Hi Diary, it has been a while. Schools are closed and we open on the 10th of April. I have had a boyfriend who takes a lot from schedule, not that I had much of a schedule to begin with. Lissa was right, with Dean, I was in trouble. I fell hard, I am so into Dean, so much so that I can't separate us two. I can't tell which of him is me and me is him.
I met Dean's family, his parents are divorced, so I met his mother and sisters, both younger than him and they absolutely adore me. They welcomed me with open arms. Dean's mother, who's name is Patricia, took me under her wing. His sisters told me embarrassing things about Dean and his face got red. Then he showed me his room, which was painted blue and his bed had a navy duvet, I got real acquainted with his bed( we made out) and feeling Dean on top of me as we kissed was a new level of intense I had never experienced. Then we talked for hours and he opened up about his dad and how he resents him and his new family and how he feels responsible for his sisters and mom. I know what you're also wondering, diary, why did Dean take the bus this whole time when he now drives me to school and back, wellll he said he took the bus because he saw me once and he just had to know me. How romantic???
Anyway we have spent every waking second together except the days I am at school which is when I spend time with Melissa, Amy and Jade, where we all play pranks on each other. I swapped prefect partners so that Cassandra was with Scott and I with Dean (not my Dean, the annoying two stepping Dean). My mom also met Dean and she loved him, I think she loved him more because he was white and assumed he would be a perfect gentleman and wouldn't try to sleep with her sweet virginal daughter, little did she know that my virginity had been up for discussion and it was getting harder and harder for me to hold on to it. Dean was very persuasive when he wanted to. And everyone at School knows that I am the black girl dating the hot white guy from our enemy school. No one knows how I landed him. I don't know how I landed him. Billie screamed when I introduced her to him. She screamed right in his face and fanned herself. I completely understood. The only annoying thing is everywhere Dean and I go, people stare, we were the interracial couple. It was like we were freaks and people watched how we interacted, you could almost hear them gasping every time Dean kissed me or touched me. Like they expected us to kiss in different way because we were black and white. I don't know.
Of course Dean and I have had our fights, what kind of couple would we be if we didn't fight?But Last week we had the biggest fight…
Dean wanted me to watch his first gane for the season and I wanted to go watch my school's First team rugby game, the first game for 2012. And I was in matric. It was my last time to see them play for the first time. The two games were on the same day. Dean wanted his girlfriend there, I wanted to go support my school. It caused a horrible fight. Dean even went so far as to break up with me because he thought I didn't care. I cried all night and longed for my Dean. The break up lasted for about 9 hours before Dean realised us being apart was not working for him too. We managed to work out a plan since our school's game was later in the day, I watched Dean's game first and when he was done, we drove to my school and made it in time for my School's first team game. Everyone screamed when Dean and I arrived at the school stands, they were so happy to see us(well mostly me). Dean hadn't even changed out of his rugby kit which was stained with grass and dirt. He wore his addidas sliders. He really did look good. Amy had snuck in alcohol, and she poured some in the water bottle I borrowed from Dean, so during the game, we were loud and unnecessary but the teachers didn't notice our disruptive behaviour was alcohol induced. After the game, we all went to my house to go chill. My mom who loves it when the house is full, it gives her an excuse to fret over my friends and to clean up after us. We had brought almost all the matrics to our house to splash in the pool and drink beer. Dean had gone home to shower and change, I tried to beg him to stay and he suggested I go with him to help him clean himself and I was oh so tempted. I blushed and stared at my feet while his blue eyes pierced my face. I mean I didn't have to have sex with him, I could get in the shower with him…Could we control ourselves? When I had gathered enough courage to look at him he was grinning so I knew he was joking and then I got mad at him because Dean was not a virgin. He had given it up when he was 16. But the idea of sleeping with me was a joke to him. I told him to go and he blinked, confused by my sudden coldness. He left. Amy, jade, melissa and Billie were in my room looking for things to swim in. My mood brightened when I saw them that I didn't even mind lending out my cute clothes that I knew later on I would regret. Lending out clothes can cause major resentment, especially when people don't return them and "forget" to bring them or when they bring back your clothes in a different condition from when they took it from you. But our team had won, my friends were here, I had a handsome, sweet boyfriend (who though sleeping with me was a joke) and the sky was blue. So I was happy. The girls aww-ed when they saw some of Dean's things in my room, like a Teddy Bear I called Barry that he had given me, and his sweater that was slung on my chair. I also had his school blazer hanging on my wardrobe door knob. Once everyone had an outfit, we went out, we passed my sister who was sitting in the living room trying to watch Muvhango. The TV volume was loud, drowning out the noise outside. When we got outside, I saw cassandra and Scott had arrived. Cassandra who had been sitting on Scott's lap, bounded up to us. It still felt weird with Scott, obviously I loved Dean… But the feelings for Scott hadn't disappeared. He had been willing to leave Cassandra for me. Did I make the wrong choice by letting him go? Even so… I couldn't picture my life without Dean now. So there was no use for coulda, shoulda, woulda. But something was definitely different with Scott and Cassandra, before they had seemed like the cute puppy dog love. Now it was intense, like somehow they had formed a deeper connection, like there was a secret that they only shared.
Cassandra blurted out that her and Scott had finally Did it. Yes. They did it. Wow. Kind of explains why I had been noticing they had changed.
" It was painful the first few times… But now… it's actually good. It's all I wanna do" She gushed.
I literally felt like clawing out my ears so I could unhear this. I won't lie, hearing this kind of hurt… I thought I had meant something to Scott… But I had no right to be mad…. I didn't know.
Then everyone was sharing their escapades. Apparently Jade wasn't a virgin anymore also, she had given it up to her bf.
"Sooooo Thandi? What about you? Have you and Dean? You know?" Amy asked, wiggling her brows suggestively.
" No guys" I mumbled.
"Oh my word, really??? I thought you guys had! The way you are around each other" Jade said
"And how on earth do you control yourself with that guy? He is too sexy. Hmm" Melissa was practically growling.
I laughed at her" Girl, relax… We have done other things… Like-" I lowered my voice and the girls leaned in,"- I have touched it and he is very well endowed. "
Everyone cackled, Jade was on her back her legs in the air as she laughed delightedly. The guys looked at us curiously. The fools. They probably thought we were talking about Twilight and if we were team Edward or Jacob. They didn't even know.
"But… I mean… I think it will happen soon. I literally cannot resist him any longer.I guess I am just scared. Like Dean wants to travel after he matriculates… and I want to study. Our future is not certain you know. And I already love him so much, but there is a part of me that is still holding on to that ledge that doesn't want to completely fall in love because I know… If I give that boy all of me, it will either be the best thing for me or the worst. Do you know what I mean?"
They all looked at me nodding with understanding.
"SO what do I do?" I asked them.
Jade shrugged and said," Like you said Thandi, the future is not certain. Carpe Diem. "
Cassandra nudges me,"Speak of the devil" She gestures with her chin and I follow her eyes and I see Dean pulling up in our drive way. I release a breath I hadn't realized I had been holding when I see him. You know how I used to say that whenever Scott was in a room, he was kind of in your face because he was The Sun… well lately, Dean has been becoming kind or hard to not notice. Not because he was hot, but because, suddenly he was hard not to notice. I always gravitated towards him. It's like something drew me to him. Something in him called me to him and I couldn't fight it. Even though he was talking to my mother who had run out to go hug him before he had even put his car on Park because she hadn't seen him earlier. Dennis and 3 girls got out of Dean's car. Oh.
I got close to my mom and Dean.
"I knew you would come but I didn't know all these kids were coming and I had made some hot dogs for you and they ate it. But I am making samp, so I'll call you when it's ready, angithi you are staying til late?" My mom was saying.
Mom had started mixing Zulu with English when she spoke to Dean, and it is a testament to the time we spend with my family that he now understands her. This Afrikaans boy. My afrikaans boy that had brought random whores to my house. My mom made Dean our Zulu food, she never tried to be white for him. And Dean loved our African dishes.
"Yes, Ma. I am staying til late. I can't wait to eat your samp again. My mom tried the dish but she couldn't quiet get it right" Dean told her with a laugh.
"Patricia must come here one day and I will show her" My mom said. Our moms hadn't met yet. They probably will in a few months for the Matric Dance. Oh that's right. I will be attending two matric dances. Mine and Dean's. So I would have to get two dresses. Another stress, another day.
"Hi Dean, hi Mummy" I sidled up to Dean, giving my mom the eye.
She caught onto ny clue and waved goodbye to Dean. Dean smirked . I am not the most subtle human being.
"Dean, who are those girls you brought here?" I asked through stiff lips.
He sighed, exasperated, "They are friends from School. They came to my house and wanted to hang out"
"They came to your house,Dean?" I lowered my voice dangerously. I could feel my pulse thudding loudly in my ears.
I could see Dean getting annoyed, he found my jealousy pretty annoying. And that made me angry.
"it's not a big deal, thandi" he said trying to brush my face but I flinched away from him.
"Not a big deal?" I repeated, my arms crossed. He just stared at me like I was being irrational and it made me want to go crazy.
" Dean. You are testing me, wena. Truly. You are testing me. But if that's what we do, have girls come to your house, ok. Cool. Then that's what I'll do. I'll invite guys over" I said, raising my hands.
His eyes went from amused to glinting dangerously.
"Just try it and you'll see" he warned.
"You try me again and you'll see" I warned. Then I turned around and went back to my girls. Dean hung out with Dennis and the guys from my school. My friends could sense my animosity towards those girls and they didn't invite them over to sit with us. One girl in particular kept hanging on to Dean's arm. I kept trying to engage with my girls, but that hand on my man's arm was starting to bug me. Melissa saw what was bugging and she nodded with her chin. We both got up and walked to the guys. The guys were all joking and laughing and didn't notice Melissa and I approach them. Melissa was an indian through and through, she was already amping for a fight. Dean knew of my fighting ways, but I didn't want him to ever see that part of me.
"Dean" I called, my voice sounding sweet. The guys were so loud that they didn't hear me at first.
"Dean" I called louder as Melissa and I squeezed between Scott and my brother. I was opposite Dean and this girl.
Dean looked up at me, and everyone sensed that It was about to go down.
"yes, thandeka" he answered evenly.
"Do you want me to go crazy right now? And I don't mean crazy as in crazy, I mean crazy as in key your car and knock people's head together kind of crazy?" I asked cocking my head, Melissa cackled behind me. The guys looked back and forth from me to Dean as if watching a tennis match.
"Why would you key my car?" He asked confused. That's the only part he heard.
" Because if that girl does not remove her hand that has been permanently glued to your arm since you got here, I am gonna beat her. And since I cannot physically take you on, I am gonna key your car for allowing her to touch you" I replied calmly. Jade and them came to join us because they could see something was going on.
The girl who was holding my man sneered," beat me?I would like to see you try! You're as tall as my leg"
I looked back at melissa stunned and bewildered, "Did she just-?"
"Why are you talking to her, bro?" Melissa hollered at the girl.
" Don't fucking talk to my friend like that?" The friend of the girl said.
Then Melissa and the friend started throwing insults at one another.
"Dean, please tell her to stop touching you" I said over Melissa swearing at the other chick. I could hear my other friends joining in and throwing insults as well. Scott was telling cassandra to stay out of it, but I think cassandra couldn't hear him or was purposely ignoring him.
"Why don't you talk to me? Why are you talking to Dean?" The bitch said.
"Because where I come from I do not have time to argue with a another female. I don't have time for that, if I am gonna address you-it's gonna be for fighting and since you keep trying to address me, I am gonna answer the only way I know how-" I slid off my shoes and my brother jumped into action and grabbed me. All the guys got out the way and Dean pulled the other chick as she was throwing insults at me. I told my brother I was fine. When he loosened his grip, that's when I made a dash and lunged for the other girl. Everyone went "Woah", my fist was about to connect with her face when someone grabbed me. My mom had to come out and calm down the riot
Dean and dennis took the girls back, I became even more upset that Dean was leaving with them and sent him a text to never come back and that we were done. I, of course, didn't mean it, just another manipulative tactic on my part. Everyone was going on about how cool what had just happened was . But I was panicking and missing Dean.
Later when everyone was gone and I was lying awake at night, Dean replied to my text and said "Cool". Just like that. I felt so hollow like I had this huge Dean shaped hole in my chest. I gasped for air, and the screen became blurry as tears built up…
Yes Dear Diary, he left me. And Dean went away these holidays to spend it with his dad. I haven't even told my mom or anyone. Talking about it, would make it all real. Only Lissa knows. I still can't breathe without him.
Good Night
Lotsa Love