"It doesn't matter what I do or what I choose, I'm what's wrong. There's nothing I can do about it. If I'm not hurting myself, I'm hurting everyone around me. There's nothing I can do about it. I'm... I'm broken." Your voice echoes inside your head.
That was the day I lost everything. "That's the problem, I... I don't hate you. Because if I hate you, then I have nothing left. I'll do whatever you want. Just please stay. You're my home." You can still see the tears in his eyes, as he begged you to stay, as if it was yesterday.
You still remember the way the car bonnet collided with his fragile body. He flew in the sky as if he weighed nothing. That night has scarred you for the rest of your pathetic life. You blamed yourself. If only you didn't run across the road to get away from him. If only he didn't run after you. If only.
The words your mother spoke still pained you. "He's not coming back. When we lose someone. When someone dies, they're gone. Forever. And there is nothing, there is nothing, nothing we can do that is going to bring them back."
You fly awake from the same dreadful dream you have been having almost every night. "No!" You scream, still half-awake. The door to your bedroom flies open and in comes your brother, rushing to your side to comfort you.
He holds you in his arms, whispering sweet words to sooth you. "Shh. It's okay, shh. Everything's okay. You're safe. Don't cry. Please don't cry." Your hands fist his shirt and you sob on his chest. He continues to comfort you until your breathing becomes steady.
"Thank you, Sungmin." You can't help but feel grateful towards your brother for all the things he's done for you. "Thank you for helping me."
She shakes his head, still rubbing your back. "What type of brother would I be if I didn't?" He kisses the crown of your head and tuck you back in your bed. Your brother caresses your cheek before standing up. "Get some sleep. Okay?" His brows knit together in worry. You smile and nod with a sniffle.
The next morning, you walk the streets of Seoul deep in thoughts. You stop and wait to cross the road. You look up just for a spit second and you swear you saw his beautiful midnight orbs looking back at you. The traffic lights sound and everyone rushes across to the other side. His face disappears beyond the masses of different, unfamiliar, faces. You run across, desperate to find him but to no avail.
When you get home, you feel your heart sink deeper. You go to the kitchen, grab a bottle of water from the fridge and gulp it down. You feel somewhat calmer when you feel the coolness of the water glide down your throat.
Your brother's voice brings you back to reality. "The principle called, he wants you back by next week." You gulp as the sentence hits you like a ton of bricks.
"I'm not going." You manage to mumble a reply. You can feel his glare burn holes in the back of your head. "I don't care what you say, I'm not going. I can't bear to see eyes filled with pity looking at me. I feel like I'm being stripped when they look at me like that. I'm not going, I won't go."
You hear your brother sigh behind you. A hand on your shoulder turns you round. "Seo-yeon, don't destroy your education because of him." You feel like your brothers staring straight into your soul.
You feel a lump in your throat and you try to swallow it down. "You can't make me go." You say stubbornly. He raises a brow, clearly irritated by your bratty attitude.
"Don't disappoint me, Seo-yeon." He uses the advantage of knowing your biggest fear. Your shoulders slump and you hang your head. "Mom and Dad would be so disappointed in you if they saw you right now. Make them, make me, us, proud."
"I'm scared." You snap back at him. "He's not going to be here to protect me from all the monsters anymore. Who will I have when I go back to the shithole?" You sob. He sees your body shake and instantly feels guilty. Sungmin drapes his arm around your shoulders and pulls you close to him.
"Shh, it's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. I just want what's best for you. You can't throw away your education because of him. You need a life. We can't continue living on Mom and Dads inheritances all our lives. You need to live your life."
The next week you find yourself getting up and ready to walk to school. You only agreed because you can't bare to see your brother, or anyone for that matter, disappointed in you.
Your brother smiles at you, as you enter the kitchen, fully dressed and ready for the day ahead. He doesn't say anything but pats you on the shoulder as he leaves for work.
After eating breakfast, you head out for school. The autumn leaves slowly fall down onto the ground in front of you. Autumn leaves have always mesmerized you. They go through so much and in the end they always give up. But in a few weeks, they're reborn and alive. They sway in the wind, going back and forth. Nobody takes notice of them, except you. You smile as one flutters past your face. How beautiful, you think to yourself.
You weren't watching where you were going and you stumbled after tripping over a stick on the floor. Your arms fly out ready for the impacted but it never comes. You open your eyes and feel arms wrapped around your waist from behind. Your heart beats fast and you smell the familiar scent of orange and citrus with a hint of cinnamon.
"Long time no see, baby doll." You feel his breath fan your neck and you grimace. You shake your head, trying to get his voice out of your head. A single tear trickles down your cheek.
"No, no you're dead. You died." You whisper to yourself. "Get out of my head, please get out." You cry out. His body shakes behind you while he chuckles. Feeling light headed, you slump in his arms.
"Seo-yeon, are you okay?" You hear his voice begin to fade away. He helps you to sit down on a bench somewhere near you. "Hey, Seo-yeon, open your eyes." Your eyes flutter open by his command. Your breath hitches when his face comes into view.
Park Jimin. No you died. I saw you die. I saw you take your last breath.