him. Jonghyong stared at the painting with a smile on his face. The warmth, that spread all over his body from the body of Jungsuk, pleasantly warmed from the inside, bringing peace and serenity. Jonghyong felt in his place. Feel at home. Felt, that he was needed and important to someone. If his own family isn't ready to accept him completely with all the flaws and errors, well, maknae is sure, that he has someone, who will stand hand in hand with him even in the middle of a fucking Hell, and the junior can count on Jungsuk even, if the damn Apocalypse starts, lava flows from the sky, the ground opens up under their feet, and people go crazy, exposing their dirty guts, which until recently were hidden. Jonghyong has a man, who will walk proudly by his side in all this shit, just to stay together.
South Korea 2022
I was drinking… But that's the kind of person I am: if you have a little drink, and someone offers you cocaine, it will immediately seem like a great idea… And a day later, the idea still seems cool: then I crawl on the carpet in search of lying around granule… After a while, I began to realize, that I had lost control. I began to hate myself
(Trent Reznor)
Jungsuk bit his elbows in frustration. He was ready to smash his head against the nearest wall. He was ready to scream in desperation until vocal cords collapsed. He could have choked on his tears and nausea of the view, that sprawled across from him.
Jonghyong was lying on the concrete dirt floor of regular hangout, where Park found him a few days after the younger guy left home after a loud row, in which Jungsuk broke down and hit him so hard, that he seemed to be scared for a second. But Hyong's nerves had been failing lately. After the death of Jonghyong's parents in a car accident about six months ago, the junior still couldn't recover. He felt guilty about everything, that had happened to his family: the breakup of their relationship, the abandonment of his younger brother, the fact that he never thanked his mother for the financial help, that she regularly provided, the fact that he did not even try to talk to his father again, after a while, after both men had cooled down enough. Death overtakes a person suddenly. She doesn't give you any advance notice of Her arrival. She spares no one. The old hag didn't spare Jonghyong's parents either. Jonghyong couldn't bear the thought, that he not seeing his parents for a year after the fight, and now he couldn't even apologize, tell them, how much he really loved them, despite all the fights and misunderstandings, tell them, how happy he was, tell them, how much someone, like Jungsuk, had given him. Jonghyong couldn't get over the guilt of his inaction, no matter how hard Park tried.
The first problem was the academic performance at the University. Jonghyong did not attend lectures regularly, was rude to professors, got into violent conflicts with classmates about anything, did not comply with the standards. The last straw for the Professor, who oversees the main subject of Jonghyong, was a big fight right at the lecture. Jonghyong was suspended for several weeks, softening the sentence given the recent tragedy in the family. But the junior didn't seem to care. Painting, which was previously an outlet, became indifferent to him. Jonghyong stopped drawing. And dropping out of the University only untied maknae's hands. And Jungsuk found his boyfriend dead drunk in the kitchen of their apartment on the first day after the junior stopped attending the University. As far as Jungsuk could remember, Jonghyong had never been a fan of alcohol, so when he saw several completely empty bottles of soju and a sleeping, disheveled maknae, he realized, that he would have to work hard, to bring him to his senses. Jonghyong woke up almost at midnight, still subject to alcohol intoxication, literally dying from bouts of nausea, headache, and stomach pain. Jungsuk sat with the junior all night, nursing him like a child, and in the morning went to lectures, making the junior promise to eat and rest until his arrival, no longer touching alcohol. Jonghyong was crying, completely unashamed of his position and weakness. His body was depleted and almost completely exhausted, by what had happened. He didn't even have the strength to apologize and thank the senior, even though he could see the deep bruises under Park's eyelids when he left in the morning. Jungsuk could not have imagined, that everything would develop in this way. Alcoholic breakdowns began to happen more often each time, Jonghyong began to leave the house, could disappear for the whole day, falling into the apartment in a deranged state, completely not listening to the oohs and sighs from the senior. Every day, Jungsuk's instructions irritated Jonghyong more and more, which led to quarrels and omissions, that the young people didn't have one before. Jungsuk knew, that Jonghyong was trying to escape from what, that he was experiencing at the moment. The death of his parents had hit his sensitive gut hard, and the decision to leave his younger brother with his next of kin had finished him off. He wanted to take his brother, he really wanted to, he wanted to support and comfort him, but he didn't know how. He didn't know, because he needed to himself. Jungsuk remembered very well, how the broken teenager's eyes filled with burning tears, when Jonghyong and Park told him, that junior would have to live with relatives. Junghyun was crying, begging his Hyongs to take him away, not to leave him, ready to do anything. But with a scratching heart, Jonghyong abruptly turned around and got into Jungsuk's car, no longer wanting to watch, how his younger brother was being tormented.
"Junghyun," Jungsuk then walked over to the teen and put his hand on his head. "I promise you, that we will be able to pick you up. But a little later, okay?" Jungsuk was ready to take his boyfriend's younger brother right now, but he was well aware, that two broken young men just couldn't pull it off. Jonghyong looked really bad. And Park had to focus all of his energy, on helping him get out of the state of depression, that maknae had fallen into.
"When, Hyong? When?!" Junghyun gripped the senior's free hand and shook it so, that just a little more and the limb would fall off. He didn't want to leave. He hadn't seen his brother and his friend for a long time, almost a year, and he couldn't imagine, that not seeing them for as long again, but at the moment, there was no other way out. The Hyongs didn't want to take him with them. And the boy could not understand the reason.
"Soon, soon, Junghyun-e," Jungsuk blatantly lied to his junior. He didn't know, how long it would take for Jonghyong, that to recover, how long it would take for Park, that to deal with other bouts of the maknae, that had recently begun to visit him again.
The junior never stopped crying, and Jonghyong never got out of the car. That same evening, Jonghyong had a violent tantrum, accompanied by violent behavior, that previously had not been noticed by Jungsuk for a long time. Park had to use all the strength of his rangy body, that to calm the raging, off of the chain maknae. After that, wash him thoroughly in the bathroom, and even later fuck him in bed, after first using the knut on the skin of the junior's back, while he took blow after blow, dropping bitter tears on the pillow. This was what Jonghyong needed at the moment. Physical pain, which he was used to, to drown out the pain of the soul, which did not want to let go of its tenacious claws, cutting the soul, turning it inside out.
It's been almost six months since that fateful day, and Jungsuk could not have imagined, that he would have to deal with not only the alcohol problem, which has become a frequent companion of his junior, but also… more difficult things. The first time Jungsuk picked up Jonghyong from some cheap bar after the junior called him. This was a strange phenomenon. Jonghyong generally shunned such places, making exceptions only on special occasions and certainly not for establishments of this type. Park immediately noticed a change in maknae's behavior, when he arrived at the address. Jonghyong was sitting at the bar, and a painted damsel was literally hanging on to him, looking completely untrustworthy and not pleasant. However, Jonghyong was laughing merrily next to her, constantly pinching her ass, which caused the girl to burst into a nasty high-pitched laugh. Park winced at the sight before him. At the girl's suggestion to arrange a threesome, Jungsuk grimaced even more, no longer hiding his disgust, forcefully pushing the persistent girl away, taking Jonghyong, who continued to laugh loudly, to the street.
"What the fuck is going on with you?!" once in the air, Jungsuk pushed Jonghyong, and he almost fell to the ground, but this did not dampen his cheerful mood at all. In the lamplight, Park could see, how maknae's brown eyes shone unnaturally bright, his mouth twisting in a nasty grin, his limbs literally not obeying the owner, constantly twitching and twisting. Jonghyong's body seemed to be beyond his control. He shifted from one foot to the other, literally bouncing on the spot, unable to stand still even for a few seconds. There was an overly red flush on junior's cheeks, and his speech was slurred and unintelligible, which made Jungsuk have to ask about Jonghyong's whereabouts several times before he really could make out the words on the other end of the line. The look on the younger guy's face said something that Jungsuk didn't want to admit.
"What are you on?" Park said it out loud, because he knew, that there was no other explanation for maknae's behavior. Alcohol affects the body differently than drugs. If Jonghyong was drunk, he would have thrown his fists at Jungsuk long ago or would have been lying on a bed or any other horizontal surface at home in a deep sleep. But right now, Jonghyong looked too… happy. Unnaturally happy.
"Jungsuk-e," Jonghyong drawled his boyfriend's name uncomfortably, ignoring the proprieties, and jumped up to the senior, "don't be like that. Isn't that what you wanted? To make me happy. Look, I'm happy," Jonghyong smiled stupidly, throwing a heavy hand on the senior's shoulder, and the other unceremoniously dropped on Hyong's fly, fiddling with the button with his fingers. "And I'll be even more pleased when you fuck me. You're so beautiful, all shimmering. And everything around is also so beautiful… Come on, make me even happier, Jungsuk-e."
"Shut your mouth," Jungsuk immediately shook the junior's hand off his groin, looking around. "What the hell you are doing, hah? Do you want, that someone to see us? Can you imagine, what would happen, if the University found out about this? You'll be expelled for good. Do you understand that?" Jungsuk hissed, knowing full well, that Jonghyong didn't understand a damn thing right now. He continued to giggle stupidly, but Hyong's serious demeanor and tirade didn't bother him at all. The junior tried to approach the other's cock again, literally intending to take it right there in front of the bar. But Jungsuk was faster, grabbing both of maknae's hands and twisting them behind his back. Jonghyong didn't even seem to resist, so it was easy for Jungsuk to hold on to maknae with one hand, as he pulled out his car keys.
"I like it, when you hurt me, Jungsuk-e," Jonghyong cooed languidly, as Park tried to summon all his willpower, to unlock the fucking car door. As much as he was disgusted with himself right now, Jungsuk couldn't help but admit, that such a Jonghyong… made him feel desire. For the first time in recent time, the junior didn't burst into tears, didn't fight in an angry tantrum, demolished everything in his path, didn't torment himself with constant accusations of his own inaction. He was really happy. And he wanted Jungsuk right now. Park could feel, how the tension building in maknae, as he rubbed against him before Jungsuk put him in the car and strapped him in. Jungsuk was aware, that this was all an illusion. Not real. Not really. Jonghyong doesn't want him. He just wants sex. The ephemeral state, fueled by the drug, inflamed Jonghyong. Jungsuk knew better than to do that. He should take junior home and take care of him, instead of thinking about sex with him. But it had been so long since they'd been intimate, given maknae's condition, and his own, that Jungsuk couldn't resist his body and the sweet words of his own devil, perched on his shoulder and whispering insistently in his ear, "Give In", "Give In", "Give In".
Jungsuk tasted his own blood in his mouth, as he bit down hard on his lip. And he cursed himself a thousand times. The scarlet liquid only further stimulated the animal instinct, which made the inner Dominant open one eye, stretch sweetly, stand up to his full height and prepare for action with a grin. Jungsuk turned to face Jonghyong. He was still sitting there with that stupid smile on his lips, a blinding glint in his eyes, and a furious blush.
"I see, you want to. Come on, Jungsuk-e, fuck me right here," Jonghyong arched his back on the leather seat, exposing the bulge in his pants, burying his fingers in his hair, shamelessly fidgeting and moaning, as if he couldn't wait for someone else's cock to ram him all the way to the throat.
"Stop calling me that! I'm still your Hyong!" Jungsuk barked so suddenly, that he was afraid of himself. But Jonghyong's condition didn't allow him to take the situation seriously. He giggled again and returned to his original position, still fidgeting in place, his eyes fixed on the senior.
"Please, Hyong, fuck me so, that I can't walk for the rest of the week."
Jungsuk growled under accompaniment the roar of his car's engine and took off with the whizzing hum of tires, leaving treadmills on the asphalt, each of which clearly showed the design of the projector.
After arriving home, Jungsuk literally shoved Jonghyong into the bathroom, and the younger guy continued to laugh and paw Park wherever, where he could reach with his fingers trembling from overexcitation because Jungsuk himself remained in clothes beyond Jonghyong's reach. Neither cold water, nor a contrast shower, nor even a couple of slaps in the face could bring maknae to his senses. His eyes remained clouded with a narcotic haze, mixed with artificial desire, and Park's nerves were breaking from anger at himself and the constant contact with the junior's naked, wet skin.
"Take me, Hyong. Come on. I see you want it too," Jonghyong whispered hotly against his Hyong's lips, as he led him into the room, wrapped in a towel like a small child.
Jungsuk struggled with the last of his strength, but Jonghyong pushed him onto the bed and straddled him in seconds. The adrenaline and the raging euphoria of the hallucinogen made maknae stronger and more persistent, despite his scattered and slightly clumsy movements. Maknae groaned so obscenely loudly, when he felt the bulge on the senior's pants with his ass, that Jungsuk bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut, cursing himself again. The younger guy took off his towel and rubbed his bare buttocks against the rough fabric of someone else's jeans, feeling the pain on his soft skin, and smiled like a madman. Leaning down to his Hyong's face, Jonghyong pulled him into a cheeky, wet, slurping kiss, trying to wet his dry lips with Jungsuk's saliva. Park unconsciously, more out of habit, wrapped his fingers around the junior's buttocks, which were completely exposed after Jonghyong had thrown off the towel, and squeezed so hard, that Jonghyong sank his teeth into his lower lip, biting and pulling. The junior reached for Hyong's trousers, undoing first the button and then the zipper with trembling fingers.
"Take them off, Hyong. Come on," his breath seared his lips, and his body was covered in a sticky, nasty sweat despite the bath, which he'd just taken, but for the moment, he didn't care. It was the first time, when he felt his power over Jungsuk, the first time, when he felt such a rush of adrenaline and courage, that he couldn't even breathe. The whole room whirled and turned, twisting with bright flashes and colors of various colors, various ornate zigzags, and shapes, like in fucking Disney Land. Jonghyong might have thought, that he was in one of his paintings, so beautifully and powerfully did the contrasting colors blur before his eyes. Hyong looked great against this background. His rich malachite eyes glowed brighter than usual, literally burning a hole in the brown opposite. Jonghyong could have sworn, that he had only seen such a look in robots in their own computer toys, which destroyed their enemy with laser beams raining, down from fake eyes.
"Jonghyong, no… We can't…" Jungsuk's protest was lost in another smudged kiss, that smelled of nicotine and some other rubbish, probably cheap alcohol in сube with drugs.
Hyong's pants flew out of the way, as did his boxers, and Jonghyong immediately wrapped his palm around the standing like a stake member, smiling madly, his eyes glittering with dazed.
"Wait, stop!" Jungsuk tried to pull away from the other's grip, when he realized, that Jonghyong wasn't even going to use lube, that to stretch himself. Water treatments were clearly not enough, given the long absence of intimacy recently.
"I want… like this… Hyong, please."
"Jonghyong, come to your senses, you'll just tear yourself up. I… fuck!" Jungsuk cursed, throwing his head back, as he felt, how the raw, tight passage trying to take his cock in. Jonghyong was panting and fidgeting, trying skewered on other's organ, cursing and hissing, either from the pain or from the failure of his idea. To sit on a member without lubrication, with an unprepared anus was so difficult. In the end, Jonghyong still agreed to use the lube, that Jungsuk handed him, hastily smeared Hyong's cock, and tried again. The pain was terrible, almost tearing, but Jonghyong hissed and cursed incoherently, more from the slowness of the whole process, than from the pain itself. The junior was sweating, biting his lips, and squinting, but he kept pushing the other's cock up his ass until it was still deep, that enough to move.
Jungsuk watched Jonghyong and felt the pain a hundred times stronger. The tight walls squeezed him tightly from the inside, preventing him from relaxing and doing anything on his own. His fingers were literally stuck to the skin of others' buttocks, digging in with his nails, and his chest was heaving with heavy and impetuous breathing. Despite all the painful and unpleasant sensations, Jonghyong's cock was standing in a way, that was hard to imagine. The purple head was ready to turn blue, every vein in the trunk was clearly visible, and the muscles of the abdomen were quivering with tension.
No matter how hard Jungsuk tried, no matter how much he twisted and turned Jonghyong, who was already pliable and accepting him well after a few passes, the junior couldn't cum. He was jerking off his own cock in a frenzied rhythm, ready to grind the skin to powder, but the ejaculation bypassed Jonghyong. The maknae asked for more and more, even though his anal opening was already red and swollen so much, that it was scary to watch. His entire body was covered in scratches, hickeys, and bites from Jungsuk, the skin of his thighs and buttocks bore the distinct marks of his hands. Park fucked Jonghyong with his fingers, toys, even his tongue, when his cock was exhausted after a few grueling times, but nothing could help the junior come to the end. Jungsuk never thought that he would get tired of sex. Especially from having sex with his boyfriend. And to be honest, he was relieved, when he realized, that maknae had just passed out during another anal stretch, sweaty, panting, still shaking, still with a pronounced erection.
Jungsuk took a quick shower and cleaned up Jonghyong's body, treating his anus with an analgesic, anti-inflammatory ointment, and then collapsed on the bed next to him. It won't get any easier in the morning.
The next morning, or rather in the afternoon, Jungsuk was ready to launch into an angry tirade against maknae, lecturing and scolding him about his behavior. But as soon as he saw the halfway-dead Jonghyong, which literally crawled into the kitchen and sucking on the kettle of water, such a thought disappeared. The younger guy's appearance left much to be desired: disheveled, sweaty hair, a gray face, black circles under his eyes, pale, dry lips, a bleary, guilty look, a painful gait, and yet another sickening urge. Again, Jungsuk didn't hear anything from Jonghyong. The latter only pressed his trembling, exhausted body against senior's side, lying on the bed after the attacks had stopped, and sniffed frequently, wetting the palm of Hyong's hand, that was stroking his cheek, with drops of salt. Jungsuk held him tighter, unable to control his own emotions. He wanted so much to help junior, but he didn't know, what he needed to do. How to make it clear, that Jonghyong is killing himself morally and physically undeservedly, that he is not to blame for anything, that the death of his parents and everything, that happened before, is not his fault. Jungsuk tried to give all his warmth, affection, tenderness, and care to senior so, that Jonghyong would understand, that he was not alone. That he wouldn't have to go through this alone. That no matter, how difficult it was, Jungsuk wouldn't leave him.
Even now, Jungsuk could have said the same thing, although nausea and the desire to leave the place as soon, as possible, seemed to suggest otherwise. When Jungsuk picked up Jonghyong in his arms, not even thinking about the fact, that he could get his clothes dirty in the urine, dirt, vomit, and blood, that surrounded not only this place but also Jonghyong himself, he was horrified, that he could easily do it. Although Jungsuk had a dominant role in the relationship with his junior, he was always inferior to Jonghyong in terms of physique. Right now, maknae's body doesn't weigh much. Jonghyong hadn't eaten at all lately, because he didn't have an appetite from the word "completely", no matter how much Park tried to stuff something into the younger guy, to avoid basic dehydration. The junior's skin turned unnaturally pale, like a ghost's, and if touched, the hand will pass through. The circles under his eyes are blacker than the rainiest clouds, his lips are pale and cracked in some places, dirt has gathered under his nails, and his clothes are in disrepair. Only the familiar facial features allowed Jungsuk to recognize the limp body of his boyfriend.
Park didn't know, what to do when he brought Jonghyong home. He didn't react or wake up, even after Hyong repeatedly tried to shake him and slap him on the cheek. Jungsuk knew, that Jonghyong had not stopped taking the pills, even though he had blatantly lied to Hyong about it, swearing and making promises, that it wouldn't happen again. He managed to pass the exams after the second year by a miracle, citing poor health due to his state of mind. Jonghyong took a sabbatical on the advice of a professor to recover and put his thoughts in order, after which he returned to his studies with renewed vigor. But now, Jungsuk just couldn't stand it, covering his mouth with his hand, as he struggled to undress Jonghyong and noticed several puncture marks on the inner crook of the elbow on both hands. Jonghyong was gone for a few days until Park was able to find him, and it seems, that during that time junior managed to try something an impressive, than ordinary laughing pills. Jungsuk swallowed the lump in his throat, forcing back the tears, that were about to spill out of his eyes, as he carefully moved Jonghyong to the bathroom, filled with warm water. After a while, Jungsuk felt the muscle tension in Jonghyong's body subside, and pulled him out of the bathroom, completely clean and scrubbed, still without consciousness and still deathly pale and thin. The scars on maknae's skin were even more clearly visible, than before, and Jungsuk resisted the urge to run a finger over them. He carefully lowered Jonghyong to the soft bed, sitting down next to him in a large chair, to give the younger guy enough place and space. It is not known, what the reaction of an unprepared broken body will be the next morning. And most importantly, how will Jonghyong function regarding the reasonableness of decision-making, when he wakes up and realizes, that the senior is there. Jungsuk didn't take any chances, so he settled down a little further away. He stared at the sleeping Jonghyong and couldn't believe, that they'd come to this. That Park had come to this. It always seemed to Jungsuk, that he understood Jonghyong, felt him, read him like an open book, and was always able to help and support him. But he was wrong. He lost sight of the junior. He couldn't prevent, what he's seeing right now. Jungsuk couldn't blame Jonghyong, for what he did. Although, perhaps, many would have done so in his place. They'd just leave everything to the devil and pursue their own prosperity rather, than waste their time on a lost drug addict. But Park couldn't say, that the blame, for what junior had done, lay solely with Jonghyong. Yes, he was mentally weak, to cope with the grief of loss in another way, yes, no one forced him to consume, yes, he went to it consciously. But Jonghyong is not a rich, too spoiled mama's boy from a family of powerful parents, who gets drunk and takes drugs, just because he has nothing to do. Jonghyong is not a prostitute, who swallows pills, to smear the faces of her clients into one and not feel all the shit, that is being done to her, Jonghyong is not a stupid teenager, who decided to try something new, just because he wanted to look cool in front of idiot-friends. By his current age, Jonghyong had been through too much mud, had been through too many trials, had fought with himself every day, without giving a chance to relax, and in the end, he just couldn't stand it. He snapped. Tangled. Stepped on the wrong path. But this does not mean, that he does not deserve a second chance, the slightest help or support. Not in this case. The darkness enveloped Jonghyong at the moment, the darkness, that he had been running from for so long and so hard all his life, that he had managed and fought, as best he could, and until recently, he had been quite good at it. Right now, Jungsuk wanted to be the light in the pitch black, that would at least try to bring out Jonghyong. Try to give him, what Jonghyong was so afraid to allow himself in everyday life – a chance to be weak.