Pen tapping, foot tapping, nervous tics developing as anxiety is at it's highest, the question that majority of High School students hate, I heard my name and I walked in "Hello Dolores" I greeted her as I shut the door and she greeted me as well, I sat down,"So for starters, have you thought of what you plan on doing after High School?"
"I wanna be a dancer, but I didn't get the lessons on it and I'm sure schools like Julliard will be for kids with experience" Plus I don't think I have the drive to be what I want to be or the cash,"Robin Williams didn't have that much experience and he got in on a scholarship"
"That's because he deserves it, especially with that World According to Garp" I began tapping my pen and she was taking notes,"What do you really wanna be? I've seen how much you've improved these last few months. You're attending your classes, your grades have picked up and you're well on your way to graduate"
"I just want to be someone who does the same thing, but so much different at the same time with passion" I don't even know, dance was on my list, but acting I'm not sure, I mean it's for those who are pretty enough to be on film and I'm not sure I have that,"That's a good answer and tell you what, your SATs scores were average, but that doesn't fully define your intelligence and I can tell that you're an extremely bright girl" I scoffed lightly as I was playing with my sleeve,"What makes you think that?"
"Because I've just recently discovered how much classes you've skipped for 4 years and managed to pass. I suggest you put that kind of mindset into a project that is passionate and drives you for the better" My heart stopped and I smirked lightly,"You don't need to decide right now, college is not for everyone" But it's for those who have trust funds and Daddy to slide a paycheck to the Dean so they can alter their application and she continues,"There's no rush on what you need or want to become in your life, so you can always take a year or two off and just branch out, that's always the best idea, I had a student who didn't know who he wanted to be. He was stressed about everything, his grades, his financial stability and his family, he was afraid to leave his little sibling behind, but he thought maybe if he could build a bit of money for his sibling, it would give her a boost. He moved to California to become a Trainer to the Celebrities,every now and then, he calls here to see how she's doing"
"That's good to hear"
"It's Jim, your brother" I looked up in complete shock, knowing that he cared about me,"He told me about you and when I saw your name, I knew that you were the one that he was talking about during our sessions. I just thought it would be good to hear that your brother had troubles too"
After that discussion, I walked out with the conclusion that maybe I could just get a job, save up money and until then, I'll have to put my dream as a dancer on hold. Juliet got accepted to Columbia,"Hold on, you got accepted"
"Yeah...I did, it's crazy, right? I didn't think that I-I would even...."She was lost at words, she had the envelope in her hands,"My parents have also struggled to save up money for me, but it's only most of it, so if I can turn in cans, get a job now which I have a Job interview, I'll be able to afford it"
"And what do you wanna be?" Gretchen asked and she shrugged,"No idea yet, but sky's the limit here" It was nice to hear about Juliet's future, Gretchen applied to a school on the West Coast and she hasn't heard them back yet, not sure about Yvonne; Frankie is going to trade school whereas Reggie, still talks to us, he said that he's going to go to Community College and after that, he'll figure out from there, then there's me that has no fucking clue what to do with my life. Second semester started and I changed most of my classes so I can be with most of my friends and away from Danford and Greg, I haven't been dating anyone else, I'm done with High School boys and ready for men who know what they want and go for it.
For a while, I never really walked through the front door of my house, I've been climbing up to my bedroom and wait until my mother is either asleep or passed out drunk so I can come out and get something to eat. She wanted to talk to me one day, I believe in February, she and her boyfriend, I don't remember his name nor do I really care, they sat me down, had this long ass talk and this was what they said in the end,"So we have agreed that he'll move in with us" I can just see him smirking at me, I shook my head,"No, that's not happening, can you leave the room?"
"Sure" He left the room and I said to her quietly,"I barely know the guy and you didn't even date him that long so how do we know that he's not gonna put you in a rut?" She scoffed as she crossed her arms,"You mean us" I answered no,"No he's your boyfriend, I'm moving out as soon as I get that diploma. Does he even have a job?"
"Of course"
"What does he even do?" I crossed my arms as she was stuttering,"Is he a drug dealer? A pimp?"
"How can you even ask that?" I wrinkled my eyebrows and said to her,"You don't even know what he does, if he gets you in a situation, don't expect me to come back to help you" She chuckled mockingly,"Well if you put it that way, don't expect me to come to your Graduation" Good, last thing I need is someone like her to come fuck up a milestone,"If you let him move in, that's your problem, don't come to me for help. He's your boyfriend, your problem and your consequences" I walked out and snapped my eyes at him, I walked up the stairs and shut my door, I didn't slam it for her benefit, she's probably thinking that my reaction is perfectly normal for a parent to have a boyfriend or girlfriend move in and the child to overreact, but knowing how she is, this is a new low.
The phone rang in my bedroom, I answered it as I laid down on my bed, ran my fingers through my hair,"Hello?"
"Hey, picking you up at 6:20am, that good?" It was Gretchen,"Yeah that's good, thanks for letting me know" Gretchen knows when to not ask questions my mother always picks up the phone and listens to our conversations, so she just calls to let me know when she picks me up. We've learned the hard way, it's kinda how Mom found out that I'm not a virgin; I turned on the TV and all I found was a movie that I didn't even know, but I just need background noise. I just got to the point that the drugs I've been taking were not even good enough and the drinks weren't strong enough, so I just started writing to let my feelings and then toss out since I don't want anyone to hear or read about it. I think I'm at that point in my life that I'm just stuck, career wise and emotionally, it's just being here and at school, I'm being held against my will and the drugs and alcohol were the only way that I can have a moment of freedom, but it was only temporary and that's what I hate about it the most. I want to be with someone who I can playfully argue, who can assure me that everything will be okay, even if they're not saying it, just their presence, their voice is enough and I don't even know who that person is for me yet, I'm still 17 and still have a whole lot of shit to figure out.
Next morning, I woke up dreading to go to school, so i walked to the corner where Gretchen and the girls pick me up, I got in the car, we were pulling up to school and Gretchen slowed down and turned around,"Gretch, what are you doing?"
"I say we go to New York and make a day of it, school can wait a day, we're going to graduate soon, so might as well live it up"
"We've been living it up, so us skipping isn't any different" Yvonne says to her and she replied with a scoff as she took a turn to merge into the lane that's headed towards New York,"Except we're going to all the big spots and also due to the fact that she hasn't partied with us for what a couple months? What's wrong?" Gretchen gestured to me and I answered,"I'm all partied out Gretch, just need to recharge" Not really, I just didn't know how to tell them. Afer that day with them, it was a day that most of us can never forget and I didn't know that was what I needed until I got it.