"I can't believe you're actually leaving." Kane said as he joined me at the balcony. My friends and I had decided to celebrate since my friend and I were leaving for the US in the next 24 hours. Fear and excitement had settled into my mind and heart yet I was ready. Or at least I hoped I was.
"I don't know Kane. I had spent years… years hoping I would be able to for fill this dream but now that it's so close. I wonder if I can do this." I murmured as I continued to stare at the view before me.
"We've talked about this several times. You know you have my support and I might be far away for you to reach me but I'm never too far to talk to." he said as he leaned on the balcony.
"I'm terrified Kane. You've seen the decisions I've made before. I've lost people, dreams and I've been so disappointed. What if- "
"What if this works and you become the best-selling author. What if this works and you become the owner of an orphanage. What if this works and you become a freaking business woman. Life isn't easy and yes, you've been through it all but it's time to truly try again. Alone." He cut me off.
Alone.
That was what I was terrified about having to do this by myself with no words to be whispered in my ear. No words to reassure. No one to guide me…to teach me. I would be completely alone.
"We've been through crap, you more than me but believe me when I say God never leaves you stranded even if you feel alone. I know you have faith but do you really want fear to hold you down." He said
"But Kane right here I have people, friends, family and more. I won't ever get lost. I am…"
"Comfortable and because you are comfortable, you are stuck. You can't move. You aren't inspired. You aren't fully you. You've lost it and now you don't even know the taste of passion. Of joy. Of- "
"Love." I cut him. "I don't know the true feeling of love."
"So, you don't remember the feeling of being loved because you are so used to the hurt. I think its time you found yourself again. Otherwise you'll forever be holding onto what you lost and looking at the old flame with an obsession to feed him your pain. And you can guess what will happen…"
"He won't care." I whispered as I turned to look at the glass window only to see him, the one I had loved before look at someone else with a deeper kind of passion I had once received before. I knew her as a friend before and now she loved my ex. There wasn't anger only…nothing.
"When you look at that what do you feel?"
"Numbness. Absolute numbness." I murmured. I laid my hand right above my chest where my heart beat. Steady it beat, not like before when I used to see him. Steady it laid, not like before when it used to be uncomfortable almost like it was for him.
"When you return you will be different and I will be here waiting. Remember that." He said with a big smile.
"How did I get such an amazing friend?" I asked with a small smile.
"You mean brother."
"Definitely. I would hug you but it's at night and I don't want to disrespect your girl." I said with a smile. Indicating to Candy who was looking for him inside until they made eye contact and she smiled. we acknowledged each other with a nod and I pushed Kane towards the door to go to her. Turning back, I leaned onto the balcony again. I needed to take it all in. my home, my country so familiar…so…
"So, you're really leaving…" someone said I turned to find him there. Those Hazel eyes were my everything once upon a time. I thought I saw my future…in those eyes and that smile.
Oh, how wrong I was.
"Samuel." I murmured, his name not unfamiliar to my tongue but the feelings now an outcast.
"How are you feeling about this?" he asked as he came closer holding out a drink for me.
"Thank you. I'm feeling…overwhelmed…scared but so freaking ready to start over even if there's just a small timeframe.
"But are you ready?" he rephrased. Cocking an eyebrow with a slow smirk. That killer combination before would have had me melting.
"I thought the same thing before when I met you and the wondered was I ready to love you. Again, a couple of months later. Again… when everyone was against us and you joined in. I think its time we rephrased that question. It should be am I ready to endure despite uncertainty." I said as I looked him in the eye. I stepped closer to him and reached out to him. Wanting to feel his skin one more time, the temptation so…deep.
"Elihle…" he whispered with a slight warning. I laid my hand on his cheek.
"I spent years crying over you. Years changing for you. Sacrificed everything for you but despite everything I'm so grateful to you. The woman that stands before you is stronger and she owes you for that. I will forever love you but at the same time if I stay, I will forever have to forgive you. So yes, I'm ready." I said with a small smile and stepped back. I turned to see my friend staring at us by the door.
My friend your lover.
"Take care of him. He can be extremely stubborn." I said to her with a smile then walked away.
I heard a clink from the side of the table and turned to see Euriel standing with a glass raised.
"I and Elihle have been hoping for years especially since the pandemic to leave. It's been her deepest heart's desire for this and my heart's desire to see more. Right now, there's a lot going through our minds and heart. Will we be safe? Will we be mistreated for being black and women? Will we be able to live our dreams? Here's the answer. We don't know. We couldn't but with God we'll figure it out. Eli?" she looked at me to continue.
"A lot of you have been with me, spent time with me and seen my daily different versions of tears. My outbursts my pain…" I said and my eyes landed on him. "But I have endured and God help anyone that gets in my way of happiness. Peace. Love. I will still miss you crazies but it is time to say… Goodbye even if it's just for a bit." Removing my eyes of him I raised my glass.
"To new beginnings."
"TO NEW BEGINNINGS!" they cheered.