When you go to the next world, don't forget to turn off this one
(Viktor Koval)
The USA. New York, 2028
Jungsuk felt the pain. It didn't want to let go of his thoughts or his body, which was twisting in an arc. It was as if hundreds of small, thin needles were digging into the head, slowly and mockingly penetrating deeper and deeper into the gut. His temples were squeezed in a hard vise so, that he wanted to bang his head against the nearest surface, to get rid of this feeling. Tears welled up in his eyes, and he didn't even try to hold them back. Salty, wet tracks formed on his cheeks, as Park imagined, how Jonghyong standing in front of an easel, drawing enthusiastically and for a long time, and then destroying the object of his creativity, destroying his studio to the nines. He could imagine it as real. Park knew his husband very well. And now he was much worse, than Jungsuk. Park had never considered Kim weak. Just the opposite. Few people could survive and endure, what Jonghyong managed. But over the years they had both become so dependent on each other, that they simply could not imagine their existence alone. And now the support of his husband was needed by junior, as never before. Park was ready to tear his hair out in frustration. There was nothing he could do to help his husband, and the realization was killing him inside. His immortal soul was now beating, like an enraged beast in a cage, begging to be released. But there was nothing he could do about it. He could feel Jonghyong, as before, that didn't change. But now Jungsuk was so far away from him, beyond the bounds of possibility. From this wanted to die hundreds, thousands of times and be reborn again, just to be near beloved. Jungsuk would have given anything, to see Jonghyong again.
Jungsuk did not notice, that he was on the riverbank next to the house, and felt a weight on his shoulder. All this time Erik followed him at a short distance, to allow him to recover from the scene, that had unfolded. But Park couldn't calm down. Couldn't accept, what was happening. Couldn't accept it. His mood directly affected everything around him. Black clouds were gathering in the sky, hovering dangerously over the surface of the earth, ready to burst into torrential rain. The wind rose, tangling his hair and blowing his clothes, all the colors seemed to fade in a moment, the birds stopped chirping, the animals hid, the flowers and trees bowed to the ground in silent grief. Park was depressed. And his world was fading with him.
Erik looked around and shivered slightly, as the cold current enveloped him. State Jungsuk bothered him not a little. All newcomers arriving here felt something similar. Fear, guilt, pain, frustration, confusion – all these signs were inherent in every recently deceased person. But over time awareness came, softening and weakening the human essence, allowing you to accept and understand the essence of what is happening. But this was not the case with Jungsuk. Erik had never met soulmates on his journey. Such a strong addiction could be dangerous. It tore the soul apart, did not allow to find peace and harmony, constantly tore to what is no longer available. Jungsuk looked like a madman. He didn't want to accept reality, didn't want to accept and let go. And his emotions affected not only himself but the world around him as a whole. In this state he could have destroyed everything, he had built. Never before had Erik not had to deal with such manifestations of human connection. And that scared him.
"Jungsuk," Erik said, his hand on the other's shoulder. But Jungsuk remained silent. He was looking ahead, without much enthusiasm or interest. But he did not remove his hands from his shoulder, as before.
Suddenly in the thick of the trees nearby, Erik heard a muffled laugh. The green leaves rustled, the branches moved, and a moment later a young man of about thirty jumped out. His dark bangs fell over his forehead, curling slightly at the very ends, his skin was unnaturally light, almost transparent as if he did not appear in the sun, a bright smile touched his pink lips, the thin fabric of his trousers slightly evolved in the wind and a light T-shirt did not hide the tattoos, that encircled the entire surface of his arms.
Jungsuk turned at the laugh immediately, and his eyes lit up with anticipation.
"Jonghyong-e!" he shouted a familiar name and sped off toward the trees at a speed, that Erik barely had time to jump out of the way before the young man knocked him down.
"Jungsuk, stop!" Erik realized, what was happening, almost instantly. Jungsuk not only couldn't accept the loss of his beloved but also, realizing his abilities, projected his image. He was running so fast, that Erik didn't catch up with the guy. Park still won't be able to catch the fictional Jonghyong. Such visions were called "werewolves" here. The dead reproduced their subconscious, materializing it into a real image, that seemed real to them. In fact, it wasn't like that at all. No matter, how hard you try, you can't hide from reality. At least, not here. A werewolf will never become fully material, will never speak to you, will never show emotion, will never let you get close to him, just because he has nothing to do with the real world. It's just an illusion. Mirage. A beautiful mirage, that will never be real.
"Jonghyong-e!" Jungsuk continued to pursue his husband. He was so happy to see him again. When he was overcome with emotion, he simply could not bear it any longer, and once on the coast, he mentally imagined Jonghyong. Erik said, that Jungsuk could do whatever he wanted. That if he only wants to, any image, presented before his eyes, will come real. If he could control this damn world, then he could see whatever he wanted in it. And he wanted to see Jonghyong.
Jungsuk followed his husband along the river bank, and the latter continued to run away, laughing merrily, as he always did, when Park was alive. Jonghyong looked over his shoulder, winking playfully at his husband. But as soon as Jungsuk got within arm's reach, he was suddenly far away from Kim again, as if he hadn't just been almost there. Jonghyong plunged into the water and immediately found himself in the center of the river, dipping with his head with a ringing laugh.
"Jonghyong!" Park waded into the water up to his knees and was about to follow Jonghyong, but the young man did not come up again. Only a small crater remained on the surface of the water, and the ripples spread rapidly until disappeared altogether. There was silence. Park stared unconsciously at the spot, where Jonghyong had just dived. He didn't know, what he'd done wrong. After all, he did it. He managed to recreate the image of his husband. Then why couldn't he even get close to him?
"Jungsuk, come on. Get out of there," Erik's voice cut uncomfortably through the silence, pulling Park out of his own thoughts. Jungsuk had never felt so helpless. Even in difficult times, when he was around Jonghyong, he always managed to help, to do something, to avoid feeling so useless. Now with an immortal soul and seemingly limitless possibilities, Jungsuk felt completely powerless. He could do whatever he wanted, but he couldn't return what was most precious to him.
"Jungsuk, you know, that this isn't real. You won't get him back. Dead is dead. This is no place for the living, Jungsuk."
"Yes!" Park suddenly spun around in Erik's direction, catching him off guard, and shouted the answer louder, than he should have. "I understand. That's the problem."
Jungsuk climbed out of the water, feeling, how it squelch uncomfortably under his feet, and the streams trickle down his clothes, leaving wet tracks in their wake.
"At least, I tried," Jungsuk spat irritably and walked along the bank. Erik shook his head and followed him. Jungsuk's entire body tensed like a string and literally screamed about his condition. Don't need to be very astute, to understand, how a young person feels. Jungsuk was angry. And there was nothing Erik could do about it no matter, how hard he tried.
"Time will heal all, Jungsuk."
"Oh, shut up, smartass!" Jungsuk snapped, waving his arms in another fit of emotion. "Do you know, what the shit you're talking about? Look," Jungsuk raised his hand and pointed at his wrist, where a wristwatch could presumably be worn, "there's no time on my watch! For me, it has stopped now. But that doesn't change anything," Jungsuk's voice suddenly dropped again. "Jonghyong needs me as much as ever. I need him as much as ever."
"It will pass, Jungsuk. People's feelings are changeable."
Jungsuk almost choked on this bravado. How dare this man talk about him and Jonghyong, as if he knew something of, what they had been through.
"You don't know us! You don't know a damn thing, okay?" Park walked past Erik, resounding with anger, while the mentor took a deep breath, admitting, that he might have said too much.
"Too bad," he whispered so, that his companion couldn't hear.
After a few steps, Park stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes wide with surprise, and his mouth opens in a silent question. A little further from the shore, next to a snag lay a small blue blanket, and on it… toy – a small tiger cub. Jungsuk rushed to the side of the find and hastily picked up the toy, immediately beginning to twist it in his hands.
"This is Jeonhyun's tiger cub," the young man said in a strangled voice. His voice suddenly broke, it became difficult to breathe, and his chest felt like an iron vise, as he remembered the younger brother of Jonghyong. How could he forget about him? After all, Jeonhyun had been dead for a long time, and there was a chance, that Jungsuk might see him now when he was on the other side.
The toy was slightly muddy and wet from the coastal waves, a little battered and faded from time, but still the same, as Park remembered it. He gave it to Jeonhyun when the boy was fourteen.
Junior was so pleased with the gift, that he practically did not let it out of his hands. The tiger cub always accompanied him. Even as Jeonhyun grew older, he continued to keep the toy, although he did not admit his affection and love for it, constantly hiding it, whenever one of the adults noticed, how tremulously he held it in his hands. Jonghyong often teased his younger brother, but Jungsuk only smiled happily. He was happy, when he saw, how the boy's eyes light up whenever he looked at the stuffed tiger cub. Even after the quarrel with his brother, after the conversation with Jungsuk, the tiger cub did not leave the heart of Jeonhyun. When junior was involved in an accident, a small plush toy was found in the back seat of his car, carefully hidden among the pillows. Jungsuk then roared most of the night, blaming himself, that for not being able to break through junior's barrier. After all, he was the one, who had last seen him, before Jeonhyun was involved in the accident. This incident has severely affected Jonghyong much worse, than after the death of his parents, and Jungsuk had to go through a difficult path, to get his husband out of the state, that Kim had sunk into.
Erik smiled with a kind of sadness in his eyes, as he walked over and touched the tiger cub's wet ear. Jungsuk found this strange. He hadn't noticed Erik's such reaction until now. It was as if the sight of this seemingly simple toy made him feel pain.
"He's here, right?" Jungsuk looked at Erik's face, which was momentarily illuminated by an incomprehensible emotion. Something like a mixture of understanding and mild surprise. He looked into Jungsuk's eyes, and only now, for the first time, since coming here, did Jungsuk feel… something strangely familiar in that look. Erik had never looked at him like that when he was alive. With pain, regret, guilt. The look reminded Jungsuk of the young boy, which he had left in the courtyard of his and Jonghyong's house before they found him dead. Reminded him of Jeonhyun. But it was so funny, that Park dismissed the idea as if it were an annoying fly. His imagination is just playing with it. He was so focused on the image of junior, his emotional self reaching out to meet the ghostly hope, that Park just saw, what he wanted to see.
"Jeonhyun… is he here, Erik?"
Erik shook his head, as if to banish an obsession, and walked forward, leaving the startled Jungsuk standing, where he was, still holding the toy tightly in his hands.
"I want to see him, Erik! It's possible now, right? Where is he?"
Erik turned toward Jungsuk and answered quietly, "There is enough space for everyone, to recreate their own world."
Erik looked into Jungsuk's eyes and pursed his lips, shaking his head, as if he wanted to say something, that was not allowed to be said. But after a moment the man looked up, and his gaze was far more penetrating than it had been since Jungsuk had been there.
"But you can't see Jeonhyun that's not why. Right?" Erik arched an eyebrow and turned his back on Jungsuk again, heading toward the house.
"What does that mean?!" Jungsuk shouted, quickly catching up with Erik. He grabbed the man by the sleeve and spun him around.
"I want to see Jeonhyun, Erik! I must see him!" Jungsuk didn't stop feeling guilty, even after Jonghyong was able to come to terms with the loss of his brother. He had never told junior, how much this weight weighed on him. Jonghyong had enough problems of his own, and Jungsuk did not want, that his husband to take on him as well. But the realization, that Jungsuk would be able to see junior again, talk to him, try to explain, what he couldn't do in life, ask for forgiveness, hit him so hard and unexpectedly, that Park was afraid. Indeed, was afraid of this possible meeting. And this conflicting feeling of desire and fear kept him from concentrating. His lips said the same thing over and over, but inside he was trembling with fear at the thought of, seeing his husband's brother again. To hear his voice, to look into his eyes. Change, what he hadn't been able to change in their last conversation. Jungsuk still remembered the pain and hatred, with which Jeonhyun had looked at him when he learned of his brother's marriage with Hyong. He remembered the harsh words, that junior shouted whenever Jungsuk tried to talk to him, he remembered, how he and Jonghyong had a tussle when Jonghyong couldn't stand being insulted to the side by his husband, and he remembered the guilt and shame, that flickered in Jeonhyun's eyes when Jungsuk saw and talked to him last time. But even this did not allow junior to reconcile with Hyong. The look in his eyes said, that he was sorry, but outwardly junior was adamant.
"I curse the day when my brother met you. I curse the day when you first entered our house. I curse the day when I trusted you. Hate you! Hate you both!"
These were the last words, that Jungsuk heard before he left and left Jeonhyun alone on the bench, where they were talking. A few hours later they were informed, that Jeonhyun crashed in the car and died on the spot. The medics didn't have time, to do anything. When help arrived at the scene of the accident, the junior was already dead. If only Jungsuk hadn't left him then. If hadn't let him leave in this state. If he could have shown more perseverance and understanding, Jeonhyun would still be alive. Jungsuk shouldn't have left him alone. Shouldn't have left him. But he did this, deciding, that in this case, it was best to let junior cool off and digest the entire conversation. But in doing so, he only made things worse. Jeonhyun was dead, and Park blamed himself for his death. Kimkook had never even considered, that Jungsuk might have been responsible for his brother's death. Just the opposite. But Park was not reassured. He was firmly convinced, that junior's death was on his conscience.
"If want to, so, will see," Erik said calmly, pulling Park out of his painful memory again.
Jungsuk looked at his senior in surprise, once again not quite understanding his cryptic speech. Erik suddenly smiled so naturally and widely, that somewhere in the junior chest there was a strange feeling. Park believed Erik's words, whatever it meant, and it calmed his racing soul a little. He can see Jeonhyun when he's ready. All in good time.
***
Despite the relatively warm water temperature, the white tile walls were freezing cold, which made Jonghyong grimace and turn the red faucet valve, sinking into the tub up to his chin. The young man closed his eyes and tried to ignore the muffled sound of the mobile phone, ringing for the third time. Kim didn't need to look at the screen, that to find out, who was trying so hard to reach him. Jungsuk's brother had been inundating him with messages and calls for several days after his regular doctor's visit. But junior stubbornly ignored the relative. Hyong couldn't help him no matter, how hard he tried. Therapy, medication, even creativity – nothing could bring Jonghyong out of the state, which is what he had fallen into after the death of his husband. Jonghyong had nightmares. He hardly slept. There were black circles under the lids, and the eyeballs were ready to sink into their sockets, like in some creepy horror movie. Stubble covered his chin. His cheekbones were drawn. His lips faded and cracked. His skin was gray, almost deathly pale. His hair fell in long, dull strands over his forehead and neck. Jonghyong looked terrible, to say the least. And felt the same way. The young man could not cope with his thoughts and feelings. Couldn't control himself. Every day he woke up and realized, that he was alone in the apartment. That Jungsuk would never enter their bedroom again, never touch him. Kim will never hear his melodious voice again or feel others' fingers on his body. And it was slowly, but surely killing him every damn day. Kim lost track of time. He had no idea, what date, month, year, or even day of the week it was. He couldn't remember when the last time he'd eaten or slept properly. As soon as he closed his eyes, he saw his husband's face. His dark-blue hair, perfect eyebrows, slitter eyes, neat nose, plump cheeks, full lips, that were touched by the most beautiful smile in the world, when he looked at Jonghyong. This image did not give junior rest. Kim couldn't take it anymore. And meeting his husband's brother would only make things worse. So Jonghyong stubbornly ignored his Hyong, covering his ears and frantically shaking his head so, that the water splashed over the edge of the tub. Jonghyong didn't want to see or hear anything. He just wanted, that the pain to go away. Ceased. Leave him. The young man's heart was bleeding, pounding wildly in his chest, trying to break his ribs and escape. Hundreds of blades dug into the muscle, spinning in place, not allowing to relax or calm down for a second. There was a hum in ears as if someone had deliberately turned on high-frequency waves, that were pressing down the brain, threatening to tear it apart. The whole body ached and hurts from fatigue and lack of sleep. The water only softened the situation a little.
Jonghyong took his hands off his head, when he realized, that he couldn't hear the annoying trill of his cell phone. He closed his eyes again, tears welling up at the corners. He never considered himself strong. He had said this to Jungsuk a thousand times, even though senior had persisted in contradicting junior. Kim was never a fighter. His life was a mess of shit and dirt, that no matter, how hard tried, couldn't just wash off, no matter, how much rubbed yourself in the shower. The confidence of the young man was always maintained by Jungsuk. He was a ray of light in junior's life. His support and reliance. He was always there. Never left. But now Jonghyong was alone. He blamed himself for everything, that had happened to him. He deserved it. A man as dirty and depraved, as he, is is not worthy of happiness. First, his parents left him, then his brother left, and now his husband left him. Jonghyong had nothing left. Not a single incentive to stay afloat. And it was all his fault.
The shaving blade glinted in his hand, and he even chuckled. Jungsuk loved all his husband's flaws: the unhealthy pallor of his skin, the disheveled hair, and the slight stubble, that appeared through almost twenty-four hours after junior had cleared his skin of excess hair. To be honest, it was mostly because of Jungsuk, that Jonghyong did this. The sensitivity of his skin had not changed with age, and when Kim kissed him, Park's entire face turned a slightly reddish hue from irritation. That was why he forced himself to perform a far from pleasant manipulation almost every day. But there was no need for that now. Still, the dangerous razor was in junior's hands. He had to do it. Otherwise, he will simply go mad with loneliness.
The water turned red in a matter of moments. The color spread so beautifully over the surface, that attracted the eye. Jonghyong dipped his hands into the water, to avoid the throbbing in his veins. The young man leaned his head against the side of the tub, feeling a sudden weight on the back of his neck. The cold, that had enveloped him some time ago, was gone, replaced by a warmth, that spread throughout his body, bringing a long-forgotten sense of peace and euphoria. His tongue was so numb, that he couldn't move it. A shroud appeared before eyes. Everything gradually faded, as if the credits had been released after the final episode. He sank slowly into the tub until he was almost completely submerged. He no longer felt pain. Only a slight burning sensation in the hands. A soft blanket of oblivion covered him, and for the first time in a long time, he wanted to wrap himself in it and go to sleep. Go to sleep and never wake up again.
***
Jungsuk opened his eyes and sat up on the small sofa, where he had apparently fallen asleep some time ago. He rubbed his eyes and looked around. Everything was, as it had been when he had fallen asleep – calm and quiet. The storm had stopped, but the animal world did not want to show itself as if sensing, that its Creator had just recently been in a bad mood. Jungsuk stood up heavily, stretching his back. He never thought, that here he would suffer from pain in the lower back after an unsuccessful pose during sleep. Jungsuk walked around the room, thoughtlessly running his hand over the small items, that stood here and there on the shelves and cabinets. His head was full of conflicting thoughts. And Jungsuk had no one to share them with. Erik left him a couple of hours ago.
"I must leave you for a while. Can you handle yourself? I'll be back as soon, as I can."
"Is something wrong?" Jungsuk saw the faint concern in his mentor's eyes. It was as if Erik wasn't telling him something. He was nervous, which surprised Jungsuk. Erik had been acting strangely for the past few hours. And Park couldn't figure out why. His eyes radiated such pain again, but now with a mixture of frustration and guilt, that Jungsuk couldn't believe, that it was the same person, whose he had known, when was alive. Maybe, this place changes people.
"You're not the only one, who needs help in the first stages of getting here," Erik said simply. Jungsuk could only nod in response. He was not prepared to deal with the Universal laws and other worlds, that took place here. He wasn't used to his situation yet, so he wouldn't worry, about what Erik couldn't share with him.
Still, the senior's sudden departure made Jungsuk feel lonely and empty. He was completely alone in his recreated world. He had no one to talk to. He had no chance to see those, who had been here longer than he had. Jungsuk wanted to meet with Jeonhyun, but realized, that he was not ready for this yet. He didn't know, what he would say to his junior when he saw him. Didn't want to disappoint him again.
Jungsuk left the house, fearing, that the walls of the previously seemingly safe abode would crush him with their silence. The young man raised his head, looking up at the sky. Dusk fell, and the sky was dotted with bright stars, the light from which was reflected directly on the surface of the earth. The water in the river was calm. The branches of the trees swayed slightly in the warm breeze. Jungsuk closed his eyes and took a deep breath of the night's slightly humid air. He wished could be near Jonghyong right now. Junior liked to go out in the evenings, when everyone else had already disappeared behind the doors of their homes, and sit on a bench or swing, swinging his legs like a child. The silence, that softly enveloped the surrounding area, brought peace to Jonghyong, and the twilight of the foreshadowing night, according to him, hid him from the outside world. Only the starlight illuminated junior's beautiful face. Jungsuk could look at his husband for hours, sitting next to him and holding his hand. It was one of the happiest moments of his life.
"Jungsuk."
Park was startled and opened his eyes when he saw Erik just to his left. He didn't look well. His whole posture spoke of tension and grief, his eyes were dim, his face was drawn, and his hands hung like whips at his sides.
"Damn it, Erik, you scared me!" Jungsuk placed a hand over his heart, smiling slightly, but noticed, that Erik didn't appreciate the gesture.
"Is something wrong?" there was a stir of unease inside Jungsuk. He hadn't been able to shake it off, since Erik had left, but now it seemed to take on a peculiar shape, threatening to spill out.
Jungsuk shivered in the sudden cold and hugged himself, as he moved closer to the man. Park put a hand on his shoulder, but again Erik didn't react. He looked up at junior, and Jungsuk gasped. The mentor's eyes seemed empty and lifeless, except for a small glimmer in the corners. What's it? Tears?
But Erik came to his senses as soon, as he met his companion's searching gaze. He blinked several times and took a couple of steps away, which made Jungsuk involuntarily remove his hand from the other's shoulder.
"You will face a difficult test, Jungsuk," Erik's voice was so broken, that it made Jungsuk uneasy.
"What do you mean?" Park couldn't figure out, which riddle his mentor prepare for him this time. Didn't he overcome enough? What could be worse, than your own death and the loss of a loved one?
"But I promise you," Erik went on, as if he hadn't heard Jungsuk, "you won't be alone," and the man sat down on a bench next to the house, and Jungsuk automatically followed suit. Erik looked at junior so intently and ruefully, that Park's chest tightened.
"Jungsuk…" Erik paused as if hesitating to say the most important thing.
"Damn it, Erik, just tell me, what happened. What have I gotten myself into again?"
Senior closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then opened his eyes, and the next words knocked the ground out from under Jungsuk, "Jonghyong. He is dead."