Do you want, that people to think, you're crazy? Tell the truth
(Dean Winchester "Supernatural")
South Korea, 2018
"Hyong?" Jonghyong stood against the wall, leaning back against it, and stared at the crowd in amazement. There were so many people, that there was literally no place to crowd. Half of them Kim didn't even know or remember, some of them he'd seen only once, others he'd met at Uni. As a result, the person, responsible for the celebration, knew less than half of those present here.
"Mm?" Muyong moved closer to Jonghyong so, that he could hear him better. Even though the guys were standing quite far away from the stereo, the sound was still quite loud.
"I'll kill your boyfriend!" Jonghyong blurted out, again scanning the crowd. And why the hell did Chaebom get him to celebrate his birthday so… boisterously? After all, the friend knew perfectly well, that maknae hated this day more than anything else in the year. As a rule, Kim tried to spend it quietly, in private with himself, and even Chaebom did not touch him on this day, limiting himself to congratulations and stupid gifts. But today… today a friend has surpassed himself. Chaebom continued to whine throughout the day, following his friend around, like a lost puppy and begging to celebrate such a significant day at least once.
"Come on, dude! We're at Uni! Your first birthday as an adult. Damn, this needs to be noted. And I don't want to hear anything, Kim Jonghyong. Just agree. Otherwise, I'll drag you into my home in a bag!" Chaebom was more serious than ever. He even provided his house as a place of celebration, since his parents were away, while the ancestors of Jonghyong are opposite, and besides, if Jonghyong had the opportunity to gather all these… invited people in his house, which he would never have done for any reason, no one would have canceled the presence of his little brother. Jonghyong loved his brother, really. He was the only person, besides Chaebom, which had Kim value. But still, alcohol, nicotine, kumar, loud music, and a crowd of drunken students, rushing back and forth was, not exactly suitable for the company of a thirteen-year-old boy. Jeonhyun has recently become quite irritable and characteristic. Affected by the transition to adulthood. And junior constantly annoyed Jonghyong, complaining, that the older brother did not take part in his life, did not take him to parties, did not introduce him to friends and… girls. Each time they talked, Kim would choke with barely suppressed laughter, but try to explain as clearly, as possible, to junior, to make it clear, that becoming an adult so soon is not worth it. Jonghyong remembered when he was a little older than his brother. He remembered, how the hormones were literally hitting his head with a jet of several atmospheres, causing him to jump out of his pants from an overabundance of emotions. That was one of the reasons, why what happened to him happened. Jonghyong met a man, who took him under his wing, showed false concern, and crushed him with his patronage, considering in the already daring boy a submissive component, which started their unhealthy relationship. Due to inexperience and the raging hormones of youth Kim fell for a beautiful appearance, other's experience, flattering words, and promises, completely unaware, of what his partner would actually turn out to be: a domineering, control-mad, selfish tyrant, who did everything he wanted with the boy. Jonghyong didn't want that for his brother either. Didn't want, that junior to try to grow up faster. Youth has its drawbacks as well, as its advantages. If he hadn't tried to be more mature, than he really was, if he hadn't tried to prove, that he could be as good, as his elders, make his own decisions, and do, what he thought was best, he might not have fallen into the trap of the treacherous Hyong. He read him like an open book and used it for his own purposes. No one could help or protect him from this kind of fate. But now, with this experience, he could protect his brother. Kim knew he couldn't stand behind him forever, but he could protect him from the most common mistakes. And early adulthood is one of them.
Given all the facts, Chaebom's house was the perfect fit, but the problem was, that Red was weak-tongued, especially, when it came to such things, and instead of a quiet birthday party with his closest friends and former school classmates, whom Kim agreed to invite purely out of politeness, turned out to be a drunken party with a lot of people, noisy music, uncontrolled amounts of alcohol, drugs and all sorts of other nonsense, that Kim did not even want to imagine. Jonghyong didn't have time to remember the faces of the guys and girls, who came in, who seemed to come out of nowhere, and after about an hour he just stopped doing it, just nodding dispassionately at the dry congratulations and letting another uninvited guest in. To be honest, the audience was frankly spat on the reason for this binge. The main thing is, that there were a place and time, the rest is a matter of chance. Jonghyong had seen this many times when he was still in high school when a person invited one or more classmates "in confidence", and within a couple of hours, half of the school already knew about the upcoming event. Kim had never seen the point of such gatherings: what good was it, to get so drunk or stoned, that you couldn't even remember your own name, and lie, like a limp doll, in someone else's house in a corner in a pool of your own urine and vomit? Ugh! Also, Kim didn't understand, how in such a state can manage to hook up with someone and fuck until losing your pulse, completely not knowing the person even in person. Maknae couldn't say, that he was a saint himself. Just the opposite. After Hyong left him, he tried, really tried to find oblivion at parties and gatherings like this, to drown his pain in alcohol, drug smoke, with some painted maiden on his lap. But very soon realized, that this does not bring him the slightest satisfaction, only irritates and sometimes even exasperates so much, that the guy was ready to break all the available glass surfaces in the room, flush all the drugs down the toilet, and even better, push them right in the throat the jerk, who decided to stuff it for others, while not taking himself, and all the so-called "girls", who in real life pretend to be decent girls, not allowing even to touch themself, not to mention, how to kiss or fuck, but now on their own galloping in a drunken dance on his lap, literally inviting themselves into his pants, Jonghyong wanted to grab the hair and shake, as unruly kittens, and put aside, that they shed tears and, finally, realized, that to behave in this way at least unseemly for a young girl their age. Kim attended such parties very rarely and only reluctantly when Chaebom literally begged him to keep him company. And today's birthday celebration reminded him of one of those parties. So, Jonghyong literally glared at his friend, who was standing a little apart from him, smiling sweetly at the next newcomer, whose face Jonghyong had never seen. Chaebom looked so happy and cheerful even more, so than usual, that it seemed as if this party was meant for him and not for his friend.
"Don't judge him harshly."
Jonghyong flinched when Muyong's hand fell lightly on his shoulder. Senior knocked him off balance with a sudden touch, startling him out of the prostration of his own thoughts.
"He wanted to give you a party, that you never had. Honestly, I tried to stop him, when he was planning it, but Chaebom wanted to surprise you so badly. He said, that you never celebrate your birthdays and…"
"Wait," Kim suddenly turned around and fixed his brown eyes on Hyong's amber ones. "So, he planned this, before I gave my consent?!"
Muyong hesitated slightly, pursing his lips in a slight smile.
"I didn't tell you that."
"Fucking bastard, Chaebom!" Jonghyong rolled his eyes and again leaned on the wall. "I will definitely kill him!" in his head, Kim has already replayed many options for killing his childhood best friend. A little to the right Muyong chuckled, and Jonghyong let out a breath, trying to relax a little, but it was hard. The room was too hot to breathe, the smell of it was a nasty bitterness in his nostrils and down his throat, the sweat was on his forehead, the music was heavy on his ears, and his lips were already aching from the way, how Kim was biting them, holding himself back so, that he wouldn't run away and leave the room. Jonghyong tore his gaze from his useless friend and glided through the crowd, searching for familiar features and curves. As soon as he thought about his senior, a herd of goosebumps ran down his spine, and his hands were sweating, so he had to rub them on his jeans.
"Hyong, and… Jungsuk-Hyong… he's…" Jonghyong swore to himself. It would seem, that their relationship with Jungsuk gradually went from "I will fall through the ground, if you get even an inch closer to me" to "Damn, my cheeks are burning with embarrassment, but I don't want, that Hyong to notice it", moving smoothly and calmly to Kim more or less normal behavior in the presence of Park. However, the image of senior was still in maknae awe and slight apprehension. It wasn't the fear, which he felt when he was pinned under the bleachers by Brandon and his company. Not the fear, that junior had felt in the club's bathroom, after Hyong had jerked off to him with his hand. It was the fear of power. Jonghyong admired his senior and still couldn't get over the feelings – embarrassment and desire at the same time. He knew, sensed, that Jungsuk-Hyong had not given up on his intentions to win his favor, but he was acting differently now. And this only made Jonghyong more out of his usual state. He couldn't have predicted Hyong's actions, couldn't prepare his defense mechanism in advance, couldn't escape, couldn't hide. What the hell though? He never could. For all the time, they had known each other as soon, as he entered this University, he could not shake off these feelings. And his desires. Dirty, abnormal, unnatural desires, that were now usual to him. Jonghyong was getting used to the idea, that he had long ago fallen into the trap of his senior. It didn't cause as much fear, as he had before, but that didn't mean, Kim could calmly think about it. Thinking about possible intimacy with Park still scared junior. Hyong said, that he would never hurt him, that he would always come to the rescue, whenever Kim asked, that maknae should not be afraid of him, that he could trust him. Jonghyong knew this in his mind, and he could see the way, that Jungsuk felt about him, but the past would not let him go. The fear of someone else's hands did not disappear, the panic attack was covering him with his head, literally sucking him into his darkness as soon, as he imagined, how Hyong taking him. Kim wanted to do this, but at the same time, he was so afraid, that he was ready to run to the end of the world, to get away from Park. But the most frightening thing was something else. Being rejected. Kim was afraid, that, if Jungsuk found out, who he really was, he would just laugh at him or, even worse, call him a sick, unbalanced, psychotic madman, who needed specialized help and didn't know, what to do. Jonghyong had long since come to terms with his identity, and Blake-Hyong had helped him to a greater extent. It was scary to imagine, what the sessions with senior were like at the very beginning. If now Hyong only talked to him, when maknae was inappropriate to the rules, and his condition was out of line, at the very beginning of his club visits Blake was literally working as a psychologist, each time calming and bringing junior out of a kind of trance after a regular session. Hyong tried to put it into the head of his donsen, that he was not ill, and he certainly shouldn't think of himself as such. Yes, there were certain mental problems with maknae, but there was no way to classify him as one of the psychos, who should be kept in a specialized institution. Jonghyong was no threat to anyone, but himself. He was literally destroying himself by accepting the pain as a kind of punishment, but in reality, it was liberating for junior. A release from, what he had become, a release from the thoughts and feelings, that had consumed him, a release from his own fears, a release from the responsibility, that he had inevitably had to face when his ex left him. In the case of junior physical torture was not a punishment, but a reward for the way, how Jonghyong copes in reality, how he overcomes obstacles encountered in his way, how he restrains himself, not letting anger and irritability get to his brain, how he learns to control himself and his body. Kim has come a long and difficult way to this day, to fully take his emotions, feelings, and actions under control. And Jungsuk was undermining its foundations, breaking down all the walls, that junior had been building for these years. Jungsuk was the first man in several years, to whom Jonghyong wanted to give himself. But the fear of being rejected and misunderstood was even more frightening, than other men's hands on his bodies. If Jungsuk does not accept him, as he is, Jonghyong will have to work hard, to avoid falling back into the state, in which he fell into the hands of his Master.
"He had some business at the university and was detained until late in the evening. You know, how responsible Jungsuk is, when it comes to learning," Muyong made junior wince again, as he moved closer to his ear. "Don't worry, he'll come," a playful smile appeared on Hyong's lips, and Jonghyong shivered with excitement.
"Jonghyong-aaa!" Chaebom emerged from the crowd and hung on the neck of his friend. He was already pretty good at drinking: the guy's cheeks were flushed, his hair was disheveled, and a wet red fringe clung to his forehead. There was a gambling gleam in his eyes. What is happening, of course, was the taste of Chaebom.
"You know, that you're going to pay for this, you little shit," Jonghyong hissed at his friend with a fake smile, which made him change immediately, lighting up with a slight shadow of fear. Chaebom was already used to his friend's antics and expressions, but sometimes Jonghyong scared him with his bluntness and a hard look, which made him want to curl up in a ball. That's why Chaebom was wondering, why next to Jungsuk-Hyong Jonghyong completely changed, became insecure and nervous, completely falling out of reality and habitual behavior. Chaebom can't wait, when this senior would appear and capture the attention of Kim, otherwise he risks being beaten at the birthday party of his childhood friend. He knew, of course, that he was going to pay for his idea of celebrating Kim's holiday unusually, but he still hoped for a better outcome. The presence of Jungsuk-Hyong was the main point in Chaebom's plan. To be honest, he had invited all these people here, just so that Jonghyong wouldn't feel so awkward in the company of his senior. As to say, the lesser of evils. Chaebom knew, that his friend was not happy with such gatherings and never liked being the center of attention of so many people, but he still believed, that an informal atmosphere would help him relax and finally stop running away from someone, who liked him. Had he miscalculated? Despite his rather tipsy state, Chaebom's eyes were still clear and sharp and did not detect the presence of Jungsuk-Hyong in his house. Although senior assured him, that he would come and not miss Jonghyong's birthday, he even twice specified the address, where Chaebom lived. But senior was still missing. And it's frankly unnerving to Chaebom. All the effort, the guy put in, went into the trash. Yes, and the burning look of his friend did not add optimism.
"I want to go outside. It's too stuffy in here," Jonghyong pulled away from his friend's embrace and nodded toward the front door.
"You're going back, aren't you?" Chaebom shouted uncertainly, as Jonghyong turned his back on him.
"Of course," Jonghyong said with a malicious smile. "Don't think, that you can avoid a beating for everything, that you've done to me here. It would be too easy," the guy put his head on one side, and Chaebom swallowed so loudly, it seemed, that even over the noise of the music could hear it. Muyong couldn't help but laugh out loud, as he put his arm around his boyfriend's shoulders and pulled him into the crowd of dancers, to interrupt the damn stare of juniors. Kim only shook his head, but still smiled. He was really happy for his friend. Would he like to get what, that he wants just as easily.
Once outside, Jonghyong took a deep breath of fresh air, not filled with the heat and stuffiness of the room. Despite the autumn period and the late hour of the day, it was warm outside. Kim sat on the porch and took a pack of menthol cigarettes from the pocket of his favorite black jeans. He had been smoking more often lately, and it annoyed him, but he couldn't help it. When the cancer stick was pressed between lips, it was easier to think and focus. The soft menthol smoke, unlike the heavy sediment of his Master's cigarettes, settled pleasantly in a slight coolness somewhere in the back of his throat, after which the remnants were vented through his nostrils, forming a light cloud, that immediately dispersed before his eyes. Jonghyong smoked slowly, alternately flicking the ash off with his long, neat fingers. Jungsuk did not want to leave his thoughts. Recently, even in sessions with his Master Jonghyong imagined in place of Blake-Hyong… Jungsuk-Hyong. How exactly his hands hold the device and use it for its intended purpose, how his shrewd eyes examine the body of junior after another action, how short fingers run a cotton swab over the swollen stripes on the back after the lash, how senior's tongue runs along the sweat-wet neck, collecting salt, and pink lips whisper in his ear, "Well done, Jonghyong-e. You did great."
All these images didn't give junior a rest. He felt like a pervert, when he thought about Jungsuk during sessions, projecting his image, like his Master. Maknae broke down and shared his desires with Blake-Hyong. Senior nodded with understanding.
"Your desire is absolutely normal. Your body is trying to adjust to the influence of your brain. You feel a strong sexual attraction to the object of your attention, hence, as a consequence, the desire to position it not only mentally, but also physically in the way, you are familiar with. There is nothing unnatural about this. If you do decide, and your partner needs help with the introduction of the "theme", you can contact me. You know, that many of the meetings, we've attended before, I've been invited as a Mentor, not just as a member of the club."
"Yes, I know, but I don't think, I have the courage to do anything like that," Jonghyong said, breaking into a cold sweat just at the thought of, that Jungsuk becoming his Master's apprentice. He couldn't even think of, that telling his senior about his problems, let alone asking to learn to do something like this.
"My offer stands."
"But that doesn't mean, I want to replace you, Hyong. You know, I won't let anyone touch me the way, that you do," maknae said, suddenly feeling guilty. Master, like his submissive, was dependent on his partner and, if one of the "left the theme", the other could stay alone for a long time, content with only one-time meetings, but this is not the same. The trust of partners is developed over the years, and even in the case of a change of partner, it will be quite difficult to develop such a relationship immediately. Therefore, thematics rarely did this, sticking to their partners, although, unlike a submissive, Master could have several bottoms. It all depended on preferences, which Top could usually have more than the bottom could give. As is the case with John. Blake was dating not only him, but a girl, who could give him something, that junior couldn't afford. Sex. Sexual relations were not always mandatory during the thematic session, but still in most cases from the action Master as well, as his partner, experienced sexual tension, which was often accompanied by sexual intercourse both during and after a fully conducted session. John was an exceptional partner. He was getting everything, he needed, through the bodily torture of a different configuration, without the need for the sexual implication of the action. And this was his main taboo when he entered his Master's room. But despite all this, junior felt, that he could offend his senior, who literally brought him back to life every time, when he was under his hands, making it clear, that he was not averse to replacing him, and also to violating his own rules regarding the sexual context.
"I know," senior's voice was level and calm, his eyes as sharp, as ever, and his face didn't move a muscle. Blake couldn't say, that he didn't take junior's attack at all. But it was not in his nature to feel primitive jealousy. John wasn't his date, they weren't in a relationship, they weren't swearing eternal love, and they weren't making any promises. John arranged Blake as a partner, the guy was exactly, what senior liked: submissive, malleable, sensitive. Many of the members outside the club were quite famous people, married men, and women. Thematic meetings rarely developed into a full-fledged relationship, unless, of course, the partners were previously a couple, who joined the club together, which was also the case. Of course, there were cases of establishing relationships outside the institution, but, as a rule, people, who came here, did not look for this. They had certain goals and desires, crossing the threshold of the club, which were radically different from the usual life principles of the majority. That's why Blake didn't react much to junior's glimmer of guilt because he just didn't think, that it was appropriate. He did not give up the idea of having sex with his donsen, capturing his attention even more than he already had. But this was a different kind of desire. The desire to possess not only the state of maknae on a psychological level, but also physically, so that the guy belongs to him completely, while watching junior give herself to him completely and without a trace, and then wake up in his hands with gratitude, that literally lights up the still youthful face. But if junior had asked for this kind of help, Blake would have agreed without hesitation. The idea, that maknae's body would be used by a novice, who knew nothing about the theme, was disconcerting to senior. This would undermine all the serious and hard work, that Blake had been doing with maknae for several years. It is better for him to instruct the partner of his bottom with his own hands, making sure, that he does not harm junior, than to give it to an inexperienced Top. Most people in real life pretend to be dominant, even though they really have no idea, what that means. They like to humiliate and cause pain for no reason, not at all concerned about the desires of their partner, completely without thinking about his psychological state, thereby undermining all the foundations of the theme. Blake hated these "dominants" with every fiber of his being. Maimed, sick, psychologically unstable, moral bastards, who can only inflict pain on others, without bringing anything in return. Blake was a sadist. He liked to cause pain, could mutilate the body of a partner worse, than any executioner, undermine the mental state of a person and bring it to the point of no return. But there were certain rules for this: consent, security, control. Senior will never take the whip, if the partner is against it, will never force sex, if the bottom is not ready for it, will never put pressure on the psyche, if he is not sure, whether the submissive can cope with it. This is what made him different from those sick bastards, who just played "domination/submission", to amuse their inflated egos or to get rid of their own complexes, which they were afraid to admit to themselves, but in fact, did not know half about the theme, thereby putting both their partner and themselves in danger.
Jonghyong hissed, as the cigarette filter burned his fingers. The guy swore and tossed the butt into the nearest trash can. His hands were trembling slightly, either from excitement or from the tension, that had been caused by the sudden rush of memories and, as a result, the thoughts, that had become an obsession of late. Kim was constantly thinking about, how to let senior get even closer to him, than he had already allowed, because, frankly, despite his fear and loathing, somewhere deep inside him, he desperately wanted to. He wanted to feel the warmth of someone else's body, the softness of skin, strong fingers, hot lips… Jonghyong wanted intimacy. The usual intimacy, that he had forbidden himself for a very long time. Sex with girls never satisfied him. This was akin to the habit of drinking coffee in the morning – just so it was necessary to get the body to work and function properly. But the real satisfaction from sex with a girl Jonghyong never did not get.
The guy touched his temples with his fingers, massaging them hard. He had a headache. Maknae took a deep breath and decided to go back inside, or Chaebom would start sounding the alarm and run screaming into the street, dragging Kim back.
As soon as he entered, his nose was immediately assailed by unpleasant odors, that had dissipated in the street, and now again stung his mucous membrane. Jonghyong covered his nose with his hand in an attempt not to choke and went to the second floor, where the rooms were located. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of Chaebom. He hung on to Muyong and said something in his ear, which made senior smile stupidly. Chaebom caught Jonghyong's eye and nodded at him. Kim pointed up, then wrapped an arm around his neck, indicating, that he would soon inside out if he stayed any longer. Chaebom first pretended to pout, but then nodded. The friend had already been here for at least a few hours.
Jonghyong walked confidently up the stairs, past the first door, and immediately turned toward Chaebom's room. Putting down the handle, Jonghyong went inside and closed the door behind him, immediately closing his eyes in peace and quiet. The music reached the second floor in a muted tone, which allowed for at least some illusion of privacy. Opposite Kim was a window with a wide sill, where he and Chaebom used to sit together as children and indulge in cigarettes, that was safely stolen from Chaebom's mother. Just below the window was the double bed, on which he and Chaebom had fallen asleep, sometimes intertwining their limbs in their sleep, jostling each other in the struggle to drag the blanket. A computer desk, a small chest of drawers, a wardrobe, a game console, a plasma TV, a small stereo system, that was completely different from the one, currently used on the first floor – all this Kim knew by heart since childhood. Sometimes it seemed to him, that he spent in the house Chaebom more time than in his own. Chaebom's parents were always kind to him and accepted him at any time. Chaebom's mother was a very beautiful and attentive woman, and his father did not cause tremors all over his body, unlike Kim-senior. He was constantly glaring at his son, making him literally shrink to the size of a matchbox, and his rough and hoarse voice never addressed him, except, when his father was displeased with him, which was more often than he could remember. The mother, as a rule, supported the father, since he was the head of the family in the house, and it was not accepted to contradict his decisions and judgments. Therefore, as soon as he was old enough, to have the audacity to not follow the accepted family concepts, he simply ran away from home to his best friend, whose family accepted him as their own and never judged him, unlike his parents.
However, one day one of the awkward conversations caused Jonghyong to temporarily stop visiting his friend's room regularly. Chaebom's parents believed that the boys spent a lot of time together, which led to the wrong conclusion. Chaebom's mother and father were aware of their son's orientation and accepted it rather tolerantly, which led to an awkward assumption.
"You and Chaebom-e are dating, right?" once asked the mother of the best friend. Jonghyong almost choked on his coffee.
"No! What makes you think that?" Jonghyong tried to control himself. How could the mother of his best friend think of such a thing? Kim had already accepted his orientation as well, as Chaebom himself, but the thought, that him and Chaebom sleeping together in a different way, then they were used, to make junior feel sick. Of course, Chaebom was attractive and very well-built, but to sleep with him… No! It definitely is not. Jonghyong had never had such a thought, even though they spent all their free time together, hardly ever leaving each other's side. Kim would never sleep with his best friend.
"I just want to say, that I don't mind your relationship, but be very careful. Don't grow up too fast. Don't do things, you'll regret later, okay?" Chaebom's mother patted Kim on the head, and he only nodded, because he was in such a stupor, that he could not even find the strength to deny, what she had said.
After this incident, Chaebom apologized for a long time and begged his friend to come to his house, as before, but for a while, Jonghyong distanced himself from him. It was then that he met his first…
Kim shook his head, trying to get out of the unpleasant memories, that threatened to break through. He'd spent too much time, getting his life in order after all this shit, and wasn't going to go back to it again.
Jonghyong lay down on the bed on the right side, where he usually slept when he stayed with Chaebom. The sound of music from downstairs was still audible, but Kim did not pay attention to it. To be honest, he only agreed to this madness, because he was counting on the presence of a certain person. But Jungsuk-Hyong never showed up. Junior felt tired, exhausted, and… disappointed. So, he decided to stay here, away from everyone, in the quiet of the room. After sending a short text message to his brother, asking him not to wait for him, because he would not be coming home today, Kim closed his eyes and tried to relax and sleep at least until morning, to avoid the madness, that was happening below. He never liked to celebrate his birthday. He's done enough, just by showing up here. Let Chaebom and Muyong amuse themselves for the rest of the night without him.
***
Jungsuk cursed again, as he left the house, calling a taxi along the way. The rest of today was going to hell. His car suddenly decided not to start at the most inopportune moment, which is why the guy could not get home in time, after the Professor detained him at the University, that, by the way, Park also did not plan. Once home and hastily dressed, Jungsuk once again checked the address, which gave him Chaebom. His house was only half an hour away, but he didn't have a car, so he had to wait for a taxi. Senior was kicking his leg impatiently. He was terribly late. The party for Jonghyong's birthday had already started a long time ago, and Park was nervous. But couldn't figure out why. When Chaebom invited him, senior agreed without hesitation, but now in the stuffy and smoky salon, Jungsuk felt uncomfortable. He liked Jonghyong. Really like. And Park was going to get close to him. But maknae was constantly slipping away from him, like water through his fingers, and senior did not understand the reason for this behavior. After all, he clearly saw the junior's interest. But his fear, though lessened over time, still flickered in his eyes, when Jungsuk got too close to Kim, teased the guy, or flirted in a way, that even a fool would have noticed. But Jungsuk couldn't help himself. He vowed to move gradually, so as not to frighten Jonghyong with his assertiveness and a rather complex character, but each time he was within walking distance, he could not keep himself from touching Jonghyong even a little, fleetingly or saying something, to confuse maknae so much, that his beautiful young face lit up with a blush. And the more he moved forward, the closer he became to the mysterious junior, the more he realized, that his patience would not last. That was why he was nervous now, like a fault teenager, who'd stolen his father's cigarettes, to make himself look cool in front of his friends. That was why his hands were sweating, his legs were trembling, and his head was full of shit. There would be a lot of people in Chaebom's house, but something told Jungsuk, a worm, that had been gnawing at his brain from the inside, that he and Jonghyong would be alone. And, in truth, for the first time in his life Park didn't know exactly, how to behave. He was used to getting everything, he wanted, but this time the goal seemed too inaccessible.
"He's in the room, apparently, tired of the noise and the surroundings. Go upstairs, second door," Chaebom shouted almost in his ear, which caused Park to wince slightly and pull away from the guy, to avoid the risk of being stunned. No wonder, that Jonghyong left. Livingroom Chaebom, to put it mildly, was complete chaos. Previously, Jungsuk thought, that only Muyong could do something like this, but it seems, that he was mistaken. His friend had found a kindred spirit.
Jungsuk passed through the dancing crowd, avoiding especially self-absorbed couples, who didn't even care, that they might have been accidentally pushed or spilled by stinking alcohol. Guys and girls were so engrossed in desperate kisses and cheeky dancing, that they spat on everyone around them. Jungsuk shook his head and chuckled, when out of the corner of his eye he noticed a couple, comfortably tripled on the sofa, gradually moving from simple kisses to more explicit actions. The guy shamelessly groped the girl's ass, squeezing the halves in his large hands, while the girl herself almost climbed into his pants. Just a little more and they will have sex right here.
Once on the stairs, Park took a deep breath and breathed a little more freely. His ears were blocked, forming plugs, and the guy carefully strained to "knock out" them. His eyes and mucous membrane burned unpleasantly from the dense layer of nicotine datura, and Park swallowed saliva, to somehow push the lump formed in his throat. He carefully opened the door, which, by the way, was not locked, and went inside. He was surrounded by the dimness of the room, but Jungsuk immediately made out a large silhouette on the bed. Jonghyong.
Maknae was lying in a relaxed position: on his back, one hand behind his head, while the other rested peacefully on his stomach. The legs were spread out, so that took up most of the bed. Kim's even breathing was the only sound, that filled the room.
Jungsuk smiled out of the corner of his mouth and sat down on the edge of the bed, next to the guy, accidentally touching his right leg. Jonghyong snorted in his sleep and bent it, allowing Park to sit more comfortably, even closer to the younger guy. Jungsuk looked closely at Jonghyong's face. The light from the courtyard lamp illuminated his profile. The guy was incredibly handsome. His dark, even brows relaxed in sleep, making Kim's expression soft and innocent. His eyes were, as usual, heavily made up with dark eyeliner, that traced the outline of his eyelid around its circumference, and his thick lashes were made even more intense by a layer of black mascara. Kim's nostrils quivered comically when he took a particularly deep breath. His pink wet lips parted slightly. A small mole under his lower lip looked so aesthetically pleasing and sexy at the same time, that Jungsuk didn't know, what he wanted more – to kiss or to admire. Jonghyong's hair, usually arranged in a chaotic style, was now spread out on the pillow, and his bangs had fallen slightly over his forehead, covering his eyes with their tips. Today he was wearing the same black jeans with torn knees, but a white T-shirt, that perfectly emphasized all the necessary curves and muscles of his body. The black lines of the tattoos on both arms were very different from the white fabric, creating a kind of contrast, that was simply impossible to look away from. Jungsuk couldn't help but run his index finger along with one of the dark lines, tracing it from the edge of the T-shirt to the wrist of the guy. Jonghyong grimaced in his sleep, removing his hand, and rolled over on his side, revealing his broad, powerful back to Jungsuk. Senior chuckled softly and moved to the other side of the bed, to face maknae again. In the land of Morpheus, Jonghyong seemed so defenseless, that was hard to believe, that in real life this guy was aloof and sullen. Jungsuk easily ran a hand through Jonghyong's hair, feeling a slight raid of varnish, then went down to his cheek, gently touching it with the back of his hand, and his gaze rested on the inviting lips. The guy knew, that he was behaving indecently. Not only does he break his own promise, but he also invades the personal space of a person, who doesn't even know it. Knowing Jonghyong, he would be terrified and, perhaps, even angry, if he woke up and saw, how brusquely senior was behaving. But Park couldn't stop himself. As if touched once, the hand acted on its own, without the owner's permission, and touched, touched, touched as long, as it was possible.
"Chaebom," Jonghyong muttered something sleepily and moved, and Jungsuk snatched his hand away. "Are you finally finished? Or…" junior opened his eyes and blinked to clear his sleepiness. He had no idea, how long it had been since he had come here. Apparently, is enough, if Chaebom has returned to the room. Somewhere in the back of his mind Jonghyong knew, that his friend would probably rather stay in the company of his boyfriend than come and sleep with him. But he dismissed the thought. Who else could have entered this room, except its owner, right? But when he got used to the dimness of the room, he could clearly see Jungsuk's face in the light of the lantern. Jonghyong took a breath, but it took him a moment, to let it out. How could senior be here?.. In the room Chaebom, next to… him?! Somewhere deep inside fear began to swirl. Fear of power. Fear of the unknown. Fear of other men's hands, which, as it turned out, had recently touched him, and, who knows, what might have done, if Jonghyong had not woken up.
Junior huddled against the head of the bed, instantly pulling his legs under him, wrapping his arms around them, wanting to shrink and disappear from this place. The air suddenly became disastrously lacking, the body was enveloped in heat, and inside everything shrank and trembled. Jonghyong felt, how the walls pressing down on him. He stared at Jungsuk, who seemed equally frightened.
"Jonghyong… sorry. I didn't mean to scare you," Jungsuk made an attempt to approach, but the younger man shrank back against the headboard even more, and even in the dim light could see the growing horror in his eyes.
"What are you… doing here?" Jonghyong did not recognize his own voice, which cut through the silence of the room.
"I came to congratulate you. Chaebom told me, that…"
"No," Jonghyong gripped legs tightly, but continued to stare into senior's eyes, trying to see, if there was any malice in them. But saw nothing, only fear, and regret.
"What are you doing here? In my friend's room. On his bed. With me…" he spoke abruptly, with difficulty, and it was clear, that this was not easy for him. His breathing was so fast and loud, that Jungsuk was seriously afraid, that the guy would suffocate from lack of oxygen.
"Forgive… I just…" Jungsuk ran a hand through his hair, ruffling it, but it immediately returned to its normal appearance. "I was late. There were some problems. When I came here, your friend told me, where to find you. That's why I was in this room."
"You could have just called me. Why did you… touched me… What do you want?" Jonghyong knew, that Jungsuk had done nothing wrong to him. If senior wanted to, he would have taken him by force long ago, there were plenty of opportunities for this. And not just today. He also knew that he could physically stand up to Park, despite the fact, that senior kept his body in very good shape – the muscles of his arms and legs were moderately inflated and strong. Jonghyong had seen, how senior work out in the gym. Still, the damned paranoia persisted. The fact, that Park had touched him, when he was at his most vulnerable, had scared the younger guy, which had triggered a defensive reaction – fear. Fear and desire to be as far away from male attention, as possible.
"Jonghyong…" Jungsuk moved a little closer again, holding up his hands, to show, that he had no bad intentions. That's what he was trying to avoid. Jonghyong was always a little uncomfortable around him. But Jungsuk did not notice, that the younger man felt fear or disgust when others touched him. At first, Park had a nagging suspicion, that Jonghyong couldn't stand being touched, but he dismissed the idea. Chaebom constantly groped his friend, hanging on him, kissing his cheeks and ruffled hair. From time to time Muyong could also afford to put a hand on maknae's shoulder or push with his fist in greeting. And Jungsuk himself touched Jonghyong more than once, without risk of scaring. Except in one case. In the club. When their intimacy went out of bounds. The hunch became even stronger when Jungsuk recalled the attack on Kim under the bleachers a couple of months ago. Of course, it would be difficult to cope with several opponents alone. Jonghyong would definitely have been badly hurt. But he didn't even try to fight back. All that Jungsuk saw, when he found the sophomores holding his junior under the bleachers, was fear. Unrestrained fear, literally oozing from every part of maknae's body. And now… Jonghyong was scared and immediately took a defensive position when he realized, that senior had touched him without asking, while the guy was sleeping.
"Jonghyong, you were… raped?" Park mentally slapped himself. Well, who asks such questions right off the bat, without preparation?! But the guess was so clear and fresh, that his mouth blurted out before his brain had time to think it over.
"What?!" Jonghyong's voice was much louder than it had been a moment ago. He even sat up straight on the bed, letting go of his legs, which made him seem less scared now but shocked.
"You were raped, is that why you're so afraid of intimacy when it comes to intimacy?" Jungsuk should have shut up, apologized, and left, but he couldn't stop. The idea, that junior had been raped, was killing him. Jungsuk saw, how a different range of emotions reflected on the younger man's face: surprise, awareness, skepticism… anger. Maknae's expression froze in anger, and Park shuddered slightly. This was the first time he had seen junior like this.
"You're an idiot…" the words came out softly, but Jungsuk heard them, and it made him uneasy.
"I'm sorry?" Park knew, that right now Jonghyong could do anything, to disprove senior's hypothesis. Rape leaves a strong trauma, the human psyche can be unstable. And given Jonghyong's age, Park could have assumed, that this happened before he came of age, during the period of maturation and development, which would have left an irreparable mark, that prevented junior from moving on.
"I said, you an idiot!" Jonghyong suddenly jumped out of bed and hovered over senior, spitting words, like a snake with venom. "How could you even think of such a thing, you smug fool?"
"Jonghyong, listen to me…"
"No! You listen!" Jonghyong was near the door, and Jungsuk thought, that the guy was going to leave, but he just pressed the switch. The bright light blinded his eyes for a moment, but as soon as he opened them, he saw Kim flushed and panting in front of him. Under other circumstances, the sight of junior might have excited Park, but now maknae was not himself. So, Jungsuk ignored the impertinence and decided not to interrupt him and give him a chance to speak out, if the younger man wanted to. There may not be another option.
"You think, that I was raped, like an inexperienced wench, who screamed and torn, begged for help, hah? You think that I'm a little abandoned boy, just waiting to be pitied by someone, like you? Do you think, that I'm a nonentity, who can't stand up for myself?! Is that what you think of me, hah?" the words flowed like a mad flood. A minute ago Jonghyong was trembling with fear of the proximity of his senior. And now he was ready to tear him apart from the overflowing anger. Kim felt, that he could not bear it any longer. He kept it into himself for so long. Been afraid of partners his sex for so long, that forgotten, what himself really are. He is a man, dammit, not a defenseless young lady. Now junior literally hated the entire world around him. He hated his ex, who had pulled the shit out of him, by showing him, what he was really like – a sick bastard, who got high when he was beaten half to death. He hated his Master, who had given him the confidence, that he was not ill at all, and that his desires were a perfectly normal response to certain needs, that helped him cope with the stress of everyday life. He hated his parents, who had produced a freak, like him. He hated his friend, who always had a stupid smile on his face, when he had no idea, what his childhood friend actually was like. He hated Muyong-Hyong, who had invited them to that ill-fated party, and now he was dragging after Chaebom everywhere, thus ensuring a constant presence of Park. Hated Jungsuk for his pity, concern, and desire to help. Jonghyong hated it all. The only thing, he wanted to do now, was smash something heavy on his senior's head, so that he would finally stop playing the fucking hero-lover and leave him. Left him alone in the end.
"Jonghyong, calm down, I don't think about you so at all…"
"And do you know, what I am really like, hm?" he asked, his breath hot and heavy on Jungsuk's face. Park stared into the younger man's mad, glittering eyes, but didn't move.
"You want to know, who you're so desperate to fuck, Hyong?" Jonghyong abruptly took a couple of steps away and pulled off his T-shirt in an instant, turning his back on senior. "Look!"
Jungsuk stared at the back of maknae and could not believe his eyes. The shoulder blades, part of the shoulders, and ribs were dotted… scars. There were scars of varying lengths and widths, like carvings carved into wood by an experienced hand. Jungsuk stared at the scars and didn't realize, when he was almost at the younger man's side, reaching out to touch the light lines.
"That…"
"A belt, a lash, a whip, and God knows how many other kinds of fucking devices, that my Master is happy to use on me," Jonghyong said confidently, as if with pride, without turning around. He unconsciously flexed his muscles, causing the lines on his back to move, and Jungsuk froze with his hand outstretched.
"Are you doing this consciously?" Park asked in a hoarse, barely audible voice.
"Oh yeah! And you know what…" Jonghyong suddenly turned around, causing Park's hand to twitch and fall to his hip, like a lash, "that's not all," Kim began to unbutton the belt of his jeans, while Jungsuk continued to watch his actions, as if in a trance, not moving, not blinking, not even seeming to breathe.
"Here," he said, pulling his jeans down to his knees and pointing at the pelvic bones. "My former partner…" his voice broke suddenly, and he closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath, but then came back to himself, "though, that it would be fun, that it would diversify our games."
Jungsuk stared at the small transverse scars on the younger's man pelvic bones and fought the temptation to fall to his knees and press his lips to them, in an attempt to sweep them away without a trace.
"At first, I thought, it was creepy and abnormal, but, you know, there's an advantage to this," Jonghyong spread his legs slightly, revealing the inner side of his thighs, "so sometimes I don't mind practicing this on my own, especially, when my Master doesn't have the opportunity to meet me and satisfy my desires," on both sides of junior's thighs, there were similar stripes, but deeper and longer. Some were very light, therefore long-standing, but others were slightly pinkish or even red-fresh, just healed.
Jonghyong said this with such sarcasm in his voice, that he seemed to be just joking. Now it's all going to disappear, disappear, somehow miraculously turn out to be a fucking hoax. But the scars on junior's body didn't go away, which made the reality so real and so painful.
"And this is just part of, what I allow to do with me," Jonghyong approached Jungsuk again, hissing in his ear, taking an abnormal pleasure in senior's stupor. "And you still think, that rape would break me? I'm a fucking masochist, Hyong! I love being hurt! I like to feel someone else's power. I like to know, that someone else is torturing my body, but not just it…" Jonghyong pulled back, so Jungsuk could see his face, and pointed to his head, jabbing a finger in his temple, "I like to know, that my mind doesn't belong to me. I completely disconnect. I feel such euphoria from whipping, that I'm ready to cum, as any normal person would cum from an ordinary fuck," Jonghyong tilted his head to one side, trying to make out Hyong's reaction. The guy continued to stare at him, expressionless, which only made Kim angrier.
"So, how's it, Hyong? Still, want me?" Jonghyong spread his hands, grinning, trying to arouse as much self-loathing, as possible, but senior stood there like a statue, showing no reaction. Taking that as an answer, Kim pulled on his pants and T-shirt, nodding.
"I thought so…" he picked up his phone from the bed and shot a quick glance at Hyong. Jungsuk continued to study it with an unreadable expression. As if he didn't care. As if Jonghyong hadn't said anything to him right now. Hell, junior practically bared his soul in front of that fucking Hyong. But he didn't even flinch. A new wave of anger washed over him like an avalanche, and he leaned sharply toward senior, uttering the last caustic words.
"You know, what makes me so much angers? That you're, just like everyone else… The same smug asshole, who just wants my body, like a piece of meat. Just wants to fuck me. Break me. Subdue. Make follow their own desires, regardless of mine. And you know what, fuck you, Park Jungsuk! I'm not going to fuck with you, just because you showed me some passing pity. I won't be your test subject, just because you're used to helping psychos, like me, because of your chosen profession. Because I don't need your help. I don't need anyone's help. Stay away from me! I think I've given you enough reasons to do this," Jonghyong uttered a tirade almost in a single breath, then hurriedly left the room, leaving Park in the same state of shock, that he had been in throughout maknae's monologue.
On the way writing a text message to Chaebom, that he decided to return home, Jonghyong literally jumped out of his friend's house into the street, rushing to his bike, starting the engine, and immediately snap off. The wind cooled his hot skin and swept away the tears, that had suddenly appeared on his cheeks. His eyes were blurred with moisture, and Jonghyong could have been in an accident, but he kept driving at full speed, once again escaping from the source of the problem.
Arriving home, the guy rushed to the bathroom next to his room and began to vigorously rinse his face. The tears continued to flow no matter, how many times Jonghyong brushed them away with his hands. What had he done? Why did he attack Jungsuk-Hyong so hard? After all, senior is not to blame for anything. He is not the source of his problems, he did not do anything to him, on the contrary, he tried to help and support him. Save Jonghyong from himself. Jungsuk is not the rampant tyrant, that his ex was. He won't hurt him. Never do anything, that junior doesn't like. Will never leave him. But the fear of the past continued to gnaw at the inside, not allowing to open up completely, to trust a stranger, to dedicate him to the true source of essence. Jonghyong exposed his dirty, vile, low side to Jungsuk, to push senior away from him. But as soon as he was away from Hyong, junior immediately regretted it. His own behavior was self-loathing, and the scars, he had shown Park, seemed to have sunk in, entwining not only his skin on the outside but his soul on the inside. Jonghyong felt broken. Miserable. Dirty and undeserving of assistance. A man, like Jungsuk, should not waste his time on a depraved, lowly being, like Kim. The contradictions were tearing his head apart, and he resisted the urge to scream and grab his own hair.
"Fuck!" still unable to contain himself, the younger man swore and slammed his fist directly into the mirror opposite, which immediately opened up a lot of cracks, reflecting the face of Jonghyong: mad eyes, wet bangs, flaring nostrils, wide-open mouth. Kim looked like a psychotic escapee from the hospital. And he felt the same. It was as if there were two people inside him. One of them violently pushed Jungsuk away, sticking to the recently uttered insults towards Hyong. The other was the exact opposite. He desperately wanted to go back to senior, explain everything to him, fall into his arms, and hope for salvation. Hope, that Park will accept him.
He didn't remember, how being on the floor, but he felt pain in the area of his arm. Looking up still bleary-eyed, he saw his younger brother. His eyes were filled with fear, as he slowly and carefully bandaged his Hyong's arm, muttering something. Jonghyong must have passed out, and junior found him on the bathroom floor with a broken mirror and a bleeding hand. Jeonhyun couldn't reach senior and thought, that he was just drunk. Junior turned on the water and washed the wound on Hyong's arm with a damp cloth, then began to bandage it with a light cloth, clumsily and slightly clumsily.
Jonghyong grimaced, coming to his senses.
"I'm sorry, Hyong. You scared me so much. I found you here, you didn't answer when I called you, so I had to…"
Jonghyong suddenly threw his arms around his brother, hugging him tightly, causing junior to stop in surprise. Jonghyong was a good older brother, but such displays of… tenderness were alien to him.
"Hyong…" Jeonhyun patted Hyong's head uncertainly, feeling senior shiver, as if from the cold, "are you all right? What happened?"
"It's all right, Jeonhyun-a," Jonghyong choked back another flood of tears, "it's all right," but he didn't let go of his brother.
Jonghyong is definitely not okay. He wanted to rip and throw. He didn't know, what to do. Didn't know, how to show up at Uni and look his Hyong in eyes.
Kim knew, that Jungsuk was trying to help him. But the fact is, that no one can help Jonghyong. Even himself.
***
It would have been easier for Jonghyong if Jungsuk-Hyong had hated him after junior had spilled a stream of offensive words on him at his own birthday party. It would have been easier for Jonghyong, to see the contempt and anger in Hyong's eyes. Junior wouldn't even be surprised, if Park told everyone at Uni, what Kim had told him. But Jungsuk did nothing of the kind. Every time they ran into each other at the University, which happened no matter, how hard maknae tried to avoid it, he saw only uncertainty and guilt in Jungsuk's eyes. This only made him angrier and more confused. Other's pity, which was how Jonghyong viewed Hyong's behavior, was irritating and depressing. Maknae held himself back with the last of his strength, so as not to break out again and insult Hyong in front of everyone. How could senior feel sorry for him and have any just small feelings for him, if Jonghyong had literally borne his ugly gut to him?
Chaebom constantly pestered his friend with questions about, what had happened that night, why Kim had suddenly decided to run away again. But Jonghyong just waved it off, mumbled something unintelligible, and in the end, Chaebom couldn't stand it. He saw, how depressed and devastated Jungsuk-Hyong was. How he was always so shy when he had to accidentally run into Kim on the same floor or in the courtyard of the University. As soon as Park saw the younger man approaching, he would go into a daze, then turn abruptly and walk away in the opposite direction, giving maknae a quick, pitying glance. The second, in turn, behaved similarly strangely. He strained like a string when he saw his senior in the distance, pressed his head into his shoulders as if he wanted to hide, and after Hyong left, became angry, blushing, became irritable and nervous, snapped when Chaebom tried to find out anything, that could help him find out the essence of the problem. Chaebom had already realized, that the relationship between this two was not as easy, as would have liked. Jonghyong himself had often said, that he had a strong crush on his Hyong, but for some reason, he was terribly afraid of him, and Chaebom could not understand why. And now, after Jonghyong's birthday things have only gotten worse. Muyong had no idea, what was happening to his friend, no matter, how much Chaebom tried to get information out of him. Jungsuk was silent as a fish, throwing angry glances at his best friend, after which Muyong's desire to be interested in anything disappeared, in principle. In anger Park was very convincing and scary, and Muyong did not want this quality of his friend to be directed at him. Chaebom beat around the bush for a long time, but one day he just grabbed his friend's hand and dragged him to his car, shouting to Muyong, as he went, that he would call, so that he would not wait for him.
Once inside, Jonghyong was finally able to free himself from his friend's iron grip, wrenching his hand away with such force, that the joints crunched. Chaebom might seem flighty and windy, absolutely incapable of violence in any form. But if he wanted something, he always got it, even in this vandalistic way. Besides, Kim simply felt, that he was no longer able to stand up to his friend. He was tired. Although, in truth, he could easily fuck Chaebom away, and a friend couldn't have kept him. But something inside broke, when the serious gaze of his best friend stared into Kim's eyes, forcing him to give up and follow him to the car, then stay, where he was, without the desire to leave.
"If you don't tell me, what the hell is going on with you two right now, I'll tie you up and torture you, until I get a confession out of you!"
Jonghyong chuckled at Chaebom's angry tirade. His friend's threats made him laugh a little. If Chaebom had known, what his friend did in his spare time, he would have realized, that such words would not have the slightest effect on Kim.
"Noth…"
"If you dare to say 'nothing' again, I'll hit you," Chaebom made a funny fist and held it up to his friend's cheekbone. Jonghyong sighed. He still hasn't dared to share with Kim the fact, that he dared to tell his senior. Then it was a surge of emotion, an adrenaline rush, based on fear and anger. But now, in the small car's interior, Kim felt insecure again. His hobbies, or rather his propensities for certain things, could not pass for a normal hobby, that the average person is interested in. Someone could point a finger at junior and openly call him sick, and Jonghyong couldn't blame them for that. Watching Hyong's reaction from afar for several days, Kim felt disgusting. He wished a hundred times, that he hadn't revealed this side of himself to Park. And he didn't want, that Chaebom to be the next person, who would also change his attitude to him, if he found out the truth: feel sorry for him, behave in a certain way, constantly stare at his friend, as if he were an idiot, and even worse, turn away from him, saying, that he didn't want to know him anymore. All these assumptions made Jonghyong press his lips together and remain silent, staring out of the window.
"Jonghyong-e," Chaebom began softly, as he saw, that his best friend was close to him, hiding in the seat, and struggling to control himself. "Look, I can see, something's going on with you. And I don't think, it's just about Jungsuk-Hyong, right?"
Jonghyong nodded slightly, but still remained silent.
"I don't like, that you hiding something from me. After all, we're best friends. I've known you all my life. Hell, we were sitting next to each other on pots. I know all about you. There is nothing, that can surprise me. Believe me."
"You're wrong, my friend," said Kim, his voice hoarse with a slight grin. "You don't know the half of me. And you'd better stay in the dark. I'm far from sociable, but I don't want to lose my only friend to stupid prejudices."
Chaebom's eyes widened. This was not the answer, that he had expected. He had known Kim all his life and had no idea, that he could have missed something. Of course, they had certain innuendos and omissions, just like any friends. Who doesn't have it, right? But such a serious and thoughtful response from a friend made Chaebom feel… resentment.
"You don't trust me that much, hah?" Chaebom sat back from Jonghyong, folding his arms across his chest. "You think, there's something, that might make me give you up? Well, Kim Jonghyong, you don't understand a damn thing, okay?! There is nothing in the world, that will make me change my attitude towards you. I love you like a brother. Should there be secrets between brothers?!" Chaebom's voice was several tones higher, than his own. Kim knew, that this must be something serious if Jonghyong didn't want to talk about it or even touch on it. But the guy was so hurt, that he could not hold his own emotions.
"That's not it, Chaebom-a," Jonghyong suddenly turned to face his friend, and in his eyes, Chaebom saw the fear. "I don't want, that you to think of me… abnormal."
"I'll never think you're crazy. Although sometimes you behave like a nut, this is your usual state," Chaebom suddenly grinned, which caused Jonghyong to chuckle in response. The atmosphere of understatement and tension gradually faded, and it became easier to breathe in the previously stuffy cabin.
"In vain," Kim whispered, closing his eyes, and then felt a light touch on his hair. Opening his eyes again, junior saw the serious expression on his best friend's face, the confidence in his gaze, and felt calm.
"Please, you can tell me everything. I will never leave you alone, even if you killed someone. I'll even help you bury a corpse," another joke came out of Chaebom's mouth, and Jonghyong nudged him on the shoulder, smiling. Chaebom's ease never disappeared, even when he started talking about serious topics.
"It's a long story…" Kim is still trying to delay the moment of truth.
"We're in no hurry," Chaebom said and settled into the driver's seat.
"Not here."
Chaebom nodded and immediately started up, starting the engine and steering the car toward the main road. He was going to take Jonghyong home and listen to everything, that he had to say. Jonghyong wasn't a very outspoken guy at all, so Chaebom needed to seize the moment as soon, as possible, before Kim changed his mind and brought the conversation to a standstill.
Upon arriving home, the guys went up to Chaebom's room. Jonghyong hesitated in the doorway, as if for the first time. As soon as he glanced at Chaebom's bed, he remembered, how he had woken up and seen Jungsuk, sitting next to him, how he had felt his touch in sleep, how the weight of his body felt strange but pleasant at the same time.
"Well, what are you standing for? Like never been here before," Chaebom flunked on the bed and gestured a hand to the seat next to him. Jonghyong hesitantly stepped into the room and moved closer to the bed, but at the last moment changed his mind and sat down on a chair next to it.
"Chaebom…" Kim lowered his head and stared at his hands, which were immediately sweating with uncertainty and waves of fear.
"Kim Jonghyong, I swear, if you say, that you've changed your mind now, I'll beat you up for sure!"
Jonghyong squeezed his eyes shut so hard, that white spots began to appear in front of his eyes. He still wasn't sure, if he was doing the right thing, by sharing with his friend a sordid past and equally disgusting present. But not for the first time junior found himself, that so tired of fighting it alone. After all, no one knew anything about his real self. Even to Jungsuk, he did not tell everything, only wanting to provoke a certain reaction from senior to unpleasant details. Jonghyong was completely alone. He had no one to share his problems with, no one to turn to, when the next paranoia hit him, no one to stand by when the waves of panic pulled him down into their depths.
Taking a last deep breath, Kim said, "I think, you should get us something to drink. Because I can't guarantee you a normal conversation when we're sober."
***
It was several weeks after Jonghyong was able to open up to his friend. Talk about the past and present. At first, Kim couldn't find the right words, to express everything, he wanted to say. And what words will be correct and appropriate to tell… such. But as the monologue progressed, as the bottles of alcohol were emptied, which invariably arrived in the friend's room, Jonghyong's tongue was loosened, and tears sometimes came to his eyes. Chaebom listened carefully, not interrupting, sometimes only widening his eyes in shock at certain points and rubbing his hands on his pants, to get rid of the unpleasant stickiness and humidity on his palms. When Kim burst into tears, Chaebom couldn't believe his eyes. It was the first time he had seen his friend in such a depressed and broken state. Even as a child, as long as Chaebom could remember, Jonghyong never cried, never allowed himself to be weak, at least, not in his presence. Jonghyong was terrified, that his best friend would leave him. Would be ashamed of their friendship. Curse everything, that once bound them. But all Chaebom did, was… hugged Kim and immediately felt, that a shiver runs through his body. Jonghyong burst into another flood of tears of relief, unable to calm down until almost evening. Chaebom had to hold him in his hands and stroke his hair, face, back, and hands for quite a long time, until the friend passed out, in the process of talking still moving to the bed right in his University uniform. Chaebom carefully covered him with a blanket and, collecting all the garbage in the room, quietly went outside.
Chaebom couldn't say, that Jonghyong's story didn't startle him. Yes, indeed! Chaebom was taken aback. He couldn't say a word, just listened, knowing, that any careless question might provoke an abnormal reaction from his best friend. Chaebom still didn't know, how to accept the flood of information, that Jonghyong poured on him, how to deal with it, what to do and how to behave in such a situation. It will not be easy to quietly look at Kim now, that Chaebom knew the truth about him. A lot of things have become clear to him now. Why did Jonghyong never undress in public or use the shared shower at Uni, even he took separate baths with him, although, it seemed, what they did not see each other? The scars, that covered most of Jonghyong's back, did not him get naked in public. Chaebom understood, why Kim was so sullen, withdrawn, and uncommunicative. Why did he not start serious relationships with members of his own sex and did not seek to have affairs with girls. And many similar questions immediately became clear as soon, as Chaebom found out the truth. He'd be lying, if he said, that it didn't scare him. Wish Chaebom pull the plug on all, that was said, forget it and pretend, that nothing happened. But in reality, this does not happen. In reality, Chaebom will have to work on himself just as much, as Kim tried to work on his own self, to accept the essence, that lay deep inside his best friend. But the only thing, he was sure of, was, that he wasn't going to fuck up his friendship with his childhood best friend, just because some bastard had broken him, wasn't going to leave him and give up on him. Chaebom even partly blamed himself, for not being able to be there at that unfortunate moment and help, save Jonghyong from a similar fate. But what's done is done. And Chaebom's main task at the moment is to support and pay attention to his best friend.
"It's Jungsuk-Hyong's birthday soon," Chaebom said carefully, as he and Jonghyong sat in the dining room during a break.
Senior's name made him tense. Kim braced himself and shook his head slightly, pushing away the oppressive thoughts.
"Are you … going to congratulate him?" Chaebom asked, still looking at his friend warily.
"Chaebom, don't have to act like this!" Jonghyong could not stand it and slightly shouted at his friend. He knew from the beginning, that will be the case – the ratio of Chaebom to him will surely change. And that weighed on Kim. Chaebom didn't spit in his face, kick him out or leave him, which was already a huge improvement in their situation. But the tension, that arose the next morning after that, every conversation was present and did not subside as quickly, as would have liked.
"How?" Chaebom asked.
"Like I'm a lunatic, just waiting to stick a fork in your forehead," Jonghyong said, twirling the fork warily next to Chaebom's head, and Chaebom snorted in response.
"Sorry," the guy said conceding defeat, "I just didn't know, how to approach this topic, after what you told me. You made it clear, that you don't want to get close to Jungsuk-Hyong. But Muyong-Hyong will definitely be at his birthday, and I would have to go too, so I…"
"Assumed, that I would go with you, as usual. I understand," he considered his friend's words. Kim had actually threatened senior to stay away from him. But the guilt hadn't left him since that day. He would like to apologize for, what he said. Hundreds of times during these weeks Jonghyong typed a message in the chat, to at least write something to senior. But all the words seemed meaningless and stupid, and in the end, Jonghyong just erased it, blocked the phone, and left this crazy idea. It didn't feel right to be near senior again, after all, that had happened. But the masochist inside Jonghyong did not allow the situation to be let go just like that. Jonghyong was constantly thinking about Hyong. Intimate images haunted him more often than before. There was also a constant sense of guilt. Jonghyong tortured himself day after day, again and again. And he seemed to take a peculiar pleasure in it. Any normal person would have apologized long ago or simply forgotten something, that didn't matter to. But Kim was shamefully aware, that Hyong still meant more to him than he had ever imagined. And what he had done gnawed at his brain, eating it with a teaspoon, bringing the suffering, that junior reveled in, punishing himself in this way for his behavior with Jungsuk. To meet him again in an informal setting, was to make a specific decision. And maknae wasn't sure, he was ready for this.
"Hey!" Chaebom's loud voice snapped him out of his own thoughts. He saw, his friend waving vigorously for Muyong-Hyong. Maknae's eyes widened, as he saw Jungsuk following senior. As soon as he met Kim's startled gaze, Hyong, as usual, froze in place, wondering, what to do. When faced in the corridors, Park could simply change direction, to avoid direct contact with Jonghyong. He didn't want to be the cause of junior's breakdown again. After that evening Jungsuk thought a lot and decided… to leave maknae, as he had asked. Not that he wanted to. Jungsuk still felt attracted to this young man. But now this feeling was supplemented by a desire to protect and support. Jungsuk would like to erase all the terrible Jonghyong's memories, make his life brighter and more joyful. But the thing is, maknae made it clear, that he didn't need senior's help. He doesn't want anything to do with it. And Park couldn't blame junior for that. His fear did not allow him to trust an outsider, and Jungsuk thought, it would be wiser… retreat. At least, until Kim comes to his senses and is probably in the mood for at least a constructive conversation. But in all this time Jonghyong has not made it clear, that he is ready to do this. So Park just followed his request.
Jungsuk whispered something in Muyong's ear and handed him his tray, taking a small sandwich from it, then headed out of the dining room. Muyong just took a deep breath and sat down next to Chaebom.
"Why… Hyong was gone?" the question escaped before Kim managed to bite his tongue. For a moment he was afraid again when he saw Jungsuk, but then he decided, that, if he sat down with Muyong-Hyong next to him and Chaebom, Jonghyong would have a chance to defuse the situation, before he actually decided to take action. But Jungsuk left as soon, as he saw junior.
"You know better!" Muyong barked unconsciously, drawing a look of displeasure from his boyfriend. Jonghyong nodded sadly. It was a stupid question.
"Sorry," he apologized suddenly, running a hand through his hair, "just… He hasn't been himself lately. And the fact, that he doesn't say anything, is annoying. I know, you're the reason for that, that's why I was so rude. Sorry. You know…" Muyong closed his eyes, "he's my best friend. And I don't like when he acts… like that."
"I understand," Jonghyong nodded guiltily and, clenching his fists, to gather the courage, that was about to slip away, rose from the table. "I'll leave you, guys. Chaebom, I'll see you at the pair."
"Hah?" before Chaebom could do anything, Kim was already running out of the dining room, taking his things with him. "Don't throw yourself at him like that," he said to his boyfriend. "I understand, that you are worried about Jungsuk-Hyong. But trust me, Jonghyong has his own reasons for behaving like this."
"You know," Muyong rubbed his chin thoughtfully, "Jungsuk told me the same thing."
Chaebom nodded and smiled, immediately forgetting, that he had been angry with his boyfriend a moment ago.
"Did you tell him about Jungsuk's birthday?" Muyong asked, sipping his juice through a straw.
"Yes, but he hasn't said anything yet. I don't think, that we should get into this," Chaebom said, chewing on his sandwich, which made his speech seem a little slurred.
"Damn, feel like I'm in a cheap melodrama," Muyong pretended to cover his eyes with his hand.
"You can't even imagine," Chaebom said, but deep down he was concerned. He was sure, that Kim had gone off after Hyong, and God knows what might happen between them again…
"Jungsuk-Hyong!" Jonghyong caught up with Jungsuk on the way out. Park was going to go outside for a bite to eat, then go to the auditorium, to wait for Muyong there. He is not expected, that maknae will follow him.
"Did you call me?" Jungsuk turned and stare at the younger man with a casual expression, even though everything inside him was cheering and shouting with joy. It was the first time Jonghyong had spoken to him since the incident that evening.
"Why did you leave? There was plenty of room at the table," he wanted to laugh at himself. He certainly shouldn't be asking such questions.
"I didn't want to burden you with my presence," as much as Park didn't want to be closer to junior now, he took a couple of steps back with an effort, and the words came so hard, that he wanted to swear. Perhaps, the senior's behavior might have seemed unreasonable. He should have been glad, that Jonghyong had spoken to him. But not in this case. Kim was a special and complex person. He made it clear, what he wanted. And Jungsuk tried to follow his wishes, so as not to alienate him even more. That's why he waited, hoping. Jonghyong attempted to communicate on his own. And the next solidifying step was to be taken exactly by him.
"Hyong, I'm sorry," the words came out easier than Kim had imagined. He was so afraid to speak to Hyong, that he pointedly ignored him the entire time.
"For what?" Jungsuk's neat brows arched up.
"Aish, fuck, you know for what! Don't pretend, that nothing happened!" feigned surprise Jungsuk angered maknae, and he again could not restrain himself from having another outburst.
"First, you apologize, then you start provoking a quarrel again. Jonghyong-a, think properly, what exactly do you want from me?" Jungsuk unconsciously approached junior. They were standing in a corridor, where anyone could see, but Jonghyong didn't have the strength to move a step away. The closeness of Hyong, which he hadn't felt in a few fucking weeks, gripped him with a new force.
"I…" his throat was suddenly dry, and there were no words left. Kim stared into the soft blue glow of Jungsuk's eyes and for the first time felt no threat.
"I can't pretend, that nothing happened between us. I can't forget, what you showed and told me, Jonghyong," Hyong said seriously, still standing next to maknae, but not touching him. "But if you tried to make me feel disgusted about you, then your idea failed miserably. I've stayed away from you all this time, just because you asked me to. I've told you before, and I'll tell you again, that I will never hurt you. Only…" Hyong moved closer and whispered the last words in his ear, making Kim's knees buckle, "if you don't ask for it yourself."
Having said that, Jungsuk recoiled from maknae as suddenly, as it had approached. Jonghyong watched. How senior walk away, and couldn't decide, whether he wanted: to catch up with Hyong again and beg to fuck him or hide in the nearest corner from the sudden rush of embarrassment and excitement.
How he would like to make a decision right here and now, regardless of all his fears, prejudices, and phobias. But Jonghyong could not change himself. It's too late for that. He is broke down a long time ago. It is unlikely to accept and understand a person, like him. But Jungsuk tried. Desperately trying to break through Kim's defenses. And each time he managed it more and more. Jonghyong shamefully admitted, that despite all the words, that he had said to Hyong, his fear and uncertainty, he still wanted his senior, this had not changed. On the contrary, only got stronger. But the problem, that makes Jonghyong repel the proximity of Jungsuk, has not gone away. He still couldn't quite trust himself to the mercy of someone else's hands. Trust was too important to Kim. And no matter, how hard he tried, no matter, how much Kim wanted to, he couldn't trust Hyong. Not so much. Not yet. But Jonghyong knew, that he would not budge and that he would drive himself further into a corner if he did not overcome his demons.
The younger man took his phone out of his pants pocket and ran his finger over the screen, searching for a specific contact. When he found, what he was looking for, he typed a couple of lines and quickly clicked the "Send" button, before he could change his mind. He must. Must to get overcome it. Otherwise, Jonghyong will never be able to free himself, overcome by panic every time, when any man shows a little interest in him. But at the moment Jungsuk couldn't help him. There was only one person, which Kim could trust.
JOHN, "Blake-Hyong. I need your help."