There were so many rules and I didn't think I'd remember them all. Though all of us were from different parts of South Africa, I think we all understood things differently. Especially since we all grew up in different cultures and guidance. Yesterday, I saw that clash very well. I and Natasha understood certain things very well because we were both Melanins. Yet Alex and Nicole clashed a lot with us, we spent over 30 minutes arguing with them over four rules.
For instance, disciplining a child for us is a huge thing but from what we've seen on television, melanin's could be charged easily here. Most importantly, killed without a second thought. So a part of us feared for our lives but we understood that the program did protect us from racial injustices and so forth. When it came to Alex and Nicole they wouldn't have to face this, that was a privilege they would forever benefit from.
Now because of that, I found myself thinking about my family especially my mother. Begging me not to leave because she feared that my body would return in a box. She feared her child dying where she couldn't at least try and get to her in an instant. My friends having actually said a permant goodbye and not one that is temporary. I feared for my own heart, having never had a chance to finally breathe in a dream for love and opportunity but being killed for it. My little diaries serving as crumbles of what I was.
My sinful thoughts.
My desire to live being buried.
I found myself more and more thinking about my life. Having achieved nothing but being able to fill heaven with rivers and oceans of my tears. Lightning and thunder filling the earth with my screams and sobs. Earth quakes and hurricanes unraveling the earth until I could forgive them for what they've done to my very being. My innocence being wasted not because I was taught to be a saint but being wasted because my time was sabotaged. The wisest words I would've ignored would've been 'time is precious make the most of it'. Instead, I chose to be good because good means…enough for people that don't even know you.
"You're really thinking about this?" Natasha said as she sat next to me, handing me a cup of coffee. The smell immediately calming my nerves and mind. "It did the trick?"
"You have no idea." I murmured, bringing the heated cup to my lips and sipping slowly. The taste was too foreign but it did the job. "Which coffee is this?"
"I don't know, we are probably going to have to learn about all these things…it's going to take us a while that's for sure." She shrugged.
"We're used to adapting. We've done it many times in our country, we'll do it here. We have no choice but to." I said.
"Do you think we'll last?" she asked after a while, I raised my eyebrow unsure what she meant. "It's pretty clear Alex and Nicole have a benefit here. A privilege that we melanins aren't given from the day we're born. In our country, it����s a bit easier, here…our backs aren't covered but portrayed like arrow boards."
"We'll be fine," I answered not wanting to dwell on the dark thoughts.
"How do you know?" she asked, her cup suddenly shaking in her hands. "I don't want to go home cause of fear but I don't want to die in a strange man's land. I have a family, a man waiting for me to return. Elihle I lied on my resume, I do have a daughter, I came here to make some money and gain some education. I need to return alive." She began to cry.
"Natasha!" I snapped then looked around to see if we had drawn attention. "You need to calm down. Firstly, you shouldn't have lied about that, you know you can't be an au pair if you have a child. Secondly, we will be fine and yes this is scary. We are far away from any support unlike before. It is scary I know that, I don't want to return home in a body bag because a cop feared the color of my skin or even because he made a mistake. But remember, our country has had issues that are bad as well, young women being killed and raped. Every country has its issues but not all expose what it is. The important thing to do. Is remember why the hell we make certain decision's and we fight to continue with them. Life with fear isn't living but draining… don't kill your aspirations before anything. You fight as our fathers and mothers as theirs have."
She nodded her head, "Yes." She whispered.
"Do we understand?" I repeated.
"Yes."
"I don't know whether to snitch or own both of your souls." We heard a voice say, we froze and slowly turned our heads.
Shit,
Alex.