Jonghyong felt, like he was, at least, dead and reborn again, so shitty he felt right now. His body felt heavy, arms and legs refused to move, and all the muscles inside were so tense, that it seemed, that if he put in a little effort, the ligaments would break from the tension. His head was buzzing, and his eyes were filled with bright flashes of light, although the room, where he was, was quite dark. His lashes were stuck to his lower eyelid, so it took a huge effort, to open his eyes completely. His nose was stuffy, his lips were dry, and something was going on in his mouth, that junior didn't have the right epithets to describe. With an effort, he turned his head to see Jungsuk, sitting on a chair next to him. The disparate brain could not process the information. Where is he, what happened, how did Jungsuk get there, what did Jonghyong do in the last few days? And suddenly, on the periphery of his mind, he sees blurry images, of what happened: the shabby gray walls of a dirty joint, the vomited floor, the cold concrete, a syringe in his own hand and a hysterical laugh, after which there was no external world, no surrounding people, no environment, no fear, that initially pierced the even fogged brain of maknae. There was only silence and peace, finally, enveloping from head to toe, bringing a sense of oblivion. Jonghyong never thought that this would concern him. He'd heard about the use of various types of drugs more than once or twice, had even seen small-time dealers pushing all sorts of the colorful, fun-filled little circle in clubs and bars, and always shook his head at the assholes, who took them. Never would the guy have thought, that he would be able to descend to this on his own. Pills alone were already causing great harm to the body and the entire nervous system as a whole, there was no point in flattering yourself with false hopes, that even this kind of "light" drugs does not cause addiction. Which led to the desire to get something more. Something, that could have had a longer and more severe effect. The "stress response" in the body worked as a catalyst, and the mind was affected, as if under hypnosis. He didn't remember, what he'd stabbed, how, when, or where, just the feel of the needle in his hand, the warmth, coursing through his veins, and then… nothing. In his right mind, it wouldn't have occurred to him to do such a thing. The very thought of such a thing would have terrified him. But not this time. The brain had long since refused to cooperate with its master, throwing up more and more crazy ideas each time, when it did not get the desired satisfaction. Jonghyong remembered the euphoria of feeling angry and having others' blood on his knuckles when he beat up a student at the University. He remembered, how the adrenaline was literally boiling in his veins, spreading like a fiery iron in his blood, urging him to do something more meaningful, than he had already done. Prove, that he's not a helpless boy, prove, that he can do something. Remind yourself, that he is the one who can control his life the way he wants, and not someone else. Jonghyong remembered the first time, when he tasted the stuff, offered to him by a prostitute, who brazenly sat down with him in a cheap bar, where, as Jonghyong himself did not understand how, he wandered. He remembered, how all his worries and fears disappeared in an instant as soon, as he put a small round on his tongue and washed it down with the first alcohol, that came along. He remembered, how long an ephemeral sense of happiness had held him captive. He remembered, how much he didn't want to go back. He was so tired. Tired of everything, around him. Tired of being in control. Tired of giving up his principles. Tired of endless rules and stereotypes. He just wanted it to stop. Wanted to get at least a piece of the proverbial happiness, that was now deprived of. Hyong's support and overprotective attitude had only irritated Jonghyong lately. He could see the pity in others' eyes, and he could see, how Hyong was holding back with the last of his strength, not to send the annoying maknae away and get on with his life, as he deserved. He could see, how everyone staring at him, offering their fucking condolences, only adding to the terrible wound in his heart. Another wound, that will never heal. Jonghyong wanted, that them all to just shut up. Disappeared. Evaporated. After all, he understood that, by and large, no one cares, what happens to him. No one knows even a part, of what was going on inside him. And the only person, who knew and seemed to want to help, was lost among the mad faces, and no matter how hard he tried, Jonghyong couldn't find him. Jungsuk did, what they all did – he pitied him. He would have been better off shaking the junior by the scruff of the neck, kicking him, slashing him like a pig, but not looking at him like that. With pity and regret, that made Jonghyong want to puke. All this rolled around inside like a huge snowball, provoking and inflaming anger. And Jonghyong just couldn't stand it.
Now he looked at the sleeping Jungsuk and didn't know, what he wanted more: to tell him to go to hell with his fucking care and pity, thus not letting him see, what he was turning himself into, or to cuddle up to his warm side and cry, while the senior's hand stroked his head, bringing a caress and warmth, that Jonghyong hadn't felt for so long, despite his Hyong's best efforts.
Jonghyong's shaking hand grazed the glass on the nightstand, and it shattered with a clang, spilling water on the floor. Jungsuk immediately opened his eyes, as if he hadn't slept at all, shook his head, and blinked.
"Jonghyong?" his voice was a little hoarse from sleep, but it was still the same, as he remembered It. So far.
"How are you?"
"Just perfectly," the hand fell heavily on the bed, unable to move anymore. Jonghyong clenched his teeth, even though it was difficult to do so. He didn't even have the strength to walk to the bathroom.
"Wait, I'll get you some water," said Jungsuk, and in a flash he was back with another glass, skirting the shards of the first one. "I'll help you," Jungsuk tried to raise the glass to other's lips, but the junior suddenly turned away, piercing his Hyong with a mad look.
"I'm not dying, at least, not yet. There's no point in messing around with me. This is annoying, Jungsuk," his throat was hoarse, his head rang with the sound of his own voice, and every muscle in his body ached, but he made an effort, to lean against the headboard and put his trembling hands on his hips.
Jungsuk hesitated for a moment, then sighed and put the glass down, where the first one had been until recently.
"As you wish," he ignored Jonghyong's lack of decorum and began to pick up the broken glass, while maknae grunted and tried to reach for the life-giving moisture.
"You need to eat," Jungsuk said in as flat a tone as possible, although everything inside him was literally rushing to the junior, as he got out of bed with a huge effort, to go to the bathroom. Jonghyong made it clear, that he didn't need Jungsuk's help at this point in time.
"Not want."
"It's not a whim. You have to eat. I doubt, there's been anything in your system in the last three days, you haven't been home. In the refrigerator, you can find everything, that your body needs at this stage. I do not recommend eating heavy and coarse food. And don't look for coffee, there isn't any," Jungsuk purposely hid everything, that could even remotely trigger a spike in blood pressure, including pills and even the coffee, that maknae liked to drink in the morning.
Jonghyong was a little taken aback. He had no idea, that he had been away so long. He felt a twinge of guilt. Jungsuk must didn't feel right. Looked for Jonghyong everywhere. And found him. Brought him back home, didn't leave him in that awful place, that was blurry in Jonghyong's head. He washed him, put him in their shared bed, and probably didn't sleep until almost morning, even though he was supposed to be back in lections the next day. But the feeling of annoyance overcame his sanity again, and Jonghyong whirled around, from what almost dropped to one side, and the dull, echoing pain in his head began again.
"Stop bugging me, Jungsuk! You're getting on my nerves. Get out, do your studies, or whatever good boys usually do. I'll decide for myself, what to do."
Jungsuk folded his arms and grinned. But Jonghyong's eyes widened in surprise when for a moment he saw anger and… contempt in Hyong's blue gaze. This was something, that he had never noticed before. And if the pressure and support of others were so annoying, the senior's disdain scared him, and Jonghyong flapped his eyes and mouth, like a stranded fish.
"Look at you, Jonghyong. Do you think, that you can deal with anything around you now? You don't own your body. So shut your mouth and do, as seniors tell you. Take some painkillers, eat and go to bed. At least, you can do this without any problems?" Jungsuk glared at the junior, feeling, how the resentment and anger rising from the depths, interrupting all the tenderness and love, which he felt for the maknae. After all, Park is an ordinary person with his own weaknesses and errors. And when you are so openly spat in the face, throwing your efforts at your feet, anyone, even the calmest and most tolerant person, will break down.
"Fuck you!" Jonghyong swore and, shuffled his feet on the floor and his hand on the wall, as he made his way to the bathroom. He was so sick right now, that Hyong's outburst faded into the background, replaced by morning need and the urge to vomit.
Jungsuk closed his eyes and slammed his fist into the wall as soon, as the bathroom door closed behind maknae. A sense of helplessness and resentment suffocated him. He was afraid to imagine, what Jonghyong might do again, and what it would mean for both of them. Jungsuk's parents have repeatedly offered to bring Jonghyong to the States, to dispel his sad thoughts. They were believed, that a change of scenery would help the junior recover from the grief of loss. But they had no idea, what Jungsuk and the junior were dealing with. They didn't know about Jonghyong's problem. And Jungsuk would like, that they didn't know. He himself had not been to his parents for a long time, staying in Korea and looking after the junior. But at the moment, he had no other choice. Park had no idea if there was a way out of this situation. He had already considered going to a specialist more than once, but given the social stereotypes, he was afraid to imagine, what it might turn out for Jonghyong in the future.
Jungsuk clenched his hands into fists, imagining, how angry Jonghyong would be when he discovered, what Park was about to do. There was no guarantee, that this would hold the junior back, but Jungsuk decided to take the risk. He took Jonghyong's phone from the chair, then did the same with the junior's apartment keys. Leaving a small note on the hall table, Park double-locked the door and headed outside.
As he got into the car, he shook his head, thinking again about the correctness of his decision. This way, at least, he would have some guarantee of finding Jonghyong at home, when he returned. Anger and resentment still simmered inside him, and Jungsuk took off at a speed, that was out of bounds for this location.
Jungsuk was halfway to the University when Jonghyong came out of the bathroom, half alive-half dead, and realized, that the senior had finally left him. But as soon as his eyes caught on a piece of paper and then read it, a fit of rage shot through him and hit him again, when maknae discovered the absence of a phone and his own keys, which made it impossible for him to leave the apartment or even contact anyone, he needed to.
"Bitch! Fucking little bitch, Park Jungsuk!" the scream reverberated through the apartment, bouncing off the walls and back to the owner, making Jonghyong wince and head to the kitchen, to drink the painkillers, which Hyong had left on the table. He was still clutching the small piece of paper, that Jungsuk had left him, with the strength, which allowed himself of his weakened body.
"I'll be back in a few hours. Your phone and keys will be confiscated at this time. I'm sorry, but it's better for you. Food and water in the usual places. The TV is in working order. Entertain.
Jungsuk."
***
Jungsuk flinched and resisted the urge to put his hand to his heart, when he opened the door and saw Jonghyong, leaning back against the wall. The junior sat, with his arms wrapped around his knees, rocking back and forth slightly.
"Jonghyong?!" Jungsuk was afraid, that maknae was having another panic attack. When Park left home, he was very angry and offended by the reaction of the junior, but after his ardor was replaced by concern, he literally did not let go of the phone, checking the time until the end of the lections. And now, seeing Jonghyong in the same position, that he had found him in during the subdrop, Jungsuk was terrified.
"Are you all right? Why are you sitting here? How are you feeling?!" Jungsuk walked over to the younger guy and carefully placed his hands on his hands, which were still wrapped around his trembling knees. Jonghyong raised his head and smiled slightly, which surprised Jungsuk.
"It's been better, Hyong," Jonghyong said, leaning his forehead against the other's hands, letting out a long, heavy sigh. "You know, I was ready to kill you, when I didn't find my phone or my apartment keys."
"What about now?" Jungsuk chuckled a little, not so sure at the moment of the correctness of his morning decision. He was so angry, that he completely forgot, that his absence and isolation of Jonghyong could play the opposite role, than the one, that he was actually pursuing.
"I don't understand yet," Jonghyong chuckled, searing his hands with his hot breath, snuggling and caressing them, like a guilty kitten, seeking affection from its beloved owner.
"Forgive me," Jungsuk pulled one hand free and placed it on the junior's hair, immediately feeling, how dry and lifeless it had become. The usual luster was gone, the chestnut color was faded, and here and there small strands of hair stuck out, apparently not wanting to fit properly. When Jonghyong looked up at the senior's words, Jungsuk noticed the perspiration on the junior's forehead, the pale color and black circles under his eyes were still there, and the tearfulness was so noticeable, that it seemed to Jungsuk, that maknae was about to cry.
"I shouldn't have left you alone. I just didn't know, what else to do. I couldn't imagine, that I wouldn't find you again when I got home. I want to help you, Jonghyong. I really want. I can't watch, how you kill yourself, anymore. I want to help, but I don't know how," Jungsuk felt, how his strength leaves him. He was so exhausted by the endless worries and heavy thoughts, that he just couldn't take it anymore.
"You're already helping me, Hyong. You've done more than you can possibly do. You didn't leave me after all the shit, that I did. I… I… I want to, I want to end this, really. Want. Help me, Hyong, please. Don't leave me," Jonghyong's speech was confused and slurred, and Jungsuk could barely hear him.
Jungsuk helped the younger guy take a bath, noticing once again, how much he had lost weight, how his cheekbones were drawn, how clearly the scars on his pale skin were visible, how difficult it was for Jonghyong to accept his own helplessness. As he laid maknae on the bed, then crawled in beside him, he put his arm around the younger guy, stroking his head, as he shivered and toss and turns slightly at his side. Park couldn't say, that he took Jonghyong's word for it. He knew, that the situation was rather difficult, and it would be even more difficult to solve it. Jonghyong had been taking psychotropic substances for quite a long time and had already tried something heavier, than the usual "light" drugs. Simple isolation and support will not be enough here. The junior can break down again on any occasion because his mood now changed just every second. From reserved and quiet, he became irritable and violent. Jungsuk caught a glimpse of a broken chair and several broken cups, as he led Jonghyong to bed. Apparently, junior didn't just verbally abuse his Hyong this morning. The only thing, that gave Jungsuk any hope, was, that Jonghyong wanted to try. Try to end it all. Overcome this. Handle it. And Jungsuk was willing to do anything, to help.
***
Only those, who make absurd attempts, can achieve the impossible
(Albert Einstein)
It was more complicated than Park could have imagined. The next few days required him to show up at the University, which forced Jungsuk to leave Jonghyong at home alone. The latter reluctantly, but still gave him his keys and phone, avoiding the temptation. But Jonghyong's mood and condition were getting worse and worse. Maknae was irritated at any occasion, could yell and even throw with his fists at Jungsuk, after which he tearfully apologized, coming to his senses. Junior's night's sleep did not last more than a few hours, after which he turned and turned on the bed, covered with sticky sweat, sniffing and moaning. The junior's hands were shaking, and he was constantly wringing his fingers, rubbing his forearms, shifting from one foot to the other, and staggering as he walked. His gaze was mostly blurred and unfocused, not lingering long on a single object. Jonghyong tried to distract himself with computer games, but at the first breakdown, Jungsuk realized, that this was a bad idea. To take up his time before Hyong arrived, Jonghyong wandered around the apartment, looking for something to do, whether it was cleaning or washing, although he hated that.
"Occupational therapy hasn't hurt anyone yet," Jungsuk joked, to which the junior only snorted, wiping the already crystal-clear table for the hundredth time.
But no matter how hard he tried to calm himself, no matter how hard he tried to push the bad thoughts away from him, something in his brain was drilling – the worst is yet to come. And the premonition did not deceive him.
On the fourth day, Jungsuk found Jonghyong on the floor of the room. He was so scared, that at first, he didn't even understand, what was happening to the junior. After all, in the morning everything was in relative order. Although maknae seemed more twitchy and scattered, than usual. But Jungsuk blamed it on another lack of sleep, which he hadn't been able to avoid lately himself. Right now, Jonghyong looked like a madman. His eyes were wide, completely filled with moisture, and red cobwebs wrapped around his eyeballs in thin threads, he sniffed constantly, as if it was very difficult to inhale oxygen, his forehead and hair were soaked with sweat as if he had just come out of the shower, his body was pounding, as if from cold. Jonghyong wrapped his arms around himself and pulled his legs up to his stomach, not even paying attention to Hyong.
"Jonghyong! Jonghyong, can you hear me?!" Jungsuk touched junior's bicep and immediately felt, how it tense like a rock. Even the network of blue veins was clear and distinct. Jungsuk touched Jonghyong's wet forehead and almost got burned, it was so hot.
"Hyong…" Jonghyong's voice was barely audible, but Jungsuk immediately leaned his ear closer to the other's lips.
"I'm here, Jonghyong-e."
"It hurt…"
Jungsuk closed his eyes and clenched his fists. He'd been thinking about it all these days, but he'd naively assumed, that Jonghyong wasn't so got hooked, that they'd have to face it. How wrong he was. Jonghyong was clearly showing the first signs of withdrawal symptoms, and in truth, Jungsuk had no idea, what to do now. If he takes junior to the hospital, the call will be registered immediately. If he is inactive, it is unknown, how the body will cope with the next wave of withdrawal, which is still waiting for him just around the corner.
"Wait a bit, okay?" Jungsuk whispered, though he doubted, that maknae could hear him at the moment. He laid Jonghyong on the bed, covering him with a blanket, even though he was burning from the heat.
"I'll be right back. I promise."
Jungsuk dashed into the kitchen, his hands shaking, as he poured cool water into the first cutlery, that he saw, tore up the towel, and rushed back into the room. Setting the water and cloth on the nearest nightstand, Jungsuk pulled loose pants and a light T-shirt out of the closet. Lifting maknae's seemingly weightless body a little, Jungsuk changed first his top and then his underclothes, because Jonghyong was sweating so profusely and quickly, that his home kit could be wrung out like after a wash. Jungsuk crouched down next to him and began frantically wiping the exposed areas of Jonghyong's skin, to try to reduce the heat. He had no idea if it was possible to give maknae painkillers or antipyretics. In this condition, it is unlikely. Park was so confused, that he could only sit next to him and watch, as Jonghyong's chest rose and fell raggedly, his breathing became ragged and rapid, his forehead was covered with perspiration again, tears were streaming down his cheeks, his fingers were curled up, and his pupils were enlarged, completely filling the iris.
"It hurts, Hyong. I'm in so much pain…" Jonghyong whispered after another bout of nausea, as Hyong changed his clothes again, putting a pillow under his back, to allow easier breathing, and dabbing his forehead with a wet cloth. Jonghyong was hurting so much, that it was hard to imagine. His head was numb. Wanted to sink teeth into something, that to ease the itching and destroy pain inside. His heart was pounding like crazy, ready to jump out.
"Help me, Hyong. Please, help me…" Jonghyong clung to the senior's arms with the last of his strength, as Jungsuk continued to hold him, pour in tears, and watched, watched, watched, as his boyfriend literally vomited from the inside out.
The heavy breathing gave way to moans, the moans turned into long whimpers, and the last straw for Jungsuk was the cry of the junior when the latter once again clung to his arm, now noticeably squeezing the skin with short nails, digging almost to the blood, and screamed so, that Jungsuk wanted to cover his ears, just to not hear this madness.
"Why are you doing this to me?! Jungsuk, help me! Help me. I need. Now! Very need! Please!"
Jungsuk looked at Jonghyong and knew exactly, what the junior was talking about. He was in pain. His body needed something, that to ease this pain. Jonghyong wanted to take a dose.
Jungsuk struggled out of Jonghyong's grip, moving a little to the side, watching, how his boyfriend tosses around on the bed, literally ripping out his hair by the roots. He hastily pulled out his phone and dialed the number of the first person, who came to mind.
"I listening."
"Chaebom…"
"Hyong? Is something wrong?"
"Chaebom, I need your help. I'm afraid, that I can't do it alone this time."
"Hyong, what's going on, I don't understand, what the hell you're saying!"
"Just… come to us with Jonghyong. And don't say anything to Muyong. I'll explain it all later. Come as soon, as possible."
"All right. I'll be there in twenty minutes."
Jungsuk closed his eyes and put the phone away, returning to the junior. He was still tossing and turning on the bed. Jungsuk thought about immobilizing maknae because, at this rate, he could do even more harm to himself, but Park wasn't sure, if that would make it even worse than it already is, so he just tried to hold his hands on his own. He wasn't sure of anything right now. All, that remained, was to wait for Chaebom to arrive. Two heads are better than one. Jungsuk was willing to risk it, even if Jonghyong killed him later, for telling his friend everything without his consent. If he can recover.
***
Truth is like the sun. You can block it out for a while, but it won't go away
(Elvis Presley)
By the time Chaebom arrived, Jonghyong had become unruly. Jungsuk barely kept him on the bed, while maknae's body literally broke and twisted, while the junior screamed so, that it seemed that could have been deafened, but after a while, he switched to low and hoarse moans, because the vocal cords simply could not withstand the load. Park had to immobilize Jonghyong after all so, that he couldn't hurt himself as well, as being in the same position. The doorbell startled him, and he quickly jumped out of bed, assuring Jonghyong, that he would be back soon, although it was unlikely, that Jonghyong had heard him. A terrible pain twisted his insides into tight cords, twisting them again and again, slowly and methodically, as if someone had deliberately twisted a pre-prepared lever. Head ached from the slightest, even the faintest sound, sending out a rumbling hum as if someone had put Jonghyong inside a huge bell for fun and started banging on it from the outside. Blinding white flashes flashed before his eyes, although the light in the room, where he was, was rather subdued. His own fingers curled against his will, trying to grab at something, to vent the pain, that was eating at him from within. The searing flames spread through veins, searing and burning, and wanted to pour a bucket of water on himself, to get rid of this oppressive heat. Body felt hot and cold. Jonghyong was drenched in sticky, unpleasant sweat, and immediately shivered, as if in the cold. He was shaking as if with a fever, his eyes were ready to burst with the effort, his own saliva was drying on his lips, and a heart-rending scream could shake and bring down the walls of his small "cell", replaced by soft moans from lack of strength. Jungsuk had been looking at Jonghyong's condition all this time and couldn't believe, that this was happening. He thought, that he was asleep. Now he will wake up, and everything will be as before. Maknae would lie on the bed next to him, wincing slightly in his sleep, and when he woke up, he would smile this beautiful smile, that made his stomach drop, wishing him good morning. But another doorbell rang, and he was still running for the door, after checking the knots of cloth, that had wrapped around Jonghyong's arms and legs.
"Hyong!" Chaebom stormed into the apartment, out of breath. "What the hell happened?! You call me, don't explain anything, ask me to come. Did something happen? What's going on with you and Jonghyong lately? I haven't seen him in weeks. And why the hell did he take a vacation from uni, without explaining anything to me? I can't get through to him. I understand, that the terrible event with his parents really hurt him, but…"
"Chaebom," Jungsuk shook his head, wrapping his arms around the junior's forearms, as he chattered non-stop, don't let Hyong say a word, "Jonghyong is really sick right now. He…" Jungsuk closed his eyes, realizing the absurdity of the situation. And why did he bother Chaebom at all? After all, the junior didn't know anything about Jonghyong's condition. He carefully hid his addiction from his friend under the guise of depression and unwillingness to communicate. Jungsuk could see, how worried Chaebom was. He even tried to talk to Park, to get some information, because it seemed strange to him the behavior of his friend, his suddenly out of nowhere aggression, constant absenteeism, excessive isolation. But Jungsuk was silent as a fish. What could he tell? That Jonghyong lost his way and got hooked on drugs? The senior didn't know, how Chaebom would react to this kind of news, so he remained silent, covering for Jonghyong, thus keeping everyone around him in the dark. Muyong was more perceptive, so he didn't believe a word, that Jungsuk said, but he pretended, that it didn't concern him. However, Park could see, how his friend's eyes narrow whenever he talked about Jonghyong. Muyong didn't particularly like maknae, but after getting close enough to Jungsuk, Jeon seemed to accept the presence of a strange and mysterious boyfriend in his friend's life. But Jungsuk couldn't guarantee the same tolerance from Muyong if he found out about maknae's current situation.
"Wait," Chaebom paused, mirroring the movement of the senior's hands, "what do you mean, Jonghyong is ill? What's wrong with him?!" Chaebom tried to run toward the room, but Jungsuk held him back. "What's going on? What are you hiding from me again?!"
"Chaebom," Jungsuk took a deep breath, it was too late to back down. "Jonghyun's going into withdrawal. For a while, he took psychotropic drugs. I don't know exactly, which ones or for how long. But now… He recently left home, and I couldn't find him for several days, and when I did, I found needle marks on his hands. Jonghyong was shot up at least a few times before I could pick him up. Four days have passed since the last time, and now he has started withdrawal syndrome, the body requires another dose, despite the short period of reception. Jonghyong is strong, but his body is completely weakened, and I have no idea, how to help him," tears welled up in his eyes. For the first time, Jungsuk was ready to cry in front of the junior. His hands were falling. His strength was failing.
Chaebom blinked for a few seconds, then pushed Jungsuk away with such force, that the senior almost crashed into the nearest wall, and rushed toward the room.
"Chaebom!" Jungsuk realized, that Chaebom was about to see his friend in this state and ran after him, but junior was already standing next to the bed, where maknae was still writhing. His arms and legs were so tense, trying to free themselves from the "shackles", that it seemed as if the skin might split at the seams, revealing bare muscles. His eyes bulged almost out of his head, his teeth clenched to a deafening grinding sound, and loud moans, that threatened to turn into screams or hysterical laughter, once again pierced the room. Jungsuk was surprised, that none of the neighbors had complained about them yet. The sound insulation, installed at the time, played a role at the moment.
"Chaebom…"
"Shut up. Just… shut up now," Chaebom squeezed his eyes shut, groping for his phone. "Stay with him, I need to make a phone call."
Jungsuk walked stiffly back to Jonghyong, holding a wet towel in his hand, once again wiping the sweat from maknae's face.
After Chaebom's call, a man in his late thirties, who specializes in the sphere of addictology, arrived at Jungsuk's apartment. At first, Jungsuk was afraid of the publicity, but Chaebom assured him, that he knew the man well, and there was no need to worry about divulging the information, at least not yet. Jungsuk was grateful for Chaebom's quick reaction and the decision, that he made in such terrible conditions because he himself couldn't even think straight at the moment. But even though Chaebom seems to have pulled himself together after cursing in their room, when he saw his friend, the junior still stared at Jungsuk with undisguised anger and resentment at the bottom of his deep chocolate eyes.
"Sonbae…" Jungsuk greeted the man with a bow, but the man only nodded, quickly undressed, and grabbed his briefcase.
"Go where?"
Jungsuk escorted the senior into the room, immediately rushing back to Jonghyong.
"How long is the process going on?" the man lifted Jonghyong's upper eyelid, then quickly touched his forehead with the palm of his hand and felt for a pulse.
"I… I don't know, a few hours, maybe more."
"Did you give him anything for the fever, any painkillers?" the man asked questions, alternately treating his hands with an alcohol solution, putting on disposable gloves, previously laid out on the table by Chaebom.
"No… did I do something wrong?!" Jungsuk was terribly afraid, that his inaction could harm the state of maknae.
"No. You did the right thing. In a state of withdrawal, the patient is not given anything, that can provoke a sharp jump in blood pressure, some painkillers and medications are also contraindicated. Your only mistake is that you didn't call a specialist as soon, as you noticed the first withdrawal symptoms. With more timely help, it was possible to avoid convulsions and such severe pain."
"I just…"
"Scared, that's understandable. What's your name?"
"Jungsuk," Park jumped on foot to foot next to the bed, where the man was sitting. Chaebom stood a little distance away, ready to help immediately.
"What did your friend take?" senior opened the package with the syringe, immediately pick up the drug prepared earlier, which, apparently, was supposed to "calm down" the junior. "Chaebom, turn your friend on his side."
After lowering his pants a little, the man used his free hand to smear an alcohol solution on Jonghyong's buttock and immediately put him an injection.
"I'm not sure…" said Jungsuk, watching the man's manipulations, while himself remained a limp doll standing a little distance away. "At first, it was pills. Like the ones, that in the club distributes. Then I found the needle marks. That was only four days ago. I didn't think, that it would be this serious," in fact, Jungsuk's premonition had been telling him about it for the past four days. And junior's condition only served to confirm the speculation. But Park refused to believe it, until he found maknae lying on the floor, whimpering with pain all over his body.
"Each person's body reacts differently. We don't know, what your friend took, so it's difficult to determine the source and consequences. A little later, he will need to pass the necessary tests. And don't be under the illusion, that once try it, won't get used to it. Also, don't expect an immediate recovery. Your friend will be sleeping for a while, maybe, all the next day. A little later, I will put an IV with saline and glucose, to start the process of cleaning the blood, thereby mitigating the state of withdrawal, glucose will feed the dehydrated body because at the moment your friend will not be able to eat. As I understand it, you thought to do the gastric lavage yourself?"
Jungsuk nodded. He kept feeding maknae water for the entire time, until Chaebom arrived, and then his senior, which caused nauseating spasms, resulting in vomiting and cleansing of the body.
"I can recommend the necessary medications for the recovery period, but you need to understand, that you have to show him to a specialist? Your friend needs serious medical attention, if you want, that he to overcome this condition. It's still possible. But if you don't, the craving may come back again, and your friend's next withdrawal will be much more difficult if he doesn't die earlier from an overdose, which happens much more often because each time the addict needs to increase the dose that he took."
"He's not a drug addict!" Jungsuk raised his voice, suddenly angry at the epithet from the man. He just shook his head, checking for a pulse. The junior calmed down after a while, and the senior took out the intravenous injection system, connecting it to the nutrient solutions, hanging the soft containers on the head of the bed so, that the liquid ran down the tube, and then began to pack his things back into the suitcase.
"Chaebom, can I have a word with you?"
Chaebom nodded, glancing at Jonghyong, and followed the man out of the room, ignoring the trembling Jungsuk.
"Chaebom, understand, that this is necessary. If…"
"Hyong, we can't send Jonghyong to the hospital. If this was real, I wouldn't have called you. If this gets out, Jonghyong will be expelled from uni, he will lose everything. He's already lost his parents. He was heartbroken, which is probably, why he's in this state now. I know, this isn't an excuse, but Jonghyong isn't a finished drug addict. I've known him since childhood."
"We all believe, that we know our loved ones so well, that we never assume the worst. That is why the consequences are so deplorable. When you can't make a clear assessment of the situation because of empathy or other similar feelings, you don't see the essence of the problem."
"I understand, Hyong. I really understand. But Jonghyong can't go to the hospital. Please, I'm asking you, help. You have knowledge and experience."
"Chaebom, I only recently graduated from an educational institution, and I don't have enough qualifications."
"But you were quick and timely to help. Please, do this, we have no one else to turn to."
The man sighed, running a hand over his face. He felt sorry for the guy in the next room. But he didn't see the difference between him and the other drug addicts, which he had already met during his studies and initial training at his medical facility.
"I'll pay You."
The senior and Chaebom turned toward the exit from the kitchen, where Jungsuk suddenly appeared, pale and sweaty, barely able to stand.
"How is he?" Chaebom asked, cold, but concerned.
"Sleeps. How much?" the second question was already intended for the senior.
"It's not about money, understands," although a man would not refuse additional earnings, and who will refuse, while you are just starting to work, not having all the benefits, that your older colleagues. "You must understand, that the recovery of the body after taking drugs of any kind requires some effort, subsequent work with a psychological approach. You'll have to go to a psychologist anyway because any person's addiction is first and foremost here," the senior pointed at his head, and Jungsuk nodded. "Are you ready for this? Don't get me wrong, but I don't want to waste my time."
"I'm ready. I'll do anything," Jungsuk folded his arms, then glared at Chaebom, who chuckled at his words.
"If something goes wrong, the responsibility will fall entirely on you. I don't want any problems. Check his pulse and monitor his breathing, call me immediately, if there are any changes, and don't do anything yourself. At least, not yet."
The juniors nodded, and the man started toward the exit.
"And the money?" Jungsuk called out to the man, as he stood in the doorway.
"First, let's try to get your friend out of this state, and then we'll see. Save your money for medical treatment."
"Thank You…" whispered Jungsuk, now feeling very guilty for his breakdown in front of the senior.
"I'll stay here, Hyong. Thank you. I owe you one."
The man grunted in response and waved goodbye, leaving the guys.
"What the fuck was that?!" Jungsuk snapped, after he returned to Chaebom in a kitchen, after checking on Jonghyong. "What did I do to you? Why are you acting like this? First, you helped me, even brought your senior, and then you started being rude to me?"
Chaebom stood at the window, looking up at the long-darkened night sky. The phone was bursting with messages and calls of Muyong, but Chaebom didn't tell him anything other, than that he was spending the night at Jonghyong's.
"I'm talking to you! What's going on?!" Jungsuk grabbed Chaebom by the sleeve, but junior suddenly woke up and forcefully pushed the senior away from him, causing him to almost run into a nearby table.
"What's wrong with me? You're kidding me, hah?! What the hell is going on with you? Not only did you not tell me, what was going on with my best friend, even though I fucking asked you a bunch of times, but you didn't do anything yourself! You didn't say anything for six months, while Jonghyong was throwing that stuff, and you didn't do anything! You're a good boyfriend, nothing to say!"
"And what was I supposed to say, huh?" Jungsuk loomed over Chaebom, as he stared defiantly into his eyes, not even moving. "That your friend is addicted to drugs, that he disappears day and night in the middle of nowhere, that I search for him all over the city, and then bring him to his senses so, that he can at least show up for one lecture and not get kicked out of uni?! That he's spending money, left by his parents, on this shit? Was I supposed to tell you that?!"
"Yes, fuck! He's my friend, I should have known!"
"If he didn't tell you, then it was necessary."
"Well yep, and you are so right all the way, fed him, washed, instructed, and for the next dose for him did not run by chance?"
The words were the last straw, and Jungsuk slapped Chaebom hard across the face, sending him reeling back, clutching at his bruised cheekbone.
"You have no idea, what I've been through these past six months. You don't know, what Jonghyong went through. You don't know a damn thing, Chaebom. So either shut your mouth and help me or get out of my way!" Jungsuk was so angry, that the pupils in his eyes were pulsing, like a fucking killer robot. His hands were shaking and clenched into fists, and beads of sweat were running down his temple. The vein in his neck was beating so clearly, that it was obvious. His hair was tousled and straggling here and there. Despite the obvious fatigue, lack of sleep, and fear, that still lingered in the air, Hyong looked more than intimidating right now.
"You're right, I have no idea. And who, do you think, is to blame?" Chaebom wiped the blood from his split lip and walked around Jungsuk, who was still raging with rage. "I'll sleep on the couch. Have a good night, Jungsuk-Ssi. I hope, that today's experience will teach you to trust your loved ones. Because not knowing sometimes turns out to be bad not only for you but also for those, who are dear to you."
Chaebom went to the bathroom, and Jungsuk sat down on the floor in his kitchen, running his hands through his hair. Tears of either resentment or anger at himself choked him, not allowing him to breathe. He hated himself for his helplessness and inaction. He hated himself, for not doing anything about Jonghyong for so long, lying to his friends, turning a blind eye to the obvious, not believing, what was happening, until the last moment. Chaebom's words stung him to the heart. After all, there was really nothing that Jungsuk could do to help Jonghyong. Because he simply did not have the necessary information and training, because he was simply confused because he was scared to hell. If he had reported, what was happening, to Chaebom earlier, he would have called his senior back then, and all this could have been avoided. But Jungsuk didn't say anything, assuming, that Jonghyong didn't want his friend to know everything, that was happening to him. Park kept his friends in the dark, and this turned out to be very unfortunate for both Jonghyong and himself. Chaebom was right. Sometimes not knowing is worse, than even the darkest awareness.
A few words from the author:
Dear readers, I would like to share my own opinion regarding this chapter and, perhaps, dispel some of the reader's doubts.
Everything about Jonghyong's condition: mood swings, body disorders, descriptions of withdrawal and its prevention – all these are purely common signs of any addict and the corresponding actions to help him. This is not a detailed description or an introduction to the course of medicine, but only general concepts. There are a decent variety of narcotic substances, each has its own effect on the body and the central nervous system, a different period of decay and excretion, a different time of exposure and action in general. People, as you know, are also different: someone's body is stronger, someone is weaker, someone is larger, someone is less physically developed. Therefore, the effect of the drug, as well as the consequences of it, will be different.
I deliberately did not mention specific types of drugs, so as not to confuse the reader with unnecessary terms. Therefore, perceive this as a general unstabilized state.
Now with regards to the behavior of the characters. At first glance, it might seem, like Jonghyong is just a fucking junkie and a nutcase, who doesn't deserve a bit of attention. Perhaps, otherwise, I would agree. But not right now. In the past, Jonghyong had to deal with such a flurry of shit, that not everyone can stand, he lived in constant fear, subject to eternal total control, which significantly affects the condition of even the most powerful person. You might think, that nothing happened. Fill in grief alcohol and live on. Why switch to drugs? But let's admit, that nicotine and alcohol are the same drugs, they just last longer and with less tangible effects. Therefore, I see no reason to change one evil for another. In this case, the effect called "Stress Reaction" worked, when the body is so much exhausted both mentally and physically, that neither the support of loved ones nor oblivion at the bottom of the bottle can help. The person is looking for a faster solution. And finds it. Again, Jonghyong is not an experienced drug addict, who went for it deliberately or foolishly. This is his only way to deal with this situation. There is a very informative and interesting film "The Basketball Diaries" on a similar topic. I advise you to watch it. The subject of drug addiction is spelled out in it great detail, and a normal person with an excellent and promising future can lose everything, just sniffing for the company.
As for Jungsuk, I also emphasize, that all his efforts and throws are not just described. He tries to help Jonghyong because he realizes, what he's going through, realizes, that Jonghyong has no one else but him. This is not banal love or pity, this is real help from a neighbor, no matter how corny it may sound. It might have been easier for Jungsuk to leave Jonghyong and take care of himself, but he knows, what the junior went through, so he can't leave him.
So that the reader does not have the opinion, that the author romanticizes events (in no case, yuck!) or does not understand a damn thing about what, that he wrote, I will explain. I myself went through this, so I know from personal experience, what it is.
When I lost two people close to me at an earlier age than now, I did such shit, that now can't believe (alcohol, nicotine, promiscuous sex, and so-called soft drugs also did not pass me by). I hurt myself and others, did not accept anyone's help and support. So I have understood, why Jonghyong did that and not otherwise. And if there was no such "Jungsuk" next to me, everything would have ended very badly.
I also visited Jungsuk's place. One of the people close to me became an inveterate rastaman for some reason, and I didn't leave him the same way, how Jungsuk doesn't leave Jonghyong. Not because of love or warm feelings, but simply because the person would have died in the gutter, if not for my help. Why didn't Jungsuk help early or see a specialist? This question also takes place. And the answer is simpler than one might think. Because of the banal fear. Jungsuk couldn't go to the doctor, so as not to betray Jonghyong's position. He himself did not have sufficient qualifications, after all, his direction is not narcology. He was just confused. Jungsuk is just a simple student guy, who already took on quite a lot for his age and position. I, being in his place, did the same, believing, that an ordinary fight, quarrel, or threat would help a loved one to be "done with". And I realized the opposite only after a lot of time. So Jungsuk doesn't give a f*ck… as it might seem. He just didn't know, what to do in this situation.
I do not accept drug addiction, I do not consider it as a healing of the soul, and I do not justify it, but sometimes I can take the side of a person's defense. Drug addicts are not born. They become. But the causes and effects are completely different, and I can distinguish between them. In this case, with Jungsuk and Jonghyong, I'm in favor.
And the last topic, that I decided to clarify because I was very surprised by the reaction of some of my Russian readers, this is our beloved anal sex.
I describe sexual intercourse from the point of view of an ordinary person, as authentically and acceptable to people as possible. And by god, I don't understand, why some readers have the question, that anal sex is painful. Seriously? We are not dealing with the universe of the omegaverse in this case, where the omega's anus is wider than the average person, and lube is produced during intercourse, and during estrus simply in huge quantities, which allows the alpha to enter the omega's anus without any additional preparation, for besides, drive the swollen knot. We are not dealing with getter sex, where a woman's vagina naturally secretes the lubricant and can freely accept a man's member (although in this case, a woman may experience pain, if this is an uncomfortable posture, the wrong size of the male genital organ, or simply unwillingness, as say, "dry sex"). We are dealing with ordinary people/men, with an ordinary anus and, excuse me, a cock in girth that is far from 5 mm. Anal sex is a priori painful, and I would never believe, that someone does not feel at least discomfort during preparation, not to mention penetration, being in a receiving position. Of course, if the anus of the passive is broken up to the size of the underground tunnel, that the train can pass, I apologize for such details, then yes, it won't hurt. Otherwise, even with the preparation and attention of the partner, penetration into the anus with something larger in diameter, than one finger, will be painful. And I do not understand the authors, who describe anal sex as something unimaginably pleasant without certain procedures, how passive almost cum a few shocks inside, how an active find the prostate immediately and without problems. Some passives even do not cum without additional stimulation (like an active, in principle), no matter how much to activate it in the prostate gland. These are already the characteristics of the body, as in women, again: not everyone experiences a vaginal orgasm, some may experience only a clitoral orgasm, and accordingly, no matter how much a man pushes a member into a woman's vagina, no matter how much he twists and turns the poor partner, a woman without additional stimulation the clitoris simply cannot cum.
I have experienced this experience of anal sex on both sides more than once, and I can assure you: this is a damn unpleasant procedure at first, because the anus contracts after each intercourse, and it has to be stretched again at the next sexual contact, even if several days have passed. Therefore, in my texts, there will be no such thing: undress, enter, leave, cum. I try to describe events close to reality, and not pink illusions of young girls and boys with rainbow tracks and princes on white horses, who have no idea about anal sex. I went through this, so I can accurately write that, what I write, at least, from the point of view of one living person, and not a fantasy invented by me.
It was my specific opinion to dispel some of the understatement, if any, and to protect my characters from an unfounded flurry of criticism.
If the reader has a desire to discuss or speculate, I am always open, within reasonable and constructive limits, of course. Thank you all for your attention, see you in the next chapter!