Some days you're in a good state; sometimes you're not. Many pretend to be okay, saying that they're not "weak" as if that would make you a weak person. I don't think that's right. People won't say you're a weak person if your physical condition is not that good. It should be the same for the mental condition as well. Society should be more understanding
(SUGA. BTS)
The USA. New York, 2025
The vulgar sounds of skin on skin echoed off the walls, surrounding the two young men with a passion of lust. Jonghyong was writhing on the bed, bound hand and foot. The head was buried in the pillow, the ears rattled by the tributary stream of blood, eyes rolled back, mouth feverishly sufficed air, wet tongue was running over his dry lips, trying to moisten with life-giving moisture. The young man's chest rose and fell with furious speed, causing sparks of sharp and languid pain to pierce even more to the very tips of his fingers, because from the slightest movements, metal clips "pinched" the sensitive nipples, swollen and reddened, for a long time. Filled with crimson, oozing with lubricant, languishing with pain and an agonizing desire to finish, the cock was encircled by a titanium ring, and the ball attached to it repeatedly slipped into the long-stretched, wet, thirsty anus. Jonghyong's body was one continuous erogenous zone – where you don't touch it, it burns with fire. But his partner only seemed more amused. Jungsuk, smiling devilishly, occasionally tugged at the chain, stimulating the clamped beads of his nipples, running his tongue over his skin, feeling its goosebumps and every hair standing on end. With his dainty little fingers, Park stimulated the junior's entrance with a metal ball, only teasing him more, not giving him what he wanted. The soft leather tails of a small the lash, firmly held in Hyong's hand, ran playfully over the junior's body, occasionally striking light, weightless blows to particularly sensitive areas. Jonghyong shuddered and almost screamed at the hyperstimulation. After he had stretched and prepared it, the senior suddenly thought of "playing". Jonghyong was beside himself with excitement about half an hour ago and was counting on a cock in his ass. But that was not the case. Jungsuk had put a ring on him, not allowing him to get a release, having previously brought him to the boiling point, and now he was literally mocking his body and psyche, having fun at his own pleasure. Jonghyong couldn't say, that he was against it, just the opposite. Lately, it had been hard for him and Jungsuk to be alone enough to pull off something like this. The decision placed a certain responsibility on the shoulders of both young people. It wasn't just each other they had to take care of right now. In their home, which they had moved into with Jungsuk immediately after their official marriage, another family member was now present.
That's why Jonghyong was torn apart by the pleasure of what the senior was doing to him, but also by the desperate desire to stop it all as soon, as possible. Despite the fact that the mind has long wanted physical torture, the body has approached the limit of its own capabilities. Jungsuk was too sophisticated. He didn't limit himself to whipping the junior. Hyong loved to play and did it better, than anyone else. Jonghyong's eyes filled with tears, that were about to spill, his fingers and toes curled up, the head of his cock ready to explode from, how much he wanted to cum. But as soon as Jonghyong opened his eyes and noticed, how enthusiastically, how passionately, Jungsuk was playing his part, trying to give his partner what he needed, the desire to stop him faded into the background. Jonghyong was fully confident, that Jungsuk would stop as soon, as the junior asked him to.
Park leaned in close to junior's completely wet face and inhaled his scent noisily. "Damn, you're amazing, Jonghyong-a! You're just gorgeous. Look, how well you're doing," his own cock was dripping with natural lube, sticking to his lower abdomen. The junior's submissiveness, the power over his body, his smell, the gleam of his brown eyes, the gasps, that turned into an uncontrollable whine – all this lifted Jungsuk to heaven. But despite the euphoria, that seemed to fill his brain, Park noticed every movement, every reaction of his junior. He was ready to stop at any second and hug and kiss Jonghyong for a long, long time until he came to his senses after the session. Jonghyong groaned convulsively every time he heard his husband's praise. It had been a little over a year since this status had been assigned to Jungsuk, but Jonghyong was still thrilled to realize it. Although in the beginning, it was just the opposite.
When Jungsuk stunned the junior with his suggestion, Jonghyong had only recently recovered from a long and painful rehabilitation, gradually returning to his studies. He was completely shattered mentally and physically, literally putting himself back together to get a piece of where he left off. And Park's suggestion scared Jonghyong out of his wits. So much so that during all the drug-fueled shit, the subsequent treatment, and recovery, the seemingly abandoned feeling of an impending panic attack returned again. It came back with such force, that Jonghyong didn't understand, how he ended up on the floor of his and Jungsuk's bedroom with his knees, pressed to his chest, and his hands shaking. An avalanche of paralyzing fear hit junior so hard, that he couldn't breathe. He gasped for air, clenching and unclenching his fingers. His head was literally pounding with a flood of self-disgust. An inner voice was saying, piercing the ear with a deafening battle, that such a dirty, worthless, sick, and unbalanced piece of shit could not possibly be worthy of such an offer. That he couldn't handle the responsibility, that would fall on his shoulders. That he would not be able to cope with the upcoming trials of a future married man. And the main thing is that he can give nothing, absolutely nothing, to his partner, except problems and a heap of troubles in his own person.
Jungsuk was terrified when he saw Jonghyong fall into a state of prostration, after which his breathing sharply increased, and the junior sank to the floor, wrapping his arms around himself, trying to protect himself. It wasn't the first time when Park had prevented Jonghyong's panic attack symptoms, but it hadn't happened in quite some time. Kneeling down next to the young man, Jungsuk gently, but confidently took his hands, immediately feeling the tone of the muscles in the other's body. Breaking the iron shackles, Jungsuk cupped Jonghyong's face in his hands and tried to make eye contact. Jungsuk suppressed his own panic attack, when he saw, how much the junior's pupils had widened in fear. But the senior tried to control himself as much, as he could, because his uncertainty could affect Jonghyong much more, than his own condition. In a calm, but confident tone, Jungsuk spoke to the junior, assuring him, that everything was fine, that he had nothing to fear, that he was not alone. Jungsuk breathed loudly and clearly, urging Jonghyong to follow his example. When the attack subsided, Park took him to bed and lay down next to him, holding him lightly, stroking his head. Jonghyong didn't say a word and soon fell asleep, leaving Jungsuk to berate himself for his rash act. Jonghyong had only recently recovered from his condition, and Park shouldn't have dumbfounded him with such an offer so soon.
Jungsuk wasn't surprised, that Jonghyong started avoiding him. The junior tried not to have breakfast with him, ran off to university earlier than usual, and spent all his time lecturing, even sleeping on the couch in the living room. Jungsuk couldn't say, that this state of affairs didn't upset him, but he knew, that, if he pressed Jonghyong again, he would achieve nothing but silence and alienation. The junior needed time to digest the information, that Hyong had given him. And Jungsuk could only wait. And the next time it was the senior's turn to be surprised.
A couple of weeks later, Jungsuk went to the kitchen to make coffee as usual and found Jonghyong sitting at the table. Park gave no sign of surprise, bade the young man good morning, and went to the coffee machine.
Jonghyong watched Jungsuk's movements in silence. The sprawling home T-shirt, that had once belonged to Jonghyong himself, almost covered the man's buttocks, so voluminous was it. The boxers were hidden under the light fabric, leaving only long, toned, light legs. Hyong's hands moved with regal grace, seemingly unfit for anything other, than holding a pen between his fingers. But Jonghyong knew from his own experience, how strong and rough they could be, and how gentle and soothing they could be at the same time. The man's hair, which had recently been a rich red, stood out comically in different directions after the shower, still damp in some places. Rings and two pairs of broaches with a small shiny stone on the end decorated the earlobes of Jungsuk. The rings on his neat fingers glittered in the light. Hyong's skin was so smooth and soft, it was just worth looking at. But even all of the above could not doubt the strength and strong-willed character of the senior. Despite his comely, sometimes slightly twinkly appearance, Jungsuk was the strongest person, which whom Jonghyong had ever met. Park was responsible, always took a serious approach to this or that business, his intelligence and insight could be envied, his endurance was amazing, his kind and sensitive heart knew no bounds. Jungsuk has done so much for Jonghyong, and Jonghyong has done so little for Jungsuk. It seemed that Jonghyong was only bringing trouble to the senior. But for some reason, today, after carefully examining his boyfriend, feeling the power of his aura, feeling with every cell of his body the connecting thread, that had long wrapped Jonghyong from head to toe, feeling the extent of overwhelming gratitude throughout his chest, he realized, that his heart aches painfully. It hurt so much, that the junior covered it with his hand, feeling, how frantically and violently it was beating. Jonghyong loves Jungsuk. He loves him for everything, that the senior has done for him, loves him for what Jungsuk really is, loves his appearance, his character, loves when he is angry or joking, upset or happy, calm or impulsive. Jonghyong loves everything about Jungsuk. And he doesn't want to lose it. It might sound selfish, but junior would just die without his Hyong. Literally.
"Jonghyong-e, is everything okay? Why are you looking at me like that?"
Park's voice snapped Jonghyong out of his own thoughts. The man looked slightly puzzled, looking himself up and down as if looking for an extra limb.
"I love you."
Jungsuk almost dropped the cup from his hand. To hear such words from Jonghyong and so suddenly, for no reason at all, it was... unusual. Jungsuk knew, felt, that Jonghyong really loved him, as much as he could, as much as he know, as much as he had understood and learned in the few years, that they had been together. But to talk about it... Jonghyong was not good at this kind of speech. It wasn't often that Jungsuk heard him say anything specific about love. After he confessed himself, it was only after a long, long time, that Jungsuk heard the cherished phrase come out of the junior's mouth in an embarrassed, quiet voice. Because now, in the middle of the kitchen, in the early morning, when nothing foreshadowed such an outcome, these words, so confidently and clearly uttered by the junior, pierced through the heart of Jungsuk, bringing a sweet and so desirable languor. The more often you make such speeches, the faster it will become worthless. Therefore, Jungsuk sincerely believed in the sanctity of what Jonghyong said. Only he couldn't understand the reason for such an unexpected violent outburst.
"I love you too, Jonghyong-e."
"I agree," Jonghyong immediately blurted out, not moving from his seat. He was sure of what he had said. He'd been thinking about it for a few fucking weeks, and the realization that had come to him this morning, backed up by the thoughts that had just raced by like a high-speed train, had made that confidence even stronger. But Jonghyong was still terrified. But only now is the expected reaction of Hyong. His attitude could offend the senior, and the current dumbfounded appearance of Jungsuk did not inspire positive emotions at all. Because the junior's ass was glued to the chair, and his legs were so heavy that Jonghyong couldn't move a finger.
"Jonghyong..."
"I want to be your husband, Jungsuk," the junior said as firmly as possible, reinforcing his confidence with an informal address. "I want to belong to you, completely. And it's not just because of what you've done and is doing for me. Although this also plays a huge role in our relations. It's stupid to deny it. Without you, I would literally die in the gutter. Without you, I'm getting discouraged. You're the anchor, that keeps me close, that keeps me from falling into the maelstrom of the shit that surrounds me. You are my guide, pointing the way to the light. You are my shadow, following me everywhere, hiding me from problems and troubles. You're the voice in my head, that not letting me off the chain. You are part of my crippled heart, which will not be full and will stop beating without you. You're a part of me. I love you. And I want to be yours," Jonghyong didn't notice that he was right in front of Jungsuk, pinning him against the countertop. The words were pouring out of his mouth uncontrollably, even though he hadn't planned on saying all the crazy stuff he'd just said. Jonghyong just wanted to say, that he loves Hyong, that he is ready to become his husband. But as soon as he opened his lips, his brain refused to cooperate.
Jungsuk was so dumbfounded, that he couldn't say a word. It seemed like Jonghyong was saying so much right now than he had said in all the time they had been together. It hit his sensitive gut so hard, that tears gathered at the corners of his eyes. Jungsuk couldn't hold them back, and they rained down on his fair cheeks. Jonghyong reached out and carefully traced the wet tracks with his thumbs.
"I know, that you deserve a lot more than a sick bastard like me can give you. But I just can't without you, you hear, Jungsuk. I can't. I love you so much."
The salty tears were drowned in a slow and sensual kiss. Jungsuk couldn't calm down, couldn't pull himself together. It seemed that for the first time, it was Jonghyong's turn to take care of him. Strong hands stroked the rounded buttocks, squeezing them sharply and setting them down on the countertop. Jungsuk gasped, when Jonghyong was between his legs, gently, weightlessly, but so sensually caressing his thighs with his large and big palms, descending with kisses from the earlobe, first pulling the ring, along the line of his chin, sensitive neck, collarbone, to the neckline of his T-shirt. When Jonghyong got tired of holding the cloth with his hand to give himself access to Jungsuk's skin, he simply took the hem of the T-shirt and, with a sharp yank, tore the old rag in two, exposing Hyong's beautiful, milky upper body. Jungsuk gasped as Jonghyong's tongue gently circled around the halos of his nipples, brushing against a silver clicker surrounded by glittering pebbles in one of them. Following the wet path to the hollow of his navel, screwing his tongue into the pit, Jonghyong gently placed his hand on the senior's cock, feeling it harden from the morning's need, reinforced by the junior's sensual recognition and uncomplicated caresses.
Jungsuk watched Jonghyong and couldn't concentrate. He knew he had something to say, something to do, but his brain refused to think. Seeing such a large, developed, at first glance rather rude guy, who was essentially more gentle, than a kitten, more defenseless, than a rabbit, more responsive, than the most experienced temptress, Jungsuk had a cognitive dissonance*. He knew exactly, what Jonghyong really was, despite his brute-like appearance as a cheeky guy. But now, exhausted and excited, Park watched the mountain bend before the blade of grass. How Jonghyong, seemingly so strong and unwavering, with weightless and gentle movements drives Jungsuk into a frenzy, trying to show his attitude. Jungsuk couldn't stand it when warm lips touched the head of his aroused cock, and he gripped the table top with his hands, throwing his head back. A blowjob performed by Jonghyong was always beautiful, but today, after the words he said, for some reason, especially. Jonghyong slowly and carefully took his boyfriend's flesh down his throat, circling his tongue around the wet, reddened head, and could not calm the raging emotions inside. He suddenly wanted to say a lot more to Hyong, than he had already said, to show and prove how much he meant to the junior, but all the words faded from his mind when he heard an unrestrained moan from somewhere above. And as soon as the senior's domineering hand was in his hair, pushing him to take more action, Jonghyong forgot everything he had just thought about. Only Hyong remained. Jungsuk couldn't take it anymore, and he lowered himself to Jonghyong, abruptly grabbing him under the armpits, lifting him to his feet. Hyong's tongue took over Jonghyong's lips so violently, that the younger man almost choked on the lack of oxygen. Before he could even blink, he was lying on the bed, in his and Jungsuk's room, and Hyong's fingers were gently stretching the tight passage, causing a slight pain, but such a welcome pleasure. Jonghyong moaned in unison with the senior's thrusts inside, wrapping his arms around his forearms and wrapping his legs around his waist. Inside, a huge lump of accumulated energy was building up, interfering with all the feelings and sensations, that junior felt, but could not express in words, ready to explode, and tears of liberation rolled from his eyes.
"Hyong?"
"Hm?"
Jungsuk ran his fingers through Jonghyong's hair, holding him so tightly to his body as if he didn't want to let go as if he wanted to merge with him. The declaration of love still echoed in the sex-and sweat-soaked room, and Jonghyong had never felt so good before.
"Same-sex marriage is not legalized in Korea."
Jungsuk stared at the bright wall in front of him. He was silent for a while, considering how best to tell Jonghyong what he was about to say. His suggestion had startled junior, sent him into shock, sent him into a panic attack, and separated them for several weeks. Jungsuk wasn't sure, how Jonghyong would take his next move.
"I know," was all Hyong said. Jonghyong raised his head and looked into his senior's eyes. Jungsuk met his gaze and tried to say something else, but Jonghyong sealed his lips with his own, preventing him from saying anything. Jonghyong knew, what they would have to do. He had also thought about this during the time he had been avoiding Jungsuk. And that was what scared him the most. Jonghyong was afraid of change, afraid that he would not be able to cope with the burden of responsibility that would inevitably fall on him after taking such a serious step. Marriage itself is a complicated thing. A marriage between two men... Between the likes of Jungsuk and Jonghyong... Even in the most tolerant country, there is always someone who will look at them with disapproval, twirl a finger around their temples, spit after them or poke their nose in the shit. But the feeling that enveloped his heart didn't want to go away. Jonghyong felt Hyong's love and support even from a distance. He didn't want to lose it. He didn't want to lose everything he had right now because of his stupid prejudices and his own fears and insecurities. He didn't want to lose everything, that Jungsuk had given him. Jonghyong knew that he would have to change too much in his life, leave the place where he was born and grew up, leave his friends, leaves everything that he had here. But over the course of these two weeks, Jonghyong realized that none of this could compare to how he would feel if he lost Jungsuk. The junior's heart belonged to him completely, ready to follow the senior wherever he went. Jonghyong took a deep breath and ran his index finger along the line of his senior's chin. He understood junior without words, and immediately his eyes filled with a mixture of ecstatic joy and shock.
"Are you sure?" Jungsuk tried to make sure, that Jonghyong wasn't delusional, given the euphoric emotions, that filled him. Would he back down, when the fog of lust and the ephemeral state of satisfaction dissipated, leaving the harsh reality only? Jungsuk had always thought of Jonghyong as strong, but taking such a big step wasn't easy.
"I'm sure, Hyong. I'm sure," Jonghyong nodded confidently, resting his head on his senior's chest again, listening to his rapid breathing and the beating of his heart. He was sure. This place, the place where he was born and raised, had always brought him nothing but pain and frustration until Jungsuk came into his life. The junior's heart belonged to him completely, ready to follow the senior wherever he went. There was nothing to hold him back here anymore.
"Hyong, please..." Jonghyong whined, still feeling the weight of the metal ring around his swollen cock. He wanted to cum so badly, that his eyes bulged and the veins in his temples bulged.
Jungsuk grinned, but still took pity on the junior, freeing his organ from the shackles, and the nipples from the clamps and Jonghyong immediately cum so violently and a lot, that the sperm flooded his entire pubis and stomach, while the junior himself simply could not contain his own screams. Release washed over his entire body, and Jonghyong felt both exhausted and satisfied at the same time.
"You did so well, Jonghyong-e, you did so well for your Hyong," Jungsuk whispered in his ear, touching the exhausted trunk lightly, making Jonghyong shiver and whimper, instinctively avoiding others fingers because of the hypersensitivity, that took over every part of his skin.
As soon as Jonghyong felt the head of Hyong's cock pressing against his ass, which had recently been torn by a metal ball, he tried to pull away, but the senior held him by his hips, gradually sinking his burning organ inside. Jonghyong was so exhausted, that he could barely move, only trusting in the mercy of the senior. But the sensations from the ordeal, that his body had overcome, still hadn't completely let go, making Jonghyong feel every touch, every push, every weightless kiss from Hyong a hundred times stronger than usual.
"Come on, Jonghyong-e, you're strong. You can handle it. You can cum again."
"No, Hyong, no, I can't," Jonghyong shook his head with the last of his strength. He wasn't sure he could.
"You can, Jonghyong-e, you can. Be obedient for your Hyong, bear with me a little longer, okay?" Jungsuk hissed, and a satisfied moan escaped his lips as he plunged into the junior's pliable and stretched anus. The inner walls were so welcoming and welcoming, but at the same time so solidly encircling and squeezing, that Park couldn't control his own breathing. The orgasm swirled somewhere very close. Jungsuk held back for a long time, caressing and torturing the junior, ignoring his own arousal.
Breaking away from the shackles of control, Jungsuk cum in hot tightness, but continued to touch the head of the cock to the now sensitive prostate of the junior, which for so many years he could accurately find even with his eyes closed. Small aftershocks rippled through Jonghyong's body, making him shudder, exploding small hypersensitive sparks inside, each of which might not have been received so violently if not for the fusion of them together into one huge and powerful stream of electricity, pulling all the nerve endings to the limit.
"Damn it, fuck, fuck!" Jonghyong cum a second time, not as hard or as much as he had recently, but the overwhelming pleasure washed over him, throwing him into quicksand, where his limbs wouldn't move, his tongue wouldn't move, his hair was wet and stuck to his skin, and his eyes couldn't see anything but the beautiful beloved face opposite.
"You're so good, Jonghyong-a, so strong, so beautiful," Jungsuk gently kissed Jonghyong's face and wet eyes, whispering praises in his ear with his honey voice. Jonghyong was melting from fatigue, the enveloping euphoria, and the words he needed right now.
"Don't fall asleep, baby. Just be patient a little longer."
Jonghyong tried to keep his eyes open, really, but his body wouldn't listen to him. He didn't even think about lifting a finger, let alone going to the shower, where Hyong was trying so hard to drag him.
Jungsuk gave up trying to lift Jonghyong's heavy body and smiled. The junior looked so innocent. So desirable. So sweet and vulnerable. Jungsuk wanted to pounce on him and caress, caress, caress, until the junior was completely exhausted again, begging Park to fuck him soon. But Jungsuk shook his head, pushing away the warm feeling, that was once again twisting in a knot somewhere in the lower abdomen, and began gently massage movements to relieve the junior's body of excess fluids.
After smearing all of Jonghyong's sensitive areas with an anti-inflammatory healing ointment, Jungsuk lay down next to him and reached for the phone.
The senior frowned when he saw the time on the clock. Junghyun should have returned home long ago. The junior didn't answer the phone when Jonghyong tried to call him, and later, when he found out, that his brother hadn't shown up at the university for several days, Jonghyong was furious. Junghyun had been living with them for about a year now, and he didn't want to cooperate with the seniors in any way. The once brotherly intimacy between the three young men was lost, when Junghyun found out, that Jonghyong and Jungsuk were married. The junior raged and shouted, showered Jungsuk with such insulting words, that it is difficult to imagine, accused his brother of abandoning him, exchanging him for other's cock. Jonghyong tried to be patient, though patience was never his strong point. He was talking to Junghyun, trying to make contact, but his brother wasn't listening. Junghyun became closed and unsociable, constantly sitting in his room, and on weekdays went to Uni and did not return until late in the evening. Jungsuk didn't know what to do, watching the two brothers constant bickering and swearing. Right now, Junghyun was already quite an adult young man, and slapping him on the back of the head would not be enough. Junior didn't want to hear anything. And he constantly bullied Jungsuk in front of Jonghyong to annoy his older brother and provoke him into a fight. Jonghyong's nerves had been jangling lately. He was ready to throw himself at Junghyun with his fists, and only Jungsuk's presence stopped him. Jungsuk tried to make attempts to talk to his sworn brother, but as soon as he opened his mouth, Junghyun would immediately leave with a dismissive glance in the direction of the senior or an unpleasant insult in a final. If the older brother couldn't influence the younger brother, Jungsuk had no power over him at all. Junghyun literally went off the chain. And once in the United States, feeling free, partially getting rid of the rules established once at home, Junghyun very quickly merged into the culture and mentality of a foreign country, in which respect for the elders was not such a strict priority.
And now Jonghyong was lying on the bed, lost in sleep. The news about Junghyun made him so angry, that Jungsuk had to take him in his hands to release the anger and tension, that he could see had been building up inside him for a very long time. Jonghyong was literally burning with righteous anger, and just a little more, and this anger would break free, sweeping away everything in its path. Jungsuk didn't want Junghyun to get in the way of Jonghyong, no matter how disgusting the junior one was. Park would rather take the brunt of the blow by freeing Jonghyong in the usual way than letting the storm break. Besides, Jungsuk couldn't hide the fact, that his own tension also needed to be released.
Jungsuk couldn't sleep, constantly looking at his watch. He was nervous, but he didn't dare call Junghyun, because he knew that it was unlikely that he would hear anything good from the junior. Perhaps his call will go unanswered altogether. Jungsuk carefully got out of bed, covered Jonghyong's body with a light blanket, and headed to the kitchen. He fished a menthol cigarette out of his husband's pack and lit it, immediately feeling, how the smoke settle in the back of his throat. Jungsuk was thinking of asking his father's friend for advice. He was a good and respected doctor with a lot of experience and helped Jonghyong a lot during his rehabilitation period. Jungsuk partially understood, why Junghyun was acting like this. The young guy was offended by his seniors for leaving him, and after the shock of the news of his brother's wedding with his friend played the role of a catalyst. Junghyun hated his seniors, he despised them, he couldn't stand being around them, he couldn't even breathe the same air as them. He only went with them because the relatives he lived with for a while, while Jungsuk was helping Jonghyong recover from his drug addiction, could no longer take care of him due to their age, and according to Korean law, Junghyun was still a minor. But Jungsuk fiercely felt the hatred and anger, that hovered around Junghyun. And he knew that he was the reason. Jungsuk wanted to help the junior understand what was going on, wanted to help him understand and accept his relationship with Jonghyong, but he couldn't take a step closer to him. That's why he was thinking about consulting Mr. Moore.
The sound of the tires whistling brought Jungsuk back from his reverie to the ground. He pulled back the curtain and saw a dark blue Chevy approaching at an exorbitant speed. The high beam of the headlights hit Jungsuk squarely in the eyes, and he squinted before he could see the picture in front of him again. Junghyun literally fell out of the car. He could barely stand. Slamming the door harder than necessary, he stumbled over to the passenger door and yanked it open, grabbing the roof of the car with his free hand. A similarly deranged girl, no older than sixteen, got out of the car next. She roared with laughter and clung to Junghyun, and he put his arm around her waist and led her towards the house. Once in the hallway, Junghyun jokingly put a finger to his mouth to silence the girl, and she pretended to cover her face with her hand, still giggling. This was too much.
"Junghyun," Jungsuk abruptly turned on the light in the kitchen, thus catching the couple off guard, "I think your girlfriend needs to go home," Jungsuk impressively glared at the gal, which immediately lost all her cheerful mood and hid behind her beau. "Now," Jungsuk pressed. Junghyun seemed taken aback at first by the sudden appearance of a disgruntled Jungsuk. Never before had the senior been like this to him.
Junghyun reluctantly but still escorted his girlfriend out, having previously ordered her a taxi. As soon as he returned to the house, Jungsuk blocked his way into the room.
"Don't you think this is too much, Junghyun? This girl isn't even eighteen, and you didn't bring her here in this state just to get her to rest in your bed. Do you understand how this could have turned out?"
Junghyun shrugged, still smiling stupidly.
"I didn't make her come with me. Should I have asked her for her passport, when I met her? I don't even remember her name." Сasting a disdainful glance at the still disheveled Jungsuk, Junghyun continued even more disrespectfully. "And why the hell are you even prying into my personal life, Jungsuk? Shouldn't you be busy fucking my brother, hah?"
Junghyun deliberately provoked Jungsuk, but Park didn't fall for the junior's trick. He had heard similar insults more than once and had no intention of indulging the whims of a young teenager. But as soon as Jungsuk opened his mouth to say a word, an angry Jonghyong burst out of the room.
"And now quickly apologized to the senior and addressed him properly!" Jonghyong's eyes glowed with righteous anger. As soon as he heard the whizzing sound of tires, he immediately woke up, and the dream disappeared. He was ready to tear his brother apart. But his anger, so long suppressed, flared up, even more, literally sending lava coursing through his veins, burning from the inside out, when he heard, how Junghyun allow himself to talk to Jungsuk. Jonghyong had long endured his brother's disdain for his now-legitimate husband, and he wasn't going to let it go any longer.
"Why should I apologize for the truth? Did I say something wrong? Doesn't our beloved Hyong fuck you into the bed every time your bedroom doors close?" dirt poured out of Junghyun's mouth in a mad stream. He couldn't control what he was saying, because of the alcohol inside him and the resentment that, even after all this time, could not be forgotten.
"What the hell we do in our bedroom is none of your business! Hyong is my legal husband, and I can fuck with him whenever I want," Jonghyong blurted out. "And you! What right have you to behave like this? Who are you to have the nerve to talk to Hyong like that?! What the fuck are you dissatisfied with? You have everything your heart desires! You wanted us to take you away. We did it. You wanted to go to university when you were in school in Korea. You did it. You wanted a car. Hyong gave you his. You have a roof over your head, money, and a good marital status! So, what the hell else do you want, you little shit?! When will you finally shut your fucking mouth and be grateful for at least some of what your seniors gave you?!" Jonghyong was at Junghyun's side so quickly, that Jungsuk didn't have time to prevent it from happening. A strong and powerful blow hit Junghyun's cheekbone, Jonghyong could not control himself at all, grabbing his brother by the collar of his shirt, dragging him like a kitten by the scruff of the neck, and alternately striking at the handsome young face. The alcohol slowed reaction, and Junghyun couldn't respond to his brother as fiercely and quickly, but before Jungsuk could do anything, he kneed him in the stomach, and Jonghyong doubled over, letting go of his brother of the grip.
"Stop it!" Jungsuk started to rush towards the brothers, but Junghyun pushed him away, knocking Jonghyong onto his back on the floor, sitting on top of him, pinning him down with the weight of his body, and began pounding with his fists wherever he had to. Jonghyong rolled Junghyun over, crushing him under him, and raised his fist to strike again, knocking all the crap out of this ungrateful little jerk.
"I said, stop it!" Jungsuk recovered from the sharp pain that shot through his back when he was thrown into the wall by Junghyun's powerful push and made an attempt to pull the evil Jonghyong away from his brother. Grabbing the other's hands, twisting them behind his back, Jungsuk pulled Jonghyong aside with great difficulty, because he did not want to calm down, constantly trying to break free and throw himself at his brother again with his fists.
"Stop it, enough, now!" Jungsuk spun Jonghyong around to face him and slapped him hard across the face. Only then did the senior see the gloom of rage that filled the junior's eyes gradually dissipate. Jonghyong remained where he was, making no further attempt to approach his brother, though his fists were still clenched tightly, his body was shaking with ill-controlled rage, the veins in his arms and neck were swollen, and sweat was streaming down his temples.
"I'm sick of the way that ungrateful little shit treats you, Hyong! Do you hear that?! Tired of it! I've put up with his shit enough. If he's going to keep pissing me off and treating you like this, then he can just get out of here and never come back!"
Jonghyong's words startled Jungsuk. Never, never had Jonghyong been so negative towards Junghyun. All their quarrels were big, but never did Jonghyong allow himself to speak out in his brother's direction like this.
"Jonghyong, calm down. You're not yourself right now. You'll regret what you said later. Let's all just calm down and..."
"I said," Jonghyong glared at Jungsuk, and there was no doubt in his eyes, then he turned to Junghyun, who was still lying on the floor, wiping blood from his broken lips, and pointed at his brother with a finger, "if he's not going to shut up and apologize right now for everything he's done and said to you, then get out of here!"
Junghyun froze for a moment. Jungsuk even felt like he was about to follow Jonghyong's words. Jungsuk saw such pain and disappointment in the younger guy's eyes, that Park immediately wanted to comfort him, no matter what he had said to him earlier. But then a sarcastic smile appeared on his bloody lips, and his eyes flashed with an unpleasant gleam.
"See, Hyong, I told you. You shouldn't be following my personal life. You must take good care of my brother. Because other than your cock, he doesn't care about anything else. Even his own brother."
"Get out of here!" Jonghyong immediately took a step towards Junghyun, but he was already on his feet and staggering towards his room.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Jungsuk shoved Jonghyong in the chest with both hands. "Do you have any idea what you've done? Junghyun doesn't show up at home anyway, he's always avoiding us. Can you have any patience? He's just a kid. He's just confused. You must speak to him immediately and apologize!"
"Apologize?" Jonghyong's eyes were ready to pop out, he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Are you serious, Jungsuk?! Apologize? Do I have to apologize for the fact, that this... insults you, do not put me in anything, and throws mud at us? Do I have to apologize for the fact, that he's always hanging around, instead of going home, where he's loved and expected? A kid? Is that him you call a kid? This kid rides the wheelbarrow you gave him and hooks chicks to bring to our house. This kid pours alcohol into himself, as in a bottomless barrel, after which all sorts of shit pours out of his mouth. Am I supposed to be patient? I still don't understand, how I didn't beat the shit out of him before! If it wasn't for you, that's exactly what I would have done. Should I apologize?! Fucking dick I owe him, not an apology! He won't get a damn thing out of me! Freak out and will come crawling."
"Jonghyong," Jungsuk gave the junior a menacing look. "You must..."
"Aish, go to hell, Jungsuk! I'm tired of your compassionate attitude. I have said everything I think, and I will not give up my decision. If this asshole isn't going to apologize, then go to hell! I'll go to bed and advise you to do the same," Jonghyong, still annoyed, headed for the room. The morning online conference, scheduled for a working project on the development of a new website design, was not canceled.
Jungsuk let out a loud breath through his nose. He knew for sure, that Jonghyong wasn't going to sleep because his current state would simply not allow him to relax enough to fall asleep. It was just an excuse to let the man know, that the conversation was over.
Jungsuk rubbed the bridge of his nose about all this problems. Before he could catch his breath, he saw Junghyun. The guy changed his clothes and grabbed his car keys from the hall table, heading outside.
"Junghyun, wait!" Jungsuk caught up with the junior even at the risk of starting the next fight. Although looking more closely, the man realized, that Junghyun was less hostile than he had been a while ago.
"What do you want, Hyong?" Junghyun accentuated the address to make it sound sarcastic. "I have friends waiting for me. Jonghyong-Hyong made it clear, what I should do."
"Junghyun, you know, that's not what Jonghyong meant. You were very upset and said a lot of things to each other, that you would never have said under normal circumstances. Jonghyong is just really worried about you. And you know, that he's not the kind of person, who talks directly about how he feels. But believe me, he gets very upset every time, when you fight. We just can't understand you. We've lost all contact with you. We don't know how to approach you. Please, Junghyun, you were so close to Jonghyong before. Such a connection just doesn't go away. Tell me, what makes you so angry? Why do you hate us so much?" Jungsuk knew, that Junghyun could just turn around and leave without explaining anything. But for some reason, junior kept standing there. Park caught a fleeting glimpse of guilt in the younger man's eyes. Junghyun was already regretting what had happened. But like Jonghyong, he wasn't going to admit it.
Junghyun took a deep breath as if he was carrying a heavy weight on his shoulders. He was so tired. Tired of keeping things to himself, tired of being silent, tired of digesting his grievances alone. But his fucking pride wouldn't allow him to talk to any of the Hyongs, instead of showing only aggression to cover up his own weakness.
"Do you really hate me so much for being more than just your brother's friend?"
The sudden question made Junghyun turn his full attention to Hyong.
"What do you mean?"
"You can't accept the fact, that your brother has tied the knot with a man?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Junghyun was suddenly so angry, that he pushed Jungsuk away, stepping on him. The guilt that had just flickered deep inside his evaporated again, replaced by irritation. Damn Hyong didn't even know the essence of, why Junghyun was acting like this. He didn't even think about what the hell was going on!
"Then why? Why the hell are you acting like this?" Jungsuk tried to control himself, but his patience was running out. He thought, that Junghyun just couldn't accept what he had learned. He could not accept, that his brother was not what the average man should be. After all, he and Jonghyong had never told him about the true nature of their relationship. And when Jonghyong left his parents' house, Junghyun was too young to understand any of the things that befell him later.
"Do you think, that I'm angry because you're fucking my brother in the ass? I don't care about that! I've never been a homophobe! Fuck, some of my friends are openly gay, and I absolutely don't hate being around them!"
"But..." Jungsuk didn't understand. If Junghyun didn't despise him and Jonghyong because of that, then why?
"You left me, okay?!" junior blurted out, feeling tears of resentment and anger blurring his eyes. "You left me when I needed you so badly. You promised me you'd pick me up. You promised me, Hyong! But you abandoned me, left me alone in the care of distant relatives when my parents died, and I needed your help so much! You just cut me out of your life to take care of yourself. And how do you think I should behave, coming here and watching, how you two cooing sweetly to each other when I've spent the last couple of years in my own hell without a single person close to me?!"
"Junghyun..." Jungsuk was horrified by the junior's words. He had never thought, that this could be the reason. And now he felt the full weight of guilt, which immediately flooded him. He actually promised to take Junghyun away, but he didn't. The death of his parents hit Jonghyong harder than the senior could have imagined, and he had to work hard to help the junior recover. After that, the question arose about moving to another country, studying, working, and sharing housing. There were so many pressing problems and questions, that his head was spinning. And even at his own wedding, Jungsuk did not remember, that the person closest to Jonghyong was not present, because he was exiled to his relatives. Not only did Jonghyong lose his parents in that terrible accident, but not only he was also very heartbroken and needed support. Junghyun also needed it, and they abandoned him. Jungsuk wanted so badly to tell Junghyun the real reason, why they couldn't take him in earlier, but he couldn't without revealing Jonghyong's situation. Junghyun, like Jungsuk's parents, was still unaware of his brother's past drug problems. No one but Chaebom knew. So Jungsuk couldn't give Junghyun anything but silence.
"I see, that you haven't even thought about it, hah? It was easier for you to think, that I am fucking homophobe, who hated faggots. You didn't expect any other reason," Junghyun approached Jungsuk's face and hissed angrily in his face, spraying him with the remnants of alcohol. "I curse the day when my brother met you. I curse the day when you first entered our house. I curse the day when I trusted you. Hate you! Hate you both!" after saying that, Junghyun started walking towards the car, then slammed the door shut and took off as if he was being chased.
Jungsuk stood and watched, how the car drive away. Junghyun was right. And this truth was like a sharp knife cutting at the heart, forcing him to blame himself and only himself for everything that happened and is happening to the junior. Jungsuk wanted to go after Junghyun and beg him to come home, beg for forgiveness, and promise, that now he and Jonghyong would never leave him. That junior won't be alone. But he decided not to do it and let Junghyun cool down. He would talk to him tomorrow after he had brought his husband to his senses. Jonghyong needs to find out, how badly they screwed up.
Junghyun pulled over on the side of the road after half an hour of frantic driving. He had no idea, where he was or how to get out of here. In fact, no friends were waiting for him. Who in their right mind would be awake at two in the morning in the middle of an academic week?
Junghyun put his hands on the steering wheel and rested his head on them. Part of him regretted what he'd said to his Hyong. After all, it was because he loved his brother and his husband, that Junghyun was really angry. But the other side insisted that he had done everything right. Let Jungsuk-Hyong know, how much he offended Junghyun. Let Jonghyong-Hyong think, that his brother hates him. Let them suffer as much, as Junghyun did all that time alone.
"Dammit, fuck!" Junghyun slammed his fists down hard on the steering wheel, making it hurt. Hot tears rolled from his eyes. He didn't want to go home right now, but there was nowhere else to go. Junghyun turned the key, and the car growled as it moved. The younger man was so disoriented and angry, that he simply couldn't control his own emotions and actions. He needed to let off some steam. Junghyun had no idea when he would be back. Right now, all he could think about was his own resentment and anger. If he had the chance, he wouldn't see his Hyongs for as long as possible. That was the last thought, that flashed through his mind. Who would have thought that in time, Junghyun would regret it so much.
South Korea, 2027
Jungsuk carefully watched Jonghyong, as he carefully examined his completed work. The junior still held the brush tightly in his hand, as if ready at any moment to complete the picture, or maybe even cross it out with one bold black stroke, thereby "killing" his creation. This had happened more than once since junior had taken up the brush again. His work has always been colorful and literally resonated with life. But recently, Jonghyong's style has changed. The junior had been painting the picture, that Jungsuk could see, for a very long time, and more than once he had torn the canvas to shreds or crossed out the sketch of the drawing with such fury, that it was terrible to look at. At such times, Park tried not to get in the way of the junior. Jonghyong was literally freaking out: he could sweep all the tools of his art off the table with a single wave of his hand with a loud shout, pour paint all around, including himself, smashing his fists into blood on the nearest hard surface. His eyes were on fire, and his nose was steaming. The veins were swollen, and blue threads were clearly visible on the surface of the skin, sweat streamed down the temples, and the chest heaved feverishly with heavy and frequent sighs. And only when the attack of aggression gradually faded away, Park was there and did not let his husband fall into a huge bottomless hole of despair and powerlessness after the outburst of emotions, keeping him afloat. He held Jonghyong's hands tightly, breathing deeply and steadily, urging Jonghyong to follow suit without losing eye contact. Jungsuk spoke to Jonghyong as calmly as possible, but with confidence and firmness, completely controlling his own timbre of voice so as not to expose the junior to the opposite effect. After Jonghyong calmed down, Park touched him for as long as possible, listing all the good qualities of his husband, which made Jonghyong gradually relax and come to his senses. The tears of liberation dripped down on Jungsuk's hands, and he gently wiped them away with his fingers, caressing beloved face over and over again. Although these attacks became less frequent and less violent each time, they occurred quite often the first time after Jungsuk was able to pick up Jonghyong from the medical center, where the junior was sent after the death of his brother.
The loss of Junghyun was the final and fatal push. If after the death of his parents, Jonghyong tried to cope with grief with the help of drugs, then this time it was much more serious. Jungsuk didn't know what to do. Junior wasn't listening to him. Literally. After being informed of Junghyun's death on the day, that the junior left home after a major argument with his brother, Jonghyong fell into a psychological trance. He sat silently on the couch in the living room and just stared at a single point in front of him with wide eyes, in which Park saw nothing but a deep emptiness. Jungsuk tried to call out to Jonghyong and even shout, but the junior didn't respond to him. His brain seemed to shut down, unwilling to take in what was happening. The mind was split in two: one part of it was still "here", trying to make sense of what had happened, while the other tried to furiously abstract itself from what had happened, imagining a beautiful world where nothing bad had happened. Jonghyong could hear a voice in the back of his shattered mind, but he didn't recognize it. He couldn't find his way back. And he didn't want to. There was nothing left for him. He lost everyone he loved. Jonghyong didn't want to believe what had happened. He didn't want to accept it. Therefore, he plunged into a state of non-existence more and more deeply, shutting himself off from reality. After all, once he returns, pain, fear, despair, and a heavy sense of guilt will overwhelm him. He will simply drown in this deafening, sweeping away everything in his path, and will not be able to swim to the surface. He would rather be in a pleasant trance state, projecting for himself the images of his life, that he wanted to see than be consumed by guilt over his lost brother and the husband, who left to clean up all this shit.
Jungsuk was really scared. Taking the younger guy's hands, he tried to call out again and felt, how cold Jonghyong had become. His palms were wet and literally shaking in a state of tremor, while his body tensed like a string, defending itself from any external influence. Jungsuk tried to lift Jonghyong off the couch, but he couldn't. Jonghyong suddenly became literally an unbearable burden for the senior. With no result, Jungsuk gave up trying to move the junior and laid him on the couch so, that the position of his head was directly parallel to the line of his spine, and gave him a shot, that after a while helped Jonghyong close his eyes and fall asleep. Park knew, that he might have done something wrong about junior's condition. Jonghyong had already fallen into an unconscious state of insanity, and the sleeping pills might have made things worse. But Jungsuk couldn't let Jonghyong stay awake after what had happened, because lack of sleep was much more dangerous for the body, which has been subjected to such stress.
Tears gathered in the corners of his eyes, as Jungsuk took a few steps away, looking at his husband. Over the past few hours, he hadn't been able to think about his own worries and fears while answering the endless questions from the police and the medical staff, because Jonghyong simply couldn't afford it. When junior was informed of his brother's death, he became uncontrollably hysterical. Jonghyong was rushing out of the house to see his younger brother and make sure, that this wasn't some bad joke. But after confirming to the police, that the person, who died in the night traffic accident, was indeed Junghyun, Jonghyong... froze. And now he was lying on the sofa, sedated, pale, cold, haggard as if he had changed beyond recognition in seconds.
Jungsuk didn't understand why? Why them? Why Jonghyong? After all, he had already lost so much. Losing the only remaining blood relative... After all, despite the quarrels and omissions, despite everything the brothers had said to each other tonight, Jonghyong loved his brother as much, as the junior loved his Hyong. Jungsuk knew full well, that Jonghyong wasn't going to be okay. He won't get better the next day, the next week, or even the next month. He won't allow himself to be forgiven for the fact, that insulting and literally rejecting his brother was the last thing, that Junghyun heard from him before he died. Jonghyong didn't stop the younger guy, didn't follow him, didn't reason with him, assuming that the arrogant teenager would return in the morning, fully sobered and recovered, with an apology. Jungsuk couldn't imagine, even in the most terrifying and realistic nightmare, that such a morning would never come for them again. Such a morning would never come again for Jonghyong. He would never see his brother again. And it's going to slowly kill him every fucking day.
Jungsuk had no idea, what he was doing, or what was going on. Every time he thought about his junior's funeral, a lump rose in his throat, cutting off his oxygen supply, and his heart was literally pierced by hundreds of thousands of sharp daggers, and Jungsuk thought about joining his husband in this sweet oblivion. This time, Park won't be able to handle it on his own. Jungsuk dialed his father's number with trembling fingers and burst into tears like a boy when he heard a pleasant and familiar male voice. Jungsuk thanked all the existing and non-existing gods for having a family. There are loving parents, an idiot, but such a native brother and a beloved husband, who has always been a part of him. But now... Jungsuk is so tired. His body was exhausted. His eyes stung from the salt. His cheeks burned. His ears were buzzing. His hand was gripping the phone so tightly, that it threatened to snap in half. Park just didn't know, how to handle it all. This time, he needs help.
Jungsuk had about an hour before his relatives arrived. Outside the window, dawn was beginning to wake, gradually diluting the night's darkness with the first glimmer of light. A long beep sounded on the other end of the line when Park dialed another phone number. This time, he wouldn't hide anything. He doesn't want to go through this alone, no matter how selfish it sounds.
"Hyong, what the hell? You woke me up! What the fuck do you want?" the sleepy drawl of his friend's voice made Jungsuk choke on tears. A dry lump blocked his airway, and Jungsuk dreaded the prospect of suffocating in his own kitchen. A couple of years ago he thought, that the most terrible thing was Jonghyong's drug addiction, which Park managed with almost titanic efforts. However, it was nothing compared to what Jungsuk was feeling right now.
"Chaebom..." Jungsuk managed to say, his voice choking on the salt water.
"Hyong? What the fuck happened?!" Chaebom immediately woke up and got out of bed, not caring that he, damn, well needed to get some sleep before the night shift. After the drug incident, the relationship between Chaebom and his best friend's husband was strained, to say the least. Kim never quite forgave his senior for keeping him in the dark, while his childhood friend was literally destroying his body, slowly approaching death. But right now, Chaebom was frankly startled by Jungsuk's call. Hyong wouldn't call for no reason. After he and Jonghyong left for the States, Chaebom kept in touch directly with Jonghyong, seeing his husband only when absolutely necessary.
"Chaebom-a, help me... Please, help me," Jungsuk couldn't bring himself to say, what he had to say, that to even partially explain his call to his friend. He just couldn't say anything intelligible, except for endless sobs. Jungsuk hated himself for being weak and helpless, but he just couldn't control his body's reaction. Tears were pouring out of his eyes, and Park couldn't stop them.
Chaebom realized, that he couldn't get anything out of the senior, while he was in such a dead and deranged state, so he immediately opened the lid of the laptop located on the table next to the bed and began frantically tapping his fingers on the keyboard, checking the next flights to New York.
"Hyong, listen to me. Hyong, you hear me?!" Chaebom tried to call his senior, still keeping him on the line, holding the phone between his ear and shoulder. "I'll fly in today. You'll be about one o'clock in the afternoon there. The next flight is in four hours, at eight o'clock in the evening, our time. I'll fly, do you hear, Hyong?!"
"Yes... I... hear."
Jungsuk hung up the phone, leaning his head back against the wall, where he sat down, he couldn't remember when. Park closed his eyes, but the tears still continued to trickle down his already reddened cheeks. At the moment, Jungsuk didn't want to eat, sleep, or think. He didn't even want to go back to Jonghyong's room, and the thought scared the hell out of him. Jungsuk is very tired. And he realized with horror, that there was nothing he could do about it.
It had been about three weeks since Junghyun's death, and Jonghyong didn't seem to be getting any better. Moreover, Jungsuk's visits to the hospital also had no effect. In the presence of the senior, Jonghyong would close up, not reacting to Park's words or actions, just sitting there and staring at a single point on the light wall with his empty and lifeless gaze. Jungsuk was ready to tear his hair out. But according to the head doctor, Mr. Mitchell, as soon as he walked out the door of the medical center, Jonghyong changed before eyes. The junior became unruly, shouting, provoking fights with staff and other patients. After several major cases in which Jonghyong literally went into an uncontrollable rage and beat up two hospital employees, Mr. Mitchell placed him in a separate closed box with mandatory sedation in a cube with antidepressants, because Jonghyong simply seemed unable to be surrounded by other patients.
"He's very aggressive, Jungsuk," Mr. Mitchell said during another visit from Jungsuk to junior. "You visit him during the hours when the time of the medication is running out, so Jonghyong is completely calm and even a little too sluggish for a while. But once you leave, he becomes unmanageable. He's the most violent of all our patients. I had to go to extreme measures and increase the dose of the drug for a certain period of time. But I can't keep him on neuroleptics all the time. Jonghyong isn't crazy or schizophrenic. He went through a lot of stress. The death of a loved one always leaves a certain mark on the human psyche. In the case of Jonghyong, he lost his only remaining relative, and this no doubt affected him greatly. But he's not getting any better. Each time, his aggressiveness reaches a new boiling point. Jonghyong came to us in a suppressed, depressed state. He had insomnia, weakness, apathy. The sensitivity of his reactions was reduced, and there was a loss of appetite. Initially, I was completely confident in the diagnosis of "major depressive disorder"*, especially given the tragedy in your family, which served as a starting point for such a condition. But now..." the man shook his head and flipped through the patient's chart. "Jonghyong is being contradictory. Usually, patients with the depressive disorder do not show this kind of aggression. The most serious and difficult thing in their behavior is the belief in their own worthlessness, which keeps them in this state. To be honest, there were not so many such ambiguous cases in my practice. And I'm not sure what causes this development."
"I..." Jungsuk was silent for a long time, only half-listening to Dr. Mitchell. He could already guess the reason for Jonghyong's aggressiveness. The junior didn't react to Park when he came, but after he left, Jonghyong would fly into a rage. The panic attacks turned into uncontrollable fits of rage. Jungsuk was the only relative Jonghyong had left. But it was also a living reminder of what junior had lost. Jonghyong spent every difficult period of his life with Jungsuk. Park was always with him. And if it had worked then, it seemed to play the opposite role now.
"Considering what you've told me, maybe you're right," the man rubbed the bridge of his nose and looked at Jungsuk carefully. "In theory, your presence should have helped. But at this stage, you, as a material object, cause Jonghyong emotional ambivalence*, he can not concentrate on you, and should not. Considering you as a kind of shield to solve his own problems and phobias, Jonghyong has forgotten, how to deal with it on his own. This is dangerous and can lead to serious complications in the future. Jonghyong should receive appropriate treatment, moreover, I would strongly recommend visiting a psychologist even after achieving catharsis*, if he still manages to achieve it, because in patients with severe stress and depressive disorders, the period of remission* may become insignificant. He will need to consult a psychologist after discharge."
"Can I see him?" Jungsuk is tired of listening to all this psycho-brain-carrying nonsense, that the doctor gave him. The very thought of not being able to see Jonghyong was killing him, tearing him apart, and choking him like a noose. But his presence only seemed to make Jonghyong's situation worse, and Jungsuk had no choice but to listen. Leave the junior in the care of specialists. To get rid of the horrors of his life that he, Park Jungsuk, represented.
"Jungsuk, I don't think this is a good idea."
"Please," Jungsuk looked up at the man for the first time in their entire conversation. His eyes were wet with ready tears. The doctor took a deep breath.
"All right. But keep in mind, Jonghyong will be the same as before – indifferent and weak. I'll have to make arrangements for his movements, because we know, how your visit will end."
Jungsuk sat by Jonghyong's bed, while Jonghyong slept peacefully under the affect of the medication. Jonghyong seemed so peaceful and calm, and it was hard for Jungsuk to believe, that he was turning into a creepy monster, that was destroying everything around him after he left. Although Park knew firsthand about the younger man's outbursts of rage. He had witnessed it himself more than once, and he always managed with it. But it seemed that he was powerless now.
"Jonghyong-a," Jungsuk whispered, taking his husband's pale and cold hand, twining his fingers together. "You leave me no other choice. My presence doesn't help you. I don't think I can be of any use this time. You have to, you have to manage on your own."
Jungsuk choked back a burst of choking tears and was about to get up to leave his husband's room before he completely fell apart when suddenly the other hand squeezed his fingers. Jungsuk looked up, startled. Jonghyong's eyes opened and he deliberately looked at Jungsuk. Park saw a complete understanding of what was happening, as well as a terrible fear in usual brown eyes.
"Hyong..." Jonghyong's voice was low and hoarse from the long silence, but the grip of his hand was strong and confident, despite the weakness in his entire body, the junior seemed ready to chain Hyong to him by any means so that he would not leave him, "please, don't leave," it was the longest and at the same time conscious phrase, that Jonghyong uttered in all the three damn weeks, that he spent in this place.
Jungsuk has been recovering long and hard with Jonghyong. They learned to speak again, to listen to each other, to understand each other, to touch each other. Jonghyong flinched every time, when Jungsuk ran a hand through his hair, having received prior permission to do so, and Jungsuk froze every time he heard his husband's voice. It was as if they had gone back several years to when they first met and were walking in circles around each other, trying to figure out what each of them wanted. Jungsuk was already glad, that Jonghyong was on the mend for some reason. According to Mr. Mitchell, the fear of losing his husband caused Jonghyong to "wake up" and partially come out of the deep state of depression in which he was. However, Jonghyong spent a certain period of time in the medical center under strict supervision before Park was able to take the junior home.
The next problem to the recovery of the junior was an intimate relationship. Jungsuk had no idea, how Jonghyong would behave with him now. Park didn't think about having sex with him after everything that had happened, at least not until Jonghyong wanted to. Moreover, taking certain medications played a role. It was the first time Jonghyong had encountered such a phenomenon as erectile dysfunction, and it scared him very much. No matter how hard Jungsuk tried to explain, that it was temporary, that after the medication was completely removed, Jonghyong would be able to watch his erection again, it was little consolation for his husband. Every time Jungsuk tried to show even the slightest attention to the junior, he immediately turned away and shut him out. And so there was no limit to Jungsuk's surprise when, after what seemed like an eternity, he woke up in the morning to something considerably hard pressing against his thigh. Jonghyong continued to sleep, though his eyes moved erratically under his lids and his lashes fluttered. Jonghyong's sleep had improved noticeably since his time in the hospital, but he still occasionally had nightmares, followed by panic attacks, or restless irregular phases. But now it seemed to be a different kind of phenomenon. Jonghyong unconsciously rubbed his half-erect cock against the senior's thigh, and Jungsuk felt his stomach instantly fill with warmth and his own nature with blood. After a long period of abstinence, despite approaching the age of thirty, Park was aroused like a boy only from the fact, that the junior was actively fucking his leg, like some dog in the rut period. Jungsuk decided to take a chance and carefully moved lower, to Jonghyong's thighs. The obvious bulge was visible through the fabric of the thin boxers, not as impressive as before, but still stable. Jungsuk ran his fingers down the length of his cock and heard a stifled moan. Jonghyong immediately opened his eyes and gasped, when he saw his Hyong's position.
"Hyong, what are you doing?!" but before Jonghyong could protest, Park pulled the elastic band from the junior's pelvic bones and began to shower kisses on the old scars, lightly touching the exposed skin with his fingers. Jonghyong shivered like a leaf in a biting wind.
"Hyong, don't... you... I can't," Jonghyong tried to pull the senior away from his crotch. He didn't want to entertain false hopes. A one-time morning erection isn't proof of his returning masculinity. And so Jonghyong didn't want to be overwhelmed by his own helplessness and also disappoint his Hyong by not responding properly to his attempts.
"Jonghyong-e, just relax. It's all good. I won't hurt you, you know that, right? Come on, relax and don't think about anything. Just feel it. Feel me, baby," Jungsuk breathed hotly on the snow-white skin of the junior's crotch, watching it goosebumps. Jonghyong's toes curled up, and his hands gripped the sheets. There was no way he could relax enough to give himself up to the sensations completely. He was so afraid of disappointing Hyong, that his brain was actively working to eliminate the problem in the form of a lack of erection or ejaculation because the body could not plunge into the wonderful sensations, that gave a warm and such a fucking mouth of his husband. Jonghyong couldn't cum, no matter how hard Jungsuk tried. The junior was so deeply immersed in a state of fear, that the erection, that had been avoiding him for so long, and today for some reason returned, came to naught.
"Jonghyong-a, it's okay, you hear," Jungsuk hugged his husband, while the man turned his back on him, trying to hide his shame and the anger, that was beginning to form somewhere deep inside. "It's all right. We can handle it, you hear. Everything will be fine."
The fits of anger also did not leave the junior completely. At intervals, especially, when Jonghyong couldn't handle the emotions, that were surging through him for some reason, he would fly into a rage, often accompanied by derogatory consequences for himself. Dr. Moore had convinced Jungsuk, that both panic and anger attacks were normal during the first period of rehabilitation.
"Jungsuk, you want too much. Jonghyong is doing great as it is. Mr. Mitchell canceled a good half of the drugs, that your husband was given at the hospital. Jonghyong had a desire for intimacy. He tries to suppress the attacks of aggression with the help of his own strength and control, attending certain classes, to which I sent him. Of course, the result will not be fast. But Jonghyong is the strongest person, which whom I've ever met. He does not give up, because he wants to prove his strength and ability to control. Prove it to you, Jungsuk. You're his top priority for recovery."
"Hyong?"
Jonghyong's voice snapped Jungsuk out of his painful memories, and he blinked, watching his beloved husband in front of him. Jonghyong was almost completely covered in paint again. A small smear of blue was painted on his cheek, the ends of his hair were also smeared with acrylic mass, the brush was still clutched in his hand. Jonghyong's eyes were worried, and he was studying his husband carefully, his head tilted slightly to one side.
"Are you all right?"
Jungsuk took a deep breath and approached Jonghyong, carefully wiping the blue paint from his snow-white cheek with his finger.
"It's okay," Jungsuk smiled and touched his lips to the junior's, and he let out a heavy sigh.
"I'm done," Jonghyong shook his head, trying to push the tangled fringe out of his eyes, and moved a little to the side.
Jungsuk was both delighted and amazed. He was expecting something dark, scary, because, with each new attempt, Jonghyong used richer and darker colors. But right now, Park was watching a truly beautiful creation. Despite the dark blue gradually fading into black as the main color, Jonghyong's abstraction shone with colors. Yellow, orange, red, and light green intertwined in a variety of intricate strokes, creating a feeling of a small piece of warmth and comfort in the middle of a yawning dark void. The painting was still fresh, but Jungsuk couldn't resist touching the surface with his finger, feeling the coolness of the newly applied paint.
"I know it's not what you're used to seeing," the junior rubbed his neck apologetically as if apologizing to Jungsuk, "But... I like it. It fully reflects the feeling, that is now sitting in me. I'm still wandering in the dark. I'm still afraid of falling into this black abyss, that I created myself. But still, with your help, I can see the light," Jonghyong pointed at the colored strokes with the tip of his brush and smiled slightly "which helps me to hold on during difficult periods, helps me to remember, helps me to take control of what I'm used to. This confusing nonsense still lives in me, but I can handle it, Hyong. I promise you, I'll do it for you."
Jungsuk hugged his husband from behind, gently, with great love, touching his neck with kisses. It was always difficult for Jonghyong to express his feelings in words, but when he did, Jungsuk couldn't hold back the outpouring of emotions, that literally exploded into a million bright sparks inside, just like those bright brushstrokes in a painting. Such words from Jonghyong always acted as an aphrodisiac on Jungsuk, and after some time of continuous caresses and preparation, Park took the junior right on the couch in the living room, because he simply could not stand to bring his husband to the bedroom. Over the years, the desire to see Jonghyong's naked body has not diminished, Jungsuk could caress him for hours on end, tracing with the pads of his fingers every scar, every line, every erogenous zone, that he knew by heart. And Jonghyong was as sensitive and responsive as ever. He gave himself to his husband as if his life depended on it as if there was nothing in the world but the two of them. At such moments, the union of the two men was especially strong. Jungsuk could feel Jonghyong, and Jonghyong could feel Jungsuk. They understood each other without words. They caught each other's every breath and groaned, could literally read each other's thoughts. Park wove his fingers through the junior's long brown hair and pulled him up so, that Jonghyong's sweat-soaked back touched the senior's chest. Jonghyong let out a long moan and pressed his hands harder against the back of the couch, while his thighs frantically followed Hyong's movements.
"Cum, Jonghyong-e, cum for your Hyong."
And Jonghyong would cum, freeing his body and mind of all the shit, that still periodically rolled over him.
"I love you, Hyong," Jonghyong whispered, while Jungsuk continued to push into him, then, reaching for release, fell on his back, showering hot kisses on his salty skin.
"I love you, baby. Stay with me, Jonghyong-e. Stay with me."
Jonghyong breathed feverishly, easily holding his Hyong's body on his broad back. Such words of the senior, which had recently become a frequent occurrence, always instilled in him a great sense of responsibility. But now it didn't scare junior as much as it once had. Jonghyong wanted to prove to Hyong, that he was strong. He wanted to prove, that he was worthy of it. He wanted to prove, that Jungsuk's efforts were not in vain. Jonghyong's life was not a role model. He's been through things, that others can't even understand. He lost everyone he loved. But Jungsuk was still at his side. Jungsuk was his anchor, keeping him in this world. Jungsuk was his soulmate, which he managed to find in a thousand crazy faces. Jonghyong loves Jungsuk. And Jonghyong can handle it. They can do it together. After all, they have already gone through a lot, which only united them more, literally united them into one whole. And Jonghyong can handle anything to make sure, that this whole remains one forever.
Note:
* Cognitive dissonance – a state of mental discomfort of an individual caused by a collision in his mind of conflicting ideas: ideas, beliefs, values, or emotional reactions.
* Major depressive disorder – unlike normal depression, which means almost any bad or depressed, melancholy mood, major depressive disorder is a whole complex of symptoms. In addition to low mood, the major depressive disorder may include insomnia, drowsiness, weakness, feelings of guilt and self-deprecation, agitation or inhibition, problems with weight and appetite. The major depressive disorder also occurs with increased frequency among people, who are often exposed to stress.
* Emotional ambivalence – the duality (splitting) of the relationship to something, in particular – the duality of experience, expressed in the fact that the same object causes a person to simultaneously have two opposite feelings. Emotional ambivalence in psychiatry is one of three stages – both positive and negative feelings about a person, object, or event.
* Catharsis – the concept of "catharsis" in psychology is a method through, which there is an emotional and sensual discharge, which helps to reduce the level of anxiety or completely remove it, which ultimately leads to a better understanding of oneself and makes a general beneficial therapeutic effect on the individual. In psychotherapy, catharsis is one of the phases of treatment, in which the patient recovers in memory the events, that occurred earlier in life and influenced the occurrence of a psychoneurotic disease. Thus, the patient cleanses his psyche.
* Remission – a stage in the course of the disease, characterized by a temporary weakening or disappearance of its manifestations.
* Erectile dysfunction – dysfunction of the erection, in which the volume of a man's penis, its firmness, and straightness are not sufficient to perform sexual intercourse.
A few words from the author:
Greetings, dear readers. This is the last final chapter of Jonghyong and Jungsuk's past line. Ahead of us lies the final chapter of the whole story and, perhaps, a separate epilogue. Therefore, I can put an end to this plot line.
To be honest, I have a twofold feeling. On the one hand, I am sorry to part with my favorite characters, who for so long have become very close to me. But on the other hand, everything has its beginning and end, and the point must be put in the time. I am very happy, that the past line of the guys ended, and it ended on a relatively positive note. Jonghyong is a very strong character, despite all the hardships and buckets of glass and shit, that I poured on him. His psyche can be envied already because the guy really did not go crazy, he was subjected to alcohol and drug intoxication, visited a psychologist, got into a psychiatric institution. But it still didn't break him. Each time, he got up, picked himself up, and moved on. Perhaps Jonghyong is not entirely healthy from a medical point of view. I won't even deny it. He had mental problems at the very beginning, expressed by severe panic attacks and a fierce desire for manic control. But still, I can't call him crazy. Jonghyong had spent his entire life, from a relatively young age, fighting with himself, keeping everything inside him, shutting himself out, not trusting anyone. Such an unbearable burden puts a lot of pressure on even the strongest person. That's why Jonghyong allowed himself to show his weaknesses and express internal conflicts in the presence of Jungsuk over time, because he felt, that he could trust his partner, felt a stronger person next to him. After all, what can make a strong individual show his weakness – an even stronger individual, who is ready to support him. As Yoongi said in an interview to Esquire, "People won't say you're a weak person if your physical condition is not that good. It should be the same for the mental condition as well." The weakness is not that you are abnormal or sick, the weakness is not to admit it and not to seek help. And I am glad, that Jonghyong, even after such a long period of time, has learned to open up and fight, learned to share his fears and problems, because for such people it is very difficult.
I think, that with regard to Jungsuk, words will be superfluous, because it is clear from all his actions and actions, how much he is attached to his partner not only by love but also by ordinary human relationships. Perhaps the relationship of guys can look painful, abnormal, toxic from the outside, but these types of relationships take place, and they are much more common than the most ordinary unions. From the point of view of psychology, any toxic, so-called "dependent" relationships are always bad. But I wanted to show exactly this kind of connection from a more vital position, reinforcing it with the fact, that partners still help each other, and not only destroy each other's individual personalities. There is no person who is not subject to any phobia/fear/uncertainty about something, there is no person who is completely healthy, there is no relationship that is completely independent of each other, there are no absolutely equal partners. There will always be someone stronger or weaker, more dependent or more independent. Top priority – this is the desire and voluntary nature of the partners. Any relationship is a compromise. And a compromise, as we know, always outweighs the one who offers it.
Thank you for your attention. I hope, that the next chapter as a finale will be able to positively dilute all that crunchy glass, that we ate with you throughout all the previous chapters. See you later!