Fear of an act that is low and unworthy is courage
(Benjamin Johnson)
Jonghyong opened his eyes and looked around slightly, noticing the dimness in the strange room. He blinked a few times, trying to shake off the drowsiness, and groped for his phone on the bedside. It's almost eleven in the morning. Did he sleep so long? It should have been light outside by now, but the heavy curtains were drawn tight, and the room was dark. Jonghyong mentally thanked his senior for this. One of the most annoying things in the morning is the bright sunlight, that hits in the face when you are forced to wake up.
Jonghyong grimaced, as he sat up and leaned on the pillow. Every muscle in his body ached, and his ass ached, but still, it was nothing compared to, what he felt when he woke up after having sex with his ex. Yumin-Hyong took care of his junior. Senior did everything possible, to make maknae feel comfortable. Jonghyong immediately turned around and did not find a senior nearby. Running his hand over the next place on the bed, Kim realized, that Hyong had woken up very early since the sheets were already cold from the heat of the other's body. To be honest, Jonghyong had mixed feelings. On the one hand, he was a little disappointed, that he had woken up alone. Senior left him, after what happened between them. But on the other hand, the junior was grateful for Hyong's discretion. Kim might have been a little shocked if he had opened his eyes and found himself in the same bed with Hyong. Glancing at the nightstand again, Kim found a glass of juice and a couple of pills. Most likely, painkillers. He smiled out of the corner of his mouth and took the medicine, wincing slightly, as he washed it down.
Slowly rising from the bed, Kim looked around again and put on a light terry-cloth robe, apparently carefully left by senior. Hyong's room now appeared in all its glory. Yesterday there was little time, to consider the personal space of senior. Jonghyong immediately noticed that Yumin-Hyong's room was very… usual. A bed, two bedside tables, a wardrobe, a small chest of drawers, and a plasma TV, mounted on the wall directly opposite the bed. There was nothing else in the room. Strictly and at a minimum. One hundred percent reflection of the owner. Jonghyong walked around the room again and decided to go out, to find senior. He madly wanted to take a shower. His body was clean of last night's footprints. Apparently, Yumin-Hyong took care of this as well, since Jonghyong was simply not able to do anything with his body. But, despite this, there was a huge desire to wash away the remnants of sex. Jonghyong was always susceptible to odors and could spend hours in the bathroom, cleaning himself and his body. But it didn't seem like a good idea, to find a bathroom on his own, at least, not without Hyong's help and permission. Besides, he can not enjoy the hospitality of the senior longer and more, than the prescribed.
As soon as he was out of the door, Kim's sensitive hearing was touched by the muted music, that seemed to come from the next room. Maknae moved toward the sound and stood in the doorway, leaning against the jamb. At a table near the wall, a little further back in the room sat Yumin-Hyong. Senior did not notice, that Jonghyong was approaching the room. He was wearing a pair of monitor headphones, and he stared intently at the laptop screen, as his long fingers slid over the MIDI keyboard. Jonghyong couldn't help but stare at the man. His back was hunched over the surface of the table, his head shakes from time to time in an involuntary rhythm, his lips moved slightly, and his eyes never left the monitor. Yumin was wearing the same clothes, that he had worn, when he opened the door to the younger guy the night before, his feet were still bare, folded together inside part to each other in a funny way, and his hair was slightly disheveled, which gave senior an insanely cute. It was hard to imagine, that such a person is actually a violent dominant and sadist, who prefers the theme to ordinary sex. But even here, Jonghyong made a mistake in his calculations. Yumin-Hyong didn't hurt him last night, although he did warn him, that his interests regarding sex life are no different from, what he does at the club.
Kim was so hung up, looking at his senior and thinking in his head, that he didn't notice, that Hyong had taken off his headphones and was already turning in his chair towards junior.
"John?"
Jonghyong shuddered and hugged himself by his hands. His eyes immediately left their object of observation and darted around the room, as if he had just been caught doing something indecent. Not only did Hyong catch him, while the younger guy was surreptitiously examining Yumin, but the nickname Kim had used for himself in the club, was unpleasant to hear. The guy immediately felt a twinge of conscience. Yumin-Hyong trusted him enough, that tells him his real name, which he might not have done. Here's Jonghyong… he was still "John".
"I'm sorry, Hyong. I…" Jonghyong hesitated and cringed, as Hyong got up from his chair, heading in his direction. A moment ago he had been shamelessly examining his Hyong, but as soon as the latter turned his attention to him, Jonghyong's hamstrings began to shake. All the details of the previous night came back to mind, and a telltale flush of shame and embarrassment flushed his cheeks. Hyong came closer, but not close enough, leaving junior a private space. His hands slid into the pockets of his trousers, and he cocked his head to one side, narrowing his eyes a little.
"Is everything all right? I didn't want to scare you, by leaving you alone in the room. I just thought that it would make it easier for you, to settle in after you wake up," Yumin's voice was slightly hoarse, as if he had just woken up, and slightly hissing. It's always liked, junior. It was the voice, that he was willing to obey.
"No. It's all right. I didn't want to get in your way. I just thought I should warn you before leaving," Jonghyong forced himself to look into Hyong's eyes. A look of surprise crossed the other's face.
"Leave?" Yumin tilted his head to the other side as if assessing junior's words. It was as if he'd just said something stupid.
"Well … yes. I can't be here…" the words caught in throat. Jonghyong didn't know, how to put it. It was all very awkward. And it made him even more awkward to talk to the man. Jonghyong was grateful to Yumin-Hyong for all, that he had done for him, but now junior was ready to sink into the ground from the attentive and studying fox eyes of his senior. Kim knew, that it would be like this. Knew, that he would be embarrassed and blushing, like a fucking virgin, the next morning. He knew, that he would instinctively want to run away at the first opportunity, as he always did. He didn't hold out hope. A single sexual act with his Hyong was not able to cure him of all the fears and phobias, that had been gnawing at his brain for several years. But that didn't mean, that he wasn't trying. So, he took a deep breath, but before he could open his mouth, as senior suddenly quickly appeared next to him, almost close so, that the saving air suddenly blocked his breath.
"Calm down," Yumin said, touching junior's shoulder gently and feeling him shiver in spite of the rather thick and warm robe. "John, it's okay. I won't hurt you. Just relax."
Jonghyong looked into Hyong's eyes and did not see the usual coldness. The brown color was soft, and the man's voice was soothing. The shudder, that had suddenly gripped his body, gradually subsided, and Kim's breathing steadied.
"You can stay, until you feel ready to go home. We're not a couple of fagots, who decide to get laid, and then one of them has to leave the other's room. What happened last night is very serious, John. Don't you want to discuss it?" senior's hand tightened slightly on the other's shoulder, guiding him deeper into the room. Jonghyong sat down on a small sofa and shook his head. He didn't want to discuss it.
"Okay, then just listen," Yumin sat down, not touching the body of maknae. "To be honest, you threw me off balance with your request. I think it was clear yesterday," Yumin picked up a pack of cigarettes and a lighter from the table, then lit it, blowing a ring of smoke to the side. "But what you did was, quite frankly, the bravest thing, that you've done since I've known you. Even though I still don't think, that I'm the right choice. But you did a great job."
Kim raised his head, until recently staring at the floor and nervously fidgeting with the hem of his robe, and met Hyong's eyes, full of pride and respect. A small part of him own pride settled inside. Jonghyong managed. And Hyong was happy with him.
"I also understand, why you did it."
Jonghyong immediately tensed, his hands gripping the upholstery of the sofa. Was it so obvious? Although, what did he expect? Hyong knew him well, and he would never have believed, that the younger guy had suddenly developed an unexpected lust for him.
"Hyong, I'm sorry… I didn't want you… Forgive me… You just… I…" Jonghyong chattered incessantly, turning abruptly and suddenly grabbing senior's arm. He felt like a brute. Kim knew, what it meant to be used. He had experienced it firsthand. And this attitude left a huge imprint on his now wounded and dirty soul. And now he realized, that this was what he had done to Hyong… use him. Used him for his own purposes, to get rid of his problems and switch to another guy.
"Hey, calm down," Yumin stubbed out his cigarette and, took maknae's hands in his, looking into his eyes. "It's all right. I appreciate your trust, John. And I understand, what it meant for you, to step over yourself to come here. That's why I tried to stop you. But I don't regret anything," Yumin looked at junior quite calmly, without a trace of resentment or anger.
The man's words surprised Jonghyong. He hadn't expected this reaction. Of course, their relationship was hardly normal within the framework of generally accepted norms. Both, Jonghyong and Yumin, knew exactly, what they wanted and expected from each other. Still junior was afraid to see a more stormy reaction. After all, every man has pride and will never stoop to such baseness – to be used, that later to be replaced by another.
"Are you… not disappointed in me? At all?" Jonghyong lowered his head a little, still puzzled, and Yumin just smiled out of the corner of his mouth, narrowing his eyes a little.
"No. And you shouldn't be disappointed in yourself. You were braver than ever before. You did better than ever before. If you can take advantage of this experience, try to consolidate your position, get over at least some of your fears, you will understand, how to move on. No one will tell you, what to do. You yourself will have to make these difficult decisions more than once. Our sex can't make you forget everything, that happened to you in the past. Can't make you let go of your fears. You will be afraid. You'll doubt. You'll make mistakes. But this is the beginning, that will help you understand yourself. It will help you get off the dead point. If that's actually what you want. If there is someone, who has made you at least think about it," the last sentence sounded like a firm conviction, and junior felt guilty again. Yumin, as if reading his thoughts, shook his head, still clutching the younger guy's hands, "It's not your fault. After all, I'm not a little boy. I could have stopped you if I didn't really want to do this."
There was silence. Yumin lit another cigarette and asked, "Did you drink the painkiller, that I left you?"
"Yes, Hyong, thank you. Although I wouldn't say, that feel that bad," Jonghyong blushed again, imagining, that Hyong knew exactly, what his donsen would need painkillers for in the morning.
"You must eat," Yumin's voice was a little rougher than it had been a while ago.
"I'm not hungry, Hyong. But I'd like some coffee," Kim bit his tongue, remembering, that he wasn't actually at home.
"Taking caffeine on an empty stomach is not a good idea. The fact, that you take the pill, already is enough. Your stomach is empty right now."
"Hyong, I don't usually eat in the morning. My body does not perceive anything but coffee. If it's later…" he was surprised at himself. He could eat in incredible quantities. With that, he is not suffering from problems with body proportions, but in the morning… It was pretty hard, to stuff anything other than coffee in.
"John…" Yumin frowned warning, but junior suddenly grew bolder and became as obstinate, as a child.
"Hyong, aren't you in enough trouble? You want, that me to throw up right in your…" he looked around, not sure, what to call the room, in which they were in. It looked like a living room, but apart from the sofa, there was nothing else to indicate it. This room was more like the senior's workplace.
"… studio."
"This isn't a studio. I just work at home sometimes," Yumin said, rolling his eyes at the younger guy's childishness.
"What do you do?" Jonghyong asked, when the man returned with two cups, passing one of them to him. "I heard the sound of music when went out the door. It wasn't loud, but I understand, that you were playing or something," Jonghyong noticed the piano, while senior was getting coffee. It stood alone against the opposite wall.
"I decided to work, while you were asleep. I didn't want to wake you up so early. I'm a producer. Sometimes I record my own tracks. You probably heard something, when I turned off my headphones."
"Do you play?" Kim pointed to the piano, and Yumin nodded.
"Sometimes."
Jonghyong hesitated, but decided to ask, "Will you play for me?"
Yumin raised an eyebrow at junior. The maknae finished his cup of coffee, took a cigarette from the man's pack, received a disapproving look, lit it, and simply shrugged.
"I like to draw. But I used to be quite actively interested in music. Even taught himself to play," Jonghyong pointed his cigarette at the piano. "How many times have I been slapped on the fingers for wrong trying."
Yumin chuckled slightly, as he drained the last of his drink. He put the cup on the table and looked at the piano. To be honest, it's been a while, since he sat down for it. All the main time was occupied by work. But now, after junior's request, he wanted to do it again so badly, that his hands itched.
"Alright," senior got up and went to the piano, running his hand over the keys. "I will play for you."
Jonghyong listened intently to senior's playing, suddenly finding himself on the floor at his feet, leaning against the cool surface of the instrument with his back. Junior closed his eyes, stretched out his legs, and just listened, listened, listened, while Hyong's confident, agile and skilled fingers plucked at the keys of the instrument. Music calmed, relieved from all worries, helped to forget and feel free at least for a while.
They did not speak again. Hyong said all, that was necessary, to make junior feel confident, to let him know, that he was proud of him. Jonghyong tried to accept it deep inside himself. Accept and understand, how to move forward. Could he trust Jungsuk-Hyong as much, as he trusted his Master? Would he be able to overcome his fear enough, not to run away at the last moment, as he had almost done last night? Will Jungsuk be as attentive and understanding, as his senior, who is now playing for Kim. Will Park be able to understand his junior enough, to help him overcome his inner demons? Jonghyong had no answers to any of these questions. But he could try. Like tried last night with Yumin-Hyong. Jonghyong knew, that it would be difficult. It can be a long and difficult road. But, damn it, he just wouldn't forgive himself, if he didn't step on it.
Kim opened his eyes when he felt Hyong's hand gently stroke his hair. The music had long since ceased, while junior was lost in his own thoughts. For some reason, the touch of the other's hand did not seem unpleasant. It was soothing. Gave protection and confidence. Nothing to do with love or overt flirting. It was much deeper and stronger. Much more important to a man, like Jonghyong. And he was grateful to Hyong for his patronage and protection.
Yumin idly slid his fingers through maknae's hair, puffing on another cigarette. He was, indeed, proud and very much impressed by the action of his donsen. After all, in all this time junior had never even thought of coming to something like this. And conversations about it were reduced either to silly jokes or to cold silence. And Yumin was pleased, that there was someone in John's life, who could push him to make that choice. There was no other explanation. Otherwise, maknae would not have taken this step. He was broken and exhausted. He didn't let anyone near him. He showed no sign of weakness. Always kept everything inside himself, thus torturing himself morally in addition to physical torture. Only in the Master's room could John show his weaknesses, let out all the pain, that was building up inside him. Could have been freed. The weight of this double life weighed heavily on donsen. Yumin saw this and could do nothing to help him. In real life, Blake and John had nothing in common. And, perhaps, if junior has someone, who can understand and support him both internally and externally, John will have a chance to come to terms with himself, to find that mental balance, that he so lacks.
Yumin smiled a little, as he felt John move closer to him, putting his head under others' fingers. Previously such a gesture would have been rejected without delay. Yumin continued to play with maknae's hair. He wasn't lying, when he told him, that he didn't regret anything. Despite junior's clumsiness and deviation from his usual standards, the sex was much more enjoyable, than Yumin could have expected. Even though he knew, that it was the first and last time he had sex with John. Junior would never ask Yumin to do this again.
***
Jungsuk-Hyong's birthday was approaching, and every time, when he thought about it, his knees were shaking. Junior decided to speak openly with Hyong, tell him about his feelings and fears, and trust in the senior's decision. He replayed the variations of the conversation with Hyong multiple times in his head, constantly adding new words and discarding unnecessary ones. It was as if he was preparing for the most important exam of his life. It made him shudder to imagine the senior's reaction. Hands were clammy with perspiration, and droplets ran down the back of the neck. He was afraid. Yumin-Hyong was right. Jonghyong was terrified of this conversation. His confession. Jungsuk's response. But he had to try, or he just couldn't move on. The worst, that can happen, is that Jungsuk-Hyong will just push him away, and Kim will be able to learn a lesson from it. But conflicting thoughts did not give rest, and junior was nervous, began to sleep poorly, constantly thinking about it. The Head was ready to explode. Jonghyong wanted to scream because of the pressure on his temples. And whenever he met Jungsuk at the University, even for a glimpse, something inside him would explode and not let go, until senior turned the corner. Jungsuk studiously avoided him, and Jonghyong was kind of grateful for that. If senior had been constantly around and not giving way, as before, Kim would not have been able to make a decision. His desire was desperate and deliberate, but his inner fear did not allow him to simply approach Hyong and start a conversation. Jonghyong was constantly delaying this moment in the hope of a better time. Just couldn't decide, when it would come.
Chaebom tried not to touch his friend for no reason and not to ask too many questions. He saw, that something happening. Jonghyong struggled with himself. The guy was always reserved and a little detached. But now it was more acute than Chaebom could remember. Kim was constantly silent, his eyes were fixed on one point, his lip was forcefully bitten, his body seemed not to listen to the owner, constantly bumping into surrounding objects. Jonghyong didn't look well: dark circles under his eyes betrayed lack of sleep, bitten nails indicated, that the guy was wildly nervous, Kim's skin was even paler, than before, and could only be compared to the grimace of a corpse.
"Jonghyong, you don't look well," Chaebom said carefully, putting his hand on his friend's shoulder, as they sat in the courtyard of the University a few days before Jungsuk's birthday.
"Thank you, Chaebom, I love you too," Jonghyong chuckled and squinted against the blinding sun. He already knew, that he looked, to put it mildly, disgusting. He was surprised, that the ever-chatty and annoying friend could restrain himself so long and not ask anything. Somewhere deep inside Kim felt respect for Chaebom, but he didn't say anything out loud.
"I'm serious, Jonghyong-e," Chaebom squeezed his friend's shoulder harder, prompting him to pay attention since the guy was still staring at something in front of him. "What's going on with you? Am I missing something again?"
Jonghyong rubbed a hand across his face.
"I want to talk to Jungsuk-Hyong. Seriously. After I'd dumped all that shit on him, I couldn't really explain. And desires to do that too, to be honest. I really want to talk to him."
"So, what's stopping you?" Chaebom raised his left eyebrow, turning slightly closer to Kim.
"Are you serious now, hah?!" Jonghyong turned abruptly and stared earnestly into his friend's eyes. "What's stopping me? Do I remind you, what's stopping me?!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that," Chaebom said, holding up his hands in a conciliatory gesture. "Well, if that's, what you really want, you should try it. I can see, how it torments you, Jonghyong. And I don't like it. I've never seen you so dead. If this damn conversation is going to solve your problems in any way, then you should at least try, otherwise… I don't know…" he took a deep breath, trying to sort out his thoughts. His friend's behavior and appearance bothered him greatly. He didn't want this to continue. Jungsuk-Hyong avoided Kim's company. Even a blind man could see that. And Jonghyong tormented himself by insulting him without explaining anything. If this continues, these two will go mad. Or definitely will make to mad Chaebom.
"Can I help you? Maybe, you really want to come with us?" Chaebom looked at his friend questioningly, reminding him, that he and Muyong-Hyong were going to congratulate Jungsuk after all.
Jonghyong thought about it. He wanted to talk to Jungsuk. Really want. Wanted to reveal to him a part of himself, that had hidden very carefully and deeply from all, but the most special people. Until recently Blake-Hyong was such a special person. Now this number could add Chaebom. Jonghyong really wanted, that Jungsuk to be a part of it. But talking to senior in a relaxed environment, in the middle of a crowd, surrounded by distractions… was not the best idea. Jonghyong lost his thoughts on the fly, as he delivered his prepared monologue to senior over and over again in solitude. He was afraid to imagine, what would happen, if they found themselves among strangers, staring at them, drunk students. And besides, junior didn't want to spoil Hyong's holiday with his problems.
"Think, that I'll hold off on your offer, Chaebom. But I am grateful for your support, really," he covered Chaebom's hand with his own and forced a smile. "I need to think about it. I'm going home. Cover me, okay?"
The guys had one more pair left for the day, but Jonghyong felt, that he would simply not be able to concentrate, if he sat in a stuffy auditorium, in a circle of students, listening to the measured and unpleasant voice of his anatomy Professor. Later he might get in trouble for skipping another lecture, but he didn't want to think about it now. The only thing, that bothered him, was, how to come to terms with his own "I" and finally decide on, what he had planned for some time ago. His condition was completely dependent on this decision, and he would not be able to calm down and return to a normal and measured life until he resolved this issue.
***
Jungsuk looked bored at the crowd of strangers in the club, where Muyong and Chaebom had dragged him. He was in a bad mood and wasn't going anywhere at all today, but, before he knew something, his friends caught him, until he left the University, and both talked incessantly, accusing him of making the worst possible decision. Don't celebrate birthday this year. To be honest, Jungsuk loved this day. His parents could not visit him because of work, but they always congratulated him via video link. The father smiled warmly from the screen, and the mother quietly wiped away lonely tears, lamenting, that her youngest son had grown up so quickly. Muyong became abnormally active, planning his birthday party worse, than any of the spontaneous parties, that he liked to throw. In secret Jungsuk was grateful to his friend for this. His attitude carried over to Park. But he will never admit this to his childhood friend. Jungsuk had a funny smile on his lips, when he imagined, how proud Muyong would be, how important and puffed-up he would be, puffing out his chest, teased Park. Therefore, Jungsuk remained silent, only rolling his eyes at the next excitement of his friend. But this year there is no mood from the word "at all". Jungsuk didn't want anything. Just to be at home and fall on the first nearest horizontal surface. Normally during the school year, he was as good, as he could be, but now he felt the same fatigue and lethargy, that came over him after each half-year, when he left to his parent's house, to be alone and recuperate. Therefore to all the happy congratulations, Jungsuk responded with gratitude, but calmly, without due enthusiasm, did not invite anyone, and did not agree with anyone about anything. If it weren't for his annoying friends, Park would be sitting in bed with a nice cup of coffee, wrapped in a blanket, and watching some stupid movie.
"Jungsuk-e, you're weird today," Muyong shouted in the guy's ear, dancing on the spot so, that, say it right now, and he will lash out on the dance floor.
"It's all right, Muyong-e, really. I'm just tired, I guess."
Muyong looked at his friend skeptically. Jungsuk forced a smile, one of the most charming, but could not change his friend's mind.
'Not believe'
Of course, Muyong didn't believe it. He watched Jungsuk for quite some time, since the day when they were in the house of Chaebom. Jungsuk became withdrawn, avoided communication, did not say anything to him. Muyong knew the reason for this behavior. And tried to control himself as best, as he could, so as not to break down and say a couple of affectionate words to the cocky maknae. Chaebom assured him, that Jonghyong had his reasons, but that didn't mean, that Muyong wasn't worried about his friend's condition. This junior had a strong influence on Jungsuk, and Jeon couldn't understand, why his friend was still so upset about it. Why can't he just get this fucking shit out of his head and move on? But Jungsuk became as if possessed. He did not let junior out of his sight, although he kept his distance from him, avoiding unwanted encounters. Always thinking about something. Was looking at the phone. Disappeared at home. And once the other day Muyong came across strange articles and sites on the tablet of a friend, while he carelessly went to the latrine. Muyong did not want to interfere in other people's business, really. But this concerned Jungsuk, his best friend, and he just couldn't resist, so he quickly peeked at the screen, first unblocking it. The articles contained information about psychological content: phobias, fears, fear of touching, childhood trauma, rape, sociopathy, anthropophobia, misanthropy, androphobia, genophobia. And if these articles did not arouse Muyong's strong interest, after all, they were studying medicine, and Jungsuk could easily learn the terminology regarding the psychological direction, but the sites, that his friend visited, were extremely interesting and even slightly frightening. All of them contained information on hardcore sex and BDSM practices, various sophisticated spheres, a variety of terms and descriptions. All this flashed before Muyong's eyes. He couldn't say, that the information shocked him. Muyong had always followed one rule – don't judge others for things, that you don't understand. But Jeon was very surprised to find such information materials from his friend. He had never noticed, that he had a penchant for something like this. So asked him about it, when Park came back. Jeon had never seen such a reaction from his friend before. Jungsuk's cheeks were covered with a thick blush, after which he glared at his friend, snatching the tablet from his hands and swore something like, "What the fuck, Jeon Muyong, you're digging in my personal belongings?!". Of course, every person has and should have a personal space, but Jungsuk never had any secrets from Muyong. Now Jeon felt, that Park was hiding something from him.
"It's just case materials. I will prepare the paper. All these topics are closely intertwined with each other in certain situations. Therefore, I studied several sites and articles at once to determine, what to choose as the basis of my topic," Jungsuk replied irritably, while Muyong continued to drill him with an attentive and now mocking look.
"I never thought, that you'd be embarrassed, Jungsuk-a. I always thought that it was impossible. If you would have told me right away, I wouldn't have thought of teasing you. I wish had a camera handy, this moment needed to be captured. Your cheeks are hotter than sparklers!" Muyong joked while Park continued to rage, showering his friend with various epithets of an abusive nature, throwing lightning with his eyes, and curling his lips with anger and indignation. In fact, everything inside Jungsuk collapsed with fear, when he saw, that his friend holding the tablet in his hands. How could he be so careless? He was just trying to find out as much information, as possible, so that he could figure out, how to approach Jonghyong more gently if junior did decide to talk to him. Wanted to get to the bottom of the problem completely, to know, how and how it can help. He would never have revealed the secret of maknae. Even if he told it out of anger, to alienate senior, Jungsuk understands, that this was very, very personal information. And wanted to be worthy of keeping it. He wanted to show junior, that he could trust him.
But Muyong, no matter how tried to react with ease and humor, knew deep inside, that Jungsuk… had lied about his interest in these articles. His main focus was children's diseases, and such topics had nothing to do with it. But Jeon turned a blind eye and decided, that Park would tell him himself if he wanted to. To pull something out of him, when he is silent, like a stone statue, is simply unrealistic. It will be easier to talk to the column. Will get more information.
But Muyong was also not a stupid guy, and he understands, that Jungsuk was studying this for a reason. Perhaps, it had something to do with Jonghyong. Jeon knew from the first meeting, that this guy was a dark horse. Something was wrong with him. But Park didn't care. And that doesn't seem to have changed now. But it bothered Muyong. He didn't want, that his friend to get involved in something because of this maknae. Words Chaebom slightly softened position. The victim type of Jonghyong made want to feel sorry for him. Still, the unpleasant feeling inside didn't go away. That's why Muyong wanted to distract Jungsuk in some way. But apparently to no avail. Even going to a favorite club could not lift a friend's mood on his own birthday.
"Muyong-a, I'll probably go home," Jungsuk shouted in his friend's ear. He was exhausted. Loud music today, more than ever, oppressed and irritated the ear, it was stuffy and unpleasant, the bright flickering light was blinding. Jungsuk wanted to leave this place as quickly, as possible. One and only one thought still rang in his head – the most expected person had not congratulated him. For the whole day. Silence. Nothing. Jungsuk constantly checked the dialogue with Jonghyong, hoping, that junior would still write to him, and Park would be able to start a conversation. But Kim was silent. And Jungsuk stopped waiting, dejectedly resigned to defeat.
Muyong stared at him with wide eyes, and Chaebom, who had been smiling and pleased, suddenly frowned.
"What do you mean, home? Are you crazy?!"
"I have a headache, and if I stay here any longer, I'll go mad," Jungsuk said, rubbing his temples. "You, guys, can stay. It's alright. I'll get on my own. Don't want to spoil the evening and the two of you," Jungsuk gave a strained smile, glancing from Muyong on Chaebom. They both looked a little confused. On the one hand, guys did not want to leave the club, going to be together, despite the occasion of other's birthday. But on the other hand, they were uncomfortable leaving their friend.
"It's all right, really. Have fun for me too. Thank you very much," Park said a little louder in Muyong's ear and patted him on the shoulder, as left the table and headed for the exit.
In the car felt better, despite the confined space. The air conditioner was working, the green apple flavor was thinned out the pleasant smell, and the two cubes above the rear-view mirror were clattering together amusingly at the slightest movement. Jungsuk took a deep breath and turned on the turn signal, turning in the direction of his apartment. He didn't have high hopes. He knew, that because of what had happened, it would be very difficult for junior to even trust a stranger, let alone get close to. But after a short conversation in the hallway of the University, when maknae tried to apologize, Jungsuk there is hope. That's why he spent his free time studying additional information, any information, that might help him. But there was no reaction from junior.
Jungsuk parked and closed his eyes, folded his hands on the steering wheel, then lowered his head to them. Anyone else in his position would have given up on the idea and found someone more agreeable. But, as Park make sure many times before, he didn't want the usual intimacy. He wanted to help. If Jonghyong doesn't want anything more, Jungsuk will be happy to be just a good friend, a support and support, a person, who can know… and understand him. Such a load, which was carried by Jonghyong from day to day, is very heavy for one person. And Park was willing to share the burden with junior.
Jungsuk jumped in place from fear, when he heard, how someone banging on his window from the side of the street. Park loved his car very much and was quite violent about this sort of thing. As he once told Muyong, "I can share anything with you. I can even turn a blind eye to your stupid and immature jokes. Only one thing will remain unchanged – keep your hands off my car!"
If Jungsuk was so serious about his friend, it was terrifying to imagine, what he would do to a complete stranger, who dared touch his car. He rolled down the window, ready to strike back with a loud, angry tirade, but the words stuck in his throat, and his eyes seemed ready to pop out of his head in surprise.
"Hello, Hyong."
"Jonghyong?"
Jungsuk immediately opened the door, causing Kim to step aside slightly, to allow senior to exit.
"What are you doing here? How long have you been here?" Jungsuk lowered his head a little, to catch maknae's eye, but junior kept it hidden, as if afraid of something.
"No, not for a while," in fact, he had been walking around the house, where Jungsuk lived, for almost an hour, not intending to go inside or call to find out where senior was. The idea of talking to Hyong bothered him, but Jonghyong couldn't make up his mind. He did not even congratulate Hyong, because he was afraid, that would say something superfluous. Therefore, he remained stubbornly silent throughout the day, even did not go to the University, citing a headache and slight indisposition. For this reason, Kim again had a big fight with his parents. The father was not happy with his son's omissions. But Jonghyong didn't care. That's what he said to the parent, after which he received a ringing slap in the face and an impressive lecture from his mother. The younger brother tried to support his beloved Hyong. Jonghyong was really grateful for this, but he could no longer stay at home. He left around lunchtime, wandered the streets until the evening, did not respond to messages from Chaebom, whom he did not warn about his sudden disappearance. Ended up he turns out near Jungsuk's house. Jonghyong had never been to Hyong's house, but he knew, where the senior lived, so he decided to wait for him nearby and collect his thoughts at the same time. As soon as Jonghyong saw a familiar car, at first, he was even happy. But as soon as he met Hyong, all his courage was lost. The monologue, which, it seems, had been carefully monologued learned to the ground, was immediately forgotten by Kim. So now he carefully hid his eyes so, as not to betray his own embarrassment.
"Is something wrong? You look tired. How much sleep have you had lately?" Jungsuk tentatively touched maknae's cheek, and junior looked up at him with a faintly blurred expression. Park easily walked fingers on the lower eyelid of Jonghyong. Junior took a deep breath and shuddered, but didn't pull away.
"Hyong, I need to talk to you. It is important. I… don't know, how you'll feel about this. You might think, that I'm a complete nut or something. Although this is partly true. I've given you enough reasons to think that way. But I really need to tell you something important… I…"
"Hush. Hush. Calm down. Take a deep breath," Jungsuk broke off junior's slurred speech and put his hands on his shoulders, gently calming him. Jonghyong closed his eyes and tried to take a couple of deep breaths. The warmth of the senior's hands brought peace and security. Nothing to do with the fear, that Kim felt before.
"Let's sit down first," Jungsuk said, pointing to a nearby bench. Actually, he could have invited Jonghyong to the apartment, or at least to the car, but decided against it. Maknae was very rattled about something. He was visibly nervous. If Jungsuk closes him in a narrow space, without the possibility of retreat, the guy may be afraid and will not say anything.
Jonghyong sat down uncertainly on a bench, fidgeting with the sleeves of his leather jacket. Why the hell was he acting like a guilty boy? What's wrong with him? After all, there is nothing difficult about just talking. But everything inside was tight and twisted with fear, and a choking lump rose in the throat, making it impossible to say a word. The oratory has never been a strong point of maknae. He was used to keeping everything under total control, considered himself confident, and was able to stand up for himself. But when it came to serious conversations, Kim could easily be called a layman in this area.
"Now calm down and tell me, what happened. Are you all right? Maybe, you need my help?" Jungsuk tried to gently talk to Jonghyong. Maknae's nervousness was transmitted to him, so Park, without noticing it, began to twitch his leg in an attempt to concentrate. Jonghyong bit his lip and closed his eyes.
"I wanted to apologize to you. To apologize for, what I said to you on that day, well… you know."
Jungsuk nodded. He considered it advisable not to interrupt junior unnecessarily.
"I told you a lot of shit. About you, about myself. And about everything, in general. You probably think that I'm some kind of sick or something. A crazy jerk, who doesn't know, what he wants."
"I never thought of you that way. And your recognition of this has not changed," Jungsuk decided to insert a couple of words, to make it clear to junior, that he listens carefully to him and in this case does not agree with his opinion.
Jonghyong looked up in surprise at senior, peering into the other's eyes, trying hard to see any hint of insincerity or pity. But saw only understanding. Jungsuk understood him.
"I…" Kim paused, still looking at his Hyong, "I've already told you quite a lot about, who I am. I don't know, how to build relationships. I don't know, how to express my feelings and feelings. I don't know, how to do it, because I've never experienced it. All, I know, is pain and humiliation," Jonghyong said so casually, that Jungsuk's jaw clenched. He wanted to kill the bastard, who had done this to this child.
"I'm afraid of men, afraid of intimacy, afraid of the responsibility, that will fall on my partner's shoulders, if he is stupid enough, to enter into a relationship with me. I'm bisexual, but men attract me more. However, I have never had a long-term relationship with a man, either platonic or intimate. Except…" Jonghyong flinched as if he'd been slapped. The memory of his ex still frightened him, crushed and crushed him, made him feel dirty and inferior. Jonghyong rubbed his hands together as if trying to get rid of the dirt. For several years he had not been able to get rid of it. Jungsuk listened to junior very carefully, having moved a little to a safe distance.
"You're the first man, who's ever made me want to be intimate."
Maknae's words knocked a sigh out of Jungsuk. Jonghyong's speech was not going to be easy to understand, but the frankness, he had ventured on, discouraged senior, despite the fact, that he had seen junior's interest more than once.
"You have no idea, how much effort it took to keep my distance from you. For your own peace of mind," Jonghyong blushed with shame and humiliation. How many times did he jerk off to the light, but so the domineering image of his senior, how many times did he pull himself back from gazes, how many times did he get angry with himself, waking up with a stone boner in the morning and a wet spot on the causal place.
"I'm broken, Hyong. And I am unlikely to be restored. I've come to terms with myself over time. But you…" he ran a hand over his face, then ruffled the hair on the back of his head, "you broke my installed mechanism. Destroyed a carefully constructed wall. Undermined my foundations. I can't get rid of you. You're right here," Jonghyong looked at Hyong carefully, not blinking, pointing a finger at his temple, "and no matter what I do, your image doesn't leave my head. I think about you even more often, than it's allowed to," Jonghyong abruptly stood up from the bench, unable to stand the pressure, his own emotions, and the fear, that was once again trying to show itself and envelop maknae's mind. "You can't imagine, about what I think, when I'm alone. What I want, that you do with me. What images my sophisticated sadistic fantasy presents to me," Jonghyong's voice rose with uncontrollable bursts of adrenaline and fear. Jungsuk made an attempt to get up and approach Jonghyong, but junior took a step back, still muttering, and Park held his hands out in front of him.
"I'm dirty, Hyong. You have no idea, how much! I wanted so badly to get rid of your persistent attention, because I thought, that you might hurt me. But I was wrong," Jonghyong clasped himself in his hands. Unbidden tears gathered at the corners of his eyes, threatening to smudge the familiar makeup, and his teeth were constantly tugging at the ring in his lip as if he would tear it out by the roots.
"It's me! I'm the one, who can hurt you. And I'm not talking about physical pain. You're just going to be as fucking crazy bastard, as I am if you keep following me around. I don't want to ruin your life. But I can't help it!" Jonghyong could barely contain the salty moisture, that had come so unexpectedly. It seemed, that just a few moments ago he was going to open up to Hyong, tell him, how sorry he was for, what he had said earlier, admit, that he wanted to try to let senior into his life as far, as possible. But something went wrong. Everything got out of control. When Jonghyong started talking, he couldn't stop. Looking at his Hyong's face, he suddenly realized, that he was not worthy of him. Not worthy to have next to him such a bright, kind, beautiful, intelligent, attentive person, like Park Jungsuk. Kim will just ruin senior. He would besmear him with his filthy body and no less disgusting soul. Would defile his image. Will ruin his outlook. And this scared Jonghyong so much, that his monologue turned into the exact opposite direction, reminiscent of the one, that Jonghyong had so violently and rudely demonstrated to senior a couple of weeks ago at Chaebom's house.
"Jonghyong," Jungsuk didn't want to hear any more of Jonghyong insulting himself. He tries furiously to convince himself, rather, than Jungsuk himself, of his insignificance. Jungsuk could not deny, that Kim Jonghyong was very… a very peculiar person. If he went to a doctor's office, they would put him in a mental hospital, put him in a straitjacket, and put him in a wing for particularly violent patients. Maknae's panic attacks seemed to come out of nowhere. His speech became louder and more irritable than when the younger man was just confused. Fear was instantly replaced by a fit of uncontrollable rage. His eyes burned with flames. His hands clenched into fists. His whole body was tense. Kim couldn't control himself in this state and seemed to have become unmanageable. But there is a reason for everything. Professor of Jungsuk by his principal direction has always said, that children are the cruelest creatures. A child can be more dangerous, than any adult. Being aware of their permissiveness and impunity due to their small age, a child can deliberately harm both himself and others. A child can be withdrawn and unsociable, will not give a chance to get close to themselves, help and support, because they simply can not trust strangers. The child can't control himself, because he wasn't taught to. The child can not take responsibility for his own actions, because he simply does not realize the degree of their importance and punish-ability. That is why it was much more difficult to work with children, who are prone to mental disorders as well, as with complex diseases of the spectrum in this area, but it is much more interesting than with adults. If Jungsuk can handle something like this, then he should at least try to help Jonghyong. Because now he reminded Park of a small child, who was just afraid to let a grown-up uncle near him because he was not used to trusting anyone.
"Jonghyong," Jungsuk came closer, even though the younger man was still retreating. "Calm down. You are absolutely wrong. All, that you have said now, has nothing to do with you," Jungsuk gently took the younger man's hands and continued to speak evenly and calmly so, that the full meaning of his words reached Jonghyong. "I remember perfectly well, what you told and showed me. And I will not hide the fact, that I was shocked by what, that I saw," Kim's eyes immediately widened with fear of being rejected, and he tried to pull his hands out of Hyong's grasp, but the latter only increased the pressure, continuing to squeeze the other's wrists carefully, but rather heavily. "But not for the reasons, that you just described. I was shocked at, how you handled it. How strong you had to be, to bear it. How much you went through, to get to where you are now. I was angry…" Jungsuk closed his eyes, remembering, how he had cursed himself over and over for being careless. "I was angry, that I let myself lose control. Allowed myself to think, that I have the right to your attention without even asking you about it. I followed you. Pressed. Didn't give you a chance to explain. I scared you. Forgive me for this," Park felt, that Jonghyong thumping, and moved a little closer, trying to give him some sense of reassurance from his presence.
Jonghyong felt weak in his legs. Everything, that Hyong said, made him feel even more shitty than before. As Hyong was able to consider himself to blame? How could he ask for forgiveness from a sick bastard, like Kim Jonghyong?
Kim didn't know, how he got to the ground and saw, that Jungsuk was sitting next to him right on the path. In his clean light jeans. And looks. Looks so piercing and understanding, that it hurt in the chest. Kim had kept it all to himself for too long. But as soon as he looked into the malachite eyes, maknae couldn't help it, and the tears began to flow. The whole body was shaking and pounding, despite the warm weather. His stomach twisted painfully, and he thought, that he was going to throw up in self-loathing for his own weakness. He looked disgusting in the eyes of Jungsuk and couldn't believe, that senior didn't feel the same way. Kim closed his eyes, to hide his shame, but immediately felt a warm touch on his shoulder. Hyong touched him carefully and slowly, allowing to pull away or accept tactile intimacy. This is what junior originally came here for. But things didn't turn out the way, how Kim had imagined.
"I'm scared to death of you, Hyong," Jonghyong admitted, as Jungsuk moved his hand from the shoulder into maknae's hair, slowly and easily ruffling it. Right now he didn't care about his carefully coiffed hair. He tried to pull himself together and focus on the senior's touch. The heat tingled softly on the scalp, seeping into the very sub-cortex, spreading gradually throughout the body, settling somewhere below. It wasn't intimacy. It was a gesture of trust for Jonghyong. The fear, that still sat somewhere inside his whispered, that he should give up this crazy idea, throw off Hyong's hands, push him away. After all, all men want only one thing. Sex. And sex implies dominion and power, which Jonghyong is never can have. Junior tried to ignore the cold whispers as much, as could, and focus on Jungsuk himself. He looked at the face, that seemed to have been created by the angels of heaven, so perfect it was, at the piercing green eyes, that could drown in, at the pink lips, that invited to touch them, at the rounded cheeks, that the sweetest child could envy. Beautiful. Jungsuk-Hyong is beautiful. Compared to the large and sometimes awkward Kim Jonghyong, who caused others to tremble with his powerful physique, interest in the tattoos, that encircled his arms, and fear, when maknae shot his angry and sullen gaze at everyone, who got in the way. But inside Jonghyong was the complete opposite. And this contrast was always torn junior on parts, like a schizophrenic, who had two personalities at the same time.
"But…" Kim went on more hesitantly because the green lights were still boring into his eyes, "I can't run away from you anymore."
"You don't need to," Jungsuk said, carefully moving closer to Jonghyong, as not to frighten him, and left a light kiss on junior's forehead, continuing to caress the other's hair with his fingers. He leaned against maknae's forehead and whispered, "I've already caught up with you, Jonghyong-e."
"I don't know, what's going to happen, Hyong. You can't imagine, how fucking terrified I am at the thought, that something goes wrong. I don't want to hurt you with my…"
Jungsuk interrupted junior by touching his lips with two fingers.
"Everything will be fine, Jonghyong-a. Just be yourself. You don't have to and you won't change your habits because of me. I can understand you. I'm going to trust you. Please, try to trust me."
Kim couldn't help himself. The tears continued to flow, relieving him of the pressure, that had pinned him to the ground a moment ago. It was as if the younger guy had been swimming underwater for a long time, and now he was able to breathe again. His hands were shaking, and Jonghyong gripped Hyong's forearms, feeling the tension in senior's arms. He wasn't the only one struggling with himself.
"I forgot the most important thing," Jonghyong whispered, closing his eyes and still touching others' forehead with his own.
"About what?"
"Happy birthday, Hyong," Jonghyong said a little guiltily.
Jungsuk snorted but nodded in response.
"I don't have a gift for you," Jonghyong's voice was so sad, that Jungsuk wanted to kiss him. Such a seemingly grown-up and seemingly confident guy, upset as a child because of some little thing.
"You've already given me the most precious thing, that you have," Park said confidently, pulling away from his junior.
"What is it?" the sadness was replaced by genuine surprise. Kim looked so good now. With his eyes slightly swollen from tears, his makeup smeared black, his nose red, and his lips slightly dry, even this maknae made Park's heart and soul tremble. Jungsuk suppressed a second desire to touch those lips with his own. But he checked himself. Jonghyong took a huge step forward. Maknae tried to come to terms with his fears for the sake of him. He fights. If Jungsuk's reckless act shakes his junior's trust, which is still very fragile, then Jonghyong will never be able to trust him again.
"Your trust."
Jonghyong blushed, and still, Jungsuk couldn't resist flicking him lightly on the red nose.
"We need to take you home. My boyfriend shouldn't be walking around alone in the middle of the night."
The unaccustomed word jarred a little but was a pleasant stab to the heart. Jonghyong was a little taken aback by the senior's statement. Park Jungsuk called him his boyfriend. Is this true? Yes, probably. After all, this was the junior's goal, when he came here. This role is new to him. Jonghyong had no idea, into what abyss of madness he was dragging senior. But maknae wanted it. He didn't do it on any one's orders, or to prove anything, but really on his own. Kim knew it would be very difficult. He and Jungsuk don't really know each other. And they have a long way, to go to fix it. But with senior's support and favor Jonghyong was willing to at least try.